Helping my daughter

[Hapuku]

My 25 year old daughter lives in another country and for the last three years has been in a stable loving relationship with the best man you could imagine for her. They appeared devoted and happy. Six months ago she suddenly ended the relationship and my wife and I struggled to understand what happened. Questioning her reason for dropping the man resulted in a violently abusive phone call to my wife and attempts to re-establish a good relationship between them both (on Skype, as we do) have failed. The impact on my wife has been severe as she has borne the brunt of outbursts from the daughter from a very young age. My wife is now having medical support for her grief at the broken relationship, and our doctor has suggested that our daughter has BPD in a mild form.

We have visited many websites giving information and had feedback from a psychologist that seem to fit the gps advice. Daughter easily becomes very angry and upset and can lashes out verbally, especially at my wife. She has a very tender self image, taking generalised comments as personal, she seems not to understand the devastation her attacks cause on her mother.

I have a fairly good relationship with our daughter and can manage to defuse her when she attacks me and only once has she delivered a fully explosive out of control rant in my direction, some years ago now. I am working on trying to help her be more openly self aware about her anger. She now acknowledges that her former partner managed her so her outbursts did not hurt others.

She is an independent professional working with her own practice in a foreign city providing speech language therapy specialising in helping autistic children. She has achieved this remarkably well. She is also interested in many things, especially caring for her own health through healthy eating and fitness. Most of the time, and to other people, she is a wonderful person.

My wife is now unable to face our daughter as if she does, any signs of frustration and anger from the daughter reduce my wife to a sad and defensive wreck as she remembers the abuse that has been directed at her. She feels empty and grieving.

My intention is to build the relationship with our daughter in the hope that eventually she will develop enough self awareness to want to accept professional support, as your website suggest that there is hope.

The wonderful man she dumped is devastated and still in love with her, and we stay cautiously in touch as with his mother and her partner who we are very fond of.

They all live half a world away from where we are.

Any tips on how this dad can help his daughter are very welcome. My wife found this website and from what I have read it seems very authentic and helpful. I am a retired professional.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[formflier]

 




Hapuku,

I am so glad you have found us... .we have helped many people in just your situation.



Please look to the right of your screen... .do you see the lessons?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211514.0

Above is a link as well.

That is a great place to start.

Please post your impressions of what you have read in the lessons... .your questions... .

We can help you refine your goals.

Things can get better... .but it will take some work.  You can do this!  Many others have... .and are standing by to help you.

 

FF

[lbjnltx]

Hello Hapuku

So glad that you are here and finding hope in what you read.  I am so very sorry that your daughter, her boyfriend and your wife are suffering so much.  This can be a very confusing and devastating illness.  I'm sure you are hurting too!

Distance need not be a problem... .sometimes it is a blessing as it provides a buffer of time and space to learn the best communication skills to preserve, mend and even resurrect relationships. 

Has your daughter cut off communication completely with her ex boyfriend?  It seems from what you wrote that he has some very high level skills already in his pocket to help your daughter.

As Formflier mentioned, the tools and lessons to the right of the screen... .you may need to scrollup at this point to see them... .are a great starting point. 

Your wife can benefit from seeking therapy to deal with her grief... .particularly a grief counselor if she cannot find a therapist that will address her grieving as well as learning to cope with your daughter's illness.

Just a bit about my situation:  my daughter was diagnosed odd, mdd, emerging BPD w/psychotic features at ages 12-13.  After outpatient and inpatient care she is now 18 and no longer meets the criteria for odd, mdd, BPD and no psychotic features.  It is thanks to the information and support I received on this site that gave me the peace, courage, skills and determination to walk beside her and see her through to recovery. 

As long as there is breathe there is hope!



lbj