My new T is a relational therapist so studies patterns and cycles throughout your entire life to see why events keep reoccurring and then using tools and reflection to break cycles and patterns.
I think relational therapy is fascinating, and I've been interested in finding a T who does this. My current T is great, but I would love to explore that part of my psyche more. Plus, I'm a big fan of history and studying patterns/cycle - so the overall approach and method appeals to me that way, too.
It sounds like your T is a great help and support to you. Of course, the therapist is only as effective as the patient is willing. And you're obviously committed to doing the hard work. Just look at how far you've come already.
The parent/child came from my previous T but I chose to ignore it in r/s with exBPDgf until it was too late and I was caught up in the drama. That was my fault though because it was a familiar pattern to me so it felt very normal and now that I can recognise it, I can break the pattern and ensure I don't get caught out by it again.
Oh yes... ."if it feels familiar and 'right,' run away."
I'm working on that, too.
Like you said, now you have the insight, knowledge, and tools to recognize those familiar patterns, and take a step back when you see them.
HN, it does feel like a huge burden has been lifted but it's also replaced with pain.
Oh, absolutely. It hurts like hell to know that someone we love is suffering and struggling.
My exBPDbf was building up to a dysregulation for about the last 6 months of our r/s, and then went "full blown" about 7-8 weeks before the b/u. He was cutting himself really bad, drinking like crazy, alone in a foreign country and running wild. Some girl he picked up in a bar one night stole his money and all of his electronics he was traveling with (and he is a man who loves to indulge himself with toys, so he had a small fortune's worth with him).
He got really dark for a while, and I was seriously worried about him. But, unlike your exgf,
Ripped Heart, he didn't try to reach out for my help - and that was best for both of us. He pushed me completely away, and I stayed away. (He told me later that he knew I would respect
his boundaries more than my own emotional well-being - the man knows what makes me tick, what can I say.)
He had a rough few months but has pulled himself back together pretty well. Luckily he managed to keep his job during the dysregulation; he had a great reputation there to give him some leeway. Now he's doing much better.
I guess my point is that... .pwBPD are, in many ways, survivors. I know you worry about her, I know it's painful. But she will do what it takes for herself to survive. She can't sustain her current lifestyle for long, and she will be forced to confront that and make adjustments.
My heart still wants to put out a hand and help guide her through her suffering, my head tells me it's a fruitless exercise and where my head and heart are in conflict, I now listen to my head because another pattern was that I always used to listen to my heart and got burned by it so many times regardless of who it was. That's what I need to work on is not letting my heart rule my head and I am finding it much easier.
I'm so glad.
It sounds like you've realized just how important You are, and how vital it is to take care of You.
