How likely is it that the daughter of my uBPDexgf is also BPD?

[Maternus]

My uBPDexgf has two kids. I still love them both and miss them very much. I've spend much time with them in our relationship. The daughter of my ex is 13 years old and diagnosed with ADD. I read somewhere, that many adults with BPD are diagnosed with ADD in their childhood. She fell in love with a boy last Easter, who was much older and showed no interest in her. She met another boy in her summer vacations and suddenly the other boy was an idiot, she didn't even like, when someone mentioned his name. She is a very intelligent and beautiful child, but has no friends, a very low self esteem and feels very unsafe with other children of her age. She feels safe when she is with younger kids or adults. My ex always said, that her daughter is more mature than her classmates, because she likes the accompaniment of adults. But maybe it's vice versa: She feels safe in the presence of adults, because she feels like a little child and adults don't hurt a little child, but older children sometimes do.  

My ex is a kind of BPD-queen with a bunch of NPD traits and I think she is raising her daughter to be a copy of her. Her daughter has to read the same books, like the same movies, has to be into really the same things as her mother and her daughter often said "I want to be as charming and beautiful as my mother, when I'm grown up."  :)id I witness the breeding of another pwBPD?  

[enlighten me]

If the daughter was three years younger I would say you were writing about my ex and her daughter. Ive been wondering the same thing. My exs daughter is intelligent, manipulative, tells lies all the time, selfish and can be very spiteful. Her mum has groomed her into a mini version of herself. Same books, movies and music.

I believe in the genetic link so it wouldnt suprise me if she was BPD.

[SlyQQ]

My SD turned out BPD there was not so much lies an she was consiencious at school seemingly popular enough ( but there were issues there perhaps ) got mixed up with some one twice her age at a very young age she did seem angry all the time was what i could say from 5 till 12 Physilogically turned out much like her mum but that was only apparent late teens

[Mutt]

Hi Maternus,



I'm sorry to hear about your ex's daughters. It's hard to let go of that bond with a child and you know what your ex is like and it has you worried  

My SD15 is estranged and her mom is more Queen / Witch. She cuts and I'm not sure if that's entirely a BPD trait although it's scary and confusing. It's not SI and more so to release emotional pain. She hasn't given me the impression she has other behaviors from mom's behaviors. She doesn't seem to swing from one extreme to another emotionally or her pov of people. She's not had much for support in a young woman's life.

I hope you don't mind. I moved your post to co-parenting and perhaps you will get a different response than on leaving with parents that deal with exes and children and they may have more insight? Some on leaving may have kids and you can browse around the site post where you think it fits.

I understand being a dad that has a special child in his heart you want to know how the kid is going to make out.  I hope that helps.


--Mutt

[Turkish]

Unfortunately, perhaps. An old family friend of mine whom I've known for 30 years is a diagnosed BPD. Rather than seek treatment, she embraces it. Her daughter, once a sweet and loving child, turned in early adolescence, to being almost a carbon copy of her mom. I've known her mom since she was 9, and her emotional dysregulation was evident then. Not so for her daughter. She "switched" when she turned 13, about the time her mom abandoned her to live with grandma (who has some BPD traits, but is probably sub-clinical). After a huge blow out, she came and got her daughter. Grandma is painted black.  I only hope that her daughter's inborn relilience returns, and that she survives adolescence.

Do you have contact with her daughter?

[Maternus]

I hope you don't mind. I moved your post to co-parenting and perhaps you will get a different response than on leaving with parents that deal with exes and children and they may have more insight? Some on leaving may have kids and you can browse around the site post where you think it fits.

Hi Mutt,

no, I don't mind. It's quite difficult for me at this time to define my role in the life of my uBPDex's children. I was a compensation for the unpredictable behaviour of their mother. Many of our arguments were about the children. I was often upset with the way she treated them. The rules were always changing, but no rule was explained, everything was enforced by her authority over the kids and her ability to intimidate them. She often became rude against her children for something, that was her fault. When it was her turn to prepare the dinner she often was late because she had long phone call with her mother. When the dinner was ready she raged at her children to hurry up and not to talk, as if it was their fault. When had to catch a bus or a train, she was always the last to leave the house, while the kids and me was waiting for her to finish her make up or something else, just to blame us to hurry up when she was ready to go.

Do you have contact with her daughter?

No. I won't reject her or her brother when they contacted me, but I'm not sure, if I really want it. It would give my Ex power over me.   

[BorisAcusio]

Unfortunately, in some form, it will be passed down the line. As much as 80% of the offsprings of borderline mothers are disorganized in their attachment with their primary caregiver.

ExBPDgf's PD mother was recently hospitalized as she became more physicially abusive with age, regularly beating up her husband.  On contrary, my ex's 10 year old daughter is the sweetest thing on earth, she lost custody of her two years ago, only seeing each other on weekends. Children at this age tend to feel extreme loss when a divorce occurs, but it was not the case, her daugter showed no emotional instability after or during she moved out, no change in peer interaction, school activities,  that fact even made my ex more dysregulated, often lashing out on the poor little girl. Actually, my ex was the one who feeled abandoned by her daugter, if that makes sense.

[Maternus]

There's another thing that crosses my mind. While I was in the relationship with my uBPDex her ex-husband (the father of her children) was a devil for me. I met him once or twice but we didn't talk much. She painted him black and I believed her. She told me that he physically abused her in front of the children, but requested me not to talk about it in front of the children cause it could trigger them. Now I think it was all manipulation. She manipulated me and she manipulated her ex-husband. Maybe he really got physical - but their marriage lasted more than 7 years - twice as long as our relationship - and she had more time to emotionally abuse him and drive him crazy. He is in a new relationship and his new gf is pregnant. I met her once when she was bringing the children back form the weekend with her father. My ex described her as a fat, insecure and anxious woman. She was not a model, but she was far from being obese, and was not at all insecure or anxious. We didn't talk much, but she seemed to be a nice and balanced woman. My ex always wondered how she could be with him and endure his abuse. Now I know, that the abuser was not him. My ex once told me that she enjoined driving him crazy until he got physical. It was a proof of his weakness to her. She sees her emotional abuse as a strength. This was such a red flag, but I was totally in the FOG, could not see it. 

My actual question is: Do you think it's a good idea to contact the father of my UBPDex's children and ask him, if he is aware of her personality disorder?  I think he should know and it's up to him, to find out, what is the best for his children.   

[BorisAcusio]

My actual question is: Do you think it's a good idea to contact the father of my UBPDex's children and ask him, if he is aware of her personality disorder?  I think he should know and it's up to him, to find out, what is the best for his children.  

You've got good intentions but what's happening in their life is none of your business.

[cehlers55]

My BPD ex wife's mother is more of the avoidant personality disorder. doesn't leave the house unless working. NO friends who aren't "rescuers", VERY low self esteem, very low ambition to improve her life, and always looking for a husband to fix (Married and Divorced 5-6 times). I was told the men she was with were abusive (according to my ex) but she always protected her daughter (my ex) which i don't believe.

Whereas my ex wife with BPD is big on splitting, black and white thinking, idealization/devaluation, very good looking, charming, isolated me, bottomless pit of need/love, constantly had to prove my love. And i think all of it comes from her crazy mother and the unstable/abusive relationships her mother constantly sought out.  All very sad. She is a beautiful, smart, witty woman and i love her to pieces. She's just nuts.

[Maternus]

My actual question is: Do you think it's a good idea to contact the father of my UBPDex's children and ask him, if he is aware of her personality disorder?  I think he should know and it's up to him, to find out, what is the best for his children.   

You've got good intentions but what's happening in their life is none of your business.

I'm not sure, if I can agree with you. I'd like to agree, if it were only adults, we talk about. But we talk about children - and to me, they are not children of anyone else, they are children, I cared for in the last three or four years in my life. I was an important caregiver for them. I was important for them and they were - and still are - important to me.  I haven't cried a tear for my BPDex for months, but I still cry, because I miss her children. And I can't pigeon-hole them in the not-my-business-drawer... .I feel empathy for them and I can't deny that empathy. I need to feel empathy not to go nuts myself. Feeling empathy proves me, that I'm not damaged. 

[Mutt]

Maternus,

I was told by family members that my SD is not for me to worry about because she's not yours.

That really hurt to hear they thought this.

It took awhile for me to work through this. The r/s we had was like a father and daughter, a caretaker, a bond a parent makes with a child.

My family didn't bond with her like I did.

I think of her as family.

[Maternus]

It took awhile for me to work through this.

And how did you work it out?

[Mutt]

It took awhile for me to work through this.

And how did you work it out?

I had to let her go.

I had to let her go so that she may return and re-establish a relationship with me later in life, when she's of age. She's estranged and I did have a conversation with her. She recalls our relationship and said "Mutt, you're the only person that's ever stuck up for me." My point, I was an influence in her life, not one that she's forgotten. I'm hopeful we'll reconnect.

It's OK Maternus to have these feelings. I'm sorry

[BorisAcusio]

My actual question is: Do you think it's a good idea to contact the father of my UBPDex's children and ask him, if he is aware of her personality disorder?  I think he should know and it's up to him, to find out, what is the best for his children.  

You've got good intentions but what's happening in their life is none of your business.

I'm not sure, if I can agree with you. I'd like to agree, if it were only adults, we talk about. But we talk about children - and to me, they are not children of anyone else, they are children, I cared for in the last three or four years in my life. I was an important caregiver for them. I was important for them and they were - and still are - important to me.  I haven't cried a tear for my BPDex for months, but I still cry, because I miss her children. And I can't pigeon-hole them in the not-my-business-drawer... .I feel empathy for them and I can't deny that empathy. I need to feel empathy not to go nuts myself. Feeling empathy proves me, that I'm not damaged.  

My apologies if I was too blunt, I wasn't mean to offend or invalidate you but realistically speaking, any intervention from your part will be considered abusive, the role of the so called Persecutor in the drama triangle. We're not mental health experts, with diagnosing her and suspecting daugter could be affected, you actually provide an example for her strong distorted belief.

While your feelings are real and honorable, I just can't see how you it could play out in the way you intend it.

[Ripped Heart]

As a child of NPD father and uBPD mother, I hope I can shed some light on your question as it is something I've discussed in great length with T.

I'm most certainly 100% not BPD or NPD though I do recognise the traits and have mirrored a couple that I picked up from my parents. My T has said that children tend to mostly go one of 2 ways depending on their role within their family. We all learn from our parents so with some children they see this as how life should be, how they should act, feel and behave and in turn they can most definitely become BPD or NPD.

Then there is the other side, which is where I fall. Where you know that something is not right, you spend your childhood and adulthood constantly trying to gain the affections of the pwBPD, feeling the hurt, the pain and the loneliness and becoming the complete opposite of your parents. For many of us, that's how we became rescuers and part of what drew us to relationships with pwBPD.

For some children in the first category, they pick up enough traits to be diagnosed themselves but in some respects this could just be traits and through patience and good therapy, it's far easier to help a child understand and learn to grow.

So in answer to your question, it's very possible that a child with a BPD parent could very likely become BPD themselves but it's also as likely that they can just pick up traits or simply go the complete opposite way altogether.