What's keeping you stuck?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wouldn't say I'm stuck like months ago where it was torture and agony, but I haven't moved on as fast and far as i'd like and in the back of my mind there's still the tiny hope my ex will value the marriage and my 7 years commitment and make a change. Two things are keeping me stuck... .

a) The belief she has the capability of non-disordered thought and will back up her words with actions (she says she wants me back but just sits there doing nothing about it)

b) My lack of belief that can I find someone else (self worth).

With A - when all the evidence in the world, in all aspects of her life, points to the other, my inability to grasp that she is disordered and incapable of regular rational thinking, planning and logic is really strange. This is a problem. I am in business, I make decisions based on evidence and logic all day. I know this about her, why do I keep on holding this hope. I really can't explain it.

With B - here's for sure where I know what work to do. I live in a foreign country, I need to loose some weight and make some new friends. All three of these things will set me in good stead. They are practical. I can do them. Though even these I procrastinate far too much on, when its the very thing that will set me onto the path of good health/esteem and new love, why is my motivation not 100%.

Is it  ?

For so long, all my youth, I was mega motivated and believed I could do anything I set my mind too, but with the ex, everything I tried ended in a telling off, non-appreiciation, its like she stole my mojo. Its in there someone.

Anyway, any advise appreiciated but also, what is keeping you stuck and what can you do to free yourself?

[Trog]

I wouldn't say I'm stuck like months ago where it was torture and agony, but I haven't moved on as fast and far as i'd like and in the back of my mind there's still the tiny hope my ex will value the marriage and my 7 years commitment and make a change. Two things are keeping me stuck... .

a) The belief she has the capability of non-disordered thought and will back up her words with actions (she says she wants me back but just sits there doing nothing about it)

b) My lack of belief that can I find someone else (self worth).

With A - when all the evidence in the world, in all aspects of her life, points to the other, my inability to grasp that she is disordered and incapable of regular rational thinking, planning and logic is really strange. This is a problem. I am in business, I make decisions based on evidence and logic all day. I know this about her, why do I keep on holding this hope. I really can't explain it.

With B - here's for sure where I know what work to do. I live in a foreign country, I need to loose some weight and make some new friends. All three of these things will set me in good stead. They are practical. I can do them. Though even these I procrastinate far too much on, when its the very thing that will set me onto the path of good health/esteem and new love, why is my motivation not 100%.

Is it  ?

For so long, all my youth, I was mega motivated and believed I could do anything I set my mind too, but with the ex, everything I tried ended in a telling off, non-appreiciation, its like she stole my mojo. Its in there someone.

Anyway, any advise appreiciated but also, what is keeping you stuck and what can you do to free yourself?

[ADecadeLost]

Hey Trog,

You're right when you say your "mojo" is still in there somewhere.  It is.  It's just buried under a lot of layers of her emotional crud.  You just need to dig it out.

As for the two factors you've identified, the first just takes time.  We've all struggled with it.  In rare moments of weakness, I still do.  Thankfully in my case, it seems like her actions re-affirms my acceptance that she is not emotionally capable of non-disordered thoughts on a semi-regular basis.

The second is more in your control.  I'd honestly start with the weight loss.  It's the easiest to get a handle on, and the added confidence as the weight comes off may help with the making friends side of it.  Beyond that the endorphin release from working out can become a bit addictive, and provides a nice bit of positive reinforcement.  It takes a little effort at first, especially if there are any bad habits to break (ie. eating too much junk food), but it's well worth it in the end.

Just keep working and your "mojo" will be back before you know it.

[vortex of confusion]

a) The belief she has the capability of non-disordered thought and will back up her words with actions (she says she wants me back but just sits there doing nothing about it)

This isn't about her. This is about you and why you keep getting stuck in these thought patterns. I have been stuck in that same place where I can't seem to accept that my husband is incapable of having a relationship with me. I recently started a 12 step program. One of the things that has come up is that I have to take inventory of myself so that I can figure out why I keep getting stuck in this magical thinking. Really, that is what it is. It is magical thinking. Despite all of the facts and all of the things that I know to be true, I am still thinking that my spouse will somehow change and things will magically get better. It doesn't work that way. There is no magical solution. It is going to take hard work on my part to get to a place where I can accept things as they are rather than as I want them to be.

b) My lack of belief that can I find someone else (self worth).

I think this begs the question. I have had the same thoughts as you. I am trying to change that thinking so that I am not concerned about finding anybody else. I want to find MYSELF. The focus on being able to find somebody else shows that you are afraid of being alone. At least that is what it has showed me. I would really like to get to a place where I am okay with being alone. Why do I need somebody else? Why can't I be okay being on my own? I should love myself enough to want to be with myself without wanting to be with somebody else. Yes, I am a social being and I want to be loved and cared for but I don't want to do it at the expense of myself. I can see patterns where I have taken whatever I could get because I didn't feel worthy enough to stand up and say, "Hey, I don't like this. I want better for myself." My thinking is that until I can find my own self worth I don't need to be thinking about finding anybody else. If I don't find my own self worth, then I am going to end up in another relationship where I am taking what I can get because I don't feel like I deserve anything better.

Not sure if this helps. It is where I am at right now. It is a very uncomfortable place to be.

[Trog]

Well, I've been alone for 10 months, and not a little alone, MEGA alone. I moved to a foreign country where I don't speak the language or have friends here already. I am alone 95% of the time. I have made an acquaintance recently who wants to be friends with me but I am beginning to see that I do not live her, not at all. Infact, yesterday evening we went out and she shouted at me and made me feel quite uncomfortable in a restaurant. So I'm going to have to call time on that too. I feel quite unlucky and seem to be attracting nutters to me.

[Panda39]

b) My lack of belief that can I find someone else (self worth).

I think this begs the question. I have had the same thoughts as you. I am trying to change that thinking so that I am not concerned about finding anybody else. I want to find MYSELF. The focus on being able to find somebody else shows that you are afraid of being alone. At least that is what it has showed me. I would really like to get to a place where I am okay with being alone. Why do I need somebody else? Why can't I be okay being on my own? I should love myself enough to want to be with myself without wanting to be with somebody else. Yes, I am a social being and I want to be loved and cared for but I don't want to do it at the expense of myself. I can see patterns where I have taken whatever I could get because I didn't feel worthy enough to stand up and say, "Hey, I don't like this. I want better for myself." My thinking is that until I can find my own self worth I don't need to be thinking about finding anybody else. If I don't find my own self worth, then I am going to end up in another relationship where I am taking what I can get because I don't feel like I deserve anything better.

Not sure if this helps. It is where I am at right now. It is a very uncomfortable place to be.

Well, I've been alone for 10 months, and not a little alone, MEGA alone. I moved to a foreign country where I don't speak the language or have friends here already. I am alone 95% of the time. I have made an acquaintance recently who wants to be friends with me but I am beginning to see that I do not live her, not at all. Infact, yesterday evening we went out and she shouted at me and made me feel quite uncomfortable in a restaurant. So I'm going to have to call time on that too. I feel quite unlucky and seem to be attracting nutters to me.

Hi Vortex & Trog,

You guys made me think about a thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272709.0 on the [L4] New Relationships & Dating Board about not dating (not wanting to date).  I think besides getting used to being alone or just plain being alone the ultimate goal should go one step further to liking to be alone with ourselves... .liking our lives as individuals.

I also wanted to tell you both one thing I did that helped me with self-esteem the year I was transitioning out of my marriage.  I had spent a few years prior to my divorce in a depression that pretty much ended my social life.  I was really out of practice and was having a lot of anxiety around social situations.  So I would challenge myself... .lunch with 1 or 2 people I knew well... .bump it up a step... .dinner with a larger group of friends... .bump it up again... .a day out with friends to a place I had never been before... .bump it up again... .add the spouses of my friends into the mix (I went solo)... .bump it up again... .go to a party where I knew several people... .bump it up again... .went to a party where I knew 1 other person... .

Each time I was successful my confidence went up and each time my confidence went up so did my self-esteem. Find something that makes you uncomfortable and challenge yourself.

(Vortex - I'm so happy to hear about all the work you are doing on yourself and the 12 step program! You go girl!)

[Mike-X]

As Panda39 said, you don't have to make huge leaps. Take a step forward, the smallest of steps, and praise yourself for doing that. Then take another step, followed by praise. Even if you backside, so what? You just survived a crushing, FOG-laden relationship, and you should praise yourself for surviving and be proud of yourself for trying to move forward. If you are like me with handing out the self praise, I would imagine you really owe yourself tons of praise.

[Grey Kitty]

Well, I've been alone for 10 months, and not a little alone, MEGA alone. I moved to a foreign country where I don't speak the language or have friends here already. I am alone 95% of the time.

I'm in similar-but-different shoes to you. Been living in a place that doesn't suit me very well while I'm working on my boat. I've been here on-and-off for almost two years now. The last five months have been quite alone as I've been separated from my wife, and in the last month discovered that we aren't getting back together. While I'm physically alone, I've got very good friends and supporters a phone call away, so my life doesn't feel empty and mega alone. At least not all the time.

My goal is to get my boat ready to launch and out of here so I can go to a place that suits me better, preferably one where I already have some friends.

Do you want to stay in the country you are in? Are you interested in learning the language so you can better connect with local friends?

[going places]

What keeps me 'stuck'?

I don't know who I am.

I have been ______'s mom and ______'s wife for 25 years.

My identity has been in the title "mom and wife".

I don't know what *I* like to do because I never did anything for me.

I gardened... .and I enjoy gardening, but it was for the purpose of feeding my family healthy chemical free food.

Me enjoying what I did was just a side bonus.

For 25 years I: Worked, raised kids, catered to my ex's whims.

I had 1 friend. (she is no longer as of last month)

I had another friend, who's bf didn't like me; said I was too independent... .so we drifted apart a few years ago.Only spoke occasionally.

I didn't go out.

I didn't have a hobby.

I didn't have time. Raising 3 kids (all born in a 4 year time frame) and essentially raising a 4th (the ex) running a house hold, cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying the bills, handling any and all crisis', planning executing and cleaning up after all holidays and birthdays... .etc. I had NO time for 'me'.

I thought this was what a good wife and mother did?

Anyway... .I don't know who I am.

I think that is what keeps me down, depressed, lost.

How do you 'find' yourself? Define 'self'?

[Mike-X]

Well, I've been alone for 10 months, and not a little alone, MEGA alone. I moved to a foreign country where I don't speak the language or have friends here already. I am alone 95% of the time. I have made an acquaintance recently who wants to be friends with me but I am beginning to see that I do not live her, not at all. Infact, yesterday evening we went out and she shouted at me and made me feel quite uncomfortable in a restaurant. So I'm going to have to call time on that too. I feel quite unlucky and seem to be attracting nutters to me.

Good that you recognized the shouting as inappropriate behavior on her part and aren't questioning yourself or feeling compelled to fix things.  

[Copperfox]

I think both A and B can be challenging problems for many of us.  Personally, I have been focused on using the negative to spur me forwards as of late.  I have been working out more, focusing on specific opportunities at work that may pay off down the road, and asking for girls numbers more frequently and/or going out on dates with some of them.  Times of difficulty demand that we be bold, I think.  Hell, I got one girl's phone number on a plane flight last week, .  Not something I would have normally done before.  But I know I need to spur myself forward, no one else will.  I have nothing to lose.

Do I feel perfectly fine about everything.  Hell no.  Do I still ponder the things the OP brought up.  Of course.  But the only thing I can do is channel that into something positive.

[Michelle27]

Despite obvious efforts to seek professional help/therapy, I am "stuck" not believing that my husband's efforts are genuine.  He has made so many promises that were manipulated out of during the past decade to do the same, and none have been followed through on.  He knows that this is "it" for me... .I won't stay in the marriage any longer if he isn't aggressively pursuing getting help, and that's why I think he's doing it... .just going through the motions to make me stay.  I just can't get past the pessimism that I learned over many years of lies and false attempts and basically won't believe it until I see it as a done deal.  This fuels my anxiety/PTSD over waiting for the "ax to fall" (ie. another rage) for which I've made it clear that if it happens in my presence again, I am done.  I can objectively see that he's trying, but I have been through so many hopeful times in which I thought THIS TIME, he meant it and he never did.  That's what is keeping me stuck from relaxing into the relationship while I wait for changes.  I just stumbled onto the website Moodgym yesterday and I'm hoping that working through the modules will help me through the low level anxiety that I feel almost on a constant basis.