I'm finally putting all the pieces together

[ASD]

This is my first post, and I am going into this a bit skeptical. 

In the last year or so I heard the term border line personality disorder, and started looking in to it, comparing it to other conditions.  My wife has BPD.  I have talked to a psychiatrist who sees us both separately, and I am pretty sure he agrees.  Don't put a label on her though, or you'll regret it.  I won't bore you with the examples of rage, blaming, self loathing, loathing me, verbal abuse, depression and the rest ... .you've heard it before.

My concern here, and what I need help the most with is with my kids.  We have 2 kids, 9 and 7.  In the last few days I've started to look into the effects of a BPD parent on a child, and it's scaring me.  It's really tipping the balance toward divorce but I am terrified that if I do that I'll lose the kids and they'll be stuck with her.  Then I will have failed them in my most important responsibility - to protect them.  I try my best right now, but all I do is put out fires and don't prevent them.  How do to talk to a child about why their mother blames them for ruining a vacation because they didn't smile at the right time?  How do you explain to a child that because she couldn't pose right in a photo shoot that she is evil, has ruined everything and wasted money?

I need help figuring out how to extricate us from this situation.  I also worry about what my SO will do when I leave: she can't hold a job and hates her mother.  Where will she go?  What will she do?  I have to put those thoughts to the back of my mind and focus on the kids and me. 

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 



I'm glad you found this board.  I'm glad I've came across your post.

I've got 8 kids... .and a wife that exhibits "traits" of BPD. 

I think the advice or stance you are taking to not apply labels is wise.  I try to be conscious to talk about my wife and others displaying traits.  For our purposes... diagnosis really doesn't matter.

That is something for Ps and Ts to discuss and deal with.   

OK... take a look to the right... .see the lessons... .start reading.  Reread... .post question here... we can help.  Ask questions... especially when you think the lessons apply to your specific situation.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

You mentioned a P that is seeing you both.  What is he treating each of you for?

In the short run... .I would advise staying away from books about what BPD parents can "do" to kids... .or that kind of thing.  You may be needlessly scaring yourself.

BPD is a "spectrum disorder"... .  For instance... .my wife is very high functioning.  Most people don't have a clue.  Most of the time she is great to be with.

So... I hope you will spend some time here and get educated... .get some tools to help you... .and help your wife... .

Once we get some momentum going in the right direction... .then we can figure out where she is on the spectrum... .and you can start making some better decisions about how to best care for your kids.

Please post more info about her behaviors toward you and the kids that are troubling to you.

Hang in there!

We can help.

[livednlearned]

Hi ASD,

How are you doing? It sounds like your wife might be open to discussing the possibility of having BPD traits? I saw your post and wanted to know how you and the kids are doing. I have a son and really struggled with the same dilemma. The BPD behaviors can really have an impact on the kids. I also think kids can learn a lot from having a BPD parent if the other parent has good tools and skills. We have some helpful resources on Raising Resilient Kids over on the Coparenting board. Most of the people on that board have been through a divorce, but even if you don't post over there, Lesson 5 applies to the kids regardless of your marital status. My son was really struggling and a lot of the information there helped me help him to turn things around.

If nothing else, Power of Validation -- a book about validation and parenting -- made an enormous difference in the emotional health of my son. It was immediate. A lot of the tools that can work with BPD spouses work with kids, sometimes the results are more immediate too.

LnL

[Notwendy]

I will second the power of validation. Being open and honest about my mom with BPD and validating us kids would have made a world of difference for us kids.

I commend you protecting your kids and making that your priority. However, I will urge you to also look at yourself and the factors that drew you into your relationship. It can make you a better person and a better parent. Dad told us he stayed with mom so that she would not get custody. However, once we grew up he still stayed. It was only years later that I understood his co-dependency - as it was mine too- part because he enlisted us kids to be caretakers of mom too and also in part because I had to choose between two strong role models- her or him and I chose him.

Being co-dependent created problems for me as a spouse and a parent. One needs to have healthy boundaries and not be an enabler when raising kids. Dealing with my issues resulted in being better able to cope with my mother, my H, and also a better parent.