And suddenly there is a light switch

[MissyJ]

I have developed a "I need to study everything there is about BPD" obsession.

It's the only thing that is keeping me sane, the reality check, the reminder that I have dogged a matrix styled bullet. The past two years have been somewhat like The Matrix. My reality had been warped where upon I felt like I was walking through a maze, in the dark, bumping into a holly bush now and again, falling gently into a bed of sun flowers or peonies only to be rudely awakened by a field of stinging nettles.

The bitter pill that used to taste so sweet, the high and then the eventual comedown.

This is long... .I think I just need to write write write!

I was introduced to a girl via a friend. She lived abroad, we texted, we skyped, we met after a month. She was a texter, and boy did she text (and I respond) all day every day. She flew into my city a few times a month and we slowly, but intensely built up a relationship.  This girl was super super sensitive, very shy, funny, generous and a bit of a  people pleaser. She was not out to anyone as she lived in the Middle East. She lived a double life. She even had a girlfriend there for 6years. She lived with her and her friend was a flat mate, even the flat mate did not know they were together.

When I came along they had broken up apparently a year and a half before. Then I found out she had still been living with her till a month before we got talking. It became pretty evident that she was still heartbroken over this ex, whom she claimed was a narcissist who did nothing for her. I felt pity, felt bad for  her and became her "knight in shining armour"... .her rescuer. She actually said to me recently "you saved me". With hindsight, I now feel weird about that.

We both put a lot of effort into out long distance relationship, to see each other and make plans. I felt like I was absolutely and utterly adored, people used to comment on how she just looked at me like there was no one else in the room. (Now we have broken up they use the words "clingy,needy" and "controlling". I was hooked by the adoration.

Until those cold moments, being pushed away when trying to be intimate, blaming stress, headaches,ibs... .we may not have seen each other for a month, then we see each other and no intimacy from her. I felt rejected many times, but didn't trust my own feelings or instincts due to my own issues with trust, paranoia and probably BPD symptoms (more so in the past), struggles with emotional regulating.

Anyways, mostly things were amazing (or so I thought) but I had doubts, and doubted her feelings for me that didn't feel consistent, was either intense or distant.  We even discussed possible BPD, but sort of laughed it off, (WHY?). She dragged her heels when it came to committing, then suddenly she quit her job a few months ago and started bringing belongins over with the plan to move here, suggested getting married after 6 months (due to visa restrictions). I was scared but also excited. I was besotted by her, loved her, and thought "yay! She DOES love me as much as I love her!".

I didn't suspect little things, did suspect she wasn't always so truthful, was manipulative, secretive. She suddenly had a girl at work who accused her of leading her on, was being messaged and texted by this girl. At first she lied about it, then told me, and there was a big drama. (The other girl acted all mortified, apologetic and even bought a voucher to a posh dinner for me and my ex)... .it still all felt... .shady.

Then there was the ex... .the ex she seemed to want to punish, despite being "so over her". She was soo sweet, soo gentle, soo thoughtful and soo generous, then I would see this other side.

Just before she was due to leave her job and the county she lived in for 12 years, she went to her ex's 40th bday party. She was invited, said she wasn't going to go, (in a "cos I don't want you to be worried and upset" kinda way). She new I would be stressed as her ex had been trying to get her back, (once she heard she had moved on).  I

felt bad tho, didn't want to come a cross as controlling, so despite my anxiety I said she should go, that I was anxious about it, but didn't want to let my anxiety rule me or her! Suggested that maybe it would be nice for her to get closure (and perhaps for me to know it's really over) and leave things on a good note.

That night I didn't get one text from little miss stalker... .in about 15hours- that NEVER HAPPENED the whole time I knew her, even before we met. (We talked for hours everyday on Skype when apart also). That night I got a "I love you, goodnight". Then that weekend she was a bit distant (we all know where this is going right!)... .she was suddenly getting a visa to "maybe" go back in a few months to do maternity cover in her ex's company.

I lost the plot, we talked a and she suddenly got all "I don't know, I'm lost, I'm confused, I don't know who I am, I never got to see what is out there".  I was raging and I ended it, Right there and then. I asked if it was to do with her ex, denial denial denial.

Two weeks later, two weeks of crying, cut off, "I'm confused, I'm lost" there was a sudden "I want to be with you, I want to make it work with you". I didn't respond, then 20 minutes later "I have to tell you, but I kissed my ex at her party, and I have regretted it every minute". (QUE WORD WAR THREE).

Suddenly my whole world is shattered, my head is spinning and my heart is in palpitations. I tell her she disgusts me and it's over. She tells me it's not.( All by text.)

She tells me she would fly over right know if she thought it would help (weirdly my little heart and head is shouting "yes!  Please come here and fight for me!"... .then she texts "but it won't".

Then she disappeared. She blocked me on social media. I asked her fiend to pick up her stuff, she picked up the small expensive stuff.

Four months later I still have all her belongings, she's disappeared, like she has died. I have had to make contact to ask whether she wants her stuff back. She has managed to persuade her friend to pick stuff up when she is over here for work.

I met her friend, she says she is sick, in therapy twice a week, she's cut off the other ex and is now at home living with her mum. Breakdown. (She's has a few before)

I am here bewildered, looking for answers, looking for closure, trying to work out WHAT THE  WAS ALL THAT?

But you see she isn't your typical boarderline (not diagnosed) in my mind... .she is the "quiet boarderline". All the negativity, upset,anger is turned inwards. No sense of self, changes her identity depending on who she is with. All those times she asked my opinion on things I liked, taking them in board and trying to be someone she thought I wanted. I had to constantly be careful of what I said so as to not make her cry, or "make" her so things to make me happy. I would remind her to stop people pleasing, was so aware of her possibly doing things she may not want to do, building up resentment. I was addicted to her, the attention and adoration, but then the pulling away, hot, cold. I was anxious a lot of the time. I tried to be her fixer... .her saviour. (Not sure what it says about me! Argh!)

And then "poof"... .she's gone. It's over. No future plans (that I didn't believe would happen anyway). No texts, no lengthy chats, no interaction, no respond to my 5 page letter saying goodbye and asking for peace and closure and to talk about what happened. Nothing.

Except last week an out of the blue "I don't want you to get the wrong impression, but I think you are the most wonderful person, I miss you every day". I reply a few days later... .then nothing.

Yesterday I contacted her so I could get rid of her stuff. Lots of apologising, lots of self deprecating, and then  "thanks for giving my stuff to my friend, can you do the same next week".

She has got herself a flat and is moving on. I feel totally abandoned, dumped, stupid,used,angry and sad and and emotional bi-polar mess. (I use the term loosely).

The image I had of her, the projected image doesn't seem to exist. IT'S FREAKING ME OUT! Especially as I am so read up on PD's and thought I was BPD (my counsellor says I have too much empathy, but show signs of PTSD). I still feel like I fell for all her  hook,line and sinker... .and yet my eyes were open, I had my doubts, in instinct was right, but I still felt, and still feel seduced by her!

Feel bad for her, sorry for her, want to protect her.

I don't know who is worse, me or her! 

[Heldfast]

This is going to suck, this is really going to suck for you. And I am sorry to be the one to have to say it.

Let her go have her space. She may come back, she may not, and if she does it may not be for some time and it may not be the same. If she is BPD, which it sounds like from this narrative, she sounds like a waif type BPD, she's probably gone for a good while if not forever. For you, keep the no contact going. Do not chase any further. Use the lessons board here, lock it up, and if you need to talk to someone, find someone you trust and get talking. Get it all off your chest. If you need something more directed, get yourself a therapist and get talking to them. Find room for yourself to be with other friends, and get active in things which will help you with you.

She is recycling the ex, there is no room for you in her head or heart while she does that. She will hate you while in the hypermanic phase of that recycle and idealize him. It hurts worse than anything I ever went through (fiancee, 2 and a half year relationship left me spur of the moment to move across country and resume relationship with her ex based on nothing but a few texts). But you will get through this. You'll need time, and you'll need to get this out of your system. But do not engage her to do it. Keep the no contact going, keep getting into what makes you happy. You'll get there.