Dilemma about how she is treating my 13 Year Old. She is the next target.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So far in my relationship with my BPD wife I have been through a lot. I am pretty tough and have been able to cope with the amount of drama that has come my way. I am planning my exit from this relationship but things take time to set up and I don't want to rush and show my hand.

However a new development has taken place that I am not sure how to handle. My 13 year old step daughter is now the target of my wife and her anger. This is a brand new problem for my step daughter. Although she is not new to seeing the rage that has been aimed at me for years, she has been left out of it. From my point of view it was a real wake up call to how much I do not like my wife. It was one thing to have anger directed at me but another to aim it at our daughter. It upsets me so much that I almost threw up from the stress of trying to stop the one sided fight. It was an emotional abuse fest.

The Trigger:

Stepdaughter did a project for school that featured family members. She did not include her mom in the project but did include a non family member who is her biological dads girlfriends daughter. Its not the first time she has done a school project about family and not included her mom in the project. So basically it made my BPD wife feel unloved. My wife feels like she is at the bottom of the list in her daughters world.

Basically she told my 13 year old stepdaughter the following:

She does not love her anymore and will no longer tell her that she does.

She does not matter. To the world maybe she matters but she no longer has any room in her heart for her.

Why would she put so much effort into loving her child if she does not love her back.

That she wants her to move out to her dads house instead of living with us part time.

Is going to start selling her stuff when she leaves.

As a mom she is going to move on.

Took everything that she has ever given her and threw it in her moms face.

She does not consider daughter as family anymore so I does not want to be part of her world.

It sounds like she finally knocked her daughter off the pillar she has been living on her whole life. Poor kid.

I guess I need some guidance on what to say to my stepdaughter about what is happening. Can anyone help me?

[propunchingbag]

So far in my relationship with my BPD wife I have been through a lot. I am pretty tough and have been able to cope with the amount of drama that has come my way. I am planning my exit from this relationship but things take time to set up and I don't want to rush and show my hand.

However a new development has taken place that I am not sure how to handle. My 13 year old step daughter is now the target of my wife and her anger. This is a brand new problem for my step daughter. Although she is not new to seeing the rage that has been aimed at me for years, she has been left out of it. From my point of view it was a real wake up call to how much I do not like my wife. It was one thing to have anger directed at me but another to aim it at our daughter. It upsets me so much that I almost threw up from the stress of trying to stop the one sided fight. It was an emotional abuse fest.

The Trigger:

Stepdaughter did a project for school that featured family members. She did not include her mom in the project but did include a non family member who is her biological dads girlfriends daughter. Its not the first time she has done a school project about family and not included her mom in the project. So basically it made my BPD wife feel unloved. My wife feels like she is at the bottom of the list in her daughters world.

Basically she told my 13 year old stepdaughter the following:

She does not love her anymore and will no longer tell her that she does.

She does not matter. To the world maybe she matters but she no longer has any room in her heart for her.

Why would she put so much effort into loving her child if she does not love her back.

That she wants her to move out to her dads house instead of living with us part time.

Is going to start selling her stuff when she leaves.

As a mom she is going to move on.

Took everything that she has ever given her and threw it in her moms face.

She does not consider daughter as family anymore so I does not want to be part of her world.

It sounds like she finally knocked her daughter off the pillar she has been living on her whole life. Poor kid.

I guess I need some guidance on what to say to my stepdaughter about what is happening. Can anyone help me?

[Mutt]

 

Hi propunchingbag,

I'm sorry to hear that.

I can relate. I was blasted from my ex when I started to set boundaries. My ex had a boyfriend in the marriage and left with the kids. I feared my SD13 was going to be blasted because my ex was putting her boyfriend on a pedestal. SD13 stood up to my and was split bad from mom and was blasted when I was out of the picture.

I'm sorry for what your SD13 is going through. There's an awful lot of emotional blackmail from your wife to SD13 and she's split bad.

[livednlearned]

Hi propunchingbag,

It has to be so hard to listen to that kind of abuse, from parent to child.  :'(

What is your relationship like with SD13? Does she confide in you at all, or share her feelings with you?

And what kind of relationship does SD13 have with her bio dad?

[propunchingbag]

Hi propunchingbag,

It has to be so hard to listen to that kind of abuse, from parent to child.  :'(

What is your relationship like with SD13? Does she confide in you at all, or share her feelings with you?

And what kind of relationship does SD13 have with her bio dad?

My relationship with my SD13 is really great. She confides in no one. We even had her get some counseling and the counselor has not been able to get through yet and it's been four months of once a week. I am sure it comes from her relationship with her dad who is very NPD. She tells her bio dad as little as possible. He runs her around constantly and showers her in gifts so she will like him. Everytime I see him he wants to show me the newest thing he has bought so I say it's cool and I like it.  Sad really.  He is a trust funded so always has new things to show off.

[propunchingbag]

It's great but she knows I cannot help her with her mom other than coaching her in stratagies to combat the attacks. Now that she is 13 her friends mean everything to her. I see her less and less because of it. If you add in all her sports and activities the kid is busy. I think I will go to the next counselor session to help her share what is going on.

[Harri]

It's great but she knows I cannot help her with her mom other than coaching her in stratagies to combat the attacks.

Why can't you do more?