Ability to take a 3rd person look at yourself

[LittleMilly]

On these boards, we are all very good at offering advice, pulling from our experiences to help each other. I have unfortunately had to step away from the boards for a while now and in doing so, I have developed a very critical, sometimes clinically cold, way to view myself and my current relationships. I realised that after my breakup with pwBPD (3 years NC), I picked relationships that were destined to fail which meant I didn't have to fully commit to them. Why did I want this? Because I didn't want to get hurt. I needed an escape plan.

I have even analysed my current relationship, it does not have an escape plan, it does not need to be fixed, it is with someone I trust and know well, all with not a single  in sight. I do occasionally worry though, that I have put up too many barriers and blockades, maybe I am playing it too safe. However, I am happy with my partner 

Is anyone else able to take this 3rd person view of themselves? Apply cold criticism to their relationships, probing each decision until a satisfactory answer is reached? Or am I seen as over analysing things?

[Pingo]

Hi LittleMilly, there's a difference between over-analysing and being objective. Over-analysing can be a coping mechanism, a way to avoid getting to the heart of the feelings involved. I should know, I'm a master at it! Being objective is taking an honest look at yourself without the coping mechanisms. Without the distortions. If you can do this, it's a sign of real progress (according to my T). It's like looking at yourself in your own story (like watching a movie perhaps) and seeing things without illusion or fantasy. Is this what you mean by a 3rd person view?

[LittleMilly]

That is exactly it Pingo, a very objective view. I think I went through the over analysing phase for maybe a year or more, and I was usually analysing others rather than my own intentions. Now, like you said, I can see myself as if watching a movie, questioning and interpreting why I am doing things; why I did that, what was my intention.

After all, our own actions are the only ones we can change, so what is the point in analysing someone elses? I am glad I am not the only own who has gone or is going through this, I am sure that you will start to limit your over-analysis soon too Pingo 

[Grey Kitty]

I have even analysed my current relationship, it does not have an escape plan, it does not need to be fixed, it is with someone I trust and know well, all with not a single  in sight. I do occasionally worry though, that I have put up too many barriers and blockades, maybe I am playing it too safe. However, I am happy with my partner 

Do you feel like you have healed something in yourself that made you ready for this, from the prior destined-to-fail relationships?

You mention playing it safe... .what are you afraid of that you are protecting yourself from by doing this?

[tjay933]

I don't know if we can really help ourselves without taking a third party view at ourselves. i feel that is the best way to see our own problems and how to know if we want to fix them or not. if we see our problems as others view them, then we are in a better position to know our motives and intentions behind them to know ourselves better.

[LittleMilly]

Do you feel like you have healed something in yourself that made you ready for this, from the prior destined-to-fail relationships?

You mention playing it safe... .what are you afraid of that you are protecting yourself from by doing this?

Those are very good points Grey Kitty. I have been healing for 3 years now. (This might sound odd... .but it has worked well for me... .) Subconsciously, I had very much separated my physical and emotional self to the point where my emotional self took on a very visual being in my head and I'd often draw her to see what she looked like. During the other, destined to fail relationships, she was plagued by injury and sickness and every time I drew her, she still had bandages or other ailments. Now, emotional me still has scars, but they are fading and I feel that she is almost perfectly in line with physical me now.

Playing it safe, I am protecting emotional me. I am afraid that I will get sucked into an abusive r/s again and be back to square one. But I also know what to look out for, so I am thinking that it won't happen, I just worry that it will. Does that make sense?

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, it does make sense, and your imagery is really sweet.

I'm interested in the separation between your emotional self and your physical self. I think that needing to keep her separate so she can heal was needed, but as she gets stronger, she can be integrated with the rest of you. Perhaps that is the next step of healing for you?

Playing it safe, I am protecting emotional me. I am afraid that I will get sucked into an abusive r/s again and be back to square one.

Being vulnerable is what you have to do to get true intimacy. (Are you familiar with Brené Brown's work there?)

I've found that when I'm feeling strong, I'm willing and able to be open, and reach out... .knowing that there is a risk I will get hurt.

Some of that has been trusting my new and improved judgement--I'm choosing to be vulnerable with a new class of friends as I'm going through the (near-certain) end of my marriage. The people I'm choosing have so amazingly exceeded my expectations of them when I've been vulnerable and asked for support. I've also chosen to ask for different kinds of support from different people, knowing who they are and what they are capable of providing for me. (For example, my parents are very supportive, but not on a deep emotional level. I don't expect that of them, and haven't given them an opportunity there. At a more shallow emotional level (plus logistical/financial), they've been THERE for me.)

My other vulnerability is with my wife--she is high functioning, and is growing and changing. Even though I'm nearly done with our marriage, I've still reached out to her. Knowing that she hasn't been able to offer me what I want and need in a marriage, and likely won't step up this time. However I felt that I wanted to give her yet another chance to step up if she wants to.

I've taken the risk of being vulnerable with her as well. VERY CAREFULLY. Only doing it when I was feeling strong and open, and in the right place--other times I'm feeling crappy, weak, and lost, and I feel that and protect myself from doing something stupid by not engaging with my wife on an emotional level at that time.

I hope my example is relevant to you.

I hope you find you do find the strength to be vulnerable in your new relationship.

Most of all, I hope you choose to be vulnerable wisely, using your judgement and intuition to work out who is safe to do it with, and giving them a chance to prove that they are safe before moving on to bigger and deeper levels.

[LittleMilly]

Sorry tj933, I didn't see your post earlier! But yes, you're exactly right

Grey Kitty; I am not familiar with Brené Brown's work, I will have to look it up

Thank you for your example, it has made things clearer for me I think. I am sorry to hear that your marriage is ending, but I think it is very brave of you to give your wife opportunities to step up, I guess you have distanced yourself or strengthened yourself enough emotionally to understand and be prepared to be knocked by by her.

My relationship is very different. We are in a (very) long distance r/s and we have already dated in the past, so I know he is a safe option. I feel I can allow myself to be vulnerable with him as I already know he isn't going to hurt me. This is also why I think I might be playing it too safe, I am very happy in the r/s, but a small part of me thinks I have chosen him because I already know him so well and the chance of me getting hurt physically is 0, and emotionally is small.

[Blimblam]

Well recently I decided to just really listen to people.  Not judge and listen.  The trouble is deciphering between counter transference projective identification and empathy.  But it is starting to become like the neo in the matrix for me when I really talk to people. 

What I nottice is people reveal a lot of information they themselves are not even aware of completely.

[Grey Kitty]

This video of Brené Brown's TED talk on vulnerability is a great start: www.youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

Yes, I did get quite the emotional knock from her yesterday. Still reeling. However honestly, what she did was the best thing she could do for me today. We spent ~3 hours where I was giving her her things from the boat and discussing which of "our" things she was going to take. That was obviously tough... .but we both knew it was time to do this.

As for our marriage, we knew that we weren't going to be living together on the boat any time soon (prior life plan, pretty much written off). I had some hope that she was willing to work on our marriage/relationship, and that there might be some other chance for us. She confirmed what her actions have been saying for a while--that she doesn't want to make a marriage work with me.

[LittleMilly]

Thank you for the link Grey Kitty, very insightful! I hope the end of your marriage isn't too difficult, it sounds like she is being fairly cooperative though. Do you want the marriage to end, or are you still hoping for her to reconsider?

Blimblam,

I do not really listen to people too much now, I focus much more on what they do; their actions rather than their words. Maybe that is something I need to work on? DO you find it is working for you?

[Blimblam]

Well yea their actions vs what they sort of project at me. And how it triggers me.  Sort of detaching from how they trigger me. Sometimes I realize after the fact but I spend time contemplating it.

[Grey Kitty]

  Thanks, LittleMilly. I'm trying to let myself feel the end of my marriage--I keep finding lots of painful times. Fortunately, my wife isn't being very combative or difficult about the split. There's nothing she can do to make the clear rejection easy for me though. Saying she's sorry that I'm hurting doesn't help much.

Do I hope she would reconsider? I've pretty much given up on that hope.

If she continues to work on her own issues (I know she is doing some, but not the details.), she could possibly change her mind. I'm not so far away from her that I wouldn't consider taking her back in in the right circumstances. Right now, I don't see her either trying to come back... .or if she did, trying to do it the way I would need in a marriage with her.


Your current relationship sounds pretty limited in the amount of emotional vulnerability you are willing to risk/put in it. Partly by the structure of it, being long distance, and partly because he doesn't sound very emotionally available to you.

Do you think you are choosing an emotionally unavailable / emotionally limited relationship with him because it is what you need or want right now? Or because your intuition tells you that going deeper than that with HIM isn't safe? Or door #3: ?

[LittleMilly]

Do you think you are choosing an emotionally unavailable / emotionally limited relationship with him because it is what you need or want right now? Or because your intuition tells you that going deeper than that with HIM isn't safe? Or door #3: ?

We do talk daily and are counting down the days until we next see each other. I know that going deeper with him is safe (I've been there before, no crazy skeletons in the closet!), but I do think that subconsciously, I do need a relationship with this emotional barrier for a while at least, just until emotional me is back to 100%. I watched the youtube video you suggested, it makes a lot of sense and I think I am pretty open and vulnerable with him, but like you said, it is limited because of the limited time we get to spend together.


Your breakup does sound painful, I guess you can come to terms with it as much as possible now but can't really 'grieve' until it is over.

[Blimblam]

Little kitty,

From an outside view I do see investing a lot into a very long distance relationship as a  .  Proximity is important. 

It's like we have roles for others to play in our internal script and if somone falls into that role we love them because it's part of the script. The other person has this goin on to.  What I do now is try to seperate the fact that I might fit some role on the others persons script and they look at me in a way that triggers the image that they are the person in my script.  I seperate myself from that now, well at least I try to and analyze what that other person really needs rather than wanting them to be that person in my script.