My ex is watching me... is this love or BPD?

[sixthsense]

After a year I finally had the strength to walk away from my ex uBPD girlfriend five months ago. It was hard because our connection was, and still is very strong. I just couldn't handle the unprovoked silent treatments and mood swings any longer. And she wasn't very good at communicating her needs and I guess I wasn't very good at mind reading... .So we weren't very communicative.

We work for the same company, but different departments so our paths rarely cross. However, the connection is still intense.

Five months after our break up, when I'm at work I can tell she is monitoring me on our company's Instant Message program and when I'm working late into the night from home, she logs in, sees that I'm working and quickly logs out.

Unsure where this is leading, but I'm wondering if monitoring my cyber presence is her way of staying connected to me. She used to mirror me quite a bit when we were together.

She's a loner at work and doesn't really interact with coworkers. On the outside she seemed unfazed by me walking away, that's why I'm surprised that she's watching me. I often wondered if she really loved me... .

Neither of us are seeing other people. Work keeps me busy and I'm really not interested in dating anyone else right now.

Is my ex's monitoring me be her way of letting me know she cares? Is she trying to communicate with me? Trying to hold on to the connection without having to be connected per se'? Is this love or BPD?

Part of me wants to reach out... .but part of me wants to just let my sleeping BPD girl lie... .

Sixthsense

[Suzn]

Welcome sixthsense

Sorry you're in this situation, working at the same place. That has to be difficult. I don't know if she's monitoring you since you both work there, it's kinda hard to say.

My exBPDgf used to drive by my house after the breakup. A lot. I confronted her once about it and she told me "everyone knows that's for me" (her). To get past all this. She said her T agreed. Well, I didn't agree with that, I just wanted her to go away. Funny thing happened though, once I stopped looking for her to drive by she stopped. Or if she did I didn't notice. I just got to the point of thinking if she wants to drive into my neighborhood it's her gas money. *shrug

What are you doing for you lately as far as socially (friendswise) sixthsense? I ask because you are contemplating reaching out to her. Do you want contact?

[sixthsense]

Hi Suzn, thanks for your valuable insight. It's very tough working for the same company... .indeed. Fortunately, I can't say that I've noticed her lurking about my neighborhood late at night... .Actually, I'm not bothered by the monitoring... .just was curious if it was indicative of feelings or just BPD... .

As for wanting contact, I'm just not sure. Our communication sucked although everything else was pretty good in the relationship. There are so many nuances happening at work that keep us connected indirectly... .that we are bound to have some kind of contact at some point.

In the last five months, I've learned so much about BPD that I think I could be a better partner since I have a better understanding and more empathy. On the other hand, she'd have to be willing to meet me half way and I'm just not sure she'd be willing or capable. I think she may be perfectly happy sustaining a connection from afar.

And that may be best. I hang out socially with friends quite a but and am continuing to work self... .

sixthsense

[Hadlee]

Hi sixthsense

I understand completely as I am in a similar situation.  My BPD friend works for the same company.  I have been pulling away from her bit by bit for the last year, which has proven to be difficult at times.

In terms of instant messenger in the office - from my experience, my friend has monitored me and my whereabouts.  I know this for sure as she showed me one day that she has me 'tagged for updates' - meaning she gets notification when I log on, log out, become available, etc.  I have combated this by always remaining in a 'busy' state.  That prevents her receiving any pop up notifications about me  

I put all this down to control for her, and her need to stay attached/connected to me.  Perhaps the same applies to your ex?

[sixthsense]

Thanks Hadlee! Yes... .very similar situations. So nice to meet someone in a similar situation. I will look into changing my IM settings when I go into the office tomorrow.

I just wasn't sure if it was more of a need to stay connected to me because she still cares and is trying to communicate in her own BPD way or just a BPD trait, hence, my dilemma.

Would you mind sharing more about your friend/situation and expanding on the BPD's need to stay connected/attached? Please feel free to inbox me for privacy if necessary. Thanks again!

Sixthsense

[paperlung]

I don't know what it is, but my ex has been stalking me (reading my posts) on this other forum that a visit for over a year without me even realizing it!

You can read what happened here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

[JRT]

I have a situation with some similarities to yours;

-I had a 2 year long relationship with an uBPD who disappeared and blocked all communication. Like you, we had a pretty good relationship, perhaps even excellent with the exeption, also, of some communication issues and her sons behavior problems.

-Although she blocked me on FB, I suspected that she created a separate identity and was stalking me (I kept my posts public since I joined FB so anyone can see anything they want). I created a ruse that I was going to clean out my basement and throw away some of her property... .a day later, I received an IM from one of her GF's. It was a childish exchange but it confirmed what I had suspected (and raised new questions).

With what happened, I feel like I am playing detective trying to figure out what the hell happened. Three and a half months later and I think that I have the bulk understood but there are little pieces like this one that make no sense or contradict. Why is yours and mine cyber stalking us?

[Infared]

I have a situation with some similarities to yours;

-I had a 2 year long relationship with an uBPD who disappeared and blocked all communication. Like you, we had a pretty good relationship, perhaps even excellent with the exeption, also, of some communication issues and her sons behavior problems.

-Although she blocked me on FB, I suspected that she created a separate identity and was stalking me (I kept my posts public since I joined FB so anyone can see anything they want). I created a ruse that I was going to clean out my basement and throw away some of her property... .a day later, I received an IM from one of her GF's. It was a childish exchange but it confirmed what I had suspected (and raised new questions).

With what happened, I feel like I am playing detective trying to figure out what the hell happened. Three and a half months later and I think that I have the bulk understood but there are little pieces like this one that make no sense or contradict. Why is yours and mine cyber stalking us?

Simple. They are unhealthy people.