Just needed to get this off my chest to people who will understand

[husband112]

I’ve known my wife for 7 years now.  We’ve been married for 5, with a 4 year old  son.

I always knew there was something just not right with our relationship.  I knew my wife had her problems, but I think I believed that I didn’t help make her problems better.  I always blamed myself for her unhappiness, but mainly because she would frequently blame me. I was told a lot I did nothing in the house, and she does everything. I always walked on eggshells with her because I never knew what would set her off.  I’m now being told by our marriage counselor that I’m really bad at communicating, although I’m starting to realize that’s not entirely true. It was not really possible to communicate with my wife. I could say how I felt about something, but it would always turn into an argument, and it had to be her way or the whole weekend would be ruined with her being mad at me.  She always got so mad that my mom and me would have the same opinions about everything, and I never agreed with her. I’m starting to realize that was probably true, but it was two rational people giving her rational opinions, and that made her angry. She always told me my hobbies and interests were boring, and never wanted to hear about something that happened at work because my work was so boring.  If I told her a story, I didn’t communicate very well, and she couldn’t understand. I started to really believe that I was just really bad at… talking. It made me have very low confidence at work speaking because I wasn’t sure if co-workers were understanding me.

Nothing was ever good enough for her. I’m realizing now how much she didn’t want me seeing my friends. I slowly grew distant to my friends and family. I was always embarrassed to bring her around, because she would tease me or say something really offensive that would embarrass me.  I was trying to hide her from people who cared about me.

She never wanted to have sex, it couldn’t happen more than once a week (if I was lucky)  and if it did she had to initiate it. But initiating it would be saying, “You have 5 minutes, we only have time for a quicky”. A quicky. That saying still haunts me. I would have to beg her to go down on her, and she would frequently say we didn’t have enough time to do that, and if she did let me, she would just sit there. I felt so unwanted sexually. She would always blame me, saying I never initiated sex, but if I ever did, she would say “I don’t feel like it tonight, I don’t feel well”. She never felt well.  She would make comments that I don’t work out enough, and that if I ever questioned spending money on something that seemed silly, she would say “You know, being cheap really is a turn off, it’s not attractive at all”.  That would shut me up.

It got really bad in the last year or so. She would literally not pay any attention to me at all. If I was speaking it was like it was going in one ear and out the other. She would always be upstairs working out, and never want to spend time with me watching something or talking. If she ever did want to watch something with me, she would spend the whole time looking at her phone, and not paying any attention to the show or me.

I found out recently she was having an affair with someone from her office. She talked about him a lot, like almost rubbing it in my face. I didn’t like it, but I thought I was being too jealous to say she couldn’t talk to a man from her office. Turns out she was having frequent emotional and sexual conversations with him by text message. Some on the couch while she was watching something with me, saying “I wish I was with you right now” She had events she needed to go to at night sometimes. She made out with him at the office several times, and in his car after these events. She met up with him at our place at least once when she took a sick day. She says he didn’t come in and they only hugged in the stairwell. She also says when I was away on a business trip and she sent our son to our grandparents house that she was with him in his car, but it wasn’t sexual and he didn’t come upstairs. She still says she didn’t have intercourse with him, but I don’t believe her at this point.

Since discovering the affair she was being totally untruthful about everything. I had to interrogate her to get answers. She still didn’t want me having access to her phone. She refused to find a new job. Looking back I don’t know how I stayed at all through that. I guess it felt… normal.

Since then, I have finally discovered she was being verbally abusive to me the whole relationship. Verbal abuse information frequently sites” BPD, and after reading ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ it seems spot on.

After the last straw which was reading her deleted text messages and finding out things she was still lying about, and I said that was it, and I was ending the relationship. She begged me to stay that day saying she couldn’t be left alone, she might hurt herself. I’m realizing now that was probably a lie. She was upset, she told me things she had never said to me before, really good things she likes about me.  After that day, it was totally love for her. She wants to have sex all the time, and it’s great I have to admit. Better than when we were first together. She’s really clingy though, she wanted to start having lunch at work. She has admitted to being verbally abusive, and agrees she likely has BPD.

She knows how much sex means to me in the relationship, she says she’s enjoying it and that opening up has been made her feel better. She says she feels terrible about how she treated me, and the affair and she loves me and wants this to work. And she wants to get help, although she’s made no real effort to get help, but she says she would.  In some ways her current state is scarier, because at least when she’s being nasty it’s the devil I know. Everything I’m reading is saying this is really typical of a BPD when you threaten to go, it’s just a defence mechanism, and not necessarily a deep love that all of a sudden came out. She actually said to me the other day “I’m not scared of you abandoning me, I just don’t want you to do”. That sounds similar to me. I just feel like I can’t just be mad at her for the affair because she’s super sensitive now, and very insecure.  I know the sex is obscuring my better judgement, but it feels good. I have to admit I’m afraid of divorce for our son, and it’s easy to believe her that she’s changed and doesn’t want to go back to the way things were. I do still love her, and I feel almost stupid saying that at this point. But my rational side is saying I need to leave. I’ve never listened to my rational side with her before, and I’m starting to realize that’s the problem.

[Waddams]

It's confusing isn't it?  How could the person that treated you so awful sudden become the person she is now?  Is she being honest now?  The questions and uncertainty are enough to drive a man mad.  Add in the sudden shift in libido and it's a rather up and down emotional rollercoaster.

One thing that I've noticed in my current relationship is SO, I think, confuses boundaries and values.  I've experienced many many times when I state how I feel about something and it turns into an argument because she doesn't agree with it.  SO tells me I violated her boundaries by thinking or feeling different, and it's disrespectful to her to disagree with her.  What's really happening is she's trying to force her values on me (ie - she's trying to control me) and is not happy when I hold a boundary around my values and don't concede to her control.  The anger then becomes justification for mistreatment because we deserve punishment in their eyes.

After they get caught doing something for which they have no defense, the same interaction happens, only in reverse.  They think they deserve punishment, and are terrified of receiving it, so they will do almost anything to soften your heart towards them.  They are trying to avoid the punishment they think is coming and get you to back off seeking the rest of the truth.

Think of it this way too, their new behavior after being caught is exactly the kind of bowing down they are looking for from us when they are angry at us.  They literally expect us to grovel like they do when the shoe is on other foot.  They are expecting us to be the ones prostrating ourselves before them when they are angry at us, just like they are doing when we are angry at them and they know they have no defense. 

It's all the same routine, one way or another.  The real question is how do we not get caught up in the same routine and effect real positive change in our relationships?

[JRT]

If I made any mistake of any kind during my r/s, it was during recycles when she told me that she 'needed to see someone', i never saw to it that she did. She said that several times and I left her to her own devices and she never did make an appointment. It might have saved my r/s with her as she finally left and it looks like its for good. Yours at least has made the acknowledgement, this is a very good first step. The trick will be how to get her to a T on her own accord and without upsetting her.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Wow, I can relate to so many pieces of your story. You will find lots and lots of support here. I've been married to my spouse for 16.5 years. I know all about how good it feels when they apologize and promise to do better and actually do better for a while. Then, things slip back into that state of blah without me even realizing what has happened.

It is rough and you are not alone. I would recommend starting out by reading the lessons on the right side of the forum. I found the lesson on taking inventory to be pretty helpful. I am still trying to figure out what my priorities are and how to move forward. I know that at some point I want to leave. I have 4 kids with my husband so I am working on staying for now with an eye towards parting ways if there are no significant changes in the next couple of years.

Vent away! Lots of people can relate and offer you support and ideas.

[Kabooma]

Wow, I walked on the traditional eggshells just reading that.  You have my sympathy.

It sounds like yours and mine could almost be sisters, with exception that mine let herself go after marriage instead of working out  :'(

The cheating thing will always haunt you.  Mine had the exact same kind of affair (and subsequent lies and denials) way back in 1999 and I still occasionally feel a knife in my gut when it pops in my head.  I have since kind of let go of that aspect of our lives.  We are getting along better than ever the last two years, with only occasional flare ups, but the sex is a distant memory.  She's super self-conscious and heavy- not a good combination.  But mostly it's because like vacations and holidays... she get's a plan in her head that it's all going to be this grandiose event, and the moment something doesn't live up to the extreme requirements, she's angry and painting me black.  And she wants that 3-hour lovemaking session that's hot, passionate, perfect.  Like the movies.  She doesn't seem to understand that the TV has put a lot of insane ideas into her head on how life works.

Anyways,... .sorry, enough about me. 

You of course are basking in the sun right now.  It's been so long for you- since she saw you as a positive in her life, and trust me... you will sense her changing back days before it happens.  Nothing specific, but one day you will just feel it.  You will start walking on eggshells again, you will sense that one wrong word, action, or forgotten task will send her into mental meltdown.  And you won't be mistaken.  That's how BPD works in my house.  I've been sensing it for about a week now (which is unusually long), and it's coming.  I'm doing everything I can do stem the inevitable.  Truth be told, I got a lot going on this week/weekend, and if I can make it to Sunday, then bam, I can screw up on purpose and let her melt down in a more controlled environment (not screwing with my other plans ).

The part with the friends and family... .actually yes, keep them away from her.  Visit as often as you can with them alone.  Hope they understand that she is not well.  Much of my family more or less disowned me after some of my wife's antics, blow-ups at them, accusations, etc...   They didn't understand.  Most people don't, or can't.  You live with it, so you know how it is.

In all honesty, kid or not, I should have left 10 years ago.  I'm trapped, and have posted about it here a few times over the last couple of years, so I vent here.  If your wife flips back and forth from super-mean to perfect wife, over and over, you will eventually bail.  Or pray that she leaves you, which some here say is common, but I haven't been so lucky.

Good luck!

[husband112]

Wow, these are great responses, thanks so much for sharing. I've started opening up to friends and family about what's going on, but they just don't understand the way people do here. I have to say it doesn't sound very promising though. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It may help to give me the strength I need to leave.

Why are all of you staying to put up with it?

I understand the kids, but would it be healthier for the kids if you left?

I'm still young, and I couldn't imagine having another kid with her, but I would like one some day. I don't really envision us growing old together. It always felt like putting in time. I would always say to myself, "well, I can last one more year, maybe 5". Maybe the affair is a good thing, it may give me the strength to leave. Thanks again

[Mr.Downtrodden]

It's all about CONTROL.

the BPD controls the relationship, from the moment they pick you out.

Great sex lasts only as long as they want it to.  Or anything else that lures us to their hook.

My ex forgot that I have an excellent memory.  I recalled each time she "leaked" out a thought or comment verbally.  Unfortunately for myself, I could only piece the jigsaw puzzle of her persona together when it was too late to exit devoid of emotional damage.

Control was thee most important facet of her modus operandi.

[ugghh]

 

You are indeed asking in the right place.   Been there done that.  I was married for 26 years, 3 kids aged 21,19,17 when the divorce was finalized last summer.   Just like you I kept telling myself I can stick this out.  

Why did I stay that long - lots of reasons - the kids were too young, my parents were married 50 plus years and I thought all marriages should work like that, I thought I could try harder, I let the daily grind of life and work distract me from really looking at just how bad things were.   Finally my then 19 year old daughter came back from college and realized just how good life was on the other side and she literally called me every day for weeks to nag me to get a counselor.  That probably saved my life mentally and physically.

My uBPDexw also had an affair on me, which she of course said was my fault - wait, what? I said I could forgive her but I am not sure I ever really could.  12 years later I finally found the strength to go through with the divorce.  

While the sex may be awesome and for you an important part of the relationship, make no mistakes about it, to her it is a tool to keep you off balance and under control.   There is a ton of truth in what has already been written by Kabooma and Waddams. If you look closely, you will probably see the cycle of behavior in your pwBPD.  Because of the massive trigger of abandonment fear, she is indeed on her best behavior.  Slowly as she settles in and gets more comfortable, she will begin building up both the relationship and you in her mind until boom one day the paranoia starts to set in and she begins looking for the next way you will disappoint her.  At which point you will be painted totally black.

The best advice I can offer - go get a counselor for yourself to help you sort out what makes the most sense for you at this time.  If you are like most of us were at that point, you are probably not in the best place to make those decisions without a little outside help.

Hang in there and keep coming back for support.

[husband112]

Thanks so much everyone for the kind responses. I've booked a session with an individual therapist to help me with this process.