It's a downward spiral

[maxen]

I was so happy that they agreed and that they understand that i might be in

some difficult times right now. I have always been a good tenant until recently so they are giving me the benefit of

the doubt.

   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

Sheed,

 

For everyone else reading this... .validation is very important.  Avoiding invalidation is even more important.

There is not an exact formula... .but one invalidation... .will "cancel out"... several validations.

So... .if you get the deer in the headlights moment thing... .focus on avoiding an invalidation... .and you will be fine.

If you can avoid invalidation... .and figure out how to validate... .YOU ARE THE BOSS!

If you validate like a pro... .and then slip up and invalidate... .You just snatched defeat from the jaws of victory!

[waverider]

Sounds like you are doing fine once you can start taking one step at a time.

Formfliers point about making sure you don't invaildate, before you start validating is a good one. it is better your default is to say nothing rather than too much because you are trying to hard. Not only will it have a negative impact, but it is also disheartening to yourself and makes it all seem even more hopeless

[Sheed]

Good Day People!

Here is an update on my r/s. So today she told me that she cheated on me with her coworker for a lot of reasons and

that she doesn't feel guilty about it. As you all may know, SO and I have had really ugly physical fights. These are the

reasons why she cheated. She feels that I never respected her and that I was and always will be a bad person.

I already know about the cheating part even before today but she didn't know that i do. So i have been processing it

already. Before i left for work, I told her this. "Look, I love you and i acknowledge my fault in the things that

happened especially recently. But here is one thing that i have realized, I am not afraid anymore. I always had the

fear of losing you and i think that created an unhealthy response to all of this and I am sorry. I am not afraid to lose

you anymore. If you are going to leave I have to accept that." She then responded and said, "see, that's

because everything is different now and you just don't care about me like before. I am moving out!" With a calm

voice i said, "if that is what you want, so be it. I know you have to work today so i will be coming back to pick you up

and drop you off at work."

I will say this, I really do love her but I don't want to be keeping her from where she is happy. Be it in another

relationship or being single for a moment. As you understand what is going on in her head you begin to see and

separate her condition from her. I also told her, "I am taking a leap of faith and I am taking you back but one thing

is for sure. If i find out about another thing like this again, and you know I will, I am out"

Thoughts? please leave your comments! Thanks for all of your insight!

Sheed

[formflier]

 

Sheed,

I think you are going in the right direction.

Especially if you were calm in the delivery... even... not reactive.

The responses were a little bit long... .

So... .try this on for size... .

She says she is moving out... .

you say...

"Well... that is certainly troubling news... .I'll need some time to process that.  Hopefully we can have time tonight were we can talk properly about the future of our r/s.  "

Very even delivery is key... .most likely she is saying that to get a reaction.  DO NOT give her a "reaction".

[Sheed]

Hi All! today was a difficult day. We got into a fight about my ex GF on my email while she was snooping around.

Mind you this email I sent to my ex GF was 8 months before I met her. She is trying to pin her behavior (cheating)

on me because I lied to her and that our relationship was FAKE. I expected this anyway because I know that she

can't rest until she has proven that her actions were because I did something. I guess snooping around on my email

she found her reason. While we were in turmoil her phone accidentally dialed her sister. Minutes later her brother

was at my doorstep. Now that this has happened, there is no turning back. We are done for good. Of course I will be

the "bad person" in this whole ordeal but I have learned to accept that. She is now packing up her stuff so she can

get out of the apartment and move out. I went back to get some stuff because I will not be going back to the

apartment. I will be sleeping at a friends house who I confided with and he is letting me stay with him. She did tell

me not to go far and I asked why and she said you'll see. An hour later I got a text from her that she had a question

and to call her when I get the chance. I have not responded to it. I tried to make it work I think but It looks like

we've come to the end of the road.

Sheed

[formflier]

Hi All! today was a difficult day. We got into a fight about my ex GF on my email while she was snooping around.

Boundary issue... .most people (including me) have had to go to extreme measures to secure their email from prying eyes.  There is nothing wrong with anything in my email... but as you have seen... .they will try to make something wrong out of it.

When you say got into a fight... .did you argue back? 

Now that this has happened, there is no turning back. We are done for good.

I don't understand why this means done for good?  What is special about this fight or this event?

I have not responded to it. I tried to make it work I think but It looks like

we've come to the end of the road.

What is your plan? 

Here is something to think about.  If you call her back... .and she tries to get you to fight or is abusive... .it will be easy to protect yourself... .just hang up.

If you call and she is cooperative... .maybe you can have a reasonable discussion.

I think the biggest issue is you.   Do you feel like you are at a settled place where you can properly handled a phone call.

If the answer is no... then by all means... .stay NC. 

If you think you are in a good place... .then you have options to consider.

Hang in there... .the hours after a big fight are always the worst... .

[Sheed]

Hi Formflier!

Unfortunately I did argue back. I fell into it. Although, she got physical with me but I didn't fight back.

The special thing about this event is that her brother got involved. She is very secretive about her life (the one that exposes her real flaws at least) because she had no problem telling me that guys are just constantly hitting on her and that she likes it because it fills a void that I supposedly could not fulfill. I say that we are done for good because of I can't stand that she is putting her cheating ways on me. I took her back but still she continues to find ways (by going through my personal affects) to pin her actions on me. I don't like the fact that she has no accountability on her part. It just makes me sick to my stomach.



As I have said, I slept at my friends house last night. I blocked her from my phone so she cant contact me. In the morning I stopped by the apartment in high hopes that she has left but she is still there. I didn't say anything. I just picked up a few stuff and left for work. She tried talking to me but I straight up ignored her. She has not given me a clear answer on when she is gonna leave the apartment. The last thing she said was she's going to leave when she's ready. I politely requested for her to leave by the weekend but she told me that I don't have the right to tell her what to do.

Based on your experiences, how long does it take for them to really leave the premises?

Best,

Sheed

[formflier]

Unfortunately I did argue back. I fell into it. Although, she got physical with me but I didn't fight back.

How did that work out?  Not blaming all this on you... .but it is important that you "keep your side clean"... .if there is ever going to be hope for her to clean up her side.

because she had no problem telling me that guys are just constantly hitting on her and that she likes it because it fills a void that I supposedly could not fulfill.

And you listened to this... ?  Help me understand how participating in a conversation like this improves or benefits anyone.

[/i] I say that we are done for good because of I can't stand that she is putting her cheating ways on me.

If she cheated... but took ownership... .would you be ok with it?

I took her back but still she continues to find ways (by going through my personal affects) to pin her actions on me. I don't like the fact that she has no accountability on her part. It just makes me sick to my stomach.

If you aren't responsible for her actions... why worry what she says... .if you don't react... .she will eventually tire of trying to pin this on you.  Somehow in this dynamic she is getting "something" that she wants.

I didn't say anything.

Why?  I recommend greeting her politely... and going about your business.   Basically to act as if the situation doesn't bother you.

I politely requested for her to leave by the weekend but she told me that I don't have the right to tell her what to do.

Is he on the lease?  This is really more of a legal question... .not my field.

[Sheed]

1.) she is not on the lease

2.) I didn't say anything because I don't want to make it worse.

3.) I talked to her today when I went back for more stuff. She said she told her family about everything and they are building a DV case against me.

4.) I am beyond taking her back especially now that she is telling me that she is scared of me. I am not living in my apartment right now but she is. She tells me that she can't sleep because every time a car comes by she thinks it's me and that I might come in and be violent to her.

5.) I think she was trying to record the conversation earlier today and she is trying to get me to admit that I am violent to her but I am not.

6.) this thing just escalated big time. and I am a bit fazed.

Sheed

[waverider]

Now that you know she is trying set you up as a DV case, then you need to be on your most appropriate behavior at all times as the "evidence" for this will invariably be in her own mind and amount to nothing. If this takes you out of the "if only" and "what if" state of mind you can refocus on getting yourself back on track.

[formflier]

Now that you know she is trying set you up as a DV case, then you need to be on your most appropriate behavior at all times as the "evidence" for this will invariably be in her own mind and amount to nothing. If this takes you out of the "if only" and "what if" state of mind you can refocus on getting yourself back on track.

Look for apps for you phone to record what is going on. 

I know of guys that didn't go do jail because they had objective evidence of what was going on.

You need legal advice... asap... .about how to get her out of your apartment.  Lawyer can guide you on how to officially notify her that she isn't on the lease... .and she never lived there... .get out.

[Sheed]

Hello Guys and Gals!

Its been a week and a half since I left my apartment. She told me that this week is her last week and that she is moving out. Today she called and told me if she can take over the lease on the apartment? Can someone explain this behavior to me? is she stalling? is she manipulating again? This behavior is very unusual to me. She is not moving on with her life and it is making me furious.

-Sheed

[waverider]

Lack of regulation and structure means she will grab random thoughts and options and try to turn them into plans and decisions without thinking them through.

Dont react to them or these random thoughts may start to gain traction. Stick to you thought out plan of action.

There are no easy smooth transitions with BPD relationships.

[Sheed]

AH! thank you waverider. Would you say it is a good idea to keep staying at my friends place until this thing blows over? I can get her removed for squatting according to my land lady and legal counsel but I want this to be as civil as possible because i don't want to be inconvenienced by the DV charge that she threatened me with. It looks like she didn't take action and i want to keep it that way. She has been blowing up my phone at ungodly hours though. I never get to answer them because i am keeping my phone on silent when i go to sleep. She blows it up about 5 to 10 missed calls so far last week and Yesterday. Is this typical of someone with BPD?

[formflier]

She is not moving on with her life and it is making me furious.

That is most likely her intention... .

[formflier]

  Is this typical of someone with BPD?

yes... very typical