I am very angry today

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Today it is 24 years ago that my mother died and for some reason I’ve never been this sad and angry with anyone, that this day passes by as if it’s just another day.

I HATE it how I sent my father a heart this morning on whatsapp, and that he returns: sweet.

Sweet.

SWEET?

Sweet of me to think of you?

HOW ABOUT YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT IS NOT SOLELY FOCUSED ON HOW YOU PERCEIVE IT.

HOW ABOUT YOU SAY ‘I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY’ OR SHOW SOME INTEREST IN HOW I AM FEELING.

I feel like I want to hit him with a baseball bat, OVER AND OVER AND OVER until he finally understands what an IDIOT he is.

The hardest thing is he simply doesn’t see his shortcomings re his emotional maturity.

So I can’t share whatever I am learning right now with anyone, because he simply doesn’t see what I’m learning (or feels it’s unnecessary or ‘city-ish’ to want to learn these things) and other people simply don’t understand that what they’ve known since childhood is not a given to me. And that it is extremely hard and extremely lonely to have to go through this by myself.

I’m really sorry but I have nowhere to go to because nobody seems to understand this and I really had to share this with some people that may not have experienced the same, but can relate.

[ziniztar]

Today it is 24 years ago that my mother died and for some reason I’ve never been this sad and angry with anyone, that this day passes by as if it’s just another day.

I HATE it how I sent my father a heart this morning on whatsapp, and that he returns: sweet.

Sweet.

SWEET?

Sweet of me to think of you?

HOW ABOUT YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT IS NOT SOLELY FOCUSED ON HOW YOU PERCEIVE IT.

HOW ABOUT YOU SAY ‘I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY’ OR SHOW SOME INTEREST IN HOW I AM FEELING.

I feel like I want to hit him with a baseball bat, OVER AND OVER AND OVER until he finally understands what an IDIOT he is.

The hardest thing is he simply doesn’t see his shortcomings re his emotional maturity.

So I can’t share whatever I am learning right now with anyone, because he simply doesn’t see what I’m learning (or feels it’s unnecessary or ‘city-ish’ to want to learn these things) and other people simply don’t understand that what they’ve known since childhood is not a given to me. And that it is extremely hard and extremely lonely to have to go through this by myself.

I’m really sorry but I have nowhere to go to because nobody seems to understand this and I really had to share this with some people that may not have experienced the same, but can relate.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi ziniztar,

Beneath anger one usually finds feelings of hurt.  Perhaps you could explore the wound that is causing you to feel so angry?  It might help if you were to take good care of your anger and sit with it for a while to see what is beneath it.  You might be surprised at what you find.

LuckyJim

[ziniztar]

Hi ziniztar,

Beneath anger one usually finds feelings of hurt.  Perhaps you could explore the wound that is causing you to feel so angry?  It might help if you were to take good care of your anger and sit with it for a while to see what is beneath it.  You might be surprised at what you find.

LuckyJim

Thanks, you have a valid point. I know this and it's the first time I am allowing some anger to enter my body. Half a year ago I was at a therapist for dealing with dBPDxbf, and he said: 'I wish you could feel a little bit more anger', as I was only allowing fear & sadness. It's been quite the experience to feel that anger that has been there for such a long time. I guess I've skipped that part in the grieving process, hell, maybe I haven't grieved at all. After all, the family had to go one after my mom died.

I find it difficult to deal with these emotions when they pop up while I'm at work. No way to let them out, no one who understands or knows anything about me (I'm hired externally, never part of the company I work for) and the grieving process I'm going through ignites quite some strong emotions. I guess I have to find a way to deal with that.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, ziniztar, I suggest that you honor your anger.  Acknowledge it.  Process it.  You could write about it or call a friend to talk about it.  Don't ignore it.  Unacknowledged anger can result in physical symptoms, such as back pain or headaches.  Be aware of your anger.  Observe it.  It is part of your authentic self.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Rifka]

Today it is 24 years ago that my mother died and for some reason I’ve never been this sad and angry with anyone, that this day passes by as if it’s just another day.

I HATE it how I sent my father a heart this morning on whatsapp, and that he returns: sweet.

Sweet.

SWEET?

Sweet of me to think of you?

HOW ABOUT YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT IS NOT SOLELY FOCUSED ON HOW YOU PERCEIVE IT.

HOW ABOUT YOU SAY ‘I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY’ OR SHOW SOME INTEREST IN HOW I AM FEELING.

I feel like I want to hit him with a baseball bat, OVER AND OVER AND OVER until he finally understands what an IDIOT he is.

The hardest thing is he simply doesn’t see his shortcomings re his emotional maturity.

So I can’t share whatever I am learning right now with anyone, because he simply doesn’t see what I’m learning (or feels it’s unnecessary or ‘city-ish’ to want to learn these things) and other people simply don’t understand that what they’ve known since childhood is not a given to me. And that it is extremely hard and extremely lonely to have to go through this by myself.

I’m really sorry but I have nowhere to go to because nobody seems to understand this and I really had to share this with some people that may not have experienced the same, but can relate.

Zinizar,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom, it sounds like she was your go to person. Maybe you could celebrate her life today doing something she loved or something you both loved to do together. Make it a special day from honor her life.

Dec 21 will be 16 years my grandmother is gone. I still cry thinking of how the most vital person that I could turn to with anything or any problem who just loved me no matter what left this world way to soon. It's very painful!

I'm sending you hugs today.

As far as your father, I'm sorry that he is not reacting the way you would like. It's very frustrating to feel our parents can not behave the way we feel is just common kindness and compassion. Both of my parents are that way and I have no contact with them at all. It's too hurtful and they live in very different mindset than mine. There is no middle line!

We can not change people, we can only change ourselves and our boundries

You have a very big BPD family here full of kind, empathetic, caring people who feel our pains, fears, hurts, healings, and triumps together. We care and are always here for you.

Thank you for sharing with us! I will light a candle in honor of your moms life today for you. We light candles on anniversaries  of loved ones passings to remember them every year. It's a Jewish tradition.

Rifka

[funfunctional]

Zin,

Agree with the person that said "beneath anger - why so much hurt".   Why did you choose to send a HEART as opposed to an "I love you" statement?  Have you ever nailed your dad with an "i love you" and made him say it back".  Make him squirm!   Some people just simply struggle with that.

  I so sympathize with your anger as neither of my parents could say "I love you".    I was shocked that my aunt with dimmential said "i love you" to me 6 months ago.    I gave her a big "I love you" back and a hug.

I think that's what you want from your dad.   Have you told him that.

I am really sorry for how you feel and I do get it.   I get the whole emotional immaturity thing.  I swear some of us "kids" end up being the teachers to our parents.   Some old dogs may never get it.

Sweet is a wierd response.   Reminds me of that "cool guy way" of saying they like somethign but it sounds cold like you would say it to one of your bro's or anyone".