I feel like I got closure tonight.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, I decided that I needed closure.

We both knew the relationship is unhealthy, and it has really, really, been a struggle for me.  So, this afternoon I called a long time friend of mine.  I've spoken with him about this before, and he always has some reasonable input.

He told me:

Listen, you are the CEO of your life.  Sometimes you have to make decisions that you don't WANT to make, but you make them because they are the right thing for you.  In this case, he knows I've struggled with ending the relationship.  It seems like we've been "breaking up" for 2.5-3 years, but can never quite stop seeing each other.

Well, this last breakup she's decided to see other people, and that was really getting to me.

I have had enough.  This is the perfect opportunity for me to focus on me and get out of this hellish nightmare that I've perpetuated.

He said:  I know you've been having trouble with this for a while, so think about it...   You can probably keep going on like this for years with her.  You've been wasting so much emotional energy on her, and you have nothing to show for it.  Where do you want to be 20 years from now, 10 years from now, 5 years from now, 1 year from now?  Write out a plan.   Can you accomplish those things with her in your life?  Think about your children and how you're going to elevate them, instead of letting this woman consume your energy.  You still have time!

He is right.  Of course I knew all of these things, but I've never really gave thought about the consequences of continuing the relationship.  I was so busy just trying to feel okay, and not beat down, that I lost perspective.  Honestly, it was like I gave my life over to her, and let her dictate the course of my day based on my interactions with her (and her moods).  Was it a good ex day, or a bad ex day, people would ask me.

That is over.

Here's what I did:

I've been carrying around some Christmas ornaments in the back of my Jeep, things that we bought when we were together that I intended to return.  She told me she wanted the stuff back if I wasn't going to use it.  Also, I was keeping some pictures of us with all of our kids from just before Christmas of 2011.  I would see them when I got in my Jeep to drive, and it always triggered me emotionally.

I took the pictures and bag of ornaments over to her house, and left it near the door where she would find it as she was coming in.

I went to her house at 9pm and asked her if she found all of the ornaments and the pictures.  She said she had, that she put the ornaments in her attic, and threw the pictures away, because she had copies of them, and if I didn't want my copies, then "that's fine".

I said:  "Listen, you said you want to heal and move on; so do I.  I can't keep Christmas ornaments and pictures around, because those things are emotionally loaded and trigger me."

I spoke with her for about 20 minutes:

I said:  We need to be adults about this.  I'm sorry for all of the stuff we've been through, and I know I made mistakes, but the intent was never to hurt you, and I assume your intentions were likewise good.  I told her I love her, and I wish the best for her.  This isn't easy for me, but it is the best thing for both of us, and that I will be okay in time.  I told her I have my kids to take care of, and my responsibility to them, so I will make it.  She has her kids, and her business to run, so she needs to take care of herself, and she will be okay too.  It's not the end of the world, even though it might feel like it right now, it isn't.

I could tell that she was on the verge of tears, so I know it this has been hard for her too, which let me know I wasn't alone in the difficulty of "breaking up".

I gave her a hug and told her I wish her the best.

She walked me to the door, and I left.

It was the conversation I wanted to have with her two or three years ago, but I never really could bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I know it's going to be extremely difficult to keep away from her.  She lives only 2 miles away, and it's easy to see her, especially when she invites me over for dinner, or to play cards, or etc.

But, I do not want to let her hurt me anymore, and now that she declared to me that she has decided to pursue outside relationships - no more.

She briefly mentioned that she was going to move on and see other people, to which I said:

That's good!  :)o whatever is necessary to heal and move on with your life.  We've both struggled too long with this burden, and we've been stuck for too long.  We both know this isn't going to get any better.


She said something about:  You know, if you don't let me move on, that's just one more way of showing me you don't love me!

I said:  Hey, I'm not going to this doesn't hurt, because it does, but I don't control you.  You do whatever you want.  I'm not interested in controlling you, that's your job.

Anyway, I think it went well.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, or the next day, or the next day, but I do know that I feel as though a huge burden has been lifted, and I am going to take a completely different approach to my life.

[rg1976]

So, I decided that I needed closure.

We both knew the relationship is unhealthy, and it has really, really, been a struggle for me.  So, this afternoon I called a long time friend of mine.  I've spoken with him about this before, and he always has some reasonable input.

He told me:

Listen, you are the CEO of your life.  Sometimes you have to make decisions that you don't WANT to make, but you make them because they are the right thing for you.  In this case, he knows I've struggled with ending the relationship.  It seems like we've been "breaking up" for 2.5-3 years, but can never quite stop seeing each other.

Well, this last breakup she's decided to see other people, and that was really getting to me.

I have had enough.  This is the perfect opportunity for me to focus on me and get out of this hellish nightmare that I've perpetuated.

He said:  I know you've been having trouble with this for a while, so think about it...   You can probably keep going on like this for years with her.  You've been wasting so much emotional energy on her, and you have nothing to show for it.  Where do you want to be 20 years from now, 10 years from now, 5 years from now, 1 year from now?  Write out a plan.   Can you accomplish those things with her in your life?  Think about your children and how you're going to elevate them, instead of letting this woman consume your energy.  You still have time!

He is right.  Of course I knew all of these things, but I've never really gave thought about the consequences of continuing the relationship.  I was so busy just trying to feel okay, and not beat down, that I lost perspective.  Honestly, it was like I gave my life over to her, and let her dictate the course of my day based on my interactions with her (and her moods).  Was it a good ex day, or a bad ex day, people would ask me.

That is over.

Here's what I did:

I've been carrying around some Christmas ornaments in the back of my Jeep, things that we bought when we were together that I intended to return.  She told me she wanted the stuff back if I wasn't going to use it.  Also, I was keeping some pictures of us with all of our kids from just before Christmas of 2011.  I would see them when I got in my Jeep to drive, and it always triggered me emotionally.

I took the pictures and bag of ornaments over to her house, and left it near the door where she would find it as she was coming in.

I went to her house at 9pm and asked her if she found all of the ornaments and the pictures.  She said she had, that she put the ornaments in her attic, and threw the pictures away, because she had copies of them, and if I didn't want my copies, then "that's fine".

I said:  "Listen, you said you want to heal and move on; so do I.  I can't keep Christmas ornaments and pictures around, because those things are emotionally loaded and trigger me."

I spoke with her for about 20 minutes:

I said:  We need to be adults about this.  I'm sorry for all of the stuff we've been through, and I know I made mistakes, but the intent was never to hurt you, and I assume your intentions were likewise good.  I told her I love her, and I wish the best for her.  This isn't easy for me, but it is the best thing for both of us, and that I will be okay in time.  I told her I have my kids to take care of, and my responsibility to them, so I will make it.  She has her kids, and her business to run, so she needs to take care of herself, and she will be okay too.  It's not the end of the world, even though it might feel like it right now, it isn't.

I could tell that she was on the verge of tears, so I know it this has been hard for her too, which let me know I wasn't alone in the difficulty of "breaking up".

I gave her a hug and told her I wish her the best.

She walked me to the door, and I left.

It was the conversation I wanted to have with her two or three years ago, but I never really could bring myself to do it.

Anyway, I know it's going to be extremely difficult to keep away from her.  She lives only 2 miles away, and it's easy to see her, especially when she invites me over for dinner, or to play cards, or etc.

But, I do not want to let her hurt me anymore, and now that she declared to me that she has decided to pursue outside relationships - no more.

She briefly mentioned that she was going to move on and see other people, to which I said:

That's good!  :)o whatever is necessary to heal and move on with your life.  We've both struggled too long with this burden, and we've been stuck for too long.  We both know this isn't going to get any better.


She said something about:  You know, if you don't let me move on, that's just one more way of showing me you don't love me!

I said:  Hey, I'm not going to this doesn't hurt, because it does, but I don't control you.  You do whatever you want.  I'm not interested in controlling you, that's your job.

Anyway, I think it went well.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, or the next day, or the next day, but I do know that I feel as though a huge burden has been lifted, and I am going to take a completely different approach to my life.

[Infared]

BPD's have a really hard time taking responsibility for themselves. Mine could not. She actually had to be with someone else (and lying about it) to leave our home.

I could not have ever had that conversation with my ex, that you had with yours... there could be no closure with all the lies and the drama she was creating.

I am glad that you were able to get some peace for yourself. That's fantastic.

[rg1976]

It wasn't exactly a conversation. She didn't say much, but at least I was able to say what I felt I had to in order to feel at peace.

In the past, I would have worried about her understanding and care about how she was handling things.

I'm done with that. It was too much work.

[Mutt]

Hi rg1976,  

You have good advice from your friend.

Infrared's right, a pwBPD have a hard time taking responsibilities for their needs.

It was the conversation I wanted to have with her two or three years ago, but I never really could bring myself to do it.

Nice going  

[tjay933]

I happy for you. good job putting yourself and your kids first!