Do people with BPD have a sexual orientation?

[Terrychango]

My ex BPD gf was a lesbian when I got with  her (I'm a man) and still was apparently when we had been dating 3 months then she was flexible or open to other things... .She is now seeing another girl me thinks.

Do they actually have a sexuality or Do they just to take the love and suport from wherever they can get it from?

[Ghost733]

"I'd say I'm about 70% straight and 30% gay." -uBPDexgf

[HappyNihilist]

My exBPDbf was very much heterosexual. He wasn't homophobic in any way, but no interest whatsoever in men.

He didn't have very many male friends, either. He would go to bars and stuff with guys from work, but most of the people he contacted regularly were women. Men just aren't a good source of supply for him, I guess.

[PaintedBlack28]

My dxBPDxgf had the proclivity to watch lesbian porn, but she was very much hetero.

[misty_red]

I'm female and bisexual. Before my exBPDgf met me and we got together she was 100% hetero. Some weeks into the relationship she told me that it's much better with a woman only to tell me after the break up and in the devaluation phase that she prefers men because of their muscles (I think of triangulation purposes). I don't think they really have an orientation. They might tend towards the opposite sex but only because society says so and they want to seem normal. But if there is a chance to be with someone who fills their needs they'd go both ways. I don't want to generalize but I know quite a few borderline women and all (!) of them have been with at least one woman in their life so far.

[hergestridge]

On a "good" day my exwife was bisexual and into swinging. The next day she was straight and jealous.

The things is she would never acknowledge the change. When she was in one of those "states" she would claim she had been like that always. Just like she had always loved me/never loved me.

[Mr Hollande]

The typical BPD sexual orientation fluctuates between warped, artificial and disturbed.

[Mr Hollande]

I forgot to add destructive.

[jjclark]

^^ Yes.

I am yet to understand any of it.

[Hawk Ridge]

I submit this with great respect, asking for empathy, kindness, and an open minded reception.  I think pwBPD's are just like any of us... .just people.   My expwBPD is a lesbian and has been since we were kids in the 70's when people, in ignorance, treated her horribly as she hid her desires, her crushes... .herself.  We grew up together so I have witnessed it.  I know I had straight privilege as I could talk with my friends about crushes I had on boys.  She couldn't, not in that era, not in our small town and definitely not with those whose religious beliefs condemned her. This is, in part I believe, the trauma she received thar caused this horrible disease.   I was her third straight woman and it had torn me to the core to fall in love with someone who was not "in my plan" and then have her discard me in such a cruel way.  I am angry with her disease, not her.  I am picking up my life and moving on.  I ask, out of respect for the victims of the disease and those of us impacted by the pain inflicted upon us, for reconsideration of the generalizing condemning thoughts expressed above as those same characteristics provided in earlier posts exist in all forms of sexuality.  It is kind of a dangerous jump to leap to that conclusion and, as I described the childhood of my ex, it has damaging effects.  I know we are all trying to understand who we were with, why they harmed us, what we contributed, and how to avoid entering that web again so we can move on but please let's not do it at the expense of others. Let's be kind and mindful of how that can cause pain.  I really believe it was these type of generalizations that caused my ex pain in the 70's. We in 2015 now... .let us be kind.  Thank you

[hergestridge]

Hawkridge, please explain in what way anyone here had said something disrespectful or offensive. Altering or vague sexual identity is part of the disorder (disease it is not) according to the official criteria.

[jhkbuzz]

"Research also shows that those with borderline personality disorder are more likely to exhibit greater sexual preoccupation, have earlier sexual exposure, engage in casual sexual relationships, report a greater number of different sexual partners as well as promiscuity, and engage in homosexual experiences. In addition, patients with borderline personality disorder appear to be characterized by a greater number of high-risk sexual behaviors; a higher likelihood of having been coerced to have sex, experiencing date rape, or being raped by a stranger; and the contraction of more sexually transmitted diseases. Overall, the psychological themes relating to sexual behavior in borderline personality disorder appear to be characterized by impulsivity and victimization. "

[BorisAcusio]

"Research also shows that those with borderline personality disorder are more likely to exhibit greater sexual preoccupation, have earlier sexual exposure, engage in casual sexual relationships, report a greater number of different sexual partners as well as promiscuity, and engage in homosexual experiences. In addition, patients with borderline personality disorder appear to be characterized by a greater number of high-risk sexual behaviors; a higher likelihood of having been coerced to have sex, experiencing date rape, or being raped by a stranger; and the contraction of more sexually transmitted diseases. Overall, the psychological themes relating to sexual behavior in borderline personality disorder appear to be characterized by impulsivity and victimization. "

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3203737/

In this study, patients with BPD were over 75% more likely to report homosexual/bisexual orientation than comparison subjects with other personality disorders.



The study found that patients with BPD were approximately twice as likely to report having a sexual relationship with a same-sex partner as comparison subjects with other personality disorders.

Whereas earlier studies had reported rates of homosexuality/bisexuality only in the range of 1.4-16% for female subjects, this study found that 26.6% of female borderline patients reported their sexual orientation to be nonheterosexual at some point in time. Whereas two of three previous studies had reported rates of homosexuality among male borderline subjects of 48% or more, this study found only 29.8% of male borderline subjects reported a homosexual/bisexual orientation even though subjects were followed for 10 years.

I guess  the absence of an integrated identity and a stable sense of self would lead to conflict over sexual identity, alternatviely, as the study pointed out, the "choice of sexual partner may have less to do with sexual attraction than with establishing an intimate relationship that provides a sense of safety".

[Hawk Ridge]

Herg... .as I mentioned, please take my feedback in the intent it was meant, with respect... .we have all been through so much... .all I ask is for kindness and open-mindedness.   If it offends, I do apologize... .I truly do.  As I mentioned, and maybe I should have been more clear, sexual behaviors such as swinging, having differing preferences, cheating, desiring threesomes is not exclusive to BPD's.  It is exclusive to people who choose to make those choices.  As far as making a distinction between a disorder and a disease, I choose to not respond as concentrating on my error in a word choice is something my expwBPD would do if she wanted to cause me pain.  I can't go down that road again as I really don't want to be punished again for little things. I also do not choose to apologize for being human, making errors, as I found myself doing that at the end of the r/s to survive.    I am continuing to work on my recovery by being a woman of dignity, honesty, and honor so I am trying to keep myself in check by seeking truth and justice not only for myself but also for the person who harmed me, a person with a horrible mental illness.   As I said, my response was stated more out of a desire to elicit kindness and open mindedness.  I am sorry if you found it offensive. I really am... .it was not my intent.  

[ShadowIntheNight]

I submit this with great respect, asking for empathy, kindness, and an open minded reception.  I think pwBPD's are just like any of us... .just people.   My expwBPD is a lesbian and has been since we were kids in the 70's when people, in ignorance, treated her horribly as she hid her desires, her crushes... .herself.  We grew up together so I have witnessed it.  I know I had straight privilege as I could talk with my friends about crushes I had on boys.  She couldn't, not in that era, not in our small town and definitely not with those whose religious beliefs condemned her. This is, in part I believe, the trauma she received thar caused this horrible disease.   I was her third straight woman and it had torn me to the core to fall in love with someone who was not "in my plan" and then have her discard me in such a cruel way.  I am angry with her disease, not her.  I am picking up my life and moving on.  I ask, out of respect for the victims of the disease and those of us impacted by the pain inflicted upon us, for reconsideration of the generalizing condemning thoughts expressed above as those same characteristics provided in earlier posts exist in all forms of sexuality.  It is kind of a dangerous jump to leap to that conclusion and, as I described the childhood of my ex, it has damaging effects.  I know we are all trying to understand who we were with, why they harmed us, what we contributed, and how to avoid entering that web again so we can move on but please let's not do it at the expense of others. Let's be kind and mindful of how that can cause pain.  I really believe it was these type of generalizations that caused my ex pain in the 70's. We in 2015 now... .let us be kind.  Thank you

I appreciate your comments. My uBPDexgf has jumped back into a straight relationship after us being together, and she wasn't kind in the way she did it either. Prior to me, she was married for 10 yrs and has two tweeners now. When we got together she was so happy to be "saved" from that life. She has known, or rather feared, she was a lesbian since she was 15. She got married because it was "what she was supposed to do," or so she said. At 46 she has gone back into the closet because her mother controls her life and has told her that she "needs to find a man and get married" again. Her mother never "knew" we were in a relationship together, but knew we spent a lot of time together. It may be that her mother is homophobic and has suspected her daughter's sexual orientation since she was a teen, but doesn't want her to be that way. They are Hispanic and according to my ex she couldn't be the only daughter of a Hispanic family and be gay. This woman is a therapist. She counsels young adults to be who they are, and now she is trying to live a brand new lie with some guy who probably thinks he hit the jackpot with her. And no, I didn't misspell life, I meant lie. I suppose I could feel sorry for her, but it is hard to do so. Her life is and continues to be one great big lie. And now she has dragged some new unsuspecting person in just to appease her mother and so she can "fit" in. It will ultimately kill her. No one can live the stress of lying to others and lying to themselves and it ultimately not hurt them physically.

Just remember this, many gays hide from their straight boyfriends and girlfriends who they really are because of internalized shame and fear. They go into those relationships thinking it will make them feel "normal." It NEVER does.

[butterfly 27]

Hello 

When I met my gf BPD she had relationships with guys and girls but she never had an official relationship with a girl before, until this year she came out to her parents because she was afraid to reveal it to your family and only with girls felt "complete".

She came from a past with relationships that didn't work and she was confused about it. I think there is a great confusion in their minds that they cannot be who really they are... .

[jhkbuzz]

Hello  

When I met my gf BPD she had relationships with guys and girls but she never had an official relationship with a girl before, until this year she came out to her parents because she was afraid to reveal it to your family and only with girls felt "complete".

She came from a past with relationships that didn't work and she was confused about it. I think there is a great confusion in their minds that they cannot be who really they are... .

There is great confusion in their minds because they do not KNOW who they really are.  They have an underdeveloped self.

[hergestridge]

Hello  

When I met my gf BPD she had relationships with guys and girls but she never had an official relationship with a girl before, until this year she came out to her parents because she was afraid to reveal it to your family and only with girls felt "complete".

She came from a past with relationships that didn't work and she was confused about it. I think there is a great confusion in their minds that they cannot be who really they are... .

There is great confusion in their minds because they do not KNOW who they really are.  They have an underdeveloped self.

That is the key to understanding the ever shifting identities, and therefore I think a statement like "... .they're just like you and me - they're just people" is problematic. I don't change my sexual orientation and way of talking when I get a new job.

[Painterly2014]

The typical BPD sexual orientation fluctuates between warped, artificial and disturbed.

I fully agree with this.  My diagnosed BPDh cheated with both men and women, looked at every kind of porn out there , web cams, partook in swinging and who knows what else as those are the ones I caught him in and he admitted to.  He has been out of the house now for 3 months after a 25 year fake marriage (he was going to work on himself) and is now he is on dating web sites to find a 'serious relationship" (we are not divorced), has facebook friended several of his cheating partners and I would guess still hooking up (men and women) and to top it off he is on cheating web sites for married people and craigs list for casual hookups.  He has no orientation and the above quote applies.

[Wood stock]

Is it possible that often times (not all--not every) bi-sexual folks kind of haven't figured themselves out--which is the same for BPD individuals which might explain why it SEEMS to be an issue related to sexual orientation? Because I can tell you for certain that my BPD boyfriend is heterosexual without any gay phobia... .and he is textbook BPD.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I submit this with great respect, asking for empathy, kindness, and an open minded reception.  I think pwBPD's are just like any of us... .just people.   My expwBPD is a lesbian and has been since we were kids in the 70's when people, in ignorance, treated her horribly as she hid her desires, her crushes... .herself.  We grew up together so I have witnessed it.  I know I had straight privilege as I could talk with my friends about crushes I had on boys.  She couldn't, not in that era, not in our small town and definitely not with those whose religious beliefs condemned her. This is, in part I believe, the trauma she received thar caused this horrible disease.   I was her third straight woman and it had torn me to the core to fall in love with someone who was not "in my plan" and then have her discard me in such a cruel way.  I am angry with her disease, not her.  I am picking up my life and moving on.  I ask, out of respect for the victims of the disease and those of us impacted by the pain inflicted upon us, for reconsideration of the generalizing condemning thoughts expressed above as those same characteristics provided in earlier posts exist in all forms of sexuality.  It is kind of a dangerous jump to leap to that conclusion and, as I described the childhood of my ex, it has damaging effects.  I know we are all trying to understand who we were with, why they harmed us, what we contributed, and how to avoid entering that web again so we can move on but please let's not do it at the expense of others. Let's be kind and mindful of how that can cause pain.  I really believe it was these type of generalizations that caused my ex pain in the 70's. We in 2015 now... .let us be kind.  Thank you

Well said.  pwBPD are just that - people.  It is a spectrum disorder so it covers a wide range of behavior.  My dBPDexgf is 100% hetero.  She was highly sexual in the idealization phase and in the end was asexual.