Is this worth my life & sanity?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all! I'm not sure where to start my Alice & Wonderland adventure into BPD   A bit about myself I have epilepsy (Tonic–clonic seizures formally known as grand mal seizures) that is not under control. I've tried all sorts of medication for epilepsy with no positive results horrible side effects being the only real outcome. So why am I yapping about epilepsy on a message board for loved ones with BPD? My epilepsy is very sensitive to stress. I've made great strides in learning ways to help control my stress level & learned many different tools. In my past I have been in verbally abusive relationships, I have been raped by one ex & was abused sexually, mentally & physically as a child by my step dad. I chose to be single for several years to work on myself.

I'm engaged now to someone who has BPD, adhd and ocd. Still in process of an "official" diagnoses for any other medical issues. He is on no medication for any of these things. I found a psychologist who is close enough to our home that it will be much easier for me to get to therapy. I can't drive due to the epilepsy so driving 60 miles to my former mental health professionals is just not possible. I told him about this new psychologist & showed him her qualifications. He instantly went into a rage despite me making it clear I was doing this for MY mental health. After all the hellfire of rage calmed after several hours he tells me he wants to go to her himself & for couples counseling. I've heard this before, if he goes great hopefully he can have a better understanding of his feelings & get help although I'm not gullible in believing his words, promises, etc on the matter of him going for help alone or as a couple. I know from to many experiences in my life to hold the false belief that I can force him or anyone to change.

I am in my early thirties, neither of us has children. I always planned to adopt (which I make absolutely clear early in all romantic relationships) I have many reasons for my always wanting to adopt one of which being since my epilepsy began having a child for the type of uncontrolled seizures pregnancy would not only be extremely risky for the child & myself also I know there is no way he could cope with the kind of stress me being pregnant. His wanting me to carry his child seems to be more about having more "ownership", a stronger tye to him, less likely I'll get tired of his "messes", his lack of _____ fill in the blank   

The black & white thinking is just extreme, out of the many calls he makes to me everyday. If I don't answer the first time then I'm must be up to no good, being a "stupid, lazy, useless, f---ing B----! No wonder wonder, I see how you can drive someone to just bash you f---ing face in!" He jumps from one angry thing to another continually. I know this is the nature of many people with BPD. These are things I've heard in my past abusive relationship it's so hard to tune those things out all the time.

What is really putting a nail in the coffin of this relationship is the fact he is at times violent when raging. Whoever gets in his way that is a loved one is a fair target for his verbal assaults his mother, siblings, my mom (still really tries to hide it from her), etc. When it comes to Physical assault that's only behind closed doors targets are still whoever he can go after, beings that love him me being a target, 2 beautiful dogs & 2 cats. We won't tell (well sometimes Im accused of gossiping with my mom, I've lost all but one friend, but he wants to meet her "to see if she can be trusted if I have a seizure or make sure she's not a party whore"his paranoia knows now bounds!) the animals can't tell anyone he has tried to kick them, etc. He threatens to hang one of the cats! He has never benn able to get to them btw. I love animals of every kind & be fore the epilepsy I was a professional pet stylists & ran a rescue for exotic pets, snakes, birds, ferrets, spiders  so beating an animal is not on my list of allowance. Figures he's been physical with me though. He threatens it a lot. <---still thinks he would be a great dad according to his thoughts on the matter 

All this stress is making my seizures more frequent, now up to several time a week.  Beyond the mental tole all this takes. I just don't know I'll see if he follows suite with the new psychologist I found for myself. This is more than just a mental assault on me but a physical one not so much with the physical abuse, not yet. I know how this works as far as abusive just excilates so at this point if he can't/won't get help I can't keep this up. There's really the physical assault of all the stress this is creating.

Any advice on personal coping experiences. Any advice in general. I haven't been able to share many of these things so it's just so much.

Thank you,

Fairy

[Fairy17]

Hello all! I'm not sure where to start my Alice & Wonderland adventure into BPD   A bit about myself I have epilepsy (Tonic–clonic seizures formally known as grand mal seizures) that is not under control. I've tried all sorts of medication for epilepsy with no positive results horrible side effects being the only real outcome. So why am I yapping about epilepsy on a message board for loved ones with BPD? My epilepsy is very sensitive to stress. I've made great strides in learning ways to help control my stress level & learned many different tools. In my past I have been in verbally abusive relationships, I have been raped by one ex & was abused sexually, mentally & physically as a child by my step dad. I chose to be single for several years to work on myself.

I'm engaged now to someone who has BPD, adhd and ocd. Still in process of an "official" diagnoses for any other medical issues. He is on no medication for any of these things. I found a psychologist who is close enough to our home that it will be much easier for me to get to therapy. I can't drive due to the epilepsy so driving 60 miles to my former mental health professionals is just not possible. I told him about this new psychologist & showed him her qualifications. He instantly went into a rage despite me making it clear I was doing this for MY mental health. After all the hellfire of rage calmed after several hours he tells me he wants to go to her himself & for couples counseling. I've heard this before, if he goes great hopefully he can have a better understanding of his feelings & get help although I'm not gullible in believing his words, promises, etc on the matter of him going for help alone or as a couple. I know from to many experiences in my life to hold the false belief that I can force him or anyone to change.

I am in my early thirties, neither of us has children. I always planned to adopt (which I make absolutely clear early in all romantic relationships) I have many reasons for my always wanting to adopt one of which being since my epilepsy began having a child for the type of uncontrolled seizures pregnancy would not only be extremely risky for the child & myself also I know there is no way he could cope with the kind of stress me being pregnant. His wanting me to carry his child seems to be more about having more "ownership", a stronger tye to him, less likely I'll get tired of his "messes", his lack of _____ fill in the blank   

The black & white thinking is just extreme, out of the many calls he makes to me everyday. If I don't answer the first time then I'm must be up to no good, being a "stupid, lazy, useless, f---ing B----! No wonder wonder, I see how you can drive someone to just bash you f---ing face in!" He jumps from one angry thing to another continually. I know this is the nature of many people with BPD. These are things I've heard in my past abusive relationship it's so hard to tune those things out all the time.

What is really putting a nail in the coffin of this relationship is the fact he is at times violent when raging. Whoever gets in his way that is a loved one is a fair target for his verbal assaults his mother, siblings, my mom (still really tries to hide it from her), etc. When it comes to Physical assault that's only behind closed doors targets are still whoever he can go after, beings that love him me being a target, 2 beautiful dogs & 2 cats. We won't tell (well sometimes Im accused of gossiping with my mom, I've lost all but one friend, but he wants to meet her "to see if she can be trusted if I have a seizure or make sure she's not a party whore"his paranoia knows now bounds!) the animals can't tell anyone he has tried to kick them, etc. He threatens to hang one of the cats! He has never benn able to get to them btw. I love animals of every kind & be fore the epilepsy I was a professional pet stylists & ran a rescue for exotic pets, snakes, birds, ferrets, spiders  so beating an animal is not on my list of allowance. Figures he's been physical with me though. He threatens it a lot. <---still thinks he would be a great dad according to his thoughts on the matter 

All this stress is making my seizures more frequent, now up to several time a week.  Beyond the mental tole all this takes. I just don't know I'll see if he follows suite with the new psychologist I found for myself. This is more than just a mental assault on me but a physical one not so much with the physical abuse, not yet. I know how this works as far as abusive just excilates so at this point if he can't/won't get help I can't keep this up. There's really the physical assault of all the stress this is creating.

Any advice on personal coping experiences. Any advice in general. I haven't been able to share many of these things so it's just so much.

Thank you,

Fairy

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Fairy, To answer the question you posed, of course it's not worth it, yet that doesn't stop a lot of us Nons from going to great lengths to make a BPD r/s work.  I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering epileptic seizures from all the stress.  Presumably that is a Red Flag    for you.  If not, what are you waiting for to realize that you are in an unhealthy situation, which I think you already know.  It's hard, I understand, to make changes, yet I suggest that you focus on yourself and pay attention to your needs.  LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

Fairy17:

It sounds like you know what matter most to your health and your happiness. In fact we all know about these but the big difference is that those who suffer are those who LET THINGS HAPPEN TO THEM, INSTEAD OF TAKING THE ACTIVE ROUTE OF CONTROL OUR DESTINY.

For example, we all those that obesity leads to many health issues and shortened life span, but those who live long are those who can tackle their own inactivity and over indulging with foods.

So what kinds of actions do you think you must take to attain your physical health and your happiness ?

[eyvindr]

Hi Fairy17,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. Your BF sounds very troubled. I don't know you at all, but if I were your friend and you shared this with me, I'd strongly encourage you to leave him, for good. You have had enough troubles in your life -- you're only 30, and have much more living to do. You deserve to be happy. Being with an abusive, mentally ill partner will not lead you down a road of happiness.

In addition, you've shared that he is violent. Domestic abuse is real, and is also a crime. Do you live with your BF? If not, as I said above, I'd encourage you to end this r-ship. If he resists, you are entitled to take legal action to protect yourself. I realize that's something you probably don't want to do -- most of would prefer to just sit down with the pwBPD in our lives and have a reasonable, rational, mutually supportive, open discussion, but that just can't happen because, you know, BPD. I had to have a policeman contact my ex -- who as far as I've been able to determine is a high-functioning uBPD -- to tell her to stop abusing me, under the guise of "trying to get in touch with me" because, according to her, I was giving her the "silent treatment." The lack of self-awareness they display, coupled with the extent that the project their own issues and behaviors on everyone who cares about them -- well, it's nothing short of stunning.

So, your guy's been Dx'd, he's violent, controlling, irrational, abusive and volatile -- if we knew each other and we were friends, I'd tell you to start NOW planning an exit strategy. You should get away from this person and get on with your life. Good luck.

[Fairy17]

Thank SO much for all your replies.  

My house is in my name but unfortunately I didn't see the fast-forward his emotions are in until he moved in with me. He was able to hide what I usually see of  for a surprisingly long time. He is not high functioning I of course in hindsight just plant my face into my palm for missing all the things I over looked. I know the possibility of him just accepting this is toxic & he should leave won't happen.

He threatens to leave constantly. He still hasn't got it through his head that when it comes to a relationship I can't nor won't stop a grown adult from leaving if that's what there chose is. Cutting a clean tie won't happen here. He's made comments before(while he was calm not an irrational rage) that he would kill himself if he couldn't be with me. His mother & a few other of his family members have told me the same when he wasn't around. I really have no doubt that he will try to when the wall comes tumbling down. Nothing I can really do when it comes to what could be the outcome of someone's own mental state. I also know there is a high chance I will have to involve the law. I'm going to try & wait until he has seen his new t & hopefully get him on some meds. My thoughts being that's my best chance as far as my safety goes to end this relationship. I spend most of my time at my home so I'm not hard to find. My mom or someone can stay with me for awhile after he's out. I am aware that when it comes to leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time. 

Is there anything else I should plan for? Or prepare for?

Thanks again for all the advice. I really appreciate your thoughts about it. 

[JohnLove]

Hello Fairy17. I read your post. Several times. I am sorry to hear what you have had to endure in your short life. It can make you stronger if you allow it. It can also set you up for a relationship with a disordered person such as one suffering BPD.  :'(

You seem fairly self aware. I would encourage you to read the tools on here and especially HOW A BPD RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES. Knowledge is power. Do you feel the engagement is a good idea? Whose idea was it?. It involves the consent of both parties to engage. It only takes one to break off the engagement.  

Do you think bringing a child into this relationship would be healthy for the child?. This relationship does not really seem to be meeting your needs. When he threatens to leave. Let him. If he threatens suicide contact his family and call him an ambulance if you think he might be serious. His personal choices are not under your control and when someone even considers or takes this "option" it can never be YOUR fault.

I have been Vegan for a very long time and animal welfare is high on my list of values. Bringing harm to an animal is very concerning. It often escalates to humans as you have directly experienced. I am alarmed when someone is prepared to take an animals life. My understanding is people who commit murder undertake this action as prior learning.

By your own admission there is so much abuse, psychological, emotional, and physical that my advice to you would be to distance yourself from this person at least to give the new therapy and medication a chance to work and then reassess the relationship from there.  

Cutting a clean tie won't happen here?... .Fairy... .it certainly won't if you have discounted it from your range of options to take. You can control his behaviour but you can certainly control yours. The police can be of great assistance here. Your home is YOUR HOME.

20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing. You know what you need to do in your situation. Actually doing it can be SO much harder.

Know you have the support of people here. Know we support you no matter what choice you make. Stay safe. I wish you well.  

[Fairy17]

Thank you for your lovely reply, knowledge,experances & advice to all of you. 

I've been to a lot of therapy, self-help, information, eventually meds since I disclosed to my mother of the sexual abuse by my stepdad when I was 11/12. She didn't sweep it under the rug, encouraged me to share my feelings & was (still is) there for me. I know I was very fortunate to start therapy so soon after I told her rather then her pretending nothing happened & we had the "perfect" family. 

I am very aware of my own medical issues & that includes my mental health. I know I can encourage change & be positive about a person doing so but I have no control in them doing so. There feelings are there's, it's their chose to change themselves, their choses are theirs.

I never try to stop him from leaving when he's threatening to do so. He's an adult he's free to leave is how I feel about that threat from anyone. He never does leave, the furthest he got was a couple of times throwing some clothes in a trash bag, calling his mom asking if he can come stay the night. This still gets no rise from me so he goes on to some new random topic of rage about my "faults" & the always said to the point of cliché "me making him do act/feel this way".  No, my dear, those are your feelings and actions not mine!

It's like dealing with a child, if it is logical & makes perfect sense then in his mind it very rarely translates that way to him. I have no intentions of getting pregnant for the reasons I've said above. His thoughts on the same thing have now turned into I need to get pregnant. Nope no way I would consider having you father any child. I'm not going to bring a life into this relationship (through pregnancy or adoption)with this kind of madness.

Marriage was his idea, since he purposed he's got much worse. So needless to say no date is set. He tries to introduce me as his wife to random people at random times (strange walking down the aisle or going to the court house has completely left MY memory   ) . I've made it clear that unless I see true change & dedication to it this will go no further. He does know this & knows it's not empty words nor even a threat simply the truth.

The animal hate that randomly happens is not something I take lightly. If he so much as touches one in a manner other than a threat. The cops will be called, then I'll call his mom tell her the cops are on there way to pick up her son so if she gets him out of my house or the cops do he's leaving. Yes I know I should have the same respect for myself. As it stands if this relationship is going to continues as is I won't be in it. His mothers advice about the cats, his mane "suspects" in whatever, was the issue would calm down if I found the cats a home or forced them outside. My response was simple he will leave before any of my animals!    this response was to her asking me if he had ever been physical with me. I told her of the at the time very resent event of him pushing me over the couch choking me him letting go because I got my foot on his chest kicking him off me. I simply step in front of him & the animal no yelling on my part. She is still convinced the only issue he has is anger management problem.

I've read everthing I can get access to. From understanding BPD to helping the relationship to the safest way for me to be safe if I kick him out & end this. 

Thank you,

Fairy