23.5 years and still miserable (but hopeful)

[Proverbs27:15]

23.5 years and still miserable (but hopeful)!  tired of being drawn into senseless arguments, being accused of saying things I did not say or doing things I did not do, walking on eggshells, and having no friends because my SO becomes extremely jealous and has intense abandonment and control issues. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Looking for tools to stop reacting in ways that keep me on the treadmill of misery.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Loosestrife]

What keeps you in the relationship?

[tjay933]

Welcome

Thought I replied to this one but obviously I didn't.

There are lots of people here that have been where you are and we are great listeners if that's all you want or will try to help as best we can. there are lessons here as well that help us to understand ourselves and how to deal with other people.

Welcome.

[Proverbs27:15]

Welcome

Thought I replied to this one but obviously I didn't.

There are lots of people here that have been where you are and we are great listeners if that's all you want or will try to help as best we can. there are lessons here as well that help us to understand ourselves and how to deal with other people.

Welcome.

Thanks.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Proverbs27:15, 

Welcome aboard.  23.5 years is a very long time to be in a relationship. I am sorry that you are going through this.   I understand how coping with erratic, dramatic, and confusing behavior can make you miserable.    There are many of us here who have felt the same way.

Being hopeful and having a positive attitude is a great start to improving your relationship with your person with BPD (pwBPD).  The motto here on the staying board is, "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." This motto has been the foundation of improving my relationship with my bf.  Prior to learning about BPD and ways us non-BPD partners can improve our relationship, my behavior and actions added fuel to the fire. This site has wonderful tools and people to help improve your relationship. Learning communication tools have made a drastic improvement in my relationship.  Here is a link to get you started.   

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

You mentioned quite a few maladaptive behaviors, which ones are you having the hardest time coping with?

 

[Proverbs27:15]

What keeps you in the relationship?

I don't know. In part, I don't want to hurt her; religious prohibitions regarding divorce; pride, i.e., not wanting to admit the marriage has failed; co-parenting an adult handicapped child; financial entanglements. Left once for 6 months. Was lured back. After about a week the my Kafkaesque nightmare resumed. Whenever the brief separation comes up I am told I left her though she put my clothes in garbage bags, set them out and told me to leave. The facts never matter. Only her feelings.

[Turkish]

What keeps you in the relationship?

I don't know. In part, I don't want to hurt her; religious prohibitions regarding divorce; pride, i.e., not wanting to admit the marriage has failed; co-parenting an adult handicapped child; financial entanglements. Left once for 6 months. Was lured back. After about a week the my Kafkaesque nightmare resumed. Whenever the brief separation comes up I am told I left her though she put my clothes in garbage bags, set them out and told me to leave. The facts never matter. Only her feelings.

Hello, Proverbs27:15, I'd like the join the others and say

These are all reasons to stay, and many of us can relate to staying for similar reasons. How old is your child, and does he or she live with you? I can certainly see how that would add to the stress, especially for a pwBPD (person with BPD) who suffers from emotional dysregulation.

What you said in the last is similar to what we say here, "feelings are facts" to a pwBPD.

The communication tools that EaglesJuJu are a good place to start learning perhaps trying a different approach. The lessons are at the top of the board and to the right in the side-bar--->

It can certainly be hurtful for someone to tell us we are horrible and to get lost, and then switch like a light and say the opposite, that they need us. It's understandable that you were lured back. You've been with her a long time.

Christine Ann Lawson, author of Understanding The Borderline Mother, says:

"Abuse from someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than abuse from a stranger."

You can easily walk away from a stranger.

[Proverbs27:15]

Hi Proverbs27:15,  

Welcome aboard.  23.5 years is a very long time to be in a relationship. I am sorry that you are going through this.   I understand how coping with erratic, dramatic, and confusing behavior can make you miserable.    There are many of us here who have felt the same way.

Being hopeful and having a positive attitude is a great start to improving your relationship with your person with BPD (pwBPD).  The motto here on the staying board is, "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse." This motto has been the foundation of improving my relationship with my bf.  Prior to learning about BPD and ways us non-BPD partners can improve our relationship, my behavior and actions added fuel to the fire. This site has wonderful tools and people to help improve your relationship. Learning communication tools have made a drastic improvement in my relationship.  Here is a link to get you started.  

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

You mentioned quite a few maladaptive behaviors, which ones are you having the hardest time coping with?

 

Wanting to prove that I'm right or point out that my SO is not being honest, fair or dealing with reality, facts or logic. I know it is pointless but I always fall into the same trap.

[Wrongturn1]

Proverbs27:15:  Welcome!  And that's a great handle you have there.  My other favorite BPD wife bible verse is Proverbs 21:9... .sometimes I feel like sleeping on the roof at home.