First thread posted. BPD ex.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'll start by saying hello. I have been reading posts on these boards for about a month and while they've been incredibly helpful, I am still having a hard time accepting the sudden ending (no explanation, no nothing) of a beautiful connection with a BPD person. The situation has taken place over the course of the last five and a half years and I truly believed that she was my soulmate. While I am not going to describe the ups or downs of the past five years, I would like to touch on what happened recently with hopes that sharing with people who understand the nature of BPD and how strong the relationship felt may be able to offer some advice or at least understanding.

I'll pick up where the story restarted. New Year's Eve. I was not expecting to hear from her. It was the last thing in the world that I'd expected, though I'd hoped and prayed that she would come back. I would wish on stars that she would be able to receive the treatment that she needed and that when she was able to think clearly, she would find her way back to me. As it turns out, she did. She texted me on New Year's Eve to apologize for certain things that had happened in the past. She had struggled with heroin addiction toward the end of our relationship and wanted to make amends with me because she felt that she was a different person. One thing led to another and we began texting 24/7. Then we began hanging out 24/7. The "relationship," or rather, the bond between us, had finally been what I had wanted all along. It seemed as though she had it together. She is working, sober, taking a certificate course at a college.

We had some absolutely beautiful nights together. The way that she looked in my eyes... Her father would refer to it as the way that her grandfather looked at her grandmother. I want to believe that this was the way that one looks at their soulmate, with the intensity of love. I have read that this is a trait of BPD, but I can promise you that I am the only person she has ever looked at with that type of admiration. I know that.

After a string of beautiful nights, movie dates, dinner dates, coffee dates, just driving around, intimacy, one day, she became distant. She did not explain what happened, but reassured me that it had nothing to do with me. She had told me that she had attempted to kill herself the night before. I became emotional. (I should mention that this conversation was through text messaging.) She took and cropped a screenshot of me apologizing for my emotional reaction to her suicide threat and offering to bring me coffee and then she accidentally sent the screenshot to me. She said "I'm sorry. I don't know why that happened," but iPhones do not take and especially do not crop screenshots to only show one side of the conversation on their own.

She has not spoken to me since then. The silent treatment. Absolute silence. All of my efforts to reach out have gone unnoticed. I have looked at her social media and it she is going on like nothing happened. (And with someone else.) It has only been 3 weeks. We had been on/off for almost 6 years. Some things on social media seem like they may be her missing me, but... I know I shouldn't feel so hopeful. I know I shouldn't assume because she is now seeing someone else.

I know that you all understand why I am struggling with this so much. It has been 3 weeks, but it feels like it ended yesterday. I want so badly to speak to her, even though she has hurt me on such a large scale at this point.

Though I've used a lot of words, this is just the jist of it. I honestly love her so much. I miss her. I think about her all day long. I can't stop thinking about it. I've had to had my friend change my social media passwords, so I can't access what she's posting. It is hard.

Part of me wants to see that she's moving on with someone else right away. Part of me wants to see that she appears to be moving on with life, so I can do the same. I'm trying. I'm back in the gym. I'm reading. I'm spending time on other hobbies, but after 3 weeks of truly trying, all I want to do is cry sometimes. It is all I do sometimes. It is hard to get out of bed. I feel like I'd trade these feelings for even the bad times, but... I know I need to move on. (But I just want her to reach out and speak to me.)

Anyway, thank you for reading. I know this may have been a poorly written post which is lacking information in certain areas, but I just wanted to write something quickly before I leave for work. I hope you are all having a lovely day.

[back22thefuture]

I'll start by saying hello. I have been reading posts on these boards for about a month and while they've been incredibly helpful, I am still having a hard time accepting the sudden ending (no explanation, no nothing) of a beautiful connection with a BPD person. The situation has taken place over the course of the last five and a half years and I truly believed that she was my soulmate. While I am not going to describe the ups or downs of the past five years, I would like to touch on what happened recently with hopes that sharing with people who understand the nature of BPD and how strong the relationship felt may be able to offer some advice or at least understanding.

I'll pick up where the story restarted. New Year's Eve. I was not expecting to hear from her. It was the last thing in the world that I'd expected, though I'd hoped and prayed that she would come back. I would wish on stars that she would be able to receive the treatment that she needed and that when she was able to think clearly, she would find her way back to me. As it turns out, she did. She texted me on New Year's Eve to apologize for certain things that had happened in the past. She had struggled with heroin addiction toward the end of our relationship and wanted to make amends with me because she felt that she was a different person. One thing led to another and we began texting 24/7. Then we began hanging out 24/7. The "relationship," or rather, the bond between us, had finally been what I had wanted all along. It seemed as though she had it together. She is working, sober, taking a certificate course at a college.

We had some absolutely beautiful nights together. The way that she looked in my eyes... Her father would refer to it as the way that her grandfather looked at her grandmother. I want to believe that this was the way that one looks at their soulmate, with the intensity of love. I have read that this is a trait of BPD, but I can promise you that I am the only person she has ever looked at with that type of admiration. I know that.

After a string of beautiful nights, movie dates, dinner dates, coffee dates, just driving around, intimacy, one day, she became distant. She did not explain what happened, but reassured me that it had nothing to do with me. She had told me that she had attempted to kill herself the night before. I became emotional. (I should mention that this conversation was through text messaging.) She took and cropped a screenshot of me apologizing for my emotional reaction to her suicide threat and offering to bring me coffee and then she accidentally sent the screenshot to me. She said "I'm sorry. I don't know why that happened," but iPhones do not take and especially do not crop screenshots to only show one side of the conversation on their own.

She has not spoken to me since then. The silent treatment. Absolute silence. All of my efforts to reach out have gone unnoticed. I have looked at her social media and it she is going on like nothing happened. (And with someone else.) It has only been 3 weeks. We had been on/off for almost 6 years. Some things on social media seem like they may be her missing me, but... I know I shouldn't feel so hopeful. I know I shouldn't assume because she is now seeing someone else.

I know that you all understand why I am struggling with this so much. It has been 3 weeks, but it feels like it ended yesterday. I want so badly to speak to her, even though she has hurt me on such a large scale at this point.

Though I've used a lot of words, this is just the jist of it. I honestly love her so much. I miss her. I think about her all day long. I can't stop thinking about it. I've had to had my friend change my social media passwords, so I can't access what she's posting. It is hard.

Part of me wants to see that she's moving on with someone else right away. Part of me wants to see that she appears to be moving on with life, so I can do the same. I'm trying. I'm back in the gym. I'm reading. I'm spending time on other hobbies, but after 3 weeks of truly trying, all I want to do is cry sometimes. It is all I do sometimes. It is hard to get out of bed. I feel like I'd trade these feelings for even the bad times, but... I know I need to move on. (But I just want her to reach out and speak to me.)

Anyway, thank you for reading. I know this may have been a poorly written post which is lacking information in certain areas, but I just wanted to write something quickly before I leave for work. I hope you are all having a lovely day.

[Tim300]

Welcome.  We can relate here.  Hang in there.  It will get better.  I am about 5 months out now.  I am definitely not fully over it, and in some ways never will be.  But things have gotten better, little by little.  It has certainly helped me to get my head around the concept of BPD.  At what point did you discover the concept of BPD?

[Conundrum]

I'm sorry that you're suffering. I know that it hurts.

Though a question to ask yourself--whether the perceived cause of your suffering (this girl/woman) is also the tonic to that suffering--or does the tonic lie somewhere else? That is a core question when navigating through relational pain. Because you do seem to be portraying it as if only she would return then the pain would cease. Would it? There are palliatives that temporarily numb our troubles, such as narcotics and then there are holistic solutions.

Reading btwn the lines, I'll venture that over the years there was a good deal of push pull. That often turns into embedded relational dynamics in which controlling mechanisms (fear of abandonment) become substitutes for functional emotional intimacy. That addictive intensity becomes characteristic of the de facto status quo--as the persecution complex/rescuing cycle is the sine qua non of the relationship. Misapprehending that dynamic while perceiving it to be one's transcendent "soul" connection inevitably results in suffering.     

Whether you're ok with an unstable relationship in perpetuity--with all the relational disorder that follows--then that is a personal choice.

Whether you aspire towards relational stability, then that is a personal choice.

Neither one will eliminate suffering until the individual no longer desires to be excessively dependent upon an attachment.

           

I hope that over time your suffering recedes, and that you are patient and kind to yourself, for all things change.