Intro

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm new here and I'm supposed to introduce myself, so here's my story:

Last June I began a romantic relationship with a woman I'd become acquainted with at the graduate school we both attend. I'd had a crush on her for some time. Very cute, very smart, and very mysterious in a way. It was an intense relationship from the beginning and she very quickly brought up the possibility of us running away together, traveling and living in a foreign country together, etc. It was sexually intense as well. All very exciting. However, at the same time, she'd often unexpectedly push me away, then return, and then push away again. At first in little ways, and then for longer periods of time. In retrospect, all of these things were major red flags, but even though I could sense something was off, I didn't really know about BPD, and I didn't know she had it until much later. And honestly I liked her so much and she made me feel so good that I was more than willing to overlook the strangeness of it all. Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful thing, too, it turns out.

As our relationship grew more intimate throughout the summer, she suddenly began baiting me into arguments, usually via text message, that would go on and on and around and around in circles. She'd accuse me of all sorts of crazy things. It was nuts. But then things would just be better and we'd move on like it never happened. Push, pull, push, pull. Then, while we were in the middle of planning a trip to spend a weekend together late last summer, she suddenly and unexpectedly cut me out of her life entirely, said she never really liked me, and all the usual things that you can read about all over these and other forums. She deleted her email account. She changed her phone number. The whole damn thing. During my last conversation with her, I learned I was just one in a long list of men in her life she'd done this to. Men whom she said knew better than to try to contact her again. Whoah. Needless to say, my head was spinning and I had no idea what was going on or why. She just didn't like me anymore, suddenly treated me like I was a threat to her personal safety, all the while saying very threatening things to me. I found myself very deeply involved with, and now rejected by, a chronic "abandoner." It sucked.

The day after she cut me off, I started googling, and lo and behold what did I find: BPD. It explained everything. It explained all of the stories about her past (she's had a rough life) and it explained everything about the way our relationship had gone in almost every way. It was all "textbook."

I had no contact with her for six weeks. Then, a couple weeks into the new semester last fall, I wrote her a very short note apologizing for the way things had gone and wishing her well. Truth is, I loved her very much and I missed her, but I truly expected her never to speak to me again. I was just looking for closure.

But a couple days later she started speaking to me again, very flirtatious, and I got sucked back in. This phase lasted only a month, during which time she was either expressing her intense desire to be my girlfriend and how much she loved me, or accusing me of cheating on her, being a jerk, and then not speaking to me at all. Because at this point I knew about BPD I could see the handwriting on the wall. It was also during this time that she revealed to me that she'd been diagnosed with BPD some years ago, after a failed suicide attempt. However, as far as I know she's never sought treatment for her BPD. I think her parents rejected the diagnosis. At any rate, I did my best to be a friend and a stable base for her. We did fun things together and I refused to engage her in the arguments she was always trying to pick with me. Instead, I tried to listen and validate as best I could. Honestly, I think it unnerved her. She'd say that I was gentle and kind and made her feel peaceful, but then on the other hand it seemed almost to make her mad that I wouldn't fight back with her. I just hung on as best I could because I was so in love with her, but at the same time I was already beginning to feel the grief and pain of losing her because I knew rejection was coming.

Eventually it ended the way you'd expect. We went on a date and it was apparent that night that things weren't going to last much longer. She was very critical of me and cold. But then she did her usual about-face and became very warm and engaging. Still, I was almost in tears by the end, even though most of the evening turned out okay. The cracks and seams were really beginning to show and I realized she was just hanging on with me to avoid being alone. In retrospect, she was probably struggling mightily herself to let go of our relationship. She just couldn't really bring herself to say so except indirectly and though her actions. She ignored me the next day, but then, on her initiative, we spent some time together on the following day. We went for an evening walk, which was our custom a couple times a week. She seemed fine and we walked and talked for hours. I thought that maybe I'd survived that round.

Nope. That was our last real conversation. We emailed briefly the next day, but then she started giving me the silent treatment, and I kind of knew this was probably going to be a permanent silent treatment. It was never easy to tell with her. I waited a week before I tried to speak to her again. I said "hi" to her as we passed on the sidewalk and she freaked out and literally almost ran away. I was crushed. Then another week or two passed when I ran into her out and about on campus one evening. I said "hi" in a friendly way again like you would to anyone, and literally from across the street - a nice safe distance - and she freaked out again, started screaming and cursing at me with a rage and anger that passes all understanding and, frankly, scared the living hell out of me. Then the next day she accused me of "harassment" to the school administration. Her story to them made me sound like a crazy stalker. She neglected to mention to them that we'd been in a relationship for many months. It seems I'd quickly become a total stranger to her. I was split totally black. Any rate, I wasn't interested in a fight, so I agreed not to speak to her again, and things were dropped.

And that's that, except that I've had the hardest time getting over her. I love her. I care for her. She could be very vulnerable at times and she occasionally allowed me a glimpse into her inner pain, the emptiness and loneliness she feels, and in general her struggle with BPD. It broke my heart and it continues to break my heart. I so wanted to save her.

Late last fall I began seeing a therapist to help me heal from the break-up because I could tell there was no way I'd be able to do so on my own. My own reading about BPD led me to Schema therapy, which intrigued me, so I'm now three months into treatment with a schema therapist, a student of Dr Jeffrey Young himself no less, who specializes in the treatment of BPD and their loved ones. During this time I've come to realize (with the help of my therapist) that my own mother, grandmother, and older brother all have many features of BPD, even though they're all undiagnosed. This is the likely explanation for the incredible chemistry I feel with this girl. In psychotherapeutic terms, it's the relationship pattern I'm used to, that I've internalized. Basically, she triggers all my "schemas."

Although I feel like I'm making progress, I'm here because it's hard to find anyone who can understand the power this woman has over me and why it is that I can't just let go. It feels like if I were to stop thinking of her the whole universe will just collapse and cease to exist. I don't talk to her. I have no contact with her whatsoever. I've eliminated all mementos and things like that. But still she's constantly on my mind and heart. I weep over her. I pray for her. I miss her. I want to be with her. So, that's sort of where things stand at the moment. I feel like I've been through hell and back, but I wouldn't trade a single moment of it. And I'll certainly never be the same again. God-willing I'll even be better because of it. Thanks.

[proust1986]

I'm new here and I'm supposed to introduce myself, so here's my story:

Last June I began a romantic relationship with a woman I'd become acquainted with at the graduate school we both attend. I'd had a crush on her for some time. Very cute, very smart, and very mysterious in a way. It was an intense relationship from the beginning and she very quickly brought up the possibility of us running away together, traveling and living in a foreign country together, etc. It was sexually intense as well. All very exciting. However, at the same time, she'd often unexpectedly push me away, then return, and then push away again. At first in little ways, and then for longer periods of time. In retrospect, all of these things were major red flags, but even though I could sense something was off, I didn't really know about BPD, and I didn't know she had it until much later. And honestly I liked her so much and she made me feel so good that I was more than willing to overlook the strangeness of it all. Intermittent reinforcement is a powerful thing, too, it turns out.

As our relationship grew more intimate throughout the summer, she suddenly began baiting me into arguments, usually via text message, that would go on and on and around and around in circles. She'd accuse me of all sorts of crazy things. It was nuts. But then things would just be better and we'd move on like it never happened. Push, pull, push, pull. Then, while we were in the middle of planning a trip to spend a weekend together late last summer, she suddenly and unexpectedly cut me out of her life entirely, said she never really liked me, and all the usual things that you can read about all over these and other forums. She deleted her email account. She changed her phone number. The whole damn thing. During my last conversation with her, I learned I was just one in a long list of men in her life she'd done this to. Men whom she said knew better than to try to contact her again. Whoah. Needless to say, my head was spinning and I had no idea what was going on or why. She just didn't like me anymore, suddenly treated me like I was a threat to her personal safety, all the while saying very threatening things to me. I found myself very deeply involved with, and now rejected by, a chronic "abandoner." It sucked.

The day after she cut me off, I started googling, and lo and behold what did I find: BPD. It explained everything. It explained all of the stories about her past (she's had a rough life) and it explained everything about the way our relationship had gone in almost every way. It was all "textbook."

I had no contact with her for six weeks. Then, a couple weeks into the new semester last fall, I wrote her a very short note apologizing for the way things had gone and wishing her well. Truth is, I loved her very much and I missed her, but I truly expected her never to speak to me again. I was just looking for closure.

But a couple days later she started speaking to me again, very flirtatious, and I got sucked back in. This phase lasted only a month, during which time she was either expressing her intense desire to be my girlfriend and how much she loved me, or accusing me of cheating on her, being a jerk, and then not speaking to me at all. Because at this point I knew about BPD I could see the handwriting on the wall. It was also during this time that she revealed to me that she'd been diagnosed with BPD some years ago, after a failed suicide attempt. However, as far as I know she's never sought treatment for her BPD. I think her parents rejected the diagnosis. At any rate, I did my best to be a friend and a stable base for her. We did fun things together and I refused to engage her in the arguments she was always trying to pick with me. Instead, I tried to listen and validate as best I could. Honestly, I think it unnerved her. She'd say that I was gentle and kind and made her feel peaceful, but then on the other hand it seemed almost to make her mad that I wouldn't fight back with her. I just hung on as best I could because I was so in love with her, but at the same time I was already beginning to feel the grief and pain of losing her because I knew rejection was coming.

Eventually it ended the way you'd expect. We went on a date and it was apparent that night that things weren't going to last much longer. She was very critical of me and cold. But then she did her usual about-face and became very warm and engaging. Still, I was almost in tears by the end, even though most of the evening turned out okay. The cracks and seams were really beginning to show and I realized she was just hanging on with me to avoid being alone. In retrospect, she was probably struggling mightily herself to let go of our relationship. She just couldn't really bring herself to say so except indirectly and though her actions. She ignored me the next day, but then, on her initiative, we spent some time together on the following day. We went for an evening walk, which was our custom a couple times a week. She seemed fine and we walked and talked for hours. I thought that maybe I'd survived that round.

Nope. That was our last real conversation. We emailed briefly the next day, but then she started giving me the silent treatment, and I kind of knew this was probably going to be a permanent silent treatment. It was never easy to tell with her. I waited a week before I tried to speak to her again. I said "hi" to her as we passed on the sidewalk and she freaked out and literally almost ran away. I was crushed. Then another week or two passed when I ran into her out and about on campus one evening. I said "hi" in a friendly way again like you would to anyone, and literally from across the street - a nice safe distance - and she freaked out again, started screaming and cursing at me with a rage and anger that passes all understanding and, frankly, scared the living hell out of me. Then the next day she accused me of "harassment" to the school administration. Her story to them made me sound like a crazy stalker. She neglected to mention to them that we'd been in a relationship for many months. It seems I'd quickly become a total stranger to her. I was split totally black. Any rate, I wasn't interested in a fight, so I agreed not to speak to her again, and things were dropped.

And that's that, except that I've had the hardest time getting over her. I love her. I care for her. She could be very vulnerable at times and she occasionally allowed me a glimpse into her inner pain, the emptiness and loneliness she feels, and in general her struggle with BPD. It broke my heart and it continues to break my heart. I so wanted to save her.

Late last fall I began seeing a therapist to help me heal from the break-up because I could tell there was no way I'd be able to do so on my own. My own reading about BPD led me to Schema therapy, which intrigued me, so I'm now three months into treatment with a schema therapist, a student of Dr Jeffrey Young himself no less, who specializes in the treatment of BPD and their loved ones. During this time I've come to realize (with the help of my therapist) that my own mother, grandmother, and older brother all have many features of BPD, even though they're all undiagnosed. This is the likely explanation for the incredible chemistry I feel with this girl. In psychotherapeutic terms, it's the relationship pattern I'm used to, that I've internalized. Basically, she triggers all my "schemas."

Although I feel like I'm making progress, I'm here because it's hard to find anyone who can understand the power this woman has over me and why it is that I can't just let go. It feels like if I were to stop thinking of her the whole universe will just collapse and cease to exist. I don't talk to her. I have no contact with her whatsoever. I've eliminated all mementos and things like that. But still she's constantly on my mind and heart. I weep over her. I pray for her. I miss her. I want to be with her. So, that's sort of where things stand at the moment. I feel like I've been through hell and back, but I wouldn't trade a single moment of it. And I'll certainly never be the same again. God-willing I'll even be better because of it. Thanks.

[Recooperating]

 Hi Proust 1986 and

Although I feel like I'm making progress, I'm here because it's hard to find anyone who can understand the power this woman has over me and why it is that I can't just let go. It feels like if I were to stop thinking of her the whole universe will just collapse and cease to exist.

I am so glad you found this forum, it has been a god send for me! I struggled so much with my friends and family that tried to understand, but just couldnt! It is so comforting here to know you're not alone in your struggles and people actually understand the dynamics and the feelings you have.

Keep posting and keep reading, the lessons here on the board are very valuable and helpfull.

I am sorry you had to go through this and you were treated like this. Nobody deserves it.

It sounds very cliche, but it is oh so true, time will heal. It just takes a lot of it unfortunately.

Good that you have found a T that is helping you through this. Its good to figure out why we ended up in a rs like this, from that we can grow and understand ourself and our choices better.

Again, welcome to the forum and I really do hope you feel better soon!

[Mutt]

Hi proust1986,



I'm so sorry to hear that. These relationship break-ups are tough. I'm glad that you have found us.

It's hard when you try to say hi or friendly to an ex and she responds with avoidance and anger. I can relate. Not fun!

Has she tried to contact you? Have you run into her?

Welcome to the family  


Hang in there.

--Mutt

[jammo1989]

Welcome Procust

Go grab a a cup of tea and assess the forum there's some some great material on this site as well as great topic debates, what exactly would you like to know? Just like you I suffered the same behavior from my ex, the core focus here is accepting the fact that her values very much differ to that of your own and sadly that cant be changed, you cant feel guilty for someone else s illness, but what you can do is accept the fact that only she can help herself, by you communicating with her your basically saying "I give you permission to engage in such behavior" If your becoming her trigger back right off, show her that you have strong boundaries and like others your not the co dependent door mat that will be there for her when she needs comfort, the white knight approach will only backfire and emotionally break you in the end.       

[HappyNihilist]

 

Hello, proust, and welcome to bpdfamily! I'm glad you found us.  I personally don't know what I would have done if I hadn't found these forums after my r/s with my BPD exbf. These are not "normal" relationships and breakups, and it's so helpful to have people who understand.

I'm so sorry for the difficult, painful relationship and breakups you've gone through with your exgf. The push/pull behavior you describe is just excruciating -- it's like being kept on the precipice of intimacy, indefinitely.

I'm so glad you've found a great therapist and have been uncovering your family of origin (FOO) issues!  A good therapist is worth more than his/her weight in gold. And these relationships have so much to teach us about ourselves, if we're open to listening. It sounds like you're doing great work on yourself.

Again, welcome. 

[Matt8888]

I really feel for you man.  I just went through the same thing this past month.  Dated this woman for 5 months.  This is my second dance with a BPD'r.  Was married to one for 8 years.  So I knew really early in this latest relationship what I was dealing with.  I still thought I could "help" this person.  That is our codependent side showing through.

You thought you loved this girl... .So did I.  But after you had learned about BPD, you knew better.  Said it yourself.  It was only a matter of time before the house of cards crumbled.  It is no way to live walking on egg shells waiting for the next explosion.

I sent a thoughtful text to my ex the other day just to say sorry and if she needed any financial help, I would be there, no strings attached.  She threatened to charge me with harassment if I ever messaged her again.  Dude, we are split black right now.  Is it permanent?  Maybe.  Good chance at some point these women will contact us again.  You and I honestly want them to, but we need to be strong enough to break this unhealthy bond. 

It will be even more pain the next time.  I know it is hell thinking about the good times.  But the bad outweighed the good by far.  Good luck to you.  I know the pain you're feeling.