Would a borderline lie about getting married?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This may seem like a rhetorical question. The girl I most recently dated (albeit briefly because I saw red flags and broke it off) told me after a few dates that (1) she's broken; (2) she can only offer sex; and (3) she didn't want to hurt me. And I could sense it because she almost went out of her way to create distance and to remain emotionally detached. In fact I didn't think she even cared about me, which is one of the reasons I broke up with her. Surprisingly she seemed very hurt and then got angry.

Anyway, I tried to be her friend and thought that maybe she was just going through a rough spell. After the passage of considerable time I wanted to share my feelings with her. Upon trying to do so, she got mad. She seemed almost disgusted and told me that she was "really living with someone and really getting married." Then she advised that she could not continue the conversation with me in good conscience. That was that. And it happened after I (in response to her complaint that I didn't ask her to do things as friends after we broke up) invited her time and time again for months to join me and/or friends for coffee, drinks, concerts, etc. without her saying a word about getting married. She just said she had friends in town or work-related activities.

First, anyone who would use someone's feelings against them is bad news. Second, would a borderline (or anyone) really lie about something as big as getting married? Seems kinda absurd. I'm a big boy, and sure it stung when she said it. However, I'm not disordered; so I felt relief and satisfaction with having shared my feelings with her and happiness for her that she's found someone who makes her happy. I assume that, if untrue, she said it to hurt me. I just can't imagine lying about something that big just to get a reaction from someone.

[JPH]

This may seem like a rhetorical question. The girl I most recently dated (albeit briefly because I saw red flags and broke it off) told me after a few dates that (1) she's broken; (2) she can only offer sex; and (3) she didn't want to hurt me. And I could sense it because she almost went out of her way to create distance and to remain emotionally detached. In fact I didn't think she even cared about me, which is one of the reasons I broke up with her. Surprisingly she seemed very hurt and then got angry.

Anyway, I tried to be her friend and thought that maybe she was just going through a rough spell. After the passage of considerable time I wanted to share my feelings with her. Upon trying to do so, she got mad. She seemed almost disgusted and told me that she was "really living with someone and really getting married." Then she advised that she could not continue the conversation with me in good conscience. That was that. And it happened after I (in response to her complaint that I didn't ask her to do things as friends after we broke up) invited her time and time again for months to join me and/or friends for coffee, drinks, concerts, etc. without her saying a word about getting married. She just said she had friends in town or work-related activities.

First, anyone who would use someone's feelings against them is bad news. Second, would a borderline (or anyone) really lie about something as big as getting married? Seems kinda absurd. I'm a big boy, and sure it stung when she said it. However, I'm not disordered; so I felt relief and satisfaction with having shared my feelings with her and happiness for her that she's found someone who makes her happy. I assume that, if untrue, she said it to hurt me. I just can't imagine lying about something that big just to get a reaction from someone.

[JPH]

Oops. I meant to include that I would've totally understood had she just told me she was getting married on one of the several occasions when I invited her out to do things as friends. And I wouldn't have continued to ask. Or she could've not liked almost everything I posted or kept track of where I was and when on Facebook. Anyway, her reaction led me to go totally no contact. Just wanted to gauge others for their input.

[Maternus]

Maybe it's the other way round. She is really living with someone she will marry and was withholding this when she offered you sex. The idea of getting married triggered her fear of engulfment and she did some crazy stuff, like offering sex to other guys.

[JPH]

I guess I could just be reading too much into it. Admittedly I'm pretty jaded at this point.

[downwhim]

Maybe it's the other way round. She is really living with someone she will marry and was withholding this when she offered you sex. The idea of getting married triggered her fear of engulfment and she did some crazy stuff, like offering sex to other guys.

I agree with this. They feel engulfed when they get engaged and want to bolt. I do not think she is being honest with you. Whether she is engaged, getting married soon she is too messed up to deal, I would exit this r/s.

[JPH]

I ended both the romantic relationship and the "friendship" with her. I blocked her on my phone, e-mail and Facebook. I now see that she probably lied to me often. She even texted me and asked me to meet her for a drink months after she told me she was seeing someone. If you're seeing someone seriously or are engaged, why are you texting me and asking me to meet you for drinks. No way I would ever agree to that if I'd known she was getting married.

If she would've just told me she was engaged months ago, I would've totally left her alone long before I went no contact.

Thank y'all for taking time to respond. I appreciate your thoughts.

[nowwhatz]

Maybe it's the other way round. She is really living with someone she will marry and was withholding this when she offered you sex. The idea of getting married triggered her fear of engulfment and she did some crazy stuff, like offering sex to other guys.

Although my exgf was not unfaithful while living with me... .whenever she lived on her own and we started to get very close she would suddenly have sex with other guys. Most recently she did this and then complained she was used by the guys.  That's when I finally had enough.

[raisins3142]

She even texted me and asked me to meet her for a drink months after she told me she was seeing someone. If you're seeing someone seriously or are engaged, why are you texting me and asking me to meet you for drinks. No way I would ever agree to that if I'd known she was getting married.

Pop culture/psychology is telling this generation that this is okay in a relationship because you are supposed to trust your partner totally (even if they want to get drunk, alone, with a member of the preferred sex).  If the average person thinks this might be okay now, then you can damn well be sure a BPD can justify it.

I almost hate reading these threads because it makes me imagine what my ex got up to on those nights when she claimed to be too tired to meet or text/talk on the phone.     I'll never know.  She has to live with whatever the truth is though.

[JPH]

She even texted me and asked me to meet her for a drink months after she told me she was seeing someone. If you're seeing someone seriously or are engaged, why are you texting me and asking me to meet you for drinks. No way I would ever agree to that if I'd known she was getting married.

Pop culture/psychology is telling this generation that this is okay in a relationship because you are supposed to trust your partner totally (even if they want to get drunk, alone, with a member of the preferred sex).  If the average person thinks this might be okay now, then you can damn well be sure a BPD can justify it.

You're right. What confused me was the fact that she acted like I'd done something grossly offensive by sharing my feelings with her during our last conversation. Seems like someone who's dating or marrying someone and asks me to meet for a drink wouldn't act like I kicked her dog when I told her I cared about her and had hoped she'd get her ___ together after I broke off our relationship. How the hell was I supposed to know she was living with someone and getting married? Unlike her with me I didn't keep up with her every move.