Basic Coercion - Michael Samsel

[hope2727]

Basic Coercion

abuseandrelationships.org



Basic coercion refers to the situation where the survivor, to have any peace or stability in the relationship, must give in and comply with what the primary aggressor wants. The survivor understands that the situation will escalate or remain tense until they give in. Unsolvable conflict and disruption is used by the primary aggressor as a punishment when the survivor does not do what he wants. Casual observers who do not see evidence of battering may well miss the coercion actually present.

The expression "My way or the highway!" touches on basic coercion, but in most abusive relationships, 'the highway' is a bluff and leaving is not really allowed. Basic coercion is easily distinguishable from setting boundaries. There are two aspects of basic coercion worth discussing a bit further: pressure release, and threatening to leave.

Pressure-Release as a Tactic

A basic illustration of pressure-release as a psychological control tactic is the well-known theme of good cop/bad cop. Any human person habituates physically a bit to any sustained pressure or discomfort. If the pressure or discomfort is removed suddenly, there is a physical rebound of relief feelings. If there is an identifiable person responsible for the relief, or even a person in the vicinity, gratitude is usually felt toward that person.

In a situation of domestic violence, primary aggressors often act out mood swings. That is, intensely coercive behavior may be replaced suddenly by civil behavior or modestly rewarding behavior. This produces a physiological experience of gratitude in the survivor. Survivors lose their internal compass, and periods of mere civil behavior come to be regarded as 'good' periods, partly just by contrast, but also through the mechanism of relief feelings.

Control is ever present, however. Primary aggressors will use the relief feelings in the survivor to exact more compliance.

Threatening to Leave a Relationship

Leaving a relationship should always be an option if boundaries are violated or satisfaction is absent. Relationships should not work as a trap that limits options.

Frequently though, when one partner's legitimate expression triggers the shame or rage of the other, the triggered partner can not imagine accepting the 'change' in the other partner, and so a threat to leave is reflexively thrown back. The threatening partner does not mean to leave though, because the shame binds him all the more dependently in the relationship. Threats to leave really block communication and cooperation, however.

Shame-based threats to leave are not actions that protect integrity. Not getting one's way is not a boundary issue. Not liking what one is hearing is not a boundary issue.

Primary aggressors learn quickly that threats to leave can be used for power. Threats to leave shift the focus from the primary aggressor's behavior to the survivors’ behavior, which is the fundamental abusive maneuver (turn around). Usually, threats to leave are produced when accountability is asked for.

In a respectful relationship, room is allowed for partners to bring complaints and hold up a mirror to a side that the other partner doesn’t see or doesn't want to see. This requires a certain stability. If a man threatens to leave whenever the heat gets too hot, it is attempt to silence the partner. Threats to leave can act like a trump card that renders the original conflict irrelevant.

Because women take strong interest in a relationship working, they are often strongly affected by threats to leave. Many men have learned this and exploit it. Like all power behaviors, threats to leave are subject to rapid and dangerous escalation if they do not have the intended effect. Many physical assaults are committed by men who, ironically, had moments before said they were done with the relationship.

Michael Samsel has been a registered nurse since 1986, working in medical, emergency room, and psychiatric settings. He completed a master’s degree in Child, Couple, and Family Therapy at Antioch University Seattle in 2004. He spent a year working in the schools-based counseling service of Seattle Mental Health. He's also worked with Family Preservation Services, teaching conflict management and parenting skills, and providing family, child, and individual therapy to high risk families. He maintained a private practice since April of 2007. In the state of Washington, he has worked as a DSHS Certified Domestic Violence Perpetrator Treatment Provider.

[hope2727]

So I often spoke with my exwBPD about his pattern of abandoning me and then returning acting like nothing had happened. He endured parents who abandoned him repeatedly as a child. I explained that his storming out and abandoning me is inappropriate. He relied that he always returned so I should get over it. I then told him his abandonment and return pattern was no more appropriate then his parents pattern of doing the same thing. They too always returned but it was no less damaging. It was damaging even though they too returned. He seemed to grasp that.

Last night I was reading this web site and re-read the part on threats to leave as a form of abuse. It really resonated with me. I was wondering if other people had the same experiences with their partner leaving and then returning and recognizing that when they did that it was harmful. I always though my ex had rather good insight into his own behaviours but the resulting comprehension never seemed to stick. I am curious if some pwBPD who are higher functioning and have good insight also seemed to lose these insights over time?

Such a sad disorder. I really do feel bad for him.

[CloseToFreedom]

Before we were living together, my exgf often threatened to leave by packing her stuff and then sometimes even going outside the appartment. She would wait there for me to get her back. She even sometimes said: 'I want you to go after me when I walk away, so that I know you want me.'

After a couple of times I started to stop going after her. It felt manipulative. I would just sit there and wait for her to go away, and often when she went away she would try to contact me, being mad that I didn't go after her.

So glad I don't have to deal with that stuff anymore. Its so tiring.

[Ripped Heart]

Hope2727

I'm sorry you had to go through the constant abandonment cycles and the invalidation that went with it. I guess it's difficult on both sides which is something you also recognise. For your ex, it sounds like he was constantly abandoned by his parents as a child but always came back so to him that probably feels normal and is a learned behaviour. His comment to you about getting over it because he always comes back is what I find invalidating because it doesn't take your feelings and concerns into account. It's at that point where 2 healthy people would sit down and find a compromise. You completely understand your ex's behaviours and the reasons behind it but it seems he wasn't willing to understand your point of view regardless of whether he knew why he did things.

My situation was almost the opposite to yours in that I was the one who left a lot. Not out of anger or abandonment but because of work and my children. We were from 2 different countries so I would leave for 1 week every month to spend time with my children. My job allows me to work from anywhere in the world and her job gave her a lot of free time too. However, she had the option of coming with me but wouldn't. It wasn't that I was abandoning her, it's that she just didn't want to come. Instead though, that was turned against me because she was very aware that she had abandonment issues and put that responsibility on me. She chose not to come in a twisted game where she wanted me to choose between my children and her.

When I was away, I had to respond to texts and emails within 30 minutes. She needed a complete itinerary of my trip and to know where I was at all times. If I went into the office for a meeting, she knew how long it took for me to get home so I often got home to the phone ringing and if I didn't answer, the rages would begin. On a night, I would have to put skype on so she knew I was there and leave it on all night. This meant I could only go to sleep when she did and there was a 5 hour time difference so I would often get 1 hours sleep if I was lucky.

In her mind, she had told me she had abandonment issues but it was that it was my responsibility to accommodate that. There was no compromise and I accepted it for what it was. When she flew into a rage, I took responsibility for failing her. If I so much as discussed an evening out with my friends, there were guilt trips laid. And the kicker to all of this which I failed to recognise until after was that she had the option of coming with me but chose not to. As her/my T pointed out, because she had awareness of her situation, it was her responsibility to address it, not my responsibility to accommodate it and between us find a middle ground that worked for both of us.

So yes, they do seem to have a good insight but more often than not take responsibility for it. That is who they are so we are the ones expected to get over it and take responsibility for it. To a point, I do see the logic behind that, you love someone for who they are and you don't try and change that person. The change comes from within because we want to change and grow with that person. Only in these types of situation, we make the changes but are the only ones and are expected to take responsibility for the issues they carry and adapt to accommodate that.

I don't think it's so much they lose the insights, just that they don't want to accept responsibility for them and leave that to the other person to make the change.

[hope2727]

Thanks for the responses.

As her/my T pointed out, because she had awareness of her situation, it was her responsibility to address it, not my responsibility to accommodate it and between us find a middle ground that worked for both of us.

This statement really struck me. Mine always told me stories of his friends who had an issue and one partner took to write huge notes to not trigger the other partner. I pointed out that it was the triggered partners responsibility to get help to over come her issues round that trigger. He would agree but then repeat his behaviour. Weird.

I guess it matters not at all now. I just sometimes still find myself trying to wrap my head around things. It is comforting to know other people have experienced the same things and I am not.was not going crazy.

[Ripped Heart]

Thanks for the responses.

I guess it matters not at all now. I just sometimes still find myself trying to wrap my head around things. It is comforting to know other people have experienced the same things and I am not.was not going crazy.

You are most definitely not going crazy   I think the crazy part of it all is that we actually believed this was normal, acceptable behaviour and adjusted ourselves to allow for it. Looking back, I often ask myself why?

[DyingLove]

I would be the one who threatened to leave. Over our four year relationship I could probably say maybe somewhere between 4 to 6 times. It would only happen after she pushed me into a corner and I had nowhere to go but to lash out what something. That's how she was. I always felt guilty after doing that, and she always rubbed my nose in it. I guess she knew what she was doing.

[raisins3142]

Black mailing, manipulative threats to leaves are different than setting boundaries ("if you do that again, then i can no longer be in this relationship".  It seems you were being emotionally black mailed.

[Gonzalo]

My ex's favorite one was to say "I'll be out of here by Tuesday", though early on she did a big dramatic driving back home thing, and another walking out of a restaurant thing. She seemed to think this was completely normal and OK, and was absolutely shocked the first time I finally had enough and said that I was accepting her breakup. We made up and went to counseling, eventually she started doing it again, and I got her to promise not to by saying that I would take it as a real breakup. Later she did another breakup with me, and I came within inches of accepting the break up, but she managed to talk me into working things out with another promise of not doing it again. Then when the final breakup hit, we had some friends try to help us talk, who sort of convinced us to stay together, but she couldn't keep from telling me the next day that no, she really meant the breakup, and how dare I expect her to stick to her promise. That was the point where I moved on... .

But I see her now posting things about how she was oh so surprised by the breakup, and in one conversation before she moved out said it was "mean" of me to refer to it as her breaking up with me. She apparently saw the threat as real enough that I was supposed to respond to it, but not real enough to 'count' as a breakup. Or maybe it was that if I REALLY loved her, I would fight past the breakup.

[christin5433]

Threats are abuse. Mine always used that tactic to get her way. Definitely don't miss that. I remember during one of our first fights during the honeymoon period she threatened me. I was so mystified in this like what the heck?

Then she was actually on craigslist. Huge red flag. Of course I thought this was seriously immature and it was a constant in my r/s.

she'd just say when she was over the issue I never leave so don't take me seriously ... .

So eventually I didn't take her seriously ... .

I told her, ... T told her,... Friends told her to stop this it was destructive to our stability.

She could never be ok w me? Something was always a problem ?

Then shed apologize ... .A crazy cycle I just adjusted to.

I don't miss that. Glad that's not part of my daily life. It was abuse. It hurt me when she did that. It hurt my feelings, it made me feel insecure , it made me suspicious ... .It has no positive to cry wolf

[raisins3142]

Just saw my ex's withdraw and silence in light of this pattern of abuse.

She would not talk and be sullen and act like my touch was unwelcome.  When she perked up a few times a week, I was so relieved and thankful for a brief time.

I'm sure Stockholm syndrome works like this somewhat.

[hope2727]

Yes mine would be sullen too. He actually outed like a child. Its was exhausting. I would call him on it and he would cry and say "I'll do better" then he would do it again.  I can't believe I still miss him after all of that garbage.

[raisins3142]

Yes mine would be sullen too. He actually outed like a child. Its was exhausting. I would call him on it and he would cry and say "I'll do better" then he would do it again.  I can't believe I still miss him after all of that garbage.

I've read stories about families that tried to adopt children that had antisocial personality disorder, and had to give the kid up for their own safety (as in the 12 year old was trying to stab them).  They expressed profound guilt and missed them nonetheless.

[hope2727]

Yes mine would be sullen too. He actually outed like a child. Its was exhausting. I would call him on it and he would cry and say "I'll do better" then he would do it again.  I can't believe I still miss him after all of that garbage.

I've read stories about families that tried to adopt children that had antisocial personality disorder, and had to give the kid up for their own safety (as in the 12 year old was trying to stab them).  They expressed profound guilt and missed them nonetheless.

I can understand that. I am deeply saddened but the end of our relationship. I miss him terribly. But I know I can't ever be near him again.