Moving in together?

[Infern0]

So my girlfriend and I have been back together for only about 3 weeks now, but she today bought up moving in together.

At the moment we live separate although she has been at mine or I've been at hers for every night for the last two weeks.

Obviously I've known her for almost two years now so I'm comfortable to do it and it would help financially.

I'm just concerned because I hear a lot of bad stories of things going south real fast when you move in with a BPD.

Currently she's being really good,  a lot more open and honest than last time and she's talked about what she has learned.  We are working through the dbt skills book and she's keen to start group sessions.  She's making a lot of progress with her eating too and only purged once last week. 

I am not sure what to do,  a part of me wants to take this step but another part is cautious that I'm dealing with BPD and that the tide can turn quick. Also she's been saying she wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. This all sounds great but I'm wary of letting my guard down and giving myself to her completely.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Riverrat]

I would go easy here.

dBPDgf just got out of jail for self medicating DUI three weeks ago. She asked to stay by me for a while, but it's been VERY difficult. I feel awkward in my own home. Before her arrival I removed anything valuable to me as she tends to throw things when raging.

It tends to intensify the push/pull as when she feels comfy and homey she has to start something to push me away. Be sure you have enough space (spare room)where you can get away from each other for space if needed, and have an offsite place to go if you need a timeout.

I think if they start to feel comfortable in a given sitch, they will suddenly reverse suddenly and push you away. It takes a lot of patience and understanding.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing!

[Tim300]

Nobody can predict what might happen.  However, from my experience and from what I've gathered about BPD, I would move in together now if within a few months you want the answer to the question: "Can this really work or not?"  Be prepared that the answer might be that within a month things completely collapse to the point of no return.  If your goal is to prolong the relationship indefinitely your best bet might be to continue the status quo even if she asks to move in together from time to time.

[Loosestrife]

the other options are:

1) you move in with her for a trial period and keep you place on... .and then you can always go back to your place if things get too tough.

2) get somewhere together but on a short lease say 3 months

There is no way to predict what will happen... .it all went wrong for me when my partner moved in, but it was a small apartment so that didn't help... .Space is important

[123Phoebe]

Hi Infern0,

I think it's great that you're thinking things through... . 3 weeks seems like a pretty short time to be taking the plunge of moving in together.  I'm not sure how long your relationship was prior to reconnecting?  

Does this feel like a continuation of your relationship, or a brand new start to your relationship?

The 4 things that stood out to me in your first post were these:

"I'm just concerned because... ."

"Currently she's being really good... . ... .She's making a lot of progress with her eating too and only purged once last week."

"I am not sure what to do... ."

"I'm wary of... ."

Moving in together is a huge commitment for both of you.  Until I could honestly say and feel it in my bones that, "I feel really good, strong and confident about this decision of moving in together, because... .", I'd keep working on those concerns, uncertainty and wariness; delving into those things as they will have an effect on both of you, before making a definitive decision.

That's me, not you, so take it with a grain of salt.

So my girlfriend and I have been back together for only about 3 weeks now, but she today bought up moving in together.

Was moving in together (this soon), in your thoughts before she brought it up?

Have you thought about giving it a little more time and expressed it with her?  Can you easily discuss this sort of thing together?

[Grey Kitty]

You sound pressured and afraid about moving in with her. (123phoebe cited it already.)

What do you think would happen if you told her you were feeling this?

[Rifka]

So my girlfriend and I have been back together for only about 3 weeks now, but she today bought up moving in together.

At the moment we live separate although she has been at mine or I've been at hers for every night for the last two weeks.

Obviously I've known her for almost two years now so I'm comfortable to do it and it would help financially.

I'm just concerned because I hear a lot of bad stories of things going south real fast when you move in with a BPD.

Currently she's being really good,  a lot more open and honest than last time and she's talked about what she has learned.  We are working through the dbt skills book and she's keen to start group sessions.  She's making a lot of progress with her eating too and only purged once last week. 

I am not sure what to do,  a part of me wants to take this step but another part is cautious that I'm dealing with BPD and that the tide can turn quick. Also she's been saying she wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. This all sounds great but I'm wary of letting my guard down and giving myself to her completely.

Inferno,

I understand you are taking another go of it and completely respect that that is your own business and life.

Since you are asking here for advice, I would ask:

Is she working?

Will she be paying her fair share?

What is the rush to move in together?

What are the real reasons that she wants to live together so quickly?

Is she respectful of your boundries and being told that you might have a difference of opinion based on the past and it being too quickly.

Is she mentally or emotionally available to take care of you as you would her?

Are you going to become her caretaker, or will she be able to make adult decisions on her own?

Where do you believe this will go once you give in and she deregulates and you can not have the space to run to think on your own?

I know you will do what you want, but my suggestion would be to get through the point where she would normally disregulate and then make a conscious decision based on it being your idea and not hers.

It would also be great if she knew she had to pull her weight in the responsibilities if this is something that she would like in the future.

3 weeks is still too early in the re honeymoon stage to base the value of the relationship on.

Be safe my friend!

Rifka