I have lost 'my identity'.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When someone says to you:

What do you like to do for fun?

What are your hobbies?

What do you do on your day off work?

What are you doing today to secure / advance your future?

What do you say?

For 25 years I have been ______'s mom and ______'s wife.

I am still the kids mom, but they are young adults; no longer do they 'need' me like they did 5 years ago.

Clearly I am no longer ______'s wife.

So I have lost 'my identity'.

HOW do you 'find yourself'?

HOW do you go about "defining" yourself?

[going places]

When someone says to you:

What do you like to do for fun?

What are your hobbies?

What do you do on your day off work?

What are you doing today to secure / advance your future?

What do you say?

For 25 years I have been ______'s mom and ______'s wife.

I am still the kids mom, but they are young adults; no longer do they 'need' me like they did 5 years ago.

Clearly I am no longer ______'s wife.

So I have lost 'my identity'.

HOW do you 'find yourself'?

HOW do you go about "defining" yourself?

[Grey Kitty]

I am still _____'s husband on paper. We're not living together, and don't plan to resume now. I hope to be her friend again someday.

"What do you do?" (i.e. work) is a hard one for me. I'm expecting to rejoin the workforce in a year or three.

I'm living on a boat that I'm working on which I planned to explore the world in... .with ______. Time to modify those plans, except for finishing up some of the work.

I've got one big hobby/activity that I dedicate a month or two a year toward... .I also did it with ______ for eight years. I'm still going to do it this year, with major changes.

And I've realized that I spent ~25 years mostly looking at all the crazy dreams and ideas that ______ had, and picking some of them to join in on or make happen, and rejecting others. Without even noticing if they were mine or not.

... .so I'm working the same problem you are, going places. 


Nobody is asking me those questions you list, except myself. So I don't have to say anything. I have to decide and do it.


My answer (for myself) is that choosing what to do with the rest of my life is too big... .I'm trying to make good choices about what to do today. That is hard enough for me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi going places, It's easy to lose oneself in a r/s with a pwBPD, in my experience.  To paraphrase Dante, I like to say that I was lost in a dark wood with no clear path out.  Finding one's path again, I agree, is challenging, but leads to a sense of personal freedom because it's your path, and yours alone.

So how do you find your path again?  One place to start, I would suggest, is by paying attention to small desires.  For example, you might hear a piece of music that, for some unknown reason, intrigues you.  You might see something -- a sunset, a landscape, a photograph --  that catches your eye.  You might hear a story or read a book that you find truly interesting.  You might taste something that you find delicious or you might notice that you enjoy the song of a cardinal in a nearby tree.  You get the idea.  Your task is to notice these inklings of things that you like, and then to follow these "golden threads" to see where they lead.

At the end of the day, the goal is to lead an authentic life, in my view.  It sounds easy, but is actually pretty hard, because we get sidetracked by others, particularly in a BPD r/s.  It's about remembering who we are deep down, isn't it?

LuckyJim

[Turkish]

I think it's familiar and natural to identify one's self by the role's played in life. At the core, however, I identify who I am by my core values, rather than my attachments. My values may change or alter slightly over the years, but they, I like to think, are permanent. I'm not defined as a person by my attachments because no attachment or role is permanent.

Regarding your list, while I can answer them in the present, they've changed over the years. They will likely change as I continue to "grow up."

[Pingo]

Hi going places, I can really relate to where you are at. I have been asking myself these same questions since my marriage ended last June. Before I met my uBPDexh 5 yrs ago I was at a place in my life where my roles had become unravelled and I was trying to find who I was outside of my roles (mother, wife). I had taken up kayaking and hiking and yoga and was becoming very passionate about them.  Then a crisis hit and at the same time I met my ex and everything about 'me' came to a halt. After a 4 yr ride on the crazy train, I am left having no idea who I am or what I am passionate about. Who has energy for passion? I keep hoping I wake up and find some but so far not so much.

I like what Lucky Jim said. Those little things where you can find beauty, joy, peace. For me it's nature. Even if it's just opening my window and listening to the birds sing in the morning.  Or catching the sunset. These little things can really change my outlook on the day.  I am working on mindfulness. I take at least a couple of short walks every day, the occasional hike. I have got back into yoga as a way to feel my body. I have finally started to meditate (just a few minutes at a time). And I'm going for my very first professional massage on Friday! All in the name of self-love, self-recognition and healing.

I remember reading several months back about your dream to move to Florida (? I think?) and opening a restaurant or was it a catering truck? You seemed pretty excited about the idea. Are you dreaming about this still?

[going places]

yes, moving to florida in July.

I'm going to explore what makes more sense, food truck / restaurant+bar.

I am super excited about this... .

I wish I had a 'plug and chug' life plan sheet, where I just fill in the blanks, and WHAMO, life happens! HA HA

I am just struggling on how to get my ducks in a row and start moving forward.

I feel like I am always chasing a baby duck around trying to get him back in line!

OY VEY

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Pingo, I find your post extremely encouraging.  Nature, walks, yoga and massage are all good signs.  Maybe you will get back in your kayak?  I like how you put this, that it is "All in the name of self-love, self-recognition and healing."  Learning about self-love is an important element in my healing, too!

Hey going places, That you are "super excited" about moving to FL indicates to me that it is part of regaining your identity, so go for it.

LuckyJim

[mssalty]

Truthfully, I haven't a clue who I am any more.   I noticed somewhere in the past decade I lost track of who I was.   Years of listening to other people define me in ways I never saw myself has me in a state of doubt with my confidence shattered.   I feel like I lost a decade of my life somewhere and I'm staring across a demolished bridge at my old happier and more alive self and wondering who he was and how I can get back to him.   When I discuss things I care about, I'm greeted with blank stares and I feel like I'm just strange.   Worse is when family shows a complete lack of interest in things I enjoy or are important to me.  A few weeks ago one of my parents dismissed me when I was talking about something I was very passionate about in the world.   They said they were sorry they brought up the subject (because they didn't like my opinion) and said I had completely changed and "I blame myself for that."  The sad thing is that I can point to lessons and behaviors from my parents that led me to be who I am (in a good way), and I feel like I can't even share that with them.   

As an adult, I find myself trying to figure out if I got screwed up in childhood, or if my parents changed in my adulthood and I'm simply looking for someone to blame.   It's hard when you have nobody you trust to help unscrew your thinking to get to the truth.