Newbie

[dgabriel1962]

My son is 31 and we just recognized that he has many traits of BPD. I am just learning how to communicate effectively with him although I feel as though it may be too late. I can't seem to say the right things and I fear I am causing more anxiety than support. He is extremely intelligent and senses manipulation in what I say or do. He blames himself when things in my life are not going smoothly. Where do I begin?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello dgabriel1962,



We are happy to have you here with us.  Sorry to learn that your son is struggling with traits of BPD.  Has your son ever been in therapy?

You are correct that pwBPD (people with BPD) are highly intuitive, they are emotionally driven individuals and have a keen sense of emotional observation in others... .they can usually read the slightest facial expression and even observe your breathing to know what we are trying to hide. 

What do you mean exactly by "he blames himself when things in my life are not going smoothly"? Can you explain a bit more?

The good news is that it is never too late to work on self and self is where you have power.  If your son is sensing manipulation in your words he is picking up on your hidden agenda.  For example if you use validating statements that are insincere because your primary goal is to calm him down he will sense that and see it as manipulation.  If you use validating statements in order for him feel heard and understood then he will sense that and not see it as manipulative.

These may seem like minor differences, they are not. 

So I would begin with the Tools on the right side of the page... .Listen with Empathy and Validate the Valid.  There are some good workshops there for you to participate in as well.



lbjnltx

[livednlearned]

Hi dgabriel1962,

Welcome to the site. It sounds like your son recognizes that he might be BPD, that the two of you have had conversations about a possible fit with the criteria? If so, that is a big deal. Even people who are not BPD have a hard time being accountable for their behavior.

It takes time to change our reactions to emotions. I believe wholeheartedly that 31 is not too late to change. I felt that my son, who is 13 and has a BPD father, missed the window because I didn't understand how to communicate properly with him during his formative years between 0-6. He has come such a long way, and maybe even more importantly, so have I.

It took me a long time to recognize how defensive I could be with my son. Being genuine and authentic, whether validating him or expressing my own feelings, and doing in a way that was responding, not reacting -- that is a work in progress and I'm getting better at it. Having my own T has helped immensely. Sometimes after difficult interactions with my son, I'll write things down and then take it in to talk to my T. She always notices these moments in the conversation when I veered off and became focused on defending myself, often at his expense.

S13 is not BPD, although honestly, he has so many other things happening above and beyond normal adolescence I'm not sure where this is going. He has been dx'd ODD, ADHD, and now depression/anxiety. His father is BPD and bipolar so I sometimes feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What I've had to realize is that my own anxiety about the future affects my relationship with S13. He is going to have a much better chance if I believe he can grow, and throw myself into this work as though I believe we're capable of changing the dynamic. That's a challenging thing to do when he gives me the silent treatment like his dad did, or when he feels devastated because I had a tired, irritated tone in my voice.

This is a really good site with supportive people who understand and care. I'm glad you posted. 

LnL