rebuilding trust from a BPD partner

[dan78]

A little background... .my BPD gf moved here from another state to be with me in May.  We had known eachother years ago and had a child together I had never met but we had only been in contact again a month. Prior to reconnecting with my current gf (like JUST prior) I had been living with a woman with whom I had a less than satisfying relationship with. This woman moved out March to be with someone else. My relationship with my gf was sudden and progressed very quickly.

My BPDgf cannot stand when I talk to my ex. We dont talk often but exchange the occasional text but it really bothers my gf so I started only texting with her while at work and then deleting them.  I got caught... .and I tried to lie about it and failed. It was innocent but naturally my gf suspects it was not. I broke her trust by lying. We fought. I apologized over and over, agreed never to talk to my ex again, promised her I love her... .we made up somewhat, have been spending time together but everything feels strained. I know I hurt her very deeply. How do I rebuild the trust I broke?

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[maxsterling]

Short answer, you can't.  It just takes time for her to come around.  It sounds like you have done all you can here, and the rest has to be up to her.  Apologizing more or making additional efforts to heal this wound will likely only frustrate you more.  Simple truth is her feelings have to change, and you have no control over that.

Question, which I am sure she asked you as well, why did you still keep in contact with the ex?  Mutual friends?  Trying to resolve loose ends from her living with you?  Generally speaking, pwBPD are typically very jealous/envious and mistrusting people.  So *any* kind of contact with an ex is likely to trigger a reaction.  Trying to explain your reasons as being "innocent" probably made the situation worse. 

[Notwendy]

The only way you can hope to build trust is to be trutworthy. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Live an honest life.

Whether or not your gf chooses to trust you is not something you can control. Someone with trust issues may not be able to fully trust someone, however, by being trustworthy, you can hope she will trust you as much as she is able.

What breaks trust is also being inconsistent with your own word. For instance, when someone tells me they love me and then treat me poorly, I tend to not trust their word, even if I trust them in other ways.

Be trustworthy and be transparent. This doesn't mean not having boundaries, but healthy boundaries also build trust. For instance, my H and I don't share passwords to e mails, facebook although some people do. The reason to me is that if someone is going to do something behind the other's back, they can always open another secret account. I am not concerned about having my own e mail password since my boundary is not to cheat anyway no matter who has access to it.

[dan78]

Short answer, you can't.  It just takes time for her to come around.  It sounds like you have done all you can here, and the rest has to be up to her.  Apologizing more or making additional efforts to heal this wound will likely only frustrate you more.  Simple truth is her feelings have to change, and you have no control over that.

Question, which I am sure she asked you as well, why did you still keep in contact with the ex?  Mutual friends?  Trying to resolve loose ends from her living with you?  Generally speaking, pwBPD are typically very jealous/envious and mistrusting people.  So *any* kind of contact with an ex is likely to trigger a reaction.  Trying to explain your reasons as being "innocent" probably made the situation worse. 

We maintained contact mostly because I became close to her sons while they lived here and I like hearing about them. We also live in the same small town so staying friendly and cordial keeps it from being awkward around town.

My gf isnt super jealous about most women. I have female friends I chat with from time to time and it doesnt bother her. For some reason, however, she feels very threatened by this particular exgf. It baffles me. Ex is overweight, not particularly attractive physically or facially,  a good person but doesnt have the most remarkable personality and sex with her was lackluster at best. Current gf is tiny with a beautiful little figure and a gorgeous face, shes charming, funny , intelligent, witty, sweet... .in short she lights up a room and sex with her is amazing. She has no reason to feel threatened by anyone but especially not this particular woman.

[dan78]

The only way you can hope to build trust is to be trutworthy. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Live an honest life.

Whether or not your gf chooses to trust you is not something you can control. Someone with trust issues may not be able to fully trust someone, however, by being trustworthy, you can hope she will trust you as much as she is able.

What breaks trust is also being inconsistent with your own word. For instance, when someone tells me they love me and then treat me poorly, I tend to not trust their word, even if I trust them in other ways.

Be trustworthy and be transparent. This doesn't mean not having boundaries, but healthy boundaries also build trust. For instance, my H and I don't share passwords to e mails, facebook although some people do. The reason to me is that if someone is going to do something behind the other's back, they can always open another secret account. I am not concerned about having my own e mail password since my boundary is not to cheat anyway no matter who has access to it.




[/quote

Thank you. Youve given excellent advice. I do need to make sure to be completely transparent. Anything that even seems sneaky or shady seems to be a huge trigger for her.

[HoldingAHurricane]

PwBPD have deeply entrenched difficulties with trusting people. There maybe times she feels trust in you, and other times when she doesn't and any of those times may often have nothing to do with you.

If you want to be a trustworthy person because it is important to you, then consistency over time is the key. Do what you say you are going to do, show up when you say you are going to show up, deliver on your promises when you promise something. Don't put yourself in situations that would require benefit of the doubt. If at the end of the day, you can look at yourself and know you are behaving in a way consistent with trustworthiness then that is all you can ask of yourself. Trying to measure yourself by her changing needs and standards will be a constant disappointment. 

[Notwendy]

You may not ever be able to not entirely trigger her fears or see her be fearful. I have not cheated on my H, yet at times he asks me, and his fears can be triggered by something completely innocent. Sometimes he does get upset when I am on FB. The point is, I know that I haven't done anything wrong, so he has to own his triggers. Although I can understand not liking someone to be friends with a recent romantic ex, my H gets triggered by my having a few old friends from childhood who are like brothers to me and who I speak to/see only every few years. Now this could be different if we were communicating frequently in private and things got wierd, but I know the difference.

If I were to have done something that would make him fearful, I would have to be accountable for my behaviors. However, I have done nothing to trigger his fears. There were times I did let his fears control my decisions, however, even if I never spoke to a man ever, that would not stop his fears. Being co-dependent, I tended to limit myself just to keep him happy and that was lonely and isolating.

So besides having to be trustworthy, I do not wish to go to the opposite extreme. I don't think I need to not ever communucate with other people because of his fears.

[maxsterling]

My gf isnt super jealous about most women. I have female friends I chat with from time to time and it doesnt bother her. For some reason, however, she feels very threatened by this particular exgf. It baffles me. Ex is overweight, not particularly attractive physically or facially,  a good person but doesnt have the most remarkable personality and sex with her was lackluster at best. Current gf is tiny with a beautiful little figure and a gorgeous face, shes charming, funny , intelligent, witty, sweet... .in short she lights up a room and sex with her is amazing. She has no reason to feel threatened by anyone but especially not this particular woman.

Seemingly, no.  But she has feelings, and to a pwBPD feelings=facts.  She feels threatened, and to her there is a legitimate reason for it.

My situation is the same.  I have a couple of female friends that I have never dated that my wife seemingly is okay with.  Sure, she has occasionally asked questions as to why I haven't dated so-and-so, but I don't see her feeling threatened in any way.  I do have an ex, however, that we randomly bumped into one time and my wife went into an extreme downward spiral.  This ex was abusive to me (likely NPD/BPD), abusive towards her son, an alcoholic, and really has nothing that one should be envious of.  Why my wife would spiral downward with any mention of her, whereas have no worry about my other female friends really makes little sense to me. 

[dan78]

PwBPD have deeply entrenched difficulties with trusting people. There maybe times she feels trust in you, and other times when she doesn't and any of those times may often have nothing to do with you.

If you want to be a trustworthy person because it is important to you, then consistency over time is the key. Do what you say you are going to do, show up when you say you are going to show up, deliver on your promises when you promise something. Don't put yourself in situations that would require benefit of the doubt. If at the end of the day, you can look at yourself and know you are behaving in a way consistent with trustworthiness then that is all you can ask of yourself. Trying to measure yourself by her changing needs and standards will be a constant disappointment. 

She told me that before this happened she trusted me more than any other man shes ever known but now she is struggling with that because I lied to her and deleted text messages. And I get that. Now I worry Ive destroyed that trust forever. She struggles so much with trust Im afraid she will never see me the same way again... .when all I was really doing was trying to protect her feelings and avoid conflict.

[dan78]

You may not ever be able to not entirely trigger her fears or see her be fearful. I have not cheated on my H, yet at times he asks me, and his fears can be triggered by something completely innocent. Sometimes he does get upset when I am on FB. The point is, I know that I haven't done anything wrong, so he has to own his triggers. Although I can understand not liking someone to be friends with a recent romantic ex, my H gets triggered by my having a few old friends from childhood who are like brothers to me and who I speak to/see only every few years. Now this could be different if we were communicating frequently in private and things got wierd, but I know the difference.

If I were to have done something that would make him fearful, I would have to be accountable for my behaviors. However, I have done nothing to trigger his fears. There were times I did let his fears control my decisions, however, even if I never spoke to a man ever, that would not stop his fears. Being co-dependent, I tended to limit myself just to keep him happy and that was lonely and isolating.

So besides having to be trustworthy, I do not wish to go to the opposite extreme. I don't think I need to not ever communucate with other people because of his fears.

Im not willing to isolate myself to protect her feelings but I am willing to end any kind of contact with this particular woman. My relationship with my gf and her feelings mean a lot more to me than texts with my ex.

[dan78]

My gf isnt super jealous about most women. I have female friends I chat with from time to time and it doesnt bother her. For some reason, however, she feels very threatened by this particular exgf. It baffles me. Ex is overweight, not particularly attractive physically or facially,  a good person but doesnt have the most remarkable personality and sex with her was lackluster at best. Current gf is tiny with a beautiful little figure and a gorgeous face, shes charming, funny , intelligent, witty, sweet... .in short she lights up a room and sex with her is amazing. She has no reason to feel threatened by anyone but especially not this particular woman.

yeah. This makes very little sense to me as well. My relationship with this ex was not particularly intense or close... .we basically coexisted in the same household because both she and I were settling... .there was no real love involved. My relationship with my gf is deep and intensely emotional. We have been in love sense the night we met.

Seemingly, no.  But she has feelings, and to a pwBPD feelings=facts.  She feels threatened, and to her there is a legitimate reason for it.

My situation is the same.  I have a couple of female friends that I have never dated that my wife seemingly is okay with.  Sure, she has occasionally asked questions as to why I haven't dated so-and-so, but I don't see her feeling threatened in any way.  I do have an ex, however, that we randomly bumped into one time and my wife went into an extreme downward spiral.  This ex was abusive to me (likely NPD/BPD), abusive towards her son, an alcoholic, and really has nothing that one should be envious of.  Why my wife would spiral downward with any mention of her, whereas have no worry about my other female friends really makes little sense to me. 

[HoldingAHurricane]

She told me that before this happened she trusted me more than any other man shes ever known

And that statement sounds typical of the idealisation which is characteristic of BPD. Whether trust is ever rebuilt is 50% your choice and 50% her choice. For trust to exist, you have to be willing to be trustworthy and she has to be willing to trust you. Since you can't control her 50%, you can only choose to do your 50% to the best of your ability.

You broke trust by hiding something that had the potential to hurt someone else. You can own that without having to take responsibility for the trust issues she came into the relationship with.

[HappyNihilist]

dan, I'm sorry about your situation - I know you feel bad about betraying your gf's trust, and don't want to hurt her. You've apologized and made it clear to your gf how important she is to you. You're committed to being trustworthy. You're doing your part.

You broke trust by hiding something that had the potential to hurt someone else. You can own that without having to take responsibility for the trust issues she came into the relationship with.

She told me that before this happened she trusted me more than any other man shes ever known

And that statement sounds typical of the idealisation which is characteristic of BPD.

Speaking of idealization... .

My relationship with my gf is deep and intensely emotional. We have been in love sense the night we met.

dan, do you think it's possible that you might have some unrealistic expectations for this relationship to live up to? No relationship can thrive with unrealistic expectations... .and both partners feel more secure, comfortable, and accepted when those aren't hanging over their heads.

[dan78]

She told me that before this happened she trusted me more than any other man shes ever known

And that statement sounds typical of the idealisation which is characteristic of BPD. Whether trust is ever rebuilt is 50% your choice and 50% her choice. For trust to exist, you have to be willing to be trustworthy and she has to be willing to trust you. Since you can't control her 50%, you can only choose to do your 50% to the best of your ability.

You broke trust by hiding something that had the potential to hurt someone else. You can own that without having to take responsibility for the trust issues she came into the relationship with.

I try hard to be understanding. She has good reasons in her past to have trust issues, even without her BPD issues. Men she has loved have hurt her very deeply over and over again. I feel terrible that now I seem to have become one of them.

[dan78]

dan, I'm sorry about your situation - I know you feel bad about betraying your gf's trust, and don't want to hurt her. You've apologized and made it clear to your gf how important she is to you. You're committed to being trustworthy. You're doing your part.

You broke trust by hiding something that had the potential to hurt someone else. You can own that without having to take responsibility for the trust issues she came into the relationship with.

She told me that before this happened she trusted me more than any other man shes ever known

And that statement sounds typical of the idealisation which is characteristic of BPD.

Speaking of idealization... .

My relationship with my gf is deep and intensely emotional. We have been in love sense the night we met.

dan, do you think it's possible that you might have some unrealistic expectations for this relationship to live up to? No relationship can thrive with unrealistic expectations... .and both partners feel more secure, comfortable, and accepted when those aren't hanging over their heads.

I dont feel like my expectations are unreasonable. I dont really HAVE expectations beyond loving eachother,  being there for eachother, continuing to share our lives and raise our kids together... .marriage eventually. I dont believe any of those expectations arent reasonable.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My uBPDw has always had issues with my having an ex-wife (she's widowed).  12-18 months after we were married I my ex emailed me asking if I put our son on my health insurance.  Since I was now married and paying the family rate, I figured I'd include my son along with my step-kids.

OK, didn't understand the insurance thing and my ex's insurance wanted to know why our son was double insured.  We had never made a claim or anything, so I responded back that I would take him off and pay for any penalties (but since no claims... .no penalties).

Dummy me when I forwarded the note to my wife I removed the sentence that I'd pay the penalties.  Dumb.  I was wrong.  I got caught.  I said I was wrong and apologized.  I apologized... .I apologized... .

We're going on 3 years later and it still comes up 2-3 times a month that all her other behaviors are a result of my behavior... .when I'm tired and fall into the argument trap I'll ask what was her excuse before I f***ed up... .but as anyone here knows any argument is a losing argument.

Now since my son is out of college, I think I've exchanged 2-3 emails with my ex since, and my wife is either cc'd or standing over my shoulder.  That doesn't stop her from telling me how I want a connection with my ex, or that I could still have sex with her (which of course she can't since she's widowed... .)

Bottom line, if she's still a gf... .run.

[Wrongturn1]

Dan, as others have pointed out, you can only be responsible for your 50% of the trust equation (being trustworthy). 

If she's BPD, she may not be capable of trusting you or anyone else - in fact, I believe she didn't trust you even before you started deleting the messages, because if she trusted you in the first place, she never would have cared about your communications with your ex.  But now she has something on you that she will use over, and over, and over again to blame you for her unhappiness.

This seems to be a familiar pattern in my life and from other stories I have seen here:

1) The non does "xyz", which could be any normal/healthy/reasonable behavior within the bounds of a committed relationship.  [xyz could equal just about anything: stopping for coffee on the way to work twice a week; calling relatives on the phone; coordinating with an ex over child custody; etc.]

2) The BPD, due to extreme fear of abandonment, lack of trust, and/or jealousy, starts to dysregulate when learning that the none has done xyz.

3) The non, wishing to avoid confrontation, and because xyz is reasonable and not wrong, continues behavior xyz but conceals it - thinking "there's nothing wrong with this... .I'll just keep doing it but not let my BPD know about it".

4) Eventually the BPD finds out that the non has continued to xyz.

5) The BPD explodes into major dysregulation; claims that their perfect trust has been broken; blames the non for all the problems in their life and their self-loathing.

6) No matter how many times the non apologizes or how long the non has abandoned behavior xyz, the BPD never forgets, forgives, or trusts.  The BPD brings up the issue repeatedly for decades as part of abusing the non.

Anyone else observe anything similar?

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

You forgot:

7) The non goes online trying to understand how their life got to this point.

8) The non finds a few tools... .but has resigned themselves that this is their life