February 14th is coming.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Much better being single than being with someone who doesn't appreciate you 

This valentine's day I certainly won't miss:

1.  Waiting in a restaurant by myself for 40 minutes because she's at drinks with her friends, and 'just got another beer' so couldn't possibly turn up at the time we agreed

2.  Being screamed at in said restaurant over such a minor difference of opinion that I don't even remember the topic

3.  Me then crying for being screamed at in a restaurant on Valentine's Day, not the mention the embarrassment of all the restaurant patrons looking at you both

4.  Her then pretending like that didn't even happen and trying to be silly and funny afterwards. No apology of course.

5.  Me being perplexed and wondering what the heck happened and why would she do that

Nope, I am going to have an enjoyable night with some wonderful friends

[parisian]

Much better being single than being with someone who doesn't appreciate you 

This valentine's day I certainly won't miss:

1.  Waiting in a restaurant by myself for 40 minutes because she's at drinks with her friends, and 'just got another beer' so couldn't possibly turn up at the time we agreed

2.  Being screamed at in said restaurant over such a minor difference of opinion that I don't even remember the topic

3.  Me then crying for being screamed at in a restaurant on Valentine's Day, not the mention the embarrassment of all the restaurant patrons looking at you both

4.  Her then pretending like that didn't even happen and trying to be silly and funny afterwards. No apology of course.

5.  Me being perplexed and wondering what the heck happened and why would she do that

Nope, I am going to have an enjoyable night with some wonderful friends

[Ripped Heart]

Our anniversary is 13th Feb so this week is going to be very interesting.

Had friends over at the weekend and they have made a decision between them that Valentines Day is going to be spent with them this year. A couple of them are married but have plans through the day so that we can all go out together in the evening. In line with what Parisian says, it's about spending time with people who appreciate you rather than someone who doesn't.

Can't shake the feeling that BPDgf is going to have a rough week this week because the end of the week is a trigger for her.

[Deeno02]

Well, as I mentioned before, I'll be saving a bunch of money on gifts she returned for something else. Instead, I will be helping my son get ready for his Turnabout dance on the 14th! Truly spending it with the people who do indeed appreciate me, my kids!

[going places]

Being in the Hospitality industry, I have worked 99% of all Valentines Days in the last 30 years!

I have no attachment to Hallmark Holidays.

I have never been a fan of 'gifts-etc' because the 'calendar says to do it'.

Valentines Day looked like this:

Get up, get kids ready for school, drop them off. (Up at 6am)

Come home clean house, do laundry, pay bills, grocery shop, start dinner.

Pick up the kids from school.

Come home, shower and get ready for work.(4pm)

(When they were younger, drive them with me to work so ex could meet me there and take them home / when they were older, they stayed home till ex got home from work)

Work all night

Come home, clean up the dinner mess, pick up the house.

Go to the bathroom to change out of my work clothes (it's now 11pm) and give the ex what he 'expects' on Feb 14.

No exceptions.

Lay in bed from 12pm-2am staring at the ceiling because I cannot sleep.

I feel dirty, cheap and disgusting.

Yeah, you read that right.

No 'flowers, chocolates, etc'.

Oh a couple times I had some lingerie; clearly not for me as much as it was for him.

No cards, "I love you's "

No the house wasn't even picked up or dishes put away or laundry folded... .nope.

He was just chillin' in front of the TV when I got home or playing video games, or spending quality time with his picture friends on the internet.

No romance, or tenderness... .nope just grabbing and groping until the deed was done, then ear splitting snoring.

Ahhhhh the magic of Valentines Day.

[apollotech]

Yep, you're correct. Got the "Happy Valentine's Day" text today that I had anticipated was going to come. I have only been NC for about a week now. I didn't respond to the text, but this really bites the big one... .especially on Valentine's Day!

[cloudten]

Yup- first thing this morning i got "happy valentines day. i love you"

I managed to spend the whole day not responding. Then i got a bee in my bonnet and responded "the only person you love is yourself"

to which he responded "i love you"

I feel like cr*p for having responded... .breaking nearly 4 days of NC.  We were supposed to go out tonight. Instead I stayed home, painted on a canvas, had soup, watched a motorcycle race, and am now posting here... .after having emailed him.

I wish I was stronger.

[eyvindr]

cloudten,

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. It's painful, sad -- and annoying.

I see a lot of people on the boards here struggling with NC -- I have myself, so I know how it feels. This being my third and definitely final break up with my ex, here's what learned, from my experience -- it doesn't work to count NC in days. It's kind of like quitting a really bad habit, or even more like kicking an addiction. Like smoking. I used to smoke. The only way I finally really kicked the addiction was that I fully accepted that I was addicted to nicotine, and I honestly didn't want to be anymore. I didn't want to be a smoker anymore. So, I had to stop -- completely, immediately. And, in my case, I had to get some help -- for me, it as a cessation aid.

These r-ships, sadly, can be a lot like that. First, we have to fully realize that they aren't good for us. Then, we have to make up our minds that we don't want to live this way anymore. Then, we need to remove ourselves from the relationship. It all feels so damned harsh, and cold -- and we struggle with it a lot, because many of us here have a pretty good understanding of this illness, and like you we do love our partners -- so we wrestle with our consciences which keep insisting that we don't blame our partners because the illness undermines their ability to behave normally. It's incredibly difficult.

But in the end, you can't separate the person from the illness. We can understand the difference intellectually -- but the reality is that it's a package deal. If we are with this partner, we are also with their BPD (or whatever PD or mental illness they may have). And, if it's a PD, it isn't going to go away on its own. And if it doesn't go away, the relationship will always be infused with the effects of the illness.

So, to leave we have to quit. The only way to do it with someone who won't accept that they have a problem, who has no ability to understand personal boundaries, who sees their feelings as reality, who won't even accept the reality of a break-up is to go NC. NC shouldn't be measured in hours or days -- it should be a long-term strategy, if at all. Anything less is limited contact -- and that's a tough thing to manage with someone with BPD -- for all of the previously mentioned reasons.

Take care of yourself. Live the life you want. Hang in there.

[apollotech]

Yup- first thing this morning i got "happy valentines day. i love you"

I managed to spend the whole day not responding. Then i got a bee in my bonnet and responded "the only person you love is yourself"

to which he responded "i love you"

I feel like cr*p for having responded... .breaking nearly 4 days of NC.  We were supposed to go out tonight. Instead I stayed home, painted on a canvas, had soup, watched a motorcycle race, and am now posting here... .after having emailed him.

I wish I was stronger.

cloudten,

Two "I love you['s]"! You're just bragging now... . I feel jipped with my measly "Happy Valentine's Day" text.

[cloudten]

Yup- first thing this morning i got "happy valentines day. i love you"

I managed to spend the whole day not responding. Then i got a bee in my bonnet and responded "the only person you love is yourself"

to which he responded "i love you"

I feel like cr*p for having responded... .breaking nearly 4 days of NC.  We were supposed to go out tonight. Instead I stayed home, painted on a canvas, had soup, watched a motorcycle race, and am now posting here... .after having emailed him.

I wish I was stronger.

cloudten,

Two "I love you['s]"! You're just bragging now... . I feel jipped with my measly "Happy Valentine's Day" text.

HAHA - Sorry! Maybe he actually does love me- he has an awful way of showing it. But I can say I am not in love with him anymore.