I contacted my replacement to talk about my son

[londonD]

So my replacement by the sounds of things is a nice guy and he's really into my ex.

He has met my three year old son and stayed in the same house as him for extended stays.

The house they stayed in I own, it's my home and they have been having sex in MY bed with my son in the next room.

This really hurts!

I sent him an email asking to meet with him so we can decide how he will be positioned in my sons life. He replied and agreed to meet me for a coffee.

After a few beers on Saturday and my ex being a b___, I sent him a list of early BPD dating signs, I thought he will now have a reference, it's been raised and once the signs occur he can decide his course of action.

What do you all think of this?

[Rise]

I think that what you're going through is really painful. I think it's a difficult position to be in. I've been there myself. A couple times. I also think you need to stay out of your ex's relationship. Nothing good is going to come of it. And let's be honest, you wouldn't rightly appreciate it if she did that to you. It's a tough pill to swallow, but you don't really get a say in your ex's life any more.

[Matt8888]

I've been involved with 2 women with BPD.  The first I was married to.  I contemplated warning the new guy.  He seemed like a good guy.  Much like we were good guys.  But would you have listened?  I know I probably wouldn't have.  

The way you went about it seems respectful so he may look for the warning signs.  He's probably seen her anger and wonder where it came from.  Since you have a young child involved and they are fooling around in your house and bed, I don't blame you one bit for the route you've chosen to take.

[Mr Hollande]

I understand your desire to get even but IMO it's better to not get involved. Just sit back and watch her hang herself. You don't even need to hand anyone a rope. In the meantime do the good work on yourself and the day she's swinging you may be so far gone in your detachment that you don't even care anymore. Let her self destruction be her problem, not yours.

[londonD]

I think that what you're going through is really painful. I think it's a difficult position to be in. I've been there myself. A couple times. I also think you need to stay out of your ex's relationship. Nothing good is going to come of it. And let's be honest, you wouldn't rightly appreciate it if she did that to you. It's a tough pill to swallow, but you don't really get a say in your ex's life any more.

Agreed but I do have a say in my sons and who enters his life. She has contacted numerous love interests of mine in the past

She contacted people from my past, female friends, you name it!

[londonD]

I've been involved with 2 women with BPD.  The first I was married to.  I contemplated warning the new guy.  He seemed like a good guy.  Much like we were good guys.  But would you have listened?  I know I probably wouldn't have.  

The way you went about it seems respectful so he may look for the warning signs.  He's probably seen her anger and wonder where it came from.  Since you have a young child involved and they are fooling around in your house and bed, I don't blame you one bit for the route you've chosen to take.

Thank you for your reply. He has the 12 signs, he will see them in her, when he does he has the choice to stay or go.

He's probably already heard her rant and race about how awful a person I am and how shes a saint.

That will be one of the main red flags

[icom]

I think that your warning was timely and considerate. 

I think that all of us who have weathered the BPD storm are now under a collective ":)uty to Care" given our unique perspective. 

If I inadvertently found myself in the role as the unwitting, duped, replacement, I would have valued your input when the disorder eventually appeared.

I could have spared myself many years of horror had I been forewarned.  Many years of excoriating pain and hopelessness.

If anything, I'm more disturbed by anyone who would think that harm-reduction is "... .none of your business."

[Mutt]

I think that what you're going through is really painful. I think it's a difficult position to be in. I've been there myself. A couple times. I also think you need to stay out of your ex's relationship. Nothing good is going to come of it. And let's be honest, you wouldn't rightly appreciate it if she did that to you. It's a tough pill to swallow, but you don't really get a say in your ex's life any more.

Agreed but I do have a say in my sons and who enters his life. She has contacted numerous love interests of mine in the past

She contacted people from my past, female friends, you name it!

Hi londonD,

I like the analogy ":)uty to Care"

She has boundary impairments. She may of contacted people from your past; is this a place you must follow?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate.

I don't like the replacement either because of his drug usage. It's not to say he does it in front of my kids; it's not my lifestyle.

I can't control my exe's house, I can control my house. Sometimes she's not happy with things I do in my home, she sent an angry email because I validate the kids feelings, no joke. What's important is that dad tries to remain centered and takes care of himself - be a rock for the kids.

I think of my house as an emotional safety net for them and do the work in my home; whereas she's needy; self centered. I don't raise issues with her choices with men and behaviors. Her life choices.

[londonD]

I think that your warning was timely and considerate. 

I think that all of us who have weathered the BPD storm are now under a collective ":)uty to Care" given our unique perspective. 

If I inadvertently found myself in the role as the unwitting, duped, replacement, I would have valued your input when the disorder eventually appeared.

I could have spared myself many years of horror had I been forewarned.  Many years of excoriating pain and hopelessness.

If anything, I'm more disturbed by anyone who would think that harm-reduction is "... .none of your business."

Thanks for this. I outlined the 12 early stages of a BPD relationship. When the honeymoon period ends and the reality of a real relationship sets in, he will see her true colours.

Right now she will be telling him that the reason she's stressed, angry etc is down to me, her ex

He will soon see that her life is one huge drama, one after the other. Her constant negativity will wear him down. Her moaning about her, hair skin etc etc will mount.

Then he'll realise that the problem is not me, it's her personality

[Mutt]

Hi londonD,

If anyone tried to convince you early in your r/s ( honeymoon ) with your ex.

How would you of responded? How would another person look like to you getting in the middle?

[londonD]

Hi londonD,

If anyone tried to convince you early in your r/s ( honeymoon ) with your ex.

How would you of responded? How would another person look like to you getting in the middle?

In all honesty I knew her for two years before getting with her, not well but I'd met her once. I wasn't as fond of her, I found her very negative and also a little boring. On our first date all she was talk about her ex.

We had sex on the first date. I'm slightly narcissistic and I stayed with her because she love bombed me and IT FELT GOOD.

My heart wasn't in it, I saw it as a fling. She was pregnant three/ four months later. I was trapped. I tried to do the right thing and stay with her.

So in answer to the question, I may not have finished it with her, however once the red flags appeared, I would have read back and maybe ran before the pregnancy