fully engulfed in playing the victim

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 

  Hey everyone, it's so hard to be brief and to the point  but I'll do the best I can. Six years in a relationship, our fifth year anniversary of marriage would be in six days. Coincidentally this time last year I had also left and was gone for a month at least, leaving on the words of either you get help or I'm gone. At that point when I made the decision in a conference call with her therapist that if it was truly all my fault that I because I loved her so much I had to make a decision to leave. She brought me back in and we lasted 10 months, ending with her having me arrested for domestic violence and removed from the home. I'm not sure what to say about that whole situation other than I never hurt her, but she is playing the victim and it's been getting worse since I decided to no longer allow myself to be the victim.

So anyone who has been in love with a borderline (Queen/witch). Can just imagine all of the events that have occurred over the past years, especially considering it took three years before she even acknowledged that she was borderline, and still to this day refuses treatment. Correction she did make some progress in the past five months with some DBT therapy. However for me even though the episodes were far less occurring, at that point I needed acknowledgment of what I had gone through in the name of love. And as you may know that is something very difficult for a borderline to acknowledge anything negative about themselves.

So here we are  and of course the relationship is terminated with the exception of pending court dates and somehow separating the rest of our lives. And still I find myself ill, emptiness and butterflies in my stomach and nausea, I have to remind myself every day of being dragged in handcuffs for my home, and endure the pain of reading the notes to my therapist the notes to myself watching the videos of the episodes listening to the audio of the berating that I would endure, just to make sure that I don't let those  feelings of desire back into my life. I feel bad for my friends and the people of whom I talk about this with, not many of which are even left, because they have said years ago that they don't understand why I'm still there and have to hear me say yet again because I love her. But if I don't talk about it it tears me up inside

[kenco]

 

  Hey everyone, it's so hard to be brief and to the point  but I'll do the best I can. Six years in a relationship, our fifth year anniversary of marriage would be in six days. Coincidentally this time last year I had also left and was gone for a month at least, leaving on the words of either you get help or I'm gone. At that point when I made the decision in a conference call with her therapist that if it was truly all my fault that I because I loved her so much I had to make a decision to leave. She brought me back in and we lasted 10 months, ending with her having me arrested for domestic violence and removed from the home. I'm not sure what to say about that whole situation other than I never hurt her, but she is playing the victim and it's been getting worse since I decided to no longer allow myself to be the victim.

So anyone who has been in love with a borderline (Queen/witch). Can just imagine all of the events that have occurred over the past years, especially considering it took three years before she even acknowledged that she was borderline, and still to this day refuses treatment. Correction she did make some progress in the past five months with some DBT therapy. However for me even though the episodes were far less occurring, at that point I needed acknowledgment of what I had gone through in the name of love. And as you may know that is something very difficult for a borderline to acknowledge anything negative about themselves.

So here we are  and of course the relationship is terminated with the exception of pending court dates and somehow separating the rest of our lives. And still I find myself ill, emptiness and butterflies in my stomach and nausea, I have to remind myself every day of being dragged in handcuffs for my home, and endure the pain of reading the notes to my therapist the notes to myself watching the videos of the episodes listening to the audio of the berating that I would endure, just to make sure that I don't let those  feelings of desire back into my life. I feel bad for my friends and the people of whom I talk about this with, not many of which are even left, because they have said years ago that they don't understand why I'm still there and have to hear me say yet again because I love her. But if I don't talk about it it tears me up inside

[Glutton4punishment]

I am so sorry! My marriage only lasted 11 months, ending only 6 months ago, and I'm still very torn up about it, even though in my head I know it was the right thing to do. She cleverly cast herself as the victim and me as the bad guy, starting to build her "case" against me in only the first month of our marriage. She is anything but stupid. Me on the other hand, somewhat stupid. I kept hoping that love would prevail. Obviously it didn't, and now I'm going through the painful process of detaching. Sometimes I feel like a surfer caught in the whitewash/undertow, not knowing which way to go for air. I am not going to lie and tell you it's easy. But I can tell you that I am feeling better about myself now, 6 months post divorce, 2 months NC. I am beginning to feel like the ice is breaking up and there is healthy movement under the surface.

You seem like you've been doing what you need to get smarter about all of this. That is how I deal with my problems, I read and research (both euphemisms for obsessing)... .If you haven't already, I HIGHLY recommend the book "Attached" by Levine and Heller. It's available on Itunes as an audiobook and it really helped me see the mechanics beind what went wrong in my marriage. I am looking forward to an opportunity to apply my new knowledge to a new relationship, but I'm not there yet.

I have butterflies and panic attacks still a couple times a week. I worry about her being "my last chance at love" which is ridiculous (anxious attachment style). I also have to live with the reality that she has smeared me with her deranged narrative to everyone in her/our social circle. Oh well! I have always lived a life without enemies, been a people pleaser. I guess the time for that to end has come.

This is a good place to come, we have been through hell too. Although I'm at the point where I need to come here less because it drags me back into it. Anyways, I'm making progress. You will too.

I encourage you to take the band aid off quickly and go NC. But no one knows whats best like you do. Just be sure to take care of yourself and watch the negative thinking. Be strong!

[fromheeltoheal]

And still I find myself ill, emptiness and butterflies in my stomach and nausea, I have to remind myself every day of being dragged in handcuffs for my home, and endure the pain of reading the notes to my therapist the notes to myself watching the videos of the episodes listening to the audio of the berating that I would endure, just to make sure that I don't let those  feelings of desire back into my life.

I'm sorry you're going through that kenco, but you're in the right place, we've been there, or somewhere very similar.  What you're doing above is perfect; we have mixed feelings when these relationships end, obviously, otherwise this site wouldn't be necessary, and what you're doing is consciously shifting your focus to the bad, favoring your head over your heart, because they're conflicted but you know your head is right.  Go for you for that!  There's no other way than to sever the ties, slowly shift the focus from the past to the future and from her to you, and grieve the loss, one day at a time.  And this place is a great place to talk about it.  Take care of you!