Does your BPDX fight with everyone?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi,

In the years we were married, my BPDXW's confrontational "personality" (she has several different ones) was a constant source of embarrassment to me and in hindsight a big red flag: whenever she was denied something (it could be trivial, like her car wasn't ready on time or a meal was a little late in a restaurant) or worse, explicitly of implicitly criticized, she would assume a terribly haughty demeanor and engage in confrontational behavior, always unreasonable and unjustified.

It became much worse when I filed for divorce. She clashed with three attorneys, all of whom eventually refused to represent her; our son's psychologist when he dared to call her out on her behaviors that were causing out son distress; our marital counselor when she dared criticize her for cheating on me; two psychiatrists, one of whom terminated treatment and the other refused to treat, characterizing her as "toxic"; two pediatric psychiatrists when they refused to agree with her assessment of our children and administer more meds; school teachers and administrators; co-workers and SIX employers in less than thirty-six months, who fired her because of her inability to adhere to rules and simply get along with people.

And of course she saves her worst vitriol for me, since literally everything is my fault.

It's also worth noting that these behaviors have worsened once she met my replacement, who is the same. It seems she is mirroring him--and perhaps attracted to him because they share this same core trait.

This personality is at dramatic odds with her other personality, which is incredibly sweet and kind--the personality I married.

Can anyone relate to this?

[milo1967]

Hi,

In the years we were married, my BPDXW's confrontational "personality" (she has several different ones) was a constant source of embarrassment to me and in hindsight a big red flag: whenever she was denied something (it could be trivial, like her car wasn't ready on time or a meal was a little late in a restaurant) or worse, explicitly of implicitly criticized, she would assume a terribly haughty demeanor and engage in confrontational behavior, always unreasonable and unjustified.

It became much worse when I filed for divorce. She clashed with three attorneys, all of whom eventually refused to represent her; our son's psychologist when he dared to call her out on her behaviors that were causing out son distress; our marital counselor when she dared criticize her for cheating on me; two psychiatrists, one of whom terminated treatment and the other refused to treat, characterizing her as "toxic"; two pediatric psychiatrists when they refused to agree with her assessment of our children and administer more meds; school teachers and administrators; co-workers and SIX employers in less than thirty-six months, who fired her because of her inability to adhere to rules and simply get along with people.

And of course she saves her worst vitriol for me, since literally everything is my fault.

It's also worth noting that these behaviors have worsened once she met my replacement, who is the same. It seems she is mirroring him--and perhaps attracted to him because they share this same core trait.

This personality is at dramatic odds with her other personality, which is incredibly sweet and kind--the personality I married.

Can anyone relate to this?

[Tim300]

Yes, absolutely.  I really want to read more about Dissociative Identity Disorder.

My ex was in fights like this with a lot of people.  Her mother was even worse though; the fighting with others was almost constant.

[Tibbles]

Completely yes. He'd assume everyone was an idiot and out to cause him harm and therefore had to be confronted. If he didn't actually confront he'd rant and rave about how bad they were for hours with me. He'd fight with everyone from work. We didn't keep friends as couple cause after about 6 months he'd paint them black and wipe them. His Mum has the same confrontational style of interaction too, as do all his sisters. Red flags I didn't see at the time!

[willtimeheal]

My exBPDgf didn't fight with everyone. She would be nice to their face and then rip them apart behind their back. She thought everyone was stupid and an idiot. No one was as smart or as good as her.

[milo1967]

It does occur to me now as some form of DID. I used to lightheartedly but nervously refer to "it" as her "nasty mask." Now that it's turned itself fully on me, frankly it scares me.

[Tim300]

It does occur to me now as some form of DID. I used to lightheartedly but nervously refer to "it" as her "nasty mask." Now that it's turned itself fully on me, frankly it scares me.

Yup.  Matter of time before it turns to you.  I am scared. 

[Tim300]

I actually think the way I zeroed in on BPD was by Googling for answers about why someone would keep fighting nonstop.

Seems like unless you are very good looking (and preferably female and relatively young), you are going to have a very difficult time getting through life in constant combat with everyone around you.

[misty_red]

My exBPDgf didn't fight with everyone. She would be nice to their face and then rip them apart behind their back. She thought everyone was stupid and an idiot. No one was as smart or as good as her.

Exactly like mine. Very passive-aggressively. Everyone except her lacked common sense. Everyone else belonged to a herd of sheep and was on the low end of the food chain. She devalued EVERY single one around her at some point.

I often had the feeling she wanted me to turn into an accomplice. She always tried to set me against them. Sometimes I did and I only noticed some time later. A huge dealbreaker you know, turning into someone you are not and would never be able to represent morally. Yet I did and all because of love. Oh my. I can't forgive myself for things I did. Not for hurting her (I never did on purpose) but for crossing my own boundaries, for not living my virtues anymore.

[ShadowIntheNight]

My exBPDgf didn't fight with everyone. She would be nice to their face and then rip them apart behind their back. She thought everyone was stupid and an idiot. No one was as smart or as good as her.

Exactly like mine. Very passive-aggressively. Everyone except her lacked common sense. Everyone else belonged to a herd of sheep and was on the low end of the food chain. She devalued EVERY single one around her at some point.

I often had the feeling she wanted me to turn into an accomplice. She always tried to set me against them. Sometimes I did and I only noticed some time later. A huge dealbreaker you know, turning into someone you are not and would never be able to represent morally. Yet I did and all because of love. Oh my. I can't forgive myself for things I did. Not for hurting her (I never did on purpose) but for crossing my own boundaries, for not living my virtues anymore.

We blamed it on her being Hispanic, since that's the reason she gave as to why she'd go ballistic. And if she didn't confront someone then I got to hear it about it days and weeks later. Sometimes even months in the context of "do you remember what so-and-so did?" How could I forget. She never let me and brought it up whenever it suited her purposes. I remember thinking I'm glad she never blows up at me. In the end she didn't. She just slipped away.

[misty_red]

My exBPDgf didn't fight with everyone. She would be nice to their face and then rip them apart behind their back. She thought everyone was stupid and an idiot. No one was as smart or as good as her.

Exactly like mine. Very passive-aggressively. Everyone except her lacked common sense. Everyone else belonged to a herd of sheep and was on the low end of the food chain. She devalued EVERY single one around her at some point.

I often had the feeling she wanted me to turn into an accomplice. She always tried to set me against them. Sometimes I did and I only noticed some time later. A huge dealbreaker you know, turning into someone you are not and would never be able to represent morally. Yet I did and all because of love. Oh my. I can't forgive myself for things I did. Not for hurting her (I never did on purpose) but for crossing my own boundaries, for not living my virtues anymore.

We blamed it on her being Hispanic, since that's the reason she gave as to why she'd go ballistic. And if she didn't confront someone then I got to hear it about it days and weeks later. Sometimes even months in the context of "do you remember what so-and-so did?" How could I forget. She never let me and brought it up whenever it suited her purposes. I remember thinking I'm glad she never blows up at me. In the end she didn't. She just slipped away.

Mine isn't Hispanic, so no. It's definitely not about that. :D

My xBPDgf blew up at me. But she did it in a very intelligent way. She could twist and use words to not make it obviously seem like devaluation and abuse for others (she never openly raged or something like that). She spoke on a very "mature" and "fair" level but actually just put the right word into order. I always knew what she was doing. I just knew her and I understood they way she communicated. In the end it was more like putting all the blame on me. She was a genius in rhetorics and turn everything against you just by confusing you with something.

[downwhim]

Yes, everyone was idiotic according to my ex BPD fiancé. Here are a few examples:

1. Drivers - all as... .holes. No one drove correctly. He would give them dirty looks as he passed them by. He would tailgate. One time he followed a truck driver too closely and got a rock chip in his windshield. He followed the guy, got out of the car only too met the man with a club in his hand. My ex told the truck driver he had a gun in is car. Ex then called the cops. Cops thought ex was a whack job... .

2. He has infuriated every car repair shop person in his small city. They all do not fix his car properly. He screams and rages at them, takes it to the next place where they do not fix correctly either. I think they call one another and tell each other to look out for this raging Marine. They probably screw the car up because he is never nice to them.

3.  He screamed at the man pumping gas in his car (legal in our state) because he continually stops the pump and it ALWAYS puts in 1 cent too much. Ex actually called the state and reported this station for pumping a penny too much.

4.  He hates his accountant, all attorneys, all teachers, and disability employees. None of them know a thing!

5.  The government is screwing him over too.

6.  Now he has added me to the list.

[seenoevil]

He screamed at the man pumping gas in his car (legal in our state) because he continually stops the pump and it ALWAYS puts in 1 cent too much. Ex actually called the state and reported this station for pumping a penny too much.

I'm sorry for laughing because I know how hard it is to live with a person like this, but this is too funny :-)

My wife fights with everybody eventually.  When we got married she no longer had any close friends and only spent time with me and her own family.  In the last 5 years, she started going to church and has made a lot of 'temporary' friends.  She is very attractive and outgoing and makes friends really easy.  She meets someone and spends about a couple of months talking and/or hanging out with that person and then for one reason or another she starts complaining and starts the hunt for a new friend.  She avoids talking to the old friend again, even if they try to reach her.  She only goes back to an old friend when she 'breaks up' with the latest one and doesn't have anyone else.

She doesn't get along with her own mother or siblings.  She has unreallistic expectations from everybody so she complains about them non stop, but if she doesn't a find a new friend soon, she will call her family and act like she loves them.

When driving she honks the horn constantly, even when the other cars are clearly not going to get in her way, she will honk as a warning message.  One time she was driving in the snow and came to a stop sign.  An old lady started crossing the street and my wife didn't dare honk the horn, but she started yelling how insensitive that old lady was for jumping in front of her and crossing the street so slowly.  The old lady was WALKING, in the SNOW, it was freezing outside,  but somehow my wife is pissed because the old lady is delaying her arrival at home.

She never lasts more than 6 months in one job.  Most jobs only last 3 days and she quits.  If she doesn't quit, they let her go around the 3rd month, usually because 'lack of work'.  but, I know the reason because she tells me about the arguements at work and there is always someone that envies her.   

She even changes churches 2 or 3 times a year.  She is only tolerable during the honeymoon period then starts showing her true colors.  I can only hope everything goes well in my divorce and I don't have to be in the middle of her BS anymore.

 

[neverloveagain]

My exBPDgf didn't fight with everyone. She would be nice to their face and then rip them apart behind their back. She thought everyone was stupid and an idiot. No one was as smart or as good as her.

oh yes so true say hello to the waif.

[willtimeheal]

Honestly if you took the BPD out of my exgf... .the bottom line is I don't think she is a nice person.  If you look at her father she was a mean mean man. Her brother  like her father.  And she is like both of them. She sleeps down isn't a nice person. Bpd or not.

[Whitebread]

Yes, yes yes, a resounding YES!

He simply cannot get along with anyone... his former friends are painted black for mostly imagined slights, and he treats the one guy friend that still comes around like he should be a mind reader and know precisely when he would be receptive to a visit, or not.

He can go days without returning a call but flips out if he doesn't immediately call back.

There is no public interaction that goes smoothly even if its a quick stop for gas or going for coffee.  If he doesn't actually say anything, which is very rare, his glares, his body language gives away his distain for every other customer or employee. 

Zero social graces zero compassion for the stressed out clerk who is trying to go as fast as they can... .and I would be yelled at for being nice or 'making excuses' for them.

And, horrible road rage.   There were days I didn't think I would make it home alive.  It was his duty to teach poor drivers a 'lesson'.  He has gotten into altercations with people on the side of the road.  Out of the car. 

He's very upset that these days everyone has a cell phone... .his days of reprimanding other drivers with impunity are numbered.

Toward the end I refused to go with him unless I drove... which then left me open for the nonstop critique of my driving.

Unable to hold a job, tells the owners of companies how to run things and is generally to difficult to deal with so other people steer clear.  He recently started working after 6 yrs just before I left, I'm sure the stress of all that has made him a real prince to be around!

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, Conflict is my BPDxW's middle name!  Sooner or later, it happens w/everyone in her circle.  She had arguments and confrontations with neighbors, bosses, landlords, contractors, friends, family, the whole gamut, and I was foolish enough to come to her defense in these petty dramas.  As her husband, I thought it was my job to be the White Knight, which didn't serve her or me well.  Now I'm out of the Knighthood gig (we're divorced) and she has to face the consequences of the hostile and belligerent side to her personality on her own.  LuckyJim

[Trog]

Absolutely EVERYONE!

Even if it would mean massive consequences for her.

Police, Doctors, Judges, family members, my family members and of course... .me!

What was strange is how much she would then agree with her "friends", or people she saw once a month at best. And to agree with them she would move from her usually immovable moral positions.

Seems to have a problem with authority or anyone cast as a punitive parent.   BPD or NPD?

[milo1967]

Wow, so it isn't just my X. Yes, confrontations with everybody. I would tense up or disappear when people came to clean the house (and she became angry with me when I wanted to tip them). Every new person who came along was her instant best friend, the most fascinating person she'd ever met. I remember thinking every time, "She just met them!" Only for it to be short-lived, as the person revealed him or herself to be human. Essentially every relationship was a "mini BPD cycle": idealize, devalue, discard. From the greatest new job to her KISA husband (me) to, I assume, her replacement.

Bizarre and tragic.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Wow, so it isn't just my X. Yes, confrontations with everybody. I would tense up or disappear when people came to clean the house (and she became angry with me when I wanted to tip them). Every new person who came along was her instant best friend, the most fascinating person she'd ever met. I remember thinking every time, "She just met them!" Only for it to be short-lived, as the person revealed him or herself to be human. Essentially every relationship was a "mini BPD cycle": idealize, devalue, discard. From the greatest new job to her KISA husband (me) to, I assume, her replacement.

Bizarre and tragic.

You explained my ex perfectly. If I heard one more time about how fascinating this new person is 'I met yesterday' my head would probably have exploded. I never believe the first things that come out of person's mouth about who they are. I didn't believe her. It took me many months to be sure she wasn't a user. I really screwed that up for sure. But here she is assuming someone she just met is the end all be all. I did get to the place whenever she told me of her new bestie where I thought "your brand new shiny friend will be no more in 3 to 6 months." I was right. Too bad I missed it for myself after 9.5 yrs.

[Popcorn71]

Wow, so it isn't just my X. Yes, confrontations with everybody. I would tense up or disappear when people came to clean the house (and she became angry with me when I wanted to tip them). Every new person who came along was her instant best friend, the most fascinating person she'd ever met. I remember thinking every time, "She just met them!" Only for it to be short-lived, as the person revealed him or herself to be human. Essentially every relationship was a "mini BPD cycle": idealize, devalue, discard. From the greatest new job to her KISA husband (me) to, I assume, her replacement.

Bizarre and tragic.

You explained my ex perfectly. If I heard one more time about how fascinating this new person is 'I met yesterday' my head would probably have exploded. I never believe the first things that come out of person's mouth about who they are. I didn't believe her. It took me many months to be sure she wasn't a user. I really screwed that up for sure. But here she is assuming someone she just met is the end all be all. I did get to the place whenever she told me of her new bestie where I thought "your brand new shiny friend will be no more in 3 to 6 months." I was right. Too bad I missed it for myself after 9.5 yrs.

Exactly the same for my xBPDh.  Always flying off the handle at somebody (usually somebody smaller or less able to fight back).  He was very rude about people in public and it got to the point where I was embarrassed to go out with him because he would talk loudly about other people and I was worried they would hear him and a fight would start.

He also often had new best friends.  Strangely though, no friends seem to stay around for more than a couple of years.