Wife going downhill again - refuses therapy

[Celebrant]

Well the winter's been rough for everyone in the North East. I am accused of being distant, abandoning, and unwilling to accept responsibility for the troubles we've had (this time around).

I am in therapy myself to deal with this and occasional thoughts of leaving this 20+ year marriage.

She is depressed, feels hopeless, hates her life even though we both have good jobs a nice apartment, friends and family who love us. She feels like "she sucks" and can't understand why I sometimes need to get away. I try the 'eggshell' techniques, validate her feelings and try to set boundaries while controlling my own frustration with a seemingly irrational view of life. :'( :'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Celebrant, 

Welcome aboard!

I understand how frustrating it is to be blamed for everything in a person with BPD's (pwBPD) life.     The lack of accepting responsibility for behavior is very common amongst pwBPD.  Most of us here have been profusely blamed for things.  PwBPD tend to use coping mechanisms to avoid their own behaviors, feelings, and emotions.

Depressivity is common characteristic of BPD.  A pwBPD will frequently feel down, miserable, hopeless. Also, there is a tendency for a pwBPD to have pessimistic views about the future and low self-worth/self-loathing. It is very difficult for a pwBPD to recovery from this mood.  Unfortunately, the core of BPD is emotional dysregulation. PwBPD have a very difficult time regulating and controlling negative emotions, such as shame, anger, and sadness.   

It is a great start using communication techniques/validation/boundaries. It does take a bit of time, but I have seen significant progress with my pwBPD.  How does your wife respond to the communication techniques? Is your wife currently in therapy?

Therapy is a great way for us non-BPD partners to cope. The most important thing for those in a relationship with a pwBPD is to take care of ourselves first.  In addition to my own therapy, I have been practicing mindfulness. It has really helped me out when I feel stressed out from my bf's behavior.  Take a look at this article, it really made a difference for me.

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind