Need support group suggestions please

[Angelnme]

Hi all... .First off I just want to say thank you all for being so supportive of each other. We certainly need it.

Which brings me to my question: I have been with my BPDbf for 10 years. I'm trying to find the strength and resources to leave. In the meantime, I see a therapist. I have become afflicted with a ton of lovely reside as a result of this relationship, like codependency, depression, PTSD, anxiety, and anger.

My therapist suggested going to a support group, and suggested Al-Anon, as it is family members of sick/disordered people.

When I was there I was informed that they were more geared strictly toward family members of alcoholics, and they recommended CoDA.

I found a CoDA meeting but there was not one single person there who was personally familiar with living with a pwBPD. I feel like this is what I really need: someone who can directly relate and understand... .even if it's just for us to vent on and hug each other!

So... .any suggestions on where to turn next for support? (Besides here... .this forum is wonderful and I do appreciate you all!)

[Loveofhislife]

I'm looking for groups as well--in my case, my T wants me to go to a victims of abuse group, and I'm guessing many of the abused have been in relationships with NPD and/or addictions. Please keep us posted on what you learn; as it will help us all.

[fromheeltoheal]

My first thought is you will find immediate strength once you do leave; when I left my ex it felt like 1000 pounds was lifted from my shoulders immediately and I had a full-time smile.  There was plenty of grieving, processing, healing after that, but that first month was a high.

Anyway, I'm a fan of ripping the Band-Aid off right away.  I don't know what your situation is, but I think it's best to stop the bleeding first, and trying to find strength when you're with him is the hard way.  Plus, if you do start to take your power back he will notice, and it could escalate.  Making a plan to move in with a friend or family, and sticking to it no matter what, with a plan B in place, is my vote, but that's just me.  Take care of you!

[christin5433]

Hello I think one day there needs to be some type of therapy for non BPDs.

I'd go to alanon but its kinda not for years w a disordered person. I go to AA and that helps me to stay in a spiritual frame of mind. Gives me tools to live life wo drinking and to overcome tragic life events.

I'd go to a spiritual type of group? Or maybe a group if you left this r/s a group for loss in ones life.

I think it's necessary to heal from the inside out.

[Angelnme]

Christin I totally agree! I heard in a documentary that BPD is more common now than bipolar disorder. We could call it Non-Anon !

I don't feel that church would allow me to connect with who I need to connect with, without remaining "anonymous" or being judged. And I know that when I'm finally able to leave I will be much happier... .it's just that considering my circumstances, it won't be an overnight process.

I also searched for a BPD group in my city to no avail.

I haven't tried AA... .That may have to be my next attempt.

Thank you all for your advice. If I do find something that works, I will share 

[myself]

If there aren't local groups that deal with the things we're looking to deal with, we could start groups of our own that do? Just a thought. There are obviously others out there trying to come to grips with these kinds of issues.

[Theo41]

Angelnme, Here's my history:

1.Was alone with this for years. Never heard of BPD and none of the therapists I visited suggested it.

2. I have been in AA continuously sober for decades.

3. Knowing I was dealing with mental illness I began attending weekly support meetings run by NAMI ( National Assn. for Mental Illness). Most there were dealing with mentally ill grown children. (very tragic and sad).

4. One night when I shared about my wife another attendee said " Look into BPD "

5. I did and bought the book "Stop walking on Eggshells " in this book were a series of profiling questions which led to the conclusion that my wife definitely exhibits most of the "characteristics" of BPD

6. This site, BPD Family  is the main support group i need.

7. I also go to ALANON , at the strong suggestion of a therapist, and find that most helpful. The tools we learn there such as detaching with love and setting boundries have been invaluable. ( The only requirement for membershipis that u have a friend or relative with a problem. And we all do.) Many of the men in my group have wives who have gotten sober, but they still attend meetings because they benefit from the support and tools which enable us to live live happier and more successfully. We talk about the solution but not the spouse. I have never discussed BPD in an Alanon meeting. I wish u well and hope that this has been of some help to you. Sincerely, Theo

[Infared]

AngelNme... .

Perhaps Songbook has an idea... .you metion that you live in a city... .perhaps through local social media you could start a mtg. Churches are very approachable for a mtg. spot or community centers. It may take some effort but the journey could be very healing.

I go to AA mtgs. 3 times a week.  When my BPD ran off I was going 9 times a week. I do have substance abuse issues and at the time of extreme grief I needed more support, but recovering from my relationship was so, so, so much like an addiction for me. I also went to alanon mtgs. as I exhibit addiction and codependency traits.

It was all so helpful to surviving that relationship. My mtgs. are based on 12-step program which is design for me to clearly recognize my problem, acknowledge thaT I want to get help and change, to ask a God of my own understanding to help me. I have to take an inventory and be very clear about my part in the problem current and past and then I make amends with those whom my behavhior has efffected. Once this is done... .and I have started to heal... .the real healing part comes in and that is helping others who are in pain like me.

You do not have to get too hung up on the God thing... your God can be the group... .(it's a spiritual program... NOT a religious one. HUGE difference). The main purpose is so you get out of youself and realize that you cannot heal your self by yourself and also in doing that you also realize that everything is not your fault.

The program really helped me sort out that mess of a relationship. That basic 12-step structure works very well, for in my case "surviving" a very damaging relationship.

I agree with theo about the Alanon suggestion also as I believe that most of us that have been involved with BPD's are codependents. Big time.   It's a journey just to find that out and to see it in ourselves, own it and then work on it. I had to clearly name the problem before I could fix it and the problem was not named "her".

When you go to a mtg. and simply (in your mind) substitute the person with BPD as the alcoholic it is soo similar it works quite well. Remember, you are going there to help you and if you can be open minded and overcome the semantics it could be extremely beneficial. You also have to be patient and find mtgs. That "click" for you... .they are all different.

This board is also a GREAT resource!

[jedimaster]

3. Knowing I was dealing with mental illness I began attending weekly support meetings run by NAMI ( National Assn. for Mental Illness). Most there were dealing with mentally ill grown children. (very tragic and sad).

I also tried a NAMI group for people who have family members with mental illness.  I found pretty much the same setting as you did.  Since I was also dealing with my own depression, I also tried their group for people who have mental illness themselves.

I found the second group to be more what I needed.  They have become a wonderful, accepting, close-knit second family to me.  Everyone's needs are different, but I have found it helpful to join a support group for my own issues, rather than one specific to BPD or to dealing with SO's w/mental illness.  I occasionally bring up things about my uBPDw if they are relevant, but mostly I focus on how I'm doing or feeling that week. 

I have found this to be very helpful and I find myself eagerly looking forward to the weekly session.  Even if I don't contribute much to the discussion some weeks, it is a safe, non-judgmental, comfortable place to be for a little while. 

Given the challenges of dealing with a pwBPD, I think we all need some judgment-free and criticism-free zones in our lives.  I know I do!

[Angelnme]

Thank you, everyone. I have never heard of NAMI. And I think I will try a different AlAnon group (different location/people)... .Perhaps I was put off initially by feeling ousted. By the time I have the time and energy to start a BPDnon group, I hope to be out of the situation and put my energy elsewhere . Love to you all.

[Rifka]

Hi all... .First off I just want to say thank you all for being so supportive of each other. We certainly need it.

Which brings me to my question: I have been with my BPDbf for 10 years. I'm trying to find the strength and resources to leave. In the meantime, I see a therapist. I have become afflicted with a ton of lovely reside as a result of this relationship, like codependency, depression, PTSD, anxiety, and anger.

My therapist suggested going to a support group, and suggested Al-Anon, as it is family members of sick/disordered people.

When I was there I was informed that they were more geared strictly toward family members of alcoholics, and they recommended CoDA.

I found a CoDA meeting but there was not one single person there who was personally familiar with living with a pwBPD. I feel like this is what I really need: someone who can directly relate and understand... .even if it's just for us to vent on and hug each other!

So... .any suggestions on where to turn next for support? (Besides here... .this forum is wonderful and I do appreciate you all!)

Maybe try meetup.com and look up groups dealing in emotional abuse, narsacist abuse, domestic abuse, or anything in that area, in your area. I found a support group about 45 minutes away and it's really fantastic to be in a group of people who you can cry with, talk with and discuss freely anything with everybody knowing what you are talking about. It's run by a therapist who deals mainly with narsastic relationship survivors.

Rifka

[Theo41]

Thanks Jedimaster for sharing ur experience wi NAMI. I may try ur approach too. Theo