Shared accounts/bills

[Notwendy]

Fwiw- my mom was always deciding that she had to have something and it would solve her problems or the problems between her and my dad (not considering that the problem was within her ). Naturally these solutions didn't work although they may have given a brief relief)

I remember once she came up with the idea that we had to take a family vacation as it would save their relationship . She concluded that the reason dad was tense was because of his job. This was disruptive - dad had to arrange time off. I would have to quit a summer job which I liked (I was a teen) . Of course mom won - she always got her way- either badgering dad or being sweet and seductive. They insisted I quit my job.

No it did not work. I mention this because the tendency to obsess is because of anxiety. This can not be ended by external things but is usually transferred to something else . Your wife's reasoning is that changing the finances will stop her obsession. This is looking for an external cure to what is internal.

Max you have gotten good suggestions and yet, it seems that you are going along with your wife's reasoning. What do you want to do? If you want to share money then that is your choice, but you will also have to deal with any consequences.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

OK... Max... .think about the theory here.

The only possible way this works is if the rules have her "acting" first... .and your contribution is a defined "reaction".

So... .an example would be a defined ratio.

You will double her contribution "up to" a certain amount.

So... .she puts in $100... .you put in $200.  No debate... .no drama... no questions.

No "loans" or any other things should be contemplated.  If she doesn't make a deposit... .neither do you.

How to set up the "output" side... .will be a bit more complicated.  But I would leave it in her hands to provide a written budget... .a written proposal on the rules... .  Tweak this for extreme clarity.

[Cat Familiar]

Right now you trust her to spend money wisely. Do you think that could change when you give her access to your money?

My husband was really frugal when he was working and I assumed that was how he rolled. After he retired and then inherited money, he started the proverbial "spending like a drunken sailor."

[maxsterling]

Actually, I do trust her with this, at least for now.  She has, at times, made impulse purchases.  I don't know of a single person who hasn't.  BUT - she is aware of this issue, and she is very conscious right now of that.  SO for the short term, I think this is okay. 

Again, my main worry here is that this will increase her obsession with money.  We actually had a good conversation about this last night, and I think we were on the same page about these:

- She and I both don't want a situation where one is having to question the others' spending.  This works both ways, as I also don't want her questioning my spending.

- She doesn't want to feel like she has nothing.  She wants some independence.

- we talked about eventually having a joint account and each having our own as well.   I think we were both decided that would be ideal, but for right now working out the details of how to contribute fairly to it, considering she is not working (disability money only), our contributions would be definitely disproportionate.  We would also have to work out what the joint account is to be used for.

- we have discussed in the past, and again last night that having shared credit accounts would be a bad decision from a simple credit rating standpoint, and could get in the way of future purchases.

Ultimately, the joint account with each having separate checking accounts will probably be the way to go.  Just a matter of working out details.  First, though, is deciding if this r/s is even worth it at this point.  Today I am "more white" than I was yesterday, but she is still quite angry. 

[formflier]

 

Good thinking max!

As long as... .you never save her from impulses... .  So... .if she blows the joint account and her own money.  Oh well.  It's disability... .she will get more at start of next month.

Don't worry about disproportionate... .just set a ratio and stick with it.  Her first... .not her words... .but her actions.  You actually verify money is there... .then put in the appropriate "match".

Thoughts?

[formflier]

 

Make sure there is no joint overdraft protection... .if the money is out... .a check bounces.