Husband exhibits many signs of BPD

[Echo76]

Hi. My husband & I have been married 10 years. About a year ago he suddenly started acting very paranoid & accused me hiding money. Got very verbally abusive. Started bringing up very hurtful things. It died down for a bit. Then we started counseling. He would get extremely smothering & loving, then I'd wake up the next day to angry/paranoid accusations. He started accusing me of cheating. Made up very elaborate & unreasonable stories of what he thought was happening. A "look" I gave one person. People climbing in our window when he left for work. Our marriage counselor tried to admit him at one point but he did not meet criteria. It has blown up into accusations of multiple affairs. One being his best friend whom he destroyed his friendship over. He has exhibited destructive & impulsive behavior. Slashed tires, broken my house lights & believes he is justified for all of it. He Rashly filed for divorce within 6 days of separating. He turns everything around on me. Says I said things I haven't. Twists things around constantly & truly believes his own lies. I've been told by family members that he has been expressing extreme anger about me to them for a few years. But would usually actoving toward me. It all Started around the time his mom died. He has always been a drinker, but I think it's gotten worse. We are separated & waiting on divorce. We have been getting along. But then he'll tell other people things about me & just be vicious & hateful. But eill act normal to me. Lately he tells me how much he loves me, etc. Apologizing. It's Almost like he snapped out of this for a bit. He has not been diagnosed & gets VERY defensive if I mention he's not acting rational. But he exhibits SO many signs of BPD. I really think it is. I still have hope of savings marriage but how do I deal with this? I never know when it's going to come out.

[tjay933]

welcome to the family 

sorry to hear about all the troubles you've been going through.

a good place to start is to understanding the disorder itself-if you haven't already started on that. there are lessons on the side that will give you much needed insight for what/why you are going through this.

pwBPD tend to be easily triggered by stress and losing his mom would more than qualify. probably not a good idea to bring up the possibility of his having BPD since he is obviously against that-it will no doubt trigger him further as you've already noted. pwBPD have a very low self esteem and can't handle criticism in any way shape or form. it triggers them, even imagined criticisms-imo.

if he has filed for divorce, not much you can do about that-others may have some ideas for you there.

they are very irrational and will explode at any moment hence the phrase "walking on eggshells".

they will also project their own mistakes and faults onto their partner. so when he is accusing you of something-it may really be him that is doing it. not to say that he is but it is a possibility. mine gets worse when he drinks too.

these are just my opinions from what you have said so far.

I feel for you. above all, stay safe. 

[Echo76]

Thank you. He filed back in Oct. But we have been trying to work on us since Nov. Seeing if we can make a go of our marriage. But it's hard if he doesn't even see how unreasonable he's being. He just recently even admitted to taking ANY blame for our divorce. But "walking on eggshells" is how I would always describe it when this 1st started happening. He has a lot of mental illness in his family. And acted out like this a lot in his teens & early 20's. Destructive, got kicked out by his mom at 17, etc. it seemed to have calmed down & I thought he just "grew up". But it's almost like he reverted back to that time. And it seems to have started around the time his mom died. I'm so glad I found this page.

[tjay933]

it's possible his mothers death brought him back to the time in his life when she kicked him out? relapsing on a stressful moment.

stay safe and keep writing and asking-we all learn from each other to see clearly what we have gone through and how others are dealing with it and that we are not alone.

[Mutt]

Hi Echo76,



I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to echo tjay933. A pwBPD need a lot of validation, we're not professionals and cannot diagnose, we can look at traits. It helps to talk and read as much as you can about the disorder.

I have read from members where their partner didn't exhibit traits until a life event like the passing of a family member.

Your not alone.

Welcome to the family  

----Mutt