I want her back

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's day three nc. I'm going through up down phases. But I just want her back. I hate to think of her with someone else. I'm starting to believe that if I had just learned / used SET and validation we'd still be together.  But once I'd learned those it was very late in the devaluation ... .at one point I used validation and it was like magic she came back to "normal". But then the abuse kept going and I just couldn't swallow my pride and keep feeling like it was all my fault / my needs meant nothing.

Basically it's snowing really hard and I know she's home alone. She is too insecure to break nc even though she ended it. This was part of our relationship ... .I always had to break any silence, she just couldn't do it. Ugh, so many manipulations!

[ripps]

It's day three nc. I'm going through up down phases. But I just want her back. I hate to think of her with someone else. I'm starting to believe that if I had just learned / used SET and validation we'd still be together.  But once I'd learned those it was very late in the devaluation ... .at one point I used validation and it was like magic she came back to "normal". But then the abuse kept going and I just couldn't swallow my pride and keep feeling like it was all my fault / my needs meant nothing.

Basically it's snowing really hard and I know she's home alone. She is too insecure to break nc even though she ended it. This was part of our relationship ... .I always had to break any silence, she just couldn't do it. Ugh, so many manipulations!

[Trog]

Dogs are for tricks and techniques, women should be able to handle their own shizzle.

You need to rewire the circuitry, remember the bad times? We would all go back for love bombing and early validation. You can do better than this. It's like drug withdrawal, physically and chemically

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Dogs are for tricks and techniques, women should be able to handle their own shizzle.

You need to rewire the circuitry, remember the bad times? We would all go back for love bombing and early validation. You can do better than this. It's like drug withdrawal, physically and chemically

Well said.  You are going through withdrawal.  I was where you were a few months ago, thinking that I could have made it better with a few more tools.  Here's the bitter truth, you already did a damn fine job and it still wasn't enough.  To be blunt you miss the illusion she presented to you, not the real her. 

I have stayed close with my dBPDex at first because I was still in the bargaining stage of grief.  Now it is a morbid curiosity, a study of psychology.  Each passing week I see more and more of the real her, she is only able to present so many masks, and as I am no longer a source of priority, I get a good angle to see her games.  Her first rebound was 17 days after she ran from our engagement.  She moved in with him after one date.  That lasted about 4 months and he tossed her aside when he was done having fun with her.  She instantly made Tinder, POF and okcupid accounts to find new sources.  Right now she is having sex with an alcoholic she found on tinder while dating as many guys as she can from the sites.  This is truely sick, psychopathic, selfish behavior.  People are just a fix, a drug, an object to a borderline personality.  If they have any empathy at all it is fleeting, they will feed you just enough attention to keep you around to feed on.  Once you become wise to their games and push back, they will likely run as they know their ruse is up, they are busted, and they will have to groom a new person to feed on.  These people are tragically sick and no amount of SET will be anything more than a bandaid.  If you are willing to accept an abusive relationship that is guaranteed to have ever diminishing levels of reciprocation then pine away.  The only thing that might help a BPD is years upon years of persistent psychotherapy. 

I know what I have said here is harsh, but I was in your shoes not long ago.  I was still in love with the girl I met, the woman that I kept waiting to come back for nearly two years after the idealization phase.  She never came back when we were together and if she ever comes back now it is nothing more than a NPD/BPD mask to get her sick fix of emotional validation to fill her black-hole of a heart.

Stay strong, heal and read all you can, it will help you to get out of the fog.  It's going to be hard but you will heal and come out of this a more aware and complete person.

[Copperfox]

I'm starting to believe that if I had just learned / used SET and validation we'd still be together.  But once I'd learned those it was very late in the devaluation ... .at one point I used validation and it was like magic she came back to "normal". But then the abuse kept going and I just couldn't swallow my pride and keep feeling like it was all my fault / my needs meant nothing.

It's normal to think "if I had just done things differently, then things would have turned out differently" ... .but BPD is an ingrained pattern of behavior.  They repeat those patterns over and over, in every relationship.  They did it before you, they will do it after you.  It's not fair to yourself to take all the responsibility on your own shoulders.  It was never yours to begin with.

Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, equal partnerships.

[jhkbuzz]

I was where you were a few months ago, thinking that I could have made it better with a few more tools.  Here's the bitter truth, you already did a damn fine job and it still wasn't enough.  To be blunt you miss the illusion she presented to you, not the real her. 

^^^ That.  About 7 months ago for me. And you will see the truth of the bolded text as time passes.

[Mutt]

I'm starting to believe that if I had just learned / used SET and validation we'd still be together.  But once I'd learned those it was very late in the devaluation ... .at one point I used validation and it was like magic she came back to "normal". But then the abuse kept going and I just couldn't swallow my pride and keep feeling like it was all my fault / my needs meant nothing.

It's normal to think "if I had just done things differently, then things would have turned out differently" ... .but BPD is an ingrained pattern of behavior.  They repeat those patterns over and over, in every relationship.  They did it before you, they will do it after you.  It's not fair to yourself to take all the responsibility on your own shoulders.  It was never yours to begin with.

Relationships are supposed to be partnerships, equal partnerships.

It's been mentioned; it's feels like drug user suffering from withdrawals days or weeks after a breakup. I'm sorry your going through this. Don't be hard on yourself, there's resentful feelings brewing unbeknownst to you in the r/s. I can relate. If your struggling you should find the 10 false beliefs that keep us stuck help. It was huge help when I was going through the up and down phases.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[JRT]

I am really sorry that you are going through this... .we all have and I have to say that its really horrible; we all know the pain.

The fact of the matter is this: even if you want her back, the ONLY way that you will get her back and under the proper circumstances is if you do NOT contact her. Your attempts will only push her farther way. Its crazy but thats BPD.

[Invictus01]

The first a month or so was just completely horrible. I don't know how to describe it other than that I was bat$hit crazy. I think I'd be sent to a mental facility if I were to meet with a certified psychiatrist. I had suicide thoughts, ordering a hit on her thoughts (that's the dude who feels bad about killing a bug), couldn't sleep or eat, CRAZY $hit... .Give it time. It does get MUCH better... .

[Withdrawal]

My Name is Withdrawal because I want her back too. But I know better now. One of the best things I've got right now is a huge archive of recordings of our conversations. We recorded them because we would often fight about who was yelling at who afterwards, and who said what. Turns out, lo and behold, my perception indeed was accurate… I'm not the crazy one! It was my BPDex who was always the yeller as I quietly tried to calm her down and get her to stop calling me names and stop the venom. She couldn't control herself. The dissociation, the rage, the splitting, the blame shifting is all there for me to hear. And yes, still, even thought I am completely intellectually committed to NC after the cheating, the lying, and all the rest of the insanity for five years, I am still emotionally attached and feel the withdrawal hard.

One of the crazy things is that I now see the pattern that was brewing which led to her full fledged affair. I just found a conversation where I said that the flirting she did with my friend who told me about it was a sign that she was using sex to try to address her self esteem issues and she admitted that was true. She also admitted that there might be some truth to the fact that she had begun to hate me for not treating her well (of course her devaluing incorrect perception - really just projecting feelings about her father onto me) and was using this sexual play with my friend as a way of getting back at me.

It was all set up long ago and now I will always no better in the future. Even a hint of this kind of bull___ and anyone I'm with would be outta there. Live and learn.

But yes… after the cheating and lying and gas lighting and splitting, and raging, and devaluing, and distancing, and withholding and total lack of appreciation… I still have a feeling that I want her. Wanted to write to her tonight after only one week NC. Indeed. Just like heroin.

But I won't. I won't do it. And you shouldn't either. Yes, I dream that she will write to me soon and tell me that she has woken up and can't believe what she'd done and is going to therapy and stopping the affair and wants me back. If she does, I'm not sure what I'll do at this point. I'll take a breather and check in here. And everyone will tell me not to respond and save my own life and I will probably listen. But either way, this can never happen (not that it will anyway) unless I honor my commitment to NC. Can you imagine if I wrote to her and she is still in the throws of her addiction and getting laid right now? She'll just ignore it and think what a loser I am and can't I get a life? She admitted straight up that had I caught her while she was in her ritual driving up to see her affair partner, she would have gotten angry. She's semi aware that she's using this affair as an addiction to avoid all the ___ she has to deal with.

Either way, there's nothing good coming out of contacting her. Nothing, no way. Nothing good coming out of responding to her if she contacts me either, I realize. But at least it won't be me reaching out. Not after being the only one to reach out for 5 years. It's time to have just a little self respect. NC means NC.

But man. I am with you. I'm sorry. It's really a shame. Wouldn't it be great if these people could not be sick? If they could reciprocate the love and effort we gave? What a dream that would be. But it's just a fantasy we're holding on to… and ultimately… it's the love we didn't get when we were kids that we are longing for… and it's seeming to me that only we can provide that now for ourselves. Not sure exactly how, but that's why I'm seeing a great T who is helping me to figure out how to love myself with as much devotion as I loved her.

Wishing you luck and strength.

[Clearmind]

Only if... .(fill in the blanks)

I like the phrase "this time too shall pass" because it inevitably does. It may take a week or 6 months but it does. I pined for my ex badly. I wanted him back but was so angry with him at the same time. I started to ask myself how a relationship could get past this bad patch with so much distrust. It couldnt. It was broken.

What are you fighting for? What parts of the relationship are you wanting back?

[ripps]

Thanks all. Really helpful. To answer the last question: I want back what i "thought" we had, but it was never there. Over and over over 1.5 years together I said to her "I feel like we're in the first month of dating, by things you say and just how I feel" ... .Kinda says it all.

[raisins3142]

There is a whole planet with many available women.  Probably well over 75% are mentally more healthy than your ex.  You have options.  It is not "be with this person or alone forever".  You can find and bond with someone else even more so and in a healthy way.  Heck, for me, a life of total celibacy would be better than living my life with my uBPDexgf.  You make the call, of course.  Relationships should not be this hard, and it is hard for people to change even when they want to and are NOT mentally ill.

[Deeno02]

I saw mine exgf yesterday while driving. Heart lept up into my throat, anxiety, feeling of loss, love, sadness, her curly black hair. Then I remembered this is the same person I wanted to end my life for. The one who called my children names, replaced me within a week,the very same one who mentally, emotionally and verbally abused me. The one who kept me away from her friends because I wasnt good enough. I remembered enough to know that she is hell on earth and Im not around it anymore. Somebody elses problem now, not mine. Does it hurt? Hell yeah it does. Does it bug me I was used? Yes it does. Does it bug me shes with another? Hell yeah it does. But you know what? Im getting better. She wont. Ever. Its your choice dude and yours alone. We are merely sharing our pain with you to make an informed decision. But its on you.