How to deal with them making you look like the crazy one?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Without going into much detail here is a short of what happened recently.

I let my ex BPD husband move back in with me. He flipped out one night and attacked me in the middle of the night. The verbal assault lasted all 3-day weekend and I finally could not take it anymore. I changed locks, reported the assault to the police and went to get restraining order in court the next business day.

But he did enough damage - he took mine and my daughter's passports and my green card. I reported them stolen and he must have felt bad about it so he returned to me through his ex-gf that he moved back with (yes I know it sounds crazy). But that's not the end of it. I put my documents on the kitchen table and i was going to review to make sure everything is ok. Since I had my locks changed I didnt think I should be securing them better. But the next day he unexpectedly came with the police to retrieve his belongings. He was walking all over my place and no one followed him around. After he left, my documents were gone again... .I called and asked him to return them but he denied taking them, I begged through his girfriend but she kept saying he does not have them. They even involved my daughter because she had thought she saw them in my glove compartment in my car (which turned out to be car manual, not my documents). Anyway, I knew in my heart that he took them but everyone, including his mom that was somewhat on my side, seemed to think I was insane and I simply misplaced or lost them. I even turned my whole house upside down doubting myself to look  for them but they were just nowhere to be found... .

Fast forward to today. This morning I was making my regular smoothie and I was reaching to my fruit bowl for a banana to find out with shock that the documents are there. I was puzzled and did not know how they got there. Then I deducted everything. The fruit bowl was on a table close to the back door. That door I never changed the locks in and every day I made sure I put the chain on so he cant get in when I'm out. When you open the door with the chain on,  you can get just enough room to stretch your arm through and reach to fruit bowl. That's how my documents got back in there.

I texted his gf asking her to say thank you to him for returning the documents, but also to let her know that some documents were missing. She went off on me saying that I'm insane, that I'm manipulative and that I had the documents there the whole time and now that I found them I pretend to be the bigger person and saying thank you! She told me to stop with the bull___ if I want her to continue communicating with her to schedule my daighter's visits. She believed my ex when he said he had nothing to do with the documents being missing and she believed him saying I'm the crazy and manipulative person here. I'm completely at a loss of what to say and think. I don't really care what she thinks about me and I feel really sorry for her because she is now where I used to be - lied to, manipulated and taken advantage of.

I just dont know how it's possible for them to turn everything around so well as to make themselves look like the victim. His gf even said once to me to stop the eternal victim mentality when I was trying to explain to her what happened that one day when I had to change the locks. She took his side and they even managed to convince my daughter that i'm the crazy one!

How do you deal with all that? How do you prove to people that you are not the crazy one?

[newlifeBPDfree]

Without going into much detail here is a short of what happened recently.

I let my ex BPD husband move back in with me. He flipped out one night and attacked me in the middle of the night. The verbal assault lasted all 3-day weekend and I finally could not take it anymore. I changed locks, reported the assault to the police and went to get restraining order in court the next business day.

But he did enough damage - he took mine and my daughter's passports and my green card. I reported them stolen and he must have felt bad about it so he returned to me through his ex-gf that he moved back with (yes I know it sounds crazy). But that's not the end of it. I put my documents on the kitchen table and i was going to review to make sure everything is ok. Since I had my locks changed I didnt think I should be securing them better. But the next day he unexpectedly came with the police to retrieve his belongings. He was walking all over my place and no one followed him around. After he left, my documents were gone again... .I called and asked him to return them but he denied taking them, I begged through his girfriend but she kept saying he does not have them. They even involved my daughter because she had thought she saw them in my glove compartment in my car (which turned out to be car manual, not my documents). Anyway, I knew in my heart that he took them but everyone, including his mom that was somewhat on my side, seemed to think I was insane and I simply misplaced or lost them. I even turned my whole house upside down doubting myself to look  for them but they were just nowhere to be found... .

Fast forward to today. This morning I was making my regular smoothie and I was reaching to my fruit bowl for a banana to find out with shock that the documents are there. I was puzzled and did not know how they got there. Then I deducted everything. The fruit bowl was on a table close to the back door. That door I never changed the locks in and every day I made sure I put the chain on so he cant get in when I'm out. When you open the door with the chain on,  you can get just enough room to stretch your arm through and reach to fruit bowl. That's how my documents got back in there.

I texted his gf asking her to say thank you to him for returning the documents, but also to let her know that some documents were missing. She went off on me saying that I'm insane, that I'm manipulative and that I had the documents there the whole time and now that I found them I pretend to be the bigger person and saying thank you! She told me to stop with the bull___ if I want her to continue communicating with her to schedule my daighter's visits. She believed my ex when he said he had nothing to do with the documents being missing and she believed him saying I'm the crazy and manipulative person here. I'm completely at a loss of what to say and think. I don't really care what she thinks about me and I feel really sorry for her because she is now where I used to be - lied to, manipulated and taken advantage of.

I just dont know how it's possible for them to turn everything around so well as to make themselves look like the victim. His gf even said once to me to stop the eternal victim mentality when I was trying to explain to her what happened that one day when I had to change the locks. She took his side and they even managed to convince my daughter that i'm the crazy one!

How do you deal with all that? How do you prove to people that you are not the crazy one?

[tjay933]

I am truly sorry you went through all that mess. I'm glad you have your documents back too. most BPDs are very good at twisting things around and convincing others that they are right-they are very practiced and experienced at this. Most people who aren't in their web of lies can see clearly the facts. Those in their web will eventually figure it out as well when things don't add up in their minds. I found that many people came out of the woodwork after we split to say they could see something was wrong when we were together. Many people may just be agreeing with him to keep him calm but inside are knowing what is real and not real. I'm sure that those who have eyes will be able to see that you are NOT crazy. Eventually your daughter will also see the truth-she may even see it now but doesn't dare say so for fear of repercussions. She also may not be old enough to comprehend that an adult may be lying to her at this time but will eventually.

By all means, keep writing here as it can be very therapeutic and also can leave something for other people to learn from your experiences. It always feels good to get it all out.

Stay safe.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I am truly sorry you went through all that mess. I'm glad you have your documents back too. most BPDs are very good at twisting things around and convincing others that they are right-they are very practiced and experienced at this. Most people who aren't in their web of lies can see clearly the facts. Those in their web will eventually figure it out as well when things don't add up in their minds. I found that many people came out of the woodwork after we split to say they could see something was wrong when we were together. Many people may just be agreeing with him to keep him calm but inside are knowing what is real and not real. I'm sure that those who have eyes will be able to see that you are NOT crazy. Eventually your daughter will also see the truth-she may even see it now but doesn't dare say so for fear of repercussions. She also may not be old enough to comprehend that an adult may be lying to her at this time but will eventually.

By all means, keep writing here as it can be very therapeutic and also can leave something for other people to learn from your experiences. It always feels good to get it all out.

Stay safe.

You are right, some of my friends did let me know after the split that there is something off about him. For example he is known for "taking a mile when offered an inch". They also told me abotu him being tactless and communicating with my daughter's friend's mom through my daughter when she had a playdate at their house instead of directly talking to the mom. Little things like that showed them i'm telling the truth. I guess I should really not worry about his gf believing me. For some reason it bothers me and I would everyone to believe me and see the truth but I just have to accept the fact that I cannot really control that.

[tjay933]

mine still take a mile when given an inch. so now I can't even give him an inch-that makes me look bad but so be it.

none of us want to be seen as untruthful especially when we are truthful and I can understand why you would feel that way about wanting her to understand/believe you. eventually she will-that you can be sure of. some who used to take "his side" and believe him now are understanding just how screwed up he is-now they do at least and all agree that he is beyond any amount of help he insists I need to give him. it's currently taking a whole team of men to take care of him-something little ol' me isn't capable of doing-not to mention his bad attitude about women in general-we are all liars, cheat, manipulators, scammers, etc etc. I did none of those things and could never understand why he would accuse me of such until I realized he was messed up.

in the meantime, feel free to write as much as you feel as it helps everyone. 

and stay safe.

[Tibbles]

They are so good at manipulating and twisting things. What helps me is I remember that to them feelings are facts. They will twist what we see as facts to fit their feelings and in doing so come up with completely different "facts".  It is like me and my ex are speaking two different languages and there is no common ground. eg you can't reason with a Aussie by speaking Chinese to him, it ain't gunna work.

People your ex speaks to are getting his version and in it you are painted black, that is his reality. (Not the reality that the rest of humanity lives in but that's beside the point  ) You cannot fight that. For me I have learnt to shrug and accept some people believe him and those that matter to me know what he says is not the whole truth. It's hard and at times has been unbelievably frustrating but I've had to learn to let go or else I would just keep butting my head against a brick wall and get a headache and achieve absolutely nothing.