feeling very guilty, almost broke NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My uBPDexgf lost a co-worker to a sudden illness.  This prompted an email from her a week or so ago.

I was thinking of this today, and watched a few videos on youtube that describes the emotional state of a BPD sufferer.

I was very touched and saddened and shed tears.

I then began feeling very bad about how I ended things, and I nearly broke NC by ordering delivery flowers to her.  The note was to be one of condolence and to let her know that I will always have warm feelings despite us not being able to be together.

But then at the last moment, I stopped myself.

I shared this before, but I ended our relationship very abruptly.  In fact, we were supposed to leave in just a few days for a 1 week vacation in the Caribbean and she was very excited and getting ready.

A few weeks prior though, it was revealed to me that she had cheated on her last two serious boyfriends and had lied to me about it.  Also, she lied to me about the STDs that she has and could have passed on to me.  I had caught her in many other smaller lies.  And she always embarrassed me by how she acted in public toward others when drunk.  She made me feel very insecure and embarrassed.

The night we broke up, she was chatting up a guy at a bar in front of me, despite all of the issues that we had had revolving around her breaking my trust.  I had too much to drink that night and all my angst spilled out.

I behaved very badly.  I screamed at her in public and called her horrible things and tried to wreck her self esteem in a series of texts and emails.  She loved me very much, and I flipped on a dime and gutted her.  I knew exactly what to say.

I feel awful.  I know that I was acting crazy.  I thought she was malicious instead of simply disordered.  I know I caused her extreme heartache.  I was hurt too but that was blunted by my anger and righteous indignation.  I was in the stronger position.

I can't believe I treated her like that after once loving her.  But I felt that she had been a fraud and very callous by basically pulling tricks to deceive me about who she really was and what she has done.  And after our other issues, her being overly friendly with a strange male and not having an ah ha moment of "I almost lost my relationship with raisins and I understand how I broke his trust.  I should be careful what impression I put out there especially right now" just ripped me in half.

I looked at her that night and she just seemed like a total harlot the way she was acting.

I feel very bad.  I wish I could make things up to her, but I can't.

I apologized twice in writing and I sent her flowers and a gift as an apology.  I guess I now just have to let her be.   :'(

[raisins3142]

My uBPDexgf lost a co-worker to a sudden illness.  This prompted an email from her a week or so ago.

I was thinking of this today, and watched a few videos on youtube that describes the emotional state of a BPD sufferer.

I was very touched and saddened and shed tears.

I then began feeling very bad about how I ended things, and I nearly broke NC by ordering delivery flowers to her.  The note was to be one of condolence and to let her know that I will always have warm feelings despite us not being able to be together.

But then at the last moment, I stopped myself.

I shared this before, but I ended our relationship very abruptly.  In fact, we were supposed to leave in just a few days for a 1 week vacation in the Caribbean and she was very excited and getting ready.

A few weeks prior though, it was revealed to me that she had cheated on her last two serious boyfriends and had lied to me about it.  Also, she lied to me about the STDs that she has and could have passed on to me.  I had caught her in many other smaller lies.  And she always embarrassed me by how she acted in public toward others when drunk.  She made me feel very insecure and embarrassed.

The night we broke up, she was chatting up a guy at a bar in front of me, despite all of the issues that we had had revolving around her breaking my trust.  I had too much to drink that night and all my angst spilled out.

I behaved very badly.  I screamed at her in public and called her horrible things and tried to wreck her self esteem in a series of texts and emails.  She loved me very much, and I flipped on a dime and gutted her.  I knew exactly what to say.

I feel awful.  I know that I was acting crazy.  I thought she was malicious instead of simply disordered.  I know I caused her extreme heartache.  I was hurt too but that was blunted by my anger and righteous indignation.  I was in the stronger position.

I can't believe I treated her like that after once loving her.  But I felt that she had been a fraud and very callous by basically pulling tricks to deceive me about who she really was and what she has done.  And after our other issues, her being overly friendly with a strange male and not having an ah ha moment of "I almost lost my relationship with raisins and I understand how I broke his trust.  I should be careful what impression I put out there especially right now" just ripped me in half.

I looked at her that night and she just seemed like a total harlot the way she was acting.

I feel very bad.  I wish I could make things up to her, but I can't.

I apologized twice in writing and I sent her flowers and a gift as an apology.  I guess I now just have to let her be.   :'(

[JRT]

Don't be too hard on yourself man. I don;t think that there are many people that would have reacted any differently if they were in the same situation. What she did was a huge violation in trust; the foundation of a relationship. And then to dangle that trust in front of you when you were sensitive to it?

Go easy on yourself... .

[Tim300]

I'm sure that all of us Nons have had some responses that we regret.  But I don't think many people would have responded any differently -- and nor should they have.  And how could you have known how to respond when she wasn't even up front with you about her issues, etc.  Heck, you can even be glad that you reacted the way you did and that this is done and that it's gone to NC.

[CloseToFreedom]

If it makes you feel any better, I have some things I regret doing with my ex. I have never before done or never will do things I'm mentioning below, but she truly brought out the worst in me. I realise that some of these things look bad on me, especially without context, but thats just how our relationship was, unfortunately. Intense highs and intense lows.

- I once put my hands around her neck. Not to really choke her, but still, it was the suggestion. Not proud of it, but she was getting physical as well.

- Once broke her expensive glasses after she threw a bottle of beer to my head.

- In arguments, like she did, I sometimes used her weaknesses against her to hurt her the most. Her weakness is that her father left her as a child and has a new family on the other side of the world. I once said to her that its no wonder that her father left her behind.

- While she did her share of breaking up, I did too. I kicked (figurely speaking) her out of my house a few times.

- We yelled and cussed more times to each other than I can count. Must be hundreds of times. I slammed doors and gave her silent treatments.

As you can see, in 4 years time I've done some bad things that I'm still ashamed of. Still, I do feel like it was the culmination of a toxic relationship. I've never done these things before I met her. They have the power to turn you into a bad man. And the worst part is, you see them enjoying it when you turn into one. When you cross your own boundary and hurt her someway, you see in their eyes and their twisted smile that they enjoy that they got you that far. They're sadistic.

[cehlers55]

CTF i dont think any of those things are really that bad.

I mean they drive us nuts. Totally Bananas. What else can be expected?

Everyone's patience runs out.

Mine ran out at 4.5 years and that was it. Marriage over.

Some of my regrets are more internal. Private thoughts how trapped i felt. How there was just no other solution... .Not fun. Also regrets about things i should have done differently. Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

[raisins3142]

Don't be too hard on yourself man. I don;t think that there are many people that would have reacted any differently if they were in the same situation. What she did was a huge violation in trust; the foundation of a relationship. And then to dangle that trust in front of you when you were sensitive to it?

Go easy on yourself... .

Thanks.

Exactly, the whole object permanence and impulsivity and mirroring things combined.

A week or so prior, she had wept at how she had broken our trust (more like crying over getting caught).  And she promised to rebuild that trust if I gave her time and patience.

Then first time a guy walks up to her with a smile saying "hi, how are you?" she just melts like spun sugar in a rain storm.

It was too much.

She talks to every moderately attractive man the way that women that like me talk to me on a first date.  Gross   

I told her "the way you act makes you look soo easy".

[JRT]

The notable thing hers is that most BPD's seem to be very successful at hiding their trysts from their partners... .yours almost seems to not be able to control herself let alone keeping it in the open... .I wonder if she has something in additions to BPD?

[raisins3142]

I'm sure that all of us Nons have had some responses that we regret.  But I don't think many people would have responded any differently -- and nor should they have.  And how could you have known how to respond when she wasn't even up front with you about her issues, etc.  Heck, you can even be glad that you reacted the way you did and that this is done and that it's gone to NC.

Thanks.

This will sound weird, but part of my motivation was to push her away so hard that she would not attempt to reconcile with me.  Ironic that me going bat guano crazy was also a moment of clarity and purposeful action in some way.  She still tried to get back with me though.  This further cemented her issues in my mind.  I said horrible things (mostly true) and she was ready to reconcile 5 minutes later.

[raisins3142]

The notable thing hers is that most BPD's seem to be very successful at hiding their trysts from their partners... .yours almost seems to not be able to control herself let alone keeping it in the open... .I wonder if she has something in additions to BPD?

I'm unsure if she ever physically cheated.  My feeling is no given that she was with me every spare moment and gave me full access to her cell phone records.  But there is still the possibility.

Emotional affairs or talking to exes or flirty guys behind my back through facebook or email?  Pretty decent chance of that, I'd think.

Overall I think it was need for male attention; inability to "model" the world, people, and social dynamics around her (i.e. couldn't read situations); and inability to modulate her affect/how she came off.  She just went super fake any time she was in a situation where she cared about the impression.  She acted however she thought would get the most attention/positive feeling and I think most was unconscious.  With men, she knew if she smiled huge and stood close to them and stared in their eyes and huge on their words and giggled at everything they said that... .the guy would act like he enjoyed talking to her and she might make a new "friend" (put in quotes because these male friends she had in the past were all orbiters hoping to sleep with/date her in the future).


She at least acted genuinely shocked when I told her "you flirt with guys right in front of me".  To her, she was being polite and friendly because she just could not read situations.  Flirting is a lot like pornography... .it is difficult to define but you know it when you see it.  And I'm not one to think flirting in front of your partner all the time is harmless.  It is hurtful if every time you take your SO out they spend half the night or more talking to other men and (because they are new to them) are actually nicer to them than they are to you.