Been off here awhile. Feeling pretty crappy.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well I got some pretty crappy news from a friend of mine. Story like many others here. I was replaced last march. We recycled and I was replaced again in September. I use these months because it's when she became official with my two replacements. So rewind to my 1.5 year relationship. She lived about 45 minutes away for the bulk of it. In January she moved in with a couple of my friends that were also her friends. They were my friends I introduced her to. Apparently close to entire time she lived with them she said that we were broken up. She hooked up with guys and was lying to everyone saying I was physically abusive and we were over. She was saying I was stalking her. All this while we were still together. I obviously found out about the replacement because she started acting different. But the thing that hurts the most is that she was telling people we weren't together when we actually were. I feel gross. I feel absolutely rock bottom sick. It's a betrayal on so many levels. I can handle cheating. It happens. But when someone just flat out pretends you aren't even together really stings. I was doing pretty good till I found this out. Now I think about how many times she did it. How often she told people she was single. How I meant nothing. I dunno I'm just venting. I know I shouldn't care because it's over. But it just feels horrible.

[Confused?]

Well I got some pretty crappy news from a friend of mine. Story like many others here. I was replaced last march. We recycled and I was replaced again in September. I use these months because it's when she became official with my two replacements. So rewind to my 1.5 year relationship. She lived about 45 minutes away for the bulk of it. In January she moved in with a couple of my friends that were also her friends. They were my friends I introduced her to. Apparently close to entire time she lived with them she said that we were broken up. She hooked up with guys and was lying to everyone saying I was physically abusive and we were over. She was saying I was stalking her. All this while we were still together. I obviously found out about the replacement because she started acting different. But the thing that hurts the most is that she was telling people we weren't together when we actually were. I feel gross. I feel absolutely rock bottom sick. It's a betrayal on so many levels. I can handle cheating. It happens. But when someone just flat out pretends you aren't even together really stings. I was doing pretty good till I found this out. Now I think about how many times she did it. How often she told people she was single. How I meant nothing. I dunno I'm just venting. I know I shouldn't care because it's over. But it just feels horrible.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can handle cheating. It happens.

Yes it does, but not everyone cheats.  It boils down to values; some people hold fidelity, honesty, integrity and commitment as high values, to some they don't matter as much, if at all.  Borderlines are impulsive and dealing with ongoing intense feelings is job one, always, so things like values get flexible in the pursuit of momentary bliss, or at least avoidance of pain.  I've come to believe that borderlines might make good fck buddies or FWB's, but they are not relationship material.  Kinda with I'd known that going in, but hey, there was growth I apparently needed.

But it just feels horrible.

Because you were betrayed.  Sorry man, you, and I, got with folks who could not be trusted and were not qualified to receive our love.  Oh well, there are plenty of great girls who are, and choosing better up front is now a primary focus.

[Confused?]

Thank you for your response. I guess what I'm trying to get at is how is it possible to get to a point of trust. I know I need to work on myself but to actually believe my ex was a thing I always did. I believed she wasn't like that. Came from a home of a cheating mother. Said she would never do anything like that ever. For me to put my trust in her was a huge part of our relationship. I could look past the constant neediness and subtle mind games because this was someone I could trust. It turns out that I couldn't even believe what she ate for breakfast that day she lied so much. I know there are plenty of great people in the world but for me to try to trust someone again really seems hard. My friends tell me to get over it. I am over it. What I am not over is the fear of meeting someone like her again. Weather it be BPD, npd, or anything.

[fromheeltoheal]

And that fear is there for a reason, to protect us.  I had a quesy feeling in my gut for most of the time I was with my ex, something I chose to ignore, but after I left her I began to listen to what it had been telling me and connect the dots, and she told me more lies than truths, no doubt.  So note to self: don't ignore that gut feel, it's not wrong.  It's said love is blind, well, before we let ourselves fall in love next time we need to use our newly-developed spidey sense to ferret out the hidden PD's; we're pretty good at it now, better than most, yes?

[jammo1989]

Hey Confused, This is the best way to see your situation from a psychological perspective, BPD is an attachment disorder right? and they have an extremely low sense of worth, you already know this, so now put those 2 things together and this is what you have:

A woman in this case girl, that feels like she cant sustain a commitment towards you solely because she feels shes not worthy of you, she feels worthless when shes with you, she cant handle the fact that you are to good for her and with that she fails to sustain her control within the relationship (not letting you become her door mat) In my personal opinion when a BPD cheats its not only down to impulsive behavior but its also down to looking for someone who can complete her.  She needs to find an attachment who isnt as good as you, and with that comes a sense of control on her behalf, im not saying have a narcissistic approach to this by saying "yeah i know im better than her shes nothing compared to me" but instead I want you to think "I was to good for her, she had an amazing bf and she blew it, this was her loss not mine" My ex used to tell me regularly that she felt like a piece of ___ next to me, and with that my replacement was more adaptable to conform.  For example, She went from someone with a degree, brought her what ever she wanted, very motivated and so forth to a guy whos still in college, doesnt work, and can no way treat her the way i did.  She just like other HPD/BPD woman are searching for another person that feels the same as her and by attaching she will feel equal towards the other person. In basic terms im basically saying that you were to good for her and she knows it.          

[blissful_camper]

Thank you for your response. I guess what I'm trying to get at is how is it possible to get to a point of trust. I know I need to work on myself but to actually believe my ex was a thing I always did. I believed she wasn't like that. Came from a home of a cheating mother. Said she would never do anything like that ever. For me to put my trust in her was a huge part of our relationship. I could look past the constant neediness and subtle mind games because this was someone I could trust. It turns out that I couldn't even believe what she ate for breakfast that day she lied so much. I know there are plenty of great people in the world but for me to try to trust someone again really seems hard. My friends tell me to get over it. I am over it. What I am not over is the fear of meeting someone like her again. Weather it be BPD, npd, or anything.

Hi Confused,

I had that question too.  It's awesome to trust, and be in a place in your life where you can give others the benefit of the doubt.  It stings when you learn that someone you loved exploited those qualities.  You'll get to a point where you can trust again.  It takes time.  

I trust others too easily. A friend suggested that I "assume that no one can be trusted."  When she shared that, my initial thought was "how depressing."  It has served me well though.  I listen to and honor my gut feelings, take my time getting to know others, and most importantly, keep it light until I feel that I can trust new people in my life.  

I didn't think that I could trust again outside of my family and close friends.  I can and do trust but I trust slowly and in stages.  I observe and listen to my gut.  While I approach new friendships with optimism, when I see red flags I'm out.  I don't ask the other about those red flags.  I trust myself and my experience.  

Trust is a beautiful thing. Take it slow.  You will get there.  Trusting those who are super needy and play mind games = rough sledding.   Those character traits are red flags.