Four months after the end of a weird relationship...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi. I'm new here.

I'm in the process of moving on after the end of a four-year relationship with a girl who had BPD. I've spent a few days checking out various topics on the forum but I haven't found one that mirrors my experience. If it's okay, I'd like to just write a little about it.

We were a long-distance relationship. We met on an internet forum and hit it off almost immediately. There was a lot of affection, a lot of sappiness that I really enjoy. It was a very, very sexually satisfying relationship even though we weren't together in person. We had phone sex almost every night and at least once a week (usually more) she would take pictures and videos for me. She was basically my own private 'camgirl'. I loved her very much.

Unfortunately, two things were happening behind the scenes at this time. Firstly, I was still in contact with a prior ex- my high school sweetheart, in fact - via email and we were flirting very heavily. Cybersex type stuff. We were both in relationships but still held a flame for each other, I guess. At the same time, my BPD girlfriend was talking to much older men - I guess it was a fetish or something of hers - and had 'cybersex' with at least one of them. Both these secrets came out two years into the relationship. She considered what we both did to be cheating. I personally felt like they were really awful things to do, but I didn't think it was worth ending the relationship. And, to her credit, she told me willingly about what she did, while my secret had to be discovered by her.

In any case, we probably should have broken up there, but we stayed together. Things got complicated. We met in person four times over the course of the relationship, which was nice. She was diagnosed with BPD, which was not. We still had good times, but she didn't trust me anymore. I gave her access to all of my e-mail accounts and social media, but she never regained her faith in me. I thought about leaving several times, but she often spoke of suicide, and I wanted her to be okay. I worried about leaving her and then hearing about her death. Also, once again, the relationship was really sexually satisfying. We lost our virginity to each other the third time we met. Before I knew her, I was your typical socially awkward geek who got his first kiss in college.

Anyway, last fall she left me. A couple months before we broke up, she had met this other guy and become VERY close friends with him. It bothered me. They began telling each other they loved each other, though she assured me that it was only platonic. I was very suspicious, though, and when one day he told her that he was falling in love with her, I had a talk with my girlfriend. It was very emotional. I told her that I would be more comfortable if she were to stop talking to him. She agreed, but spent the next couple of weeks pining for him and acting very distant. I grew frustrated at her obsession with him and had the breakup talk with her, and asked her if she wanted to be let go, but at the end of the conversation we were still together. This lasted about three weeks. Then she broke up with me one night and within minutes of hanging up with me, declared her new relationship a go. She trashed me on her blog, met up with the new guy two months later, and flooded her blog with pictures of them embracing and kissing and even having sex. It hurt a lot, but I guess maybe I deserved it.

Anyway, that's my story. It seems different from a lot of people's because she was the one to break up with me, and we made it four years without taking any breaks or recycling or any of that - sorry, I'm still learning the terminology. I did think about breaking up with her fairly often, especially once her trust in me evaporated. We had a lot of really passive-aggressive arguments that lasted hours, and oftentimes I'd go to bed exhausted after spending four hours on the phone with her, trying to keep her from self-harming or committing suicide. Yet I stayed because I felt really loved and really needed and (I'm sorry to keep bringing up sex) she was the only girl I'd ever been with who was always ready to please me at any time of day, far away though she was.

I guess I'm here to ask for advice for myself. I'm not recovering as well as I want to be. I'm more obsessed with her now than I ever was during the relationship. I felt like both her boyfriend and her caretaker and guardian. I did my best to steer her away from things that I didn't want her doing - drugs, sex work, flirting with much much older men. I know I probably deserve it for betraying her trust, but it still hurt a lot to see her go to someone else. Apart from a couple moments of weakness in the weeks following the breakup, I haven't been checking her social media or blog, but what I did see crushed me. She was posting about how much happier she is, how much more money her new guy has and how he's taking her on lots of trips all over the country, how much better the sex is, and the aforementioned pictures of the two of them together.

I've done all the typical breakup stuff - I'm exercising, I'm focusing on school and my writing talents, and I've been talking to various girls. Yet I keep comparing them to her - if they don't have her hair color, a similar face shape, a similar body, a similar (almost contradictory) blend of innocence and sexuality - I find myself less interested for each characteristic they're missing.

I guess despite her BPD, I saw a future with her. It was really hard at times but the other areas of the relationship made up for it. What's affected me the hardest is the sudden 180 degree turn. One day last fall, we were being all lovey-dovey and intensely sexual with each other. Then the next day, I was nothing to her. She hated me. She regretted losing her virginity to me. She hated how we didn't get to see each other in person as often as she wanted to. And she despised me for keeping her 'locked up' in her home, though I never EVER forbid her from going out - the nature of the relationship, being mostly long-distance, resulted in us being at home a lot so we could talk to each other.

I'm sorry for going on for so long. I guess, in summary, here's where I need help or at least someone who can sympathize and knows how it feels:

1. I feel so hurt that everything changed so quickly. How we were the closest of friends and lovers one day, and the next, she regretted and resented me.

2. I feel so hurt that she moved on so quickly and is celebrating being with this new guy so much more than she ever celebrated being with me.

3. I feel so stupid for caring so much now. I cared for her very much while I was with her, but I guess I let it all become kind of routine and normal, and now I kick myself for not appreciating what I had. For four years I had someone who would bend over backwards to do sexual stuff with me - even when she was out of the house, she would gladly run to the nearest restroom to take pictures for me and have whispered phone sex with me - and I felt almost worshiped, which was a huge departure from what my life was like before her. It's been a huge loss and I'm not really doing well without that kind of life.

Thanks for your time, I appreciate it so much.

[lebowski]

Hi. I'm new here.

I'm in the process of moving on after the end of a four-year relationship with a girl who had BPD. I've spent a few days checking out various topics on the forum but I haven't found one that mirrors my experience. If it's okay, I'd like to just write a little about it.

We were a long-distance relationship. We met on an internet forum and hit it off almost immediately. There was a lot of affection, a lot of sappiness that I really enjoy. It was a very, very sexually satisfying relationship even though we weren't together in person. We had phone sex almost every night and at least once a week (usually more) she would take pictures and videos for me. She was basically my own private 'camgirl'. I loved her very much.

Unfortunately, two things were happening behind the scenes at this time. Firstly, I was still in contact with a prior ex- my high school sweetheart, in fact - via email and we were flirting very heavily. Cybersex type stuff. We were both in relationships but still held a flame for each other, I guess. At the same time, my BPD girlfriend was talking to much older men - I guess it was a fetish or something of hers - and had 'cybersex' with at least one of them. Both these secrets came out two years into the relationship. She considered what we both did to be cheating. I personally felt like they were really awful things to do, but I didn't think it was worth ending the relationship. And, to her credit, she told me willingly about what she did, while my secret had to be discovered by her.

In any case, we probably should have broken up there, but we stayed together. Things got complicated. We met in person four times over the course of the relationship, which was nice. She was diagnosed with BPD, which was not. We still had good times, but she didn't trust me anymore. I gave her access to all of my e-mail accounts and social media, but she never regained her faith in me. I thought about leaving several times, but she often spoke of suicide, and I wanted her to be okay. I worried about leaving her and then hearing about her death. Also, once again, the relationship was really sexually satisfying. We lost our virginity to each other the third time we met. Before I knew her, I was your typical socially awkward geek who got his first kiss in college.

Anyway, last fall she left me. A couple months before we broke up, she had met this other guy and become VERY close friends with him. It bothered me. They began telling each other they loved each other, though she assured me that it was only platonic. I was very suspicious, though, and when one day he told her that he was falling in love with her, I had a talk with my girlfriend. It was very emotional. I told her that I would be more comfortable if she were to stop talking to him. She agreed, but spent the next couple of weeks pining for him and acting very distant. I grew frustrated at her obsession with him and had the breakup talk with her, and asked her if she wanted to be let go, but at the end of the conversation we were still together. This lasted about three weeks. Then she broke up with me one night and within minutes of hanging up with me, declared her new relationship a go. She trashed me on her blog, met up with the new guy two months later, and flooded her blog with pictures of them embracing and kissing and even having sex. It hurt a lot, but I guess maybe I deserved it.

Anyway, that's my story. It seems different from a lot of people's because she was the one to break up with me, and we made it four years without taking any breaks or recycling or any of that - sorry, I'm still learning the terminology. I did think about breaking up with her fairly often, especially once her trust in me evaporated. We had a lot of really passive-aggressive arguments that lasted hours, and oftentimes I'd go to bed exhausted after spending four hours on the phone with her, trying to keep her from self-harming or committing suicide. Yet I stayed because I felt really loved and really needed and (I'm sorry to keep bringing up sex) she was the only girl I'd ever been with who was always ready to please me at any time of day, far away though she was.

I guess I'm here to ask for advice for myself. I'm not recovering as well as I want to be. I'm more obsessed with her now than I ever was during the relationship. I felt like both her boyfriend and her caretaker and guardian. I did my best to steer her away from things that I didn't want her doing - drugs, sex work, flirting with much much older men. I know I probably deserve it for betraying her trust, but it still hurt a lot to see her go to someone else. Apart from a couple moments of weakness in the weeks following the breakup, I haven't been checking her social media or blog, but what I did see crushed me. She was posting about how much happier she is, how much more money her new guy has and how he's taking her on lots of trips all over the country, how much better the sex is, and the aforementioned pictures of the two of them together.

I've done all the typical breakup stuff - I'm exercising, I'm focusing on school and my writing talents, and I've been talking to various girls. Yet I keep comparing them to her - if they don't have her hair color, a similar face shape, a similar body, a similar (almost contradictory) blend of innocence and sexuality - I find myself less interested for each characteristic they're missing.

I guess despite her BPD, I saw a future with her. It was really hard at times but the other areas of the relationship made up for it. What's affected me the hardest is the sudden 180 degree turn. One day last fall, we were being all lovey-dovey and intensely sexual with each other. Then the next day, I was nothing to her. She hated me. She regretted losing her virginity to me. She hated how we didn't get to see each other in person as often as she wanted to. And she despised me for keeping her 'locked up' in her home, though I never EVER forbid her from going out - the nature of the relationship, being mostly long-distance, resulted in us being at home a lot so we could talk to each other.

I'm sorry for going on for so long. I guess, in summary, here's where I need help or at least someone who can sympathize and knows how it feels:

1. I feel so hurt that everything changed so quickly. How we were the closest of friends and lovers one day, and the next, she regretted and resented me.

2. I feel so hurt that she moved on so quickly and is celebrating being with this new guy so much more than she ever celebrated being with me.

3. I feel so stupid for caring so much now. I cared for her very much while I was with her, but I guess I let it all become kind of routine and normal, and now I kick myself for not appreciating what I had. For four years I had someone who would bend over backwards to do sexual stuff with me - even when she was out of the house, she would gladly run to the nearest restroom to take pictures for me and have whispered phone sex with me - and I felt almost worshiped, which was a huge departure from what my life was like before her. It's been a huge loss and I'm not really doing well without that kind of life.

Thanks for your time, I appreciate it so much.

[jammo1989]

Hi. I'm new here.

I'm in the process of moving on after the end of a four-year relationship with a girl who had BPD. I've spent a few days checking out various topics on the forum but I haven't found one that mirrors my experience. If it's okay, I'd like to just write a little about it.

We were a long-distance relationship. We met on an internet forum and hit it off almost immediately. There was a lot of affection, a lot of sappiness that I really enjoy. It was a very, very sexually satisfying relationship even though we weren't together in person. We had phone sex almost every night and at least once a week (usually more) she would take pictures and videos for me. She was basically my own private 'camgirl'. I loved her very much.

Unfortunately, two things were happening behind the scenes at this time. Firstly, I was still in contact with a prior ex- my high school sweetheart, in fact - via email and we were flirting very heavily. Cybersex type stuff. We were both in relationships but still held a flame for each other, I guess. At the same time, my BPD girlfriend was talking to much older men - I guess it was a fetish or something of hers - and had 'cybersex' with at least one of them. Both these secrets came out two years into the relationship. She considered what we both did to be cheating. I personally felt like they were really awful things to do, but I didn't think it was worth ending the relationship. And, to her credit, she told me willingly about what she did, while my secret had to be discovered by her.

In any case, we probably should have broken up there, but we stayed together. Things got complicated. We met in person four times over the course of the relationship, which was nice. She was diagnosed with BPD, which was not. We still had good times, but she didn't trust me anymore. I gave her access to all of my e-mail accounts and social media, but she never regained her faith in me. I thought about leaving several times, but she often spoke of suicide, and I wanted her to be okay. I worried about leaving her and then hearing about her death. Also, once again, the relationship was really sexually satisfying. We lost our virginity to each other the third time we met. Before I knew her, I was your typical socially awkward geek who got his first kiss in college.

Anyway, last fall she left me. A couple months before we broke up, she had met this other guy and become VERY close friends with him. It bothered me. They began telling each other they loved each other, though she assured me that it was only platonic. I was very suspicious, though, and when one day he told her that he was falling in love with her, I had a talk with my girlfriend. It was very emotional. I told her that I would be more comfortable if she were to stop talking to him. She agreed, but spent the next couple of weeks pining for him and acting very distant. I grew frustrated at her obsession with him and had the breakup talk with her, and asked her if she wanted to be let go, but at the end of the conversation we were still together. This lasted about three weeks. Then she broke up with me one night and within minutes of hanging up with me, declared her new relationship a go. She trashed me on her blog, met up with the new guy two months later, and flooded her blog with pictures of them embracing and kissing and even having sex. It hurt a lot, but I guess maybe I deserved it.

Anyway, that's my story. It seems different from a lot of people's because she was the one to break up with me, and we made it four years without taking any breaks or recycling or any of that - sorry, I'm still learning the terminology. I did think about breaking up with her fairly often, especially once her trust in me evaporated. We had a lot of really passive-aggressive arguments that lasted hours, and oftentimes I'd go to bed exhausted after spending four hours on the phone with her, trying to keep her from self-harming or committing suicide. Yet I stayed because I felt really loved and really needed and (I'm sorry to keep bringing up sex) she was the only girl I'd ever been with who was always ready to please me at any time of day, far away though she was.

I guess I'm here to ask for advice for myself. I'm not recovering as well as I want to be. I'm more obsessed with her now than I ever was during the relationship. I felt like both her boyfriend and her caretaker and guardian. I did my best to steer her away from things that I didn't want her doing - drugs, sex work, flirting with much much older men. I know I probably deserve it for betraying her trust, but it still hurt a lot to see her go to someone else. Apart from a couple moments of weakness in the weeks following the breakup, I haven't been checking her social media or blog, but what I did see crushed me. She was posting about how much happier she is, how much more money her new guy has and how he's taking her on lots of trips all over the country, how much better the sex is, and the aforementioned pictures of the two of them together.

I've done all the typical breakup stuff - I'm exercising, I'm focusing on school and my writing talents, and I've been talking to various girls. Yet I keep comparing them to her - if they don't have her hair color, a similar face shape, a similar body, a similar (almost contradictory) blend of innocence and sexuality - I find myself less interested for each characteristic they're missing.

I guess despite her BPD, I saw a future with her. It was really hard at times but the other areas of the relationship made up for it. What's affected me the hardest is the sudden 180 degree turn. One day last fall, we were being all lovey-dovey and intensely sexual with each other. Then the next day, I was nothing to her. She hated me. She regretted losing her virginity to me. She hated how we didn't get to see each other in person as often as she wanted to. And she despised me for keeping her 'locked up' in her home, though I never EVER forbid her from going out - the nature of the relationship, being mostly long-distance, resulted in us being at home a lot so we could talk to each other.

I'm sorry for going on for so long. I guess, in summary, here's where I need help or at least someone who can sympathize and knows how it feels:

1. I feel so hurt that everything changed so quickly. How we were the closest of friends and lovers one day, and the next, she regretted and resented me.

2. I feel so hurt that she moved on so quickly and is celebrating being with this new guy so much more than she ever celebrated being with me.

3. I feel so stupid for caring so much now. I cared for her very much while I was with her, but I guess I let it all become kind of routine and normal, and now I kick myself for not appreciating what I had. For four years I had someone who would bend over backwards to do sexual stuff with me - even when she was out of the house, she would gladly run to the nearest restroom to take pictures for me and have whispered phone sex with me - and I felt almost worshiped, which was a huge departure from what my life was like before her. It's been a huge loss and I'm not really doing well without that kind of life.

Thanks for your time, I appreciate it so much.

Hey Lebowski, I only had to read the first 6 lines to tell you exactly whats up, My ex was exactly the same and im extremely knowledgeable on the subject.  Im not a physiologist by any means but I can tell you now she sounds very much HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder) HPD is slightly different from BPD, although these traits can be Co, morbid she sounds more HPD.