Myopic Guilt

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I am 6 months since break up, two months NC. I have continued to do the hard work of processing and self reflection and learning which feels right and good, though definitely painful at times. I want nothing more than to just be done with it all and stop thinking about it. However clearly I am not able to do this as I continue to think obsessively and process past conflicts and pains. From what I read I am supposed to accept this and not fight it. I don't really seen to have control of my thoughts, but I have been practicing being an observer of my thoughts. As an observer, there is an interesting masochistic pattern I have that is keeping me stuck... .I can think of hundreds of times in our marriage that I was treated disrespectfully; yelled at, lied to, put down in front of others, judged unfairly etc... .. I can also think of a few times I should have been more compassionate and patient and less selfish. When I start thinking about my mistakes it completely grabs my attention and makes me obsess about it. My heart races and I usually begin to fantasize about an apology on my part. I want to email her or talk to her... .Breaking NC to apologize for things I did wrong makes no sense when there are so many things she did wrong that I haven't heard a drop of remorse for. And now, six months out, I have to imagine there is a statue of limitations on such emotional baggage. I am certain if I reached out to her again she would respond with hate and anger and blame. So that would not feel good. Yet I am still drawn to this need for her forgiveness and approval. Clearly I am still in the fog. I have been reading a lot of psych and self help books which I feel have helped me learn important lessons about what went wrong, but I am crushed that I am not able to apply any of this knowledge and humility to my failed marriage. The myopic part of this is that I'm focused on my actions and my decisions. It makes me wonder if this is narcissistic of me? It's good to learn lessons, but how far is too far? If I'm still kicking myself a year after our separation I am going to feel pretty discouraged.

[Glutton4punishment]

So I am 6 months since break up, two months NC. I have continued to do the hard work of processing and self reflection and learning which feels right and good, though definitely painful at times. I want nothing more than to just be done with it all and stop thinking about it. However clearly I am not able to do this as I continue to think obsessively and process past conflicts and pains. From what I read I am supposed to accept this and not fight it. I don't really seen to have control of my thoughts, but I have been practicing being an observer of my thoughts. As an observer, there is an interesting masochistic pattern I have that is keeping me stuck... .I can think of hundreds of times in our marriage that I was treated disrespectfully; yelled at, lied to, put down in front of others, judged unfairly etc... .. I can also think of a few times I should have been more compassionate and patient and less selfish. When I start thinking about my mistakes it completely grabs my attention and makes me obsess about it. My heart races and I usually begin to fantasize about an apology on my part. I want to email her or talk to her... .Breaking NC to apologize for things I did wrong makes no sense when there are so many things she did wrong that I haven't heard a drop of remorse for. And now, six months out, I have to imagine there is a statue of limitations on such emotional baggage. I am certain if I reached out to her again she would respond with hate and anger and blame. So that would not feel good. Yet I am still drawn to this need for her forgiveness and approval. Clearly I am still in the fog. I have been reading a lot of psych and self help books which I feel have helped me learn important lessons about what went wrong, but I am crushed that I am not able to apply any of this knowledge and humility to my failed marriage. The myopic part of this is that I'm focused on my actions and my decisions. It makes me wonder if this is narcissistic of me? It's good to learn lessons, but how far is too far? If I'm still kicking myself a year after our separation I am going to feel pretty discouraged.

[Matt8888]

I think you have pretty good insight as to why you feel the way you do.  As codependent, we are narcissistic in our motives because we have many of the sane core wounds as our pwBPD.  We want to apologize to make us feel better.  Not them. 

They made us feel alive for a time.  But we need to come to terms with why we are attracted to an unavailable partner.  I'm not there yet but constantly trying to find answers to why we feel the way we do.

[christin5433]

I appreciate your honest evaluation of urself and where u r at in your head and heart. This whole processing is so hard core. It is a breaking of ones whole self and being compulsively driven by our wrongs our rights our past life w a BPD. I'm at home been struggling the last couple months to even get through a day wo having these thoughts and feelings following me everywhere. I too have done great research ,read , pray, I too need to forgive and accept. I want to reach out to just to say a simple , how are you? That would seem to be normal but with these disordered people who obviously damaged us to the point we can struggle to even move on no closure and just plain confused feelings of the r/s.

I get it and idk your situation ? It's funny I read your opening question and immediately identified w the emotion . So does it even matter the situation I think we all pretty much are in need of healing. I know I'm having to identify my daily or hourly feelings and do life and just keep hoping I will get to acceptance and I personally want to forgive my ex. Not to her but in me.

[Glutton4punishment]

You know I've thought a lot about this... .One of the recurring patterns we fell into is that she would feel jealous or threatened by something I said or did, and from my perspective her fear was not justified at all. I often felt like I was being "tested". The thing that I have learned since our divorce, is that she may very well have been testing me, and that really wouldn't change anything. It didn't matter how her objections and needs made me feel. What mattered is that she found the courage, or at least made the effort, to communicate her feelings to me. The problem, is that she was never able to communicate her needs in a way that was not accusatory, attacking, or blaming. I never really felt safe to accept her position, I felt like to lay down and do as she needed was to admit guilt. I let my own ego get in the way, and even though my sense of justice may have been more balanced, or accurate, or enlightened, none of that matters. What matters is that she gave me a peek inside her head, and it scared the poop out of me.

The reason I would like to apologize to her is not to make me feel better about myself. I would like her to feel better about herself because I feel like I judged her in those moments. I am afraid she will bury these feelings of hers even deeper with the next man she loves, and I think this would make matters even worse for her.

I think it is also true that I would like her to feel better about me, and maybe that's why I feel uncomfortable with these thoughts, because that seems narcissistic.

Once I start reading about narcissism, it's really easy to identify these qualities in her. It also becomes frighteningly easy to identify these qualities in myself. My therapist laughs at me whenever I tell him about what I perceive as my own narcissistic qualities. He tells me we all have narcissistic qualities. He tells me that she is simply nuts and that I need to accept this.

I have never moved on quickly after breakups. I have always had a difficult time releasing my heart. If I could pay a certain out of money right now to "get over her", it would be worth at least $10,000 to me. I am tired of thinking about her and our toxic relationship nonstop.

[Matt8888]

I totally understand the depression.  I'm nearing 8 weeks out and just when I think I've reached a milestone in my healing, I have a rough weekend like the one that just ended.  Wish I could just turn off what feelings I had for her but it's just not that simple.

The only closure we get is the disorder wins.  My goal now is to find a way to feel worthy of healthy, reciprocal love.  And not be uncomfortable with that.  Our partners are sick, but in many ways, so are we.

[christin5433]

All good stuff on this topic because its where I am. The guilt is engulfing how I know I too was mean and cold to her and she had extreme struggles in her communication w me blaming , attacking my character to make me less than, hurting my feelings, and disregarding my points as control and manipulation. U know reflecting back I never chose those words to back at her... .I just tried to state my point and I'd usually have to shut down the communication due to circular arguing which is a trait of BPD. I found myself getting confused in these conversations because shed always what I call hit below the belt or not fight fair. No grey. I'd cave in 75% of time due to kids around and the fights seemed trivial. But every once in a while shed talk about things that I felt could just be destructive because of our life together it needed structure and consistency ... It was when it was its best. But they can't be in a life where there is respect and calm. Not interpersonally. Maybe on the outside w friends they were normal but in our personal life I became the one she would recreate childhood traumas as I read in a previous post. It's all gonna get clear and I'm going to keep trying to accept its over. I do want forgiveness for myself ... I actually think I've forgiven her. I just think we are all hard on ourselves. I hope things get easier or I can just look back and be less interested in all this BPD and how it's affected me