Hello, back on the boards again

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi everyone   

It's been a while... .Felt it was time to come back and do some more work so hello to old and new members!

In short, I'm still with my dBPDh, we've built a house, survived 1.5 year in a tiny apartment, and moved into the house a couple of weeks ago. No the most fun 1.5 year of my life, but I' ve come out of it with a new perspective.

I'm looking forward to talking to you again!

Scarlet

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Heldfast]

My question is, how are you doing it? What is your BPD doing for themselves, what are you doing for yourself?

[Rapt Reader]

Great to see you again, Scarlet Phoenix  

Congratulations on finishing and moving into the new house  

I'm curious about your new perspectives; what have you (and your husband?) learned, and how have those things changed your relationship (hopefully for the better?)?

I'm so glad you came and gave a little update... .Now: for the "rest of the story" 

Do tell... .

[Vindi]

 :)Hi Scarlet... .welcome back, glad to see you posting... .want to talk more about your new prespective? Glad to see you posting again!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

My question is, how are you doing it? What is your BPD doing for themselves, what are you doing for yourself?

Hi Heldfast, thank you for the questions. Good questions!

In all we've lived together for 4 years, the last 1.5 building our house and temporarily living in a very small apartment. For me, going from crises and anxiety induced asthma attacks to not much affected by the rages has been a long road. I'm seeing a great psychologist who's specialized in BPD, I've come here for a while, and I've leaned on good friends in real life.

My husband started seeing a psychologist, then stopped. He wholeheartedly accepted his BPD-diagnose, then refused to ever hear about it again... .Now he's in psychoanalysis, going twice a week. He's been going for about 5 months and doesn't show signs of wanting to stop. I'm not sure it's helping much for his BPD-behaviours and thinking, but at least it's something... .He has changed some, but not fundamentally. Most of what's helped me in my life with him is the work I have done myself.

Great to see you again, Scarlet Phoenix  Welcome!

Congratulations on finishing and moving into the new house  :)oing the right thing

Hi Rapt!  Great to see you, too! Congrats on being site moderator!

:)Hi Scarlet... .welcome back, glad to see you posting... .want to talk more about your new prespective? Glad to see you posting again!

Hi Vindi!   Thanks for the welcome back!

As now for the rest of the story... . 

As I mentioned just above, I've really worked hard on myself. When I left this site about 1,5h ago (when we started building the house), I was really struggling. The stress of the house and being in such a little space was really hard. We spent the better part of a year just going from crises to crises, although I did manage to detach slowly to the point where I at least didn't have anxiety induced asthma attacks anymore during his dysregulations.

Finally one day there was just this change in me. I saw the extent of my contribution to the dynamic. It would just be so mad with him overstepping my boundaries (my problem to handle, not his!). And also being much, much too affected by his rejections, rages and stone-walling. So I took up therapy again, I really got to work on me. And all of a sudden, when he started a dysregulation and got on the "divorce horse", I would just say "ok, let's do that" and leave the room or continue doing whatever I was doing. It really doesn't affect me now anymore, other than some annoyance that we can't have a peaceful time. No fear, no need to be rescued by him.

So the new perspective for me is that I must take care of me and that I really am able to stay strong and detach in storms. It makes it much easier to reconnect afterwards, too. There is much less resentment on my part because I haven't been "mortally wounded" in the way I was before.

Also, I'm really starting to see what I want and need in a relationship and weather or not that is something I find in my relationship with my husband. It's not so much "he must change", but rather "I guess I'll might leave him, then".

[felix22]

So the new perspective for me is that I must take care of me and that I really am able to stay strong and detach in storms. It makes it much easier to reconnect afterwards, too. There is much less resentment on my part because I haven't been "mortally wounded" in the way I was before.

Also, I'm really starting to see what I want and need in a relationship and weather or not that is something I find in my relationship with my husband. It's not so much "he must change", but rather "I guess I'll might leave him, then".

I'm very slowly reaching this point as well. It seems like a double-edged sword in a way. For me, on one side, it's becoming more aware of who they truly are. And on the other side is the apathy that has arisen simultaneously. Like a t-shirt slogan I once read, beneath the image of a dead dove, it said "You've killed the part of me that cares."

[Scarlet Phoenix]

So the new perspective for me is that I must take care of me and that I really am able to stay strong and detach in storms. It makes it much easier to reconnect afterwards, too. There is much less resentment on my part because I haven't been "mortally wounded" in the way I was before.

Also, I'm really starting to see what I want and need in a relationship and weather or not that is something I find in my relationship with my husband. It's not so much "he must change", but rather "I guess I'll might leave him, then".

I'm very slowly reaching this point as well. It seems like a double-edged sword in a way. For me, on one side, it's becoming more aware of who they truly are. And on the other side is the apathy that has arisen simultaneously. Like a t-shirt slogan I once read, beneath the image of a dead dove, it said "You've killed the part of me that cares."

Floating, it IS hard, I definitely know how you feel  

It's not easy to balance radical acceptance, detachment and love, especially mixed with resentment, hurt, frustration and anxiety... .   I think we all go through these stages, hopefully with longer and longer periods of loving detachment. If we don't, I guess we end up on the leaving board. Or with a full break down... .

We talk about "detaching with love" here on the boards. It takes active work, with set backs and frustrations along the way. It has helped me to be focused on my boundaries, with the goal of protecting myself - which is wastly different from doing it in anger, as a form of punishment. Getting out of the line of fire lessens the number of wounds and so resentment goes down instead of lessening love.

Slowly does it, and a good support network (here and in real life).

[Grey Kitty]

  and welcome back

Also, I'm really starting to see what I want and need in a relationship and weather or not that is something I find in my relationship with my husband. It's not so much "he must change", but rather "I guess I'll might leave him, then".

I'm right there myself... .or I guess I should say, one step ahead of you right now. I'm not seeing enough indication that I'll get what I want and need in my marriage, so I'm nearly gone.

[felix22]

I'm right there myself... .or I guess I should say, one step ahead of you right now. I'm not seeing enough indication that I'll get what I want and need in my marriage, so I'm nearly gone.

@grey kitty-

Hi GK, I've read some of your things lately. It just occurred to me looking at your post and knowing something about you, to relate this. When I was a younger man, my wife had a 6 month open affair w/another guy. She also reduced to nothing, her physical affection towards me. I reached a point where I no longer cared. With the encouragement of a friend, I finally felt justified in leaving. That I wasn't doing anything wrong in doing so. I had already paid my dues trying to make things work. So I did.

     That's when the craziest thing happened. I met the most wonderful person. They ended up being one of, if not, the most important person I was ever with. And, it happened very soon, relatively, after ending things with my marriage partner.

     We didn't end up staying together. That's another story. It wasn't for a lack of their being a great person though. I think I was fortunate enough to meet them, just because I put myself out there, did a little looking and opened myself up to what came my way. Just thought I should share.

     Anyhow, hang in there with it all. Reading your stuff, I can't believe how lucky this woman was to have such a supportive partner. And, from the sounds of it, she really doesn't deserve you either. That's from a limited awareness, combined with an opinion.

     Take Care!

[Olinda]

So the new perspective for me is that I must take care of me and that I really am able to stay strong and detach in storms. It makes it much easier to reconnect afterwards, too. There is much less resentment on my part because I haven't been "mortally wounded" in the way I was before.

Also, I'm really starting to see what I want and need in a relationship and weather or not that is something I find in my relationship with my husband. It's not so much "he must change", but rather "I guess I'll might leave him, then".

This is where I feel I am getting to, slowly but surely, with my own therapy to work on myself, listening to my needs,and working on my boundaries.  I hope I don't feel a need to leave, but I am less attached to the idea of staying in this come hell or high water (which is not healthy).

[DreamGirl]

Just wanted to poke my head in too and say hello.