Used for sex. Is my pain justified?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was hoping that these  sad nights of desperation, where the only comfort I can possibly find is through an online forum, were far behind me.  Alas, here I find myself again. If anyone can give me some words of encouragement, please do so. I am sick of my pain being minimized and blown off as trivial.

I thought things were going well since my DBPDW left me, once again.  This time, she just left. No police, no lawsuits, no real drama. She did leave me with a car she wrecked and a stack of bills, but it was the most pleasant way I have ever been abandoned by my spouse so far.

It's been a few months and she comes by almost every day to visit our D7 and things have been cordial. She is a substitute teacher and she is obsessed with getting teaching jobs. She is always messing with her iPhone. An automated system calls her when a teaching job is available. She has a special ring tone for it. When she gets a call, she opens up an app to see what is available and sign up for teaching assignments she wants.

When she is doing something "important" like watching American Idol or taking a nap, she will just ignore the call (based on the special ring tone).

I know how extremely unhealthy my relationship is. I am codependent and can't walk away when I know I should. I am still in love and keep taking her back. Lately, she has been coming over to spend time with me. I know I shouldn't, but I give in to her sexual advances... .Quite a bit lately.

I try to convince myself that she truly lives me and it's just her disorder that gets in the way, but deep inside I often feel used.

Today she came over to visit. One thing led to another and we started having sex. During sex, I feel so close to her and all of our problems seem to disappear.

Right in the middle of sex, her cell phone rang with an automated substitute teaching notice. I didn't think much of it when she reached for her phone. I thought she was going to turn the ringer off. Instead, she picked up the phone and took the call!

I was mortified when she started pushing buttons and navigating the automated menu system. She ended the call, but didn't put down the phone. She then logged on to her iPhone app and started browsing and signing up for teaching assignments.

She did all this while physically still (technically) having sex. I was do upset, I tried to get away from her, but I couldn't because she was on top of me and paying too much attention to her phone to notice me at all.

When she was finally done playing with her phone after a few minutes, she put it down and I got out from underneath her. She was completely confused and did not understand why I was so upset. I was so disgusted with myself. I feel so cheap and used... .Yes I am a man. Am I allowed to have feelings. I excused myself to the next room and when I came out a few minutes later, she was gone.

Later, I texted her and told her that she made me feel like a $2 whore. She said "sorry, I'll put my phone on silent next time". I don't think she has a clue how low and worthless she made me feel. After being degraded by her for the past 8 years, hearing her tell people that I will never be good enough for her and that I have "no value", this is just icing on the cake.

Can anyone empathize with me here. Can anyone out there understand how bad this hurts. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't sleep... .When I try, I have nightmares about her sending people to my house to bully and harass me (like she has done in real life).

Can anyone acknowledge that my pain is real.

[Unlikelytarget]

I was hoping that these  sad nights of desperation, where the only comfort I can possibly find is through an online forum, were far behind me.  Alas, here I find myself again. If anyone can give me some words of encouragement, please do so. I am sick of my pain being minimized and blown off as trivial.

I thought things were going well since my DBPDW left me, once again.  This time, she just left. No police, no lawsuits, no real drama. She did leave me with a car she wrecked and a stack of bills, but it was the most pleasant way I have ever been abandoned by my spouse so far.

It's been a few months and she comes by almost every day to visit our D7 and things have been cordial. She is a substitute teacher and she is obsessed with getting teaching jobs. She is always messing with her iPhone. An automated system calls her when a teaching job is available. She has a special ring tone for it. When she gets a call, she opens up an app to see what is available and sign up for teaching assignments she wants.

When she is doing something "important" like watching American Idol or taking a nap, she will just ignore the call (based on the special ring tone).

I know how extremely unhealthy my relationship is. I am codependent and can't walk away when I know I should. I am still in love and keep taking her back. Lately, she has been coming over to spend time with me. I know I shouldn't, but I give in to her sexual advances... .Quite a bit lately.

I try to convince myself that she truly lives me and it's just her disorder that gets in the way, but deep inside I often feel used.

Today she came over to visit. One thing led to another and we started having sex. During sex, I feel so close to her and all of our problems seem to disappear.

Right in the middle of sex, her cell phone rang with an automated substitute teaching notice. I didn't think much of it when she reached for her phone. I thought she was going to turn the ringer off. Instead, she picked up the phone and took the call!

I was mortified when she started pushing buttons and navigating the automated menu system. She ended the call, but didn't put down the phone. She then logged on to her iPhone app and started browsing and signing up for teaching assignments.

She did all this while physically still (technically) having sex. I was do upset, I tried to get away from her, but I couldn't because she was on top of me and paying too much attention to her phone to notice me at all.

When she was finally done playing with her phone after a few minutes, she put it down and I got out from underneath her. She was completely confused and did not understand why I was so upset. I was so disgusted with myself. I feel so cheap and used... .Yes I am a man. Am I allowed to have feelings. I excused myself to the next room and when I came out a few minutes later, she was gone.

Later, I texted her and told her that she made me feel like a $2 whore. She said "sorry, I'll put my phone on silent next time". I don't think she has a clue how low and worthless she made me feel. After being degraded by her for the past 8 years, hearing her tell people that I will never be good enough for her and that I have "no value", this is just icing on the cake.

Can anyone empathize with me here. Can anyone out there understand how bad this hurts. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't sleep... .When I try, I have nightmares about her sending people to my house to bully and harass me (like she has done in real life).

Can anyone acknowledge that my pain is real.

[going places]

Yes, I know what it feels like to "feel like a piece of meat".

There were times after my exh was finished w me I would go to the bathroom and vomit.

I am so sorry. Your pain is real.

You will not begin to heal and become healthy until you completely detach from her.

I am so sorry.

[Unlikelytarget]

I have often felt this way over the years, but it is new to be complete;y disregarded during the actual sex act is something new.

Isn't it common sense NOT to play with your cell phone while having sex with your spouse?

Am I off base here?

[Gonzalo]

I was mortified when she started pushing buttons and navigating the automated menu system. She ended the call, but didn't put down the phone. She then logged on to her iPhone app and started browsing and signing up for teaching assignments.

Can anyone empathize with me here. Can anyone out there understand how bad this hurts. I am so disgusted with myself. I can't sleep... .When I try, I have nightmares about her sending people to my house to bully and harass me (like she has done in real life).

I have had similar things happen - we were going to have a big sexy scene one night, but when I came back with the toys she was texting someone and just kept at it. I let that one slide, figuring it was a one-time thing, but it happened more. When I complained that it made me feel completely unimportant, she basically told me to stop whining, and that it only happened once. It was rare that she was interested in sex when I initiated... .and when she initiated I had better be ready right then and there regardless of whether it was 2AM and I had work in the morning. I was having issues with ED, I think a lot of it was psych, and she demanded that I go to a doctor and get ED pills, and when I said I was going to talk to the doctor and look into some other things, she accused me of not caring about our relationship. When I did try them, they worked to a degree, but she just seemed happy to have a hard member in the room, and didn't care whether it was enjoyable to me. It was terrible and wracked my self-esteem, I felt like a failure as a man and only now am I really getting over those feelings.

So yes, I can understand what you're going through. And ignore the 'traditional gender rolls' crap that people spew about how men only care about physical sex and women only care about feelings. There's a mild trend for women to care more emotionally about sex, but the idea that men aren't allowed to have emotions related to sex is toxic and destructive. You are completely in the right to feel like fecal matter for being used, even if the dudebro chorus says you should be happy because, hey, you banged her. It's not your fault, but it is your legitimate hurt.

Later, I texted her and told her that she made me feel like a $2 whore. She said "sorry, I'll put my phone on silent next time". I don't think she has a clue how low and worthless she made me feel.

My ex did this with a lot of things. I don't think pwBPD understand how regular feelings work, they think 'there's a specific trigger, if I don't do the trigger then you won't be sad' and never understand all of the complexity behind emotions.

[going places]

YOU are not off base.

Cell phones are such an intrusion into every aspect of our lives.

This is an extreme.

[Michelle27]

I never had the experience of a cell phone during sex, but I have absolutely felt used by my uBPDh for sex.  It became such a problem for me that gradually over the years I put walls up because the sex act felt like I was his masturbation toy and just convenient for him because I was there.  This all because of the damage left behind from years of rages and my own hurt feelings over the things that were said and done.  I found myself faking my own responses all too often unfortunately.

This is absolutely something you can place a boundary around.  No electronics during intimacy.  For most people, that would be obvious but in my experience, people with BPD need to be told things like this.

[rj47]

I know how extremely unhealthy my relationship is. I am codependent and can't walk away when I know I should. I am still in love and keep taking her back. Lately, she has been coming over to spend time with me. I know I shouldn't, but I give in to her sexual advances... .Quite a bit lately.

Today she came over to visit. One thing led to another and we started having sex. During sex, I feel so close to her and all of our problems seem to disappear.

Later, I texted her and told her that she made me feel like a $2 whore. She said "sorry, I'll put my phone on silent next time". I don't think she has a clue how low and worthless she made me feel. After being degraded by her for the past 8 years, hearing her tell people that I will never be good enough for her and that I have "no value", this is just icing on the cake.

Of course your pain is real... .and of course you're probably co-dependent. My BPDw and I held a relationship together for decades largely on the basis of an intense sexual connection. Frankly I craved it for the simple reason that it was the only time I felt like she was happy, energized and accepting of me. She would return for a time to the woman I had fallen in love with 25-years prior. But as I got older I began to realize how pathetically tragic my relationship to her was. Is it manipulative on their part? It doesn't matter. We're the one's that fall into the same trap during that re-bonding process. But, it never changes... .right? It did for me over time. In the midst of lovemaking I began to see her no longer as someone I loved, but rather an object of temporary desire. It was wrong, but I would consciously tell myself "yeah sure, this feels great, but its nothing more than a temporary escape from the despair and chaos she's dealing". As attracted to her as I was I lost interest knowing it was empty. We are now finally working through the issues of a pending final break.

As for trivializing your hurt and the act that lead to it... .forget it. I used to think it was her selfishness that would not allow her to empathize with my hurt. Now I believe they have no capacity for rationalizing the nature of their bad behavior. You might as well be speaking Mandarin.

In my case it was a blessing and catalyst for my final emotional disconnect. Two years ago she told two people that I physically abused and raped her during a particularly awful episode while we were out of town. She continued with the lie for several days even after returning to a regulated state. It was and continues to be an absolute horror that she said such things. Her excuse? "You don't know how much you hurt me that night!" She had disappeared into a women's toilet at a nightclub for 40 minutes; returned, and saw me casually speaking to an attractive lesbian couple that was seated next to us". She was incapable of rationalizing the utter evil in her actions. I forgave her, but developed a real and lasting fear of how low she could go and became very afraid of what she was capable of. Final straw, but in hindsight... .a blessing.

I know your hurting, been there many times. Though you've split, you appear to have established a new relationship with her, but one still based on the old patterns that cause the same despair you had while together.

[Grey Kitty]

Yes your feeling of being violated or at least used is very real. And yes, it is justified. Even if it wasn't justified, it is real.

What a way to find out where you are in her priority scheme. I'm sorry, man.

[apollotech]

My BPDexgf got out of my bed one night at midnight to take a call from her exbf. She had me triangulated with him. Even though we weren't in a sexual act at the time, you can imagine what that did to me emotionally.

I have wondered if she would have taken that call if we would have been engaged in a sexual activity. My conclusion is always yes. One of my regrets about my behavior during our relationship is that on that night I didn't gather her bags and show her to the door. Never again!

[vortex of confusion]

Yep, I can completely understand how you are feeling. For a long time, I said I was nothing more than a dumpster for my husband.

I would be intimate with him because that was one of the only ways that I felt like I could get his attention. Plus, my husband is a sex addict. He would have had just as much or more fun with a blow up doll. Probably more fun with the blow up doll cause a blow up doll doesn't want anything in return.

I recently joined a 12 step program to help me get a grip on things. I got tired of being physical with my husband even though I didn't want to and knew that it would leave me feeling dirty and used.

[rj47]

I would be intimate with him because that was one of the only ways that I felt like I could get his attention. Plus, my husband is a sex addict. He would have had just as much or more fun with a blow up doll. Probably more fun with the blow up doll cause a blow up doll doesn't want anything in return.

Well put Vortex!

[felix22]

@unlikely target's post.

I haven't read everyone's replies. I have read your post.

     Her taking sub calls while having sex is ridiculous. I really don't like that sort of behavior either. Being put on hold. Being ignored by loved ones, as they navigate their devices. B.S. like that. It's as if, she feels like her sex is a commodity... .and that it can be put on the shelf, or taken off, thoughtlessly, as she pleases. I get mad just thinking about it.

     It's so difficult when you get that treatment. Because, being kind and appreciative takes effort. And, someone treating us like fools, or suckers, comes off as being 'more sophisticated'. When, in fact, they really are not. I am sure, if you were able to distance yourself from her, while still staying in touch, without sex, you would have the very gratifying experience of seeing her repeatedly pelted by what's coming around.