Checking in... and how to get validation

[Chosen]

Hi bpdfamily,

Haven't been around for a long time, things have been up and down but never as bad as before... .uBPDh and I do have our fair share of arguments and disagreements but at least we eventually calm down now (I'm better at stopping before it gets to the point of no return; even after he lashes out he is able to stop now without further going down that spiral).

One thing that's always prevalent in our marriage, though, is that he constantly expresses that I'm an unfit wife, even though he has very little expectations of me, that I always let him down, never supports him, always having a temper, etc. etc.  On good days it dampens my mood; on bad days it makes me feel like a total failure.

To be honest most of the time I feel like a failure as a wife, and that sucks, because I'm a wife all the time.  I know I'm not as bad as he makes it out to be (I'm far from perfect, but like any other person I have my ups and downs and try to learn how to improve myself), but it doesn't change that feeling.  What do you guys do to feel less of a failure, and more validated?  I don't want myself to walk back into the FOG again.

Chosen

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Michelle27]

What about placing a boundary around comments about your abilities as a wife.  In a calm moment, you could explain that such comments hurt you and that you will no longer listen to general comments like that.  If he wants to discuss specific requests for change in a respectful way, that is encouraged, but general mean spirited insults will no longer be tolerated and you will leave the room/leave the house/not continue the discussion (whatever you want to do)  so he is clear on what the consequences will be. 

[Chosen]

I already don't respond to those comments... .I mean, there is absolutely no point in engaging because on a bad day, it usually ends up with me defending myself, or him keep on saying "I did xyz for you, you did nothing for me", and I end up feeling rubbish about myself.

But I don't think there is a big use of me saying "I won't tolerate these comments because they hurt me".  Obviously he is saying those to hurt me (maybe subconsciously, but still).  And he will just go on to say "If you don't want others to tell you you're incapable, then don't do it.", or he will go on and on about how I'm incapable, AND don't allow him to express his feelings.  So I guess my way is only to put a boundary but not tell him that in advance, just not respond. 

However, this cannot prevent him from "expressing his feelings", as he doesn't think there is anything wrong in expressing how he feels, cos afterall I *made* him feel so bad.

[waverider]

My partner fell into the bad old ways of criticizing me saying I did nothing. Total projection as I do 100%. So i went on strike and did precisely nothing for a couple of days as a reminder as to what "nothing" looks like.

Fixed the problem quickly.

I caught a lot of fish during that 'demonstration" period.