Weird, "normal" behavior

[jedimaster]

My uBPDstbexw has started acting strangely normal since I moved out two weeks ago and asked for a divorce.  She is being very calm and rational about the divorce.  Some days she is open and friendly, other days distant and formal, but never mean.  Some of her requests have been odd but not crazy irrational.  Moreover, she has started back to church, not only on Sundays but a women's group on Wednesday evenings.  And my mother in law, who lives with her, says she has been extremely nice ever since I moved out.  Previously, even up to the day before I left, she was almost always rude, short, and harsh with her mother. 

Let me say first, there is no way, no how, no circumstance under which I am going back, so recycling is NOT an option.  I didn't wait 34 years only to get halfway out of a marriage.  But this is very weird and unanticipated by me.

She has not said anything about getting back together and seems to be trying to put her affairs in order so that we can move ahead with selling the property and dividing the personal stuff.  She is seeing her lawyer this week so we can begin working out the details of an uncontested settlement.

Has anyone else had a pwBPD "go normal" after a breakup?  I know it can't last, but I'm hoping that things hurry along so by the time the "regular" pwBPD returns, she will find herself amicably divorced.   

Just goes to show some of their behavior is extremely predictable, while some is impossible to predict.

[Sunfl0wer]

My uBPDexBF's ex wife with uBPD would do this when she was PLOTTING!  Be careful!  It meant she wanted to be treated reasonable while she was lining up her ducks to scr.w him over majorly! 

I hope not, for your sake, but be careful, stay aware!

[GaGrl]

My DH's ex tried very hard to maintain a veneer of normality during their divorce.

[Panda39]

My uBPDexBF's ex wife with uBPD would do this when she was PLOTTING!  Be careful!  It meant she wanted to be treated reasonable while she was lining up her ducks to scr.w him over majorly! 

I hope not, for your sake, but be careful, stay aware!

This was my initial reaction too, when my SO's uBPDxw dials it back and quiets down we know something is up. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

[jedimaster]

My DH's ex tried very hard to maintain a veneer of normality during their divorce.

I think there's a possibility that it's sincere, with the following caveats: (a) it's as sincere as she is capable of being. Being truly sincere would involve altruism and empathy, which are not to be found in her toolbox; (b) it's not her natural state, so no matter how well-intentioned, it cannot last.  At some point in this process we are bound to hit a snag, she will have a bad day, or something else will upset her emotional applecart, and off we'll go.

I'm working to take one day at a time, make the most of every normal conversation, and try to keep us moving down the path of a reasonably smooth divorce.  After several months of preparing for the worst, I'll take any break I can get.

[Grey Kitty]

jedimaster, I believe the saying is "make hay while the sun shines."

My uBPDexBF's ex wife with uBPD would do this when she was PLOTTING!  Be careful!  It meant she wanted to be treated reasonable while she was lining up her ducks to scr.w him over majorly! 

This sounds like a long well established pattern on her part. If jedimaster's wife didn't have that pattern before... .starting now isn't particularly likely.

[jedimaster]

This sounds like a long well established pattern on her part. If jedimaster's wife didn't have that pattern before... .starting now isn't particularly likely.

She is a lot of things, but a plotter/schemer isn't one of them.  She lives by her schedule and appointment calendar, but if she were capable of that level of planning, we wouldn't have had the problems we had with building the house and managing a farm.  She lives totally in the moment, which is what makes her unpredictable.  I spent 3 months planning my exit literally sitting across from her evenings in our bedroom, all the while detaching myself emotionally so I would be ready for the break, and yet she was still caught off guard.  As I mentioned, my feeling is that it is as sincere as it gets in her world.  That said, her sincerity, like anything else, is fleeting and subject to being discarded at the slightest whim or emotional upset, so as you said, there is much hay to be made while the sun shines.  Based on what I know of her schedule, yesterday was probably the best day of the week for her to see her lawyer if he was available, so I'm hoping that happened and waiting for her next move.

On a side note.  She has been very discreet about the whole separation thus far.  She seems to have told hardly anyone.  Yesterday was my day to take our oldest son to his exercise class and Special Olympics swim practice.  His best friend is a very high-functioning guy who talks constantly and has no filter in regards to what he says.  So yesterday I'm standing in a group of parents and he blurts out, "So, [Jedimaster Jr.] says you have your own place now!"  To which I simply said "Yes I do," and he was satisfied.  It didn't appear anyone in the group paid attention to what he said, but it sounds like my stbex is going to have some 'splaining to do before long.  I decided I'd rather let her break the news so I could hopefully get an idea of how she plans to spin things.  I'm waiting for the fun to begin now that our son has decided to set the timetable for her. 

[Grey Kitty]

So yesterday I'm standing in a group of parents and he blurts out, "So, [Jedimaster Jr.] says you have your own place now!"  To which I simply said "Yes I do," and he was satisfied.  It didn't appear anyone in the group paid attention to what he said, but it sounds like my stbex is going to have some 'splaining to do before long.

Dunno how much 'splaining will be really required. This excerpt from my well down into the subtle points in favorite essay on boundaries ( www.alturtle.com/archives/173 ) is excellent perspective on it.

I remember a friend saying that she had two answers to every question: the quick answer and the true answer.

The quick answer was always a lie.

It had nothing to do with the question. Nor did it have anything to do with her real thoughts or values. It had one purpose: to get the questioner to go away.  My friend had been brought up in a family of impatient, alcoholic parents. They would demand answers to their questions, but later forget that they had asked those questions.

And so the quick answer served to placate the impatient questioner.

The true answer takes time.

This friend told me that she needed time to come up with a good “quality” answer. I asked her, “How long?”  She said that it might take several days or weeks or longer.

Thus, if I wanted a “true” answer from her, I had to be prepared to wait. Worse  was that, if she gave me the “quick answer” and I believed it, she would not start working on the true answer.

You did a masterful job of giving the quick answer here. The guy asking obviously doesn't have the emotional maturity to either understand or want the true answer.

I think providing the quick answer will serve you well in many cases--People who have or want a deeper relationship with you will realize that there is more to the story, see that the quick answer is not the true one, and express interest in the true one. You can choose how vulnerable you want to be with those people later. Good friends will be patient with you and allow you as much time as it takes.

I think I'm going bone up on my quick answers for my separation... .

[ForeverDad]

I get the impression she's trying to look good with a Mask of Seeming Normalcy, so no one will be able to point to anything recent and say it was her fault.

Since most people who arrive here are desperate for answers and in dire straits, it's likely the high proportion here of super high conflict cases is not necessarily the same ratio as is found in the general population dealing with BPD and the other PDs.  It may very well be that your spouse is not one of the extreme acting-out personalities.  Also, if the children are grown or nearly so, that is one factor that is not going to be such a huge trigger for posturing, confrontations and conflict. Time will tell, of course.

A general rule of thumb that is usually helpful:

If the stbEx has contemplated or threatened to make allegations, then your risk is much higher.  Be aware.  Beware.

Even if there aren't outright false allegations, your stbEx is likely to feel entitled to as much as she can get out of the marital assets and as little as she has to take of the marital debts.  While that tendency is present to some extent with just about everyone, that trait is to an extreme in a person with an acting-out PD.

[jedimaster]

I get the impression she's trying to look good with a Mask of Seeming Normalcy, so no one will be able to point to anything recent and say it was her fault.

That would be in keeping with her NPD tendencies.  She has to present absolute perfection to the world, because people (including herself) are either flawless or worthless, and since she is flawless, she can't be seen as being spiteful or angry.  She has to be the picture of the perfect ex-wife and single mom.

A general rule of thumb that is usually helpful:

If the stbEx has contemplated or threatened to make allegations, then your risk is much higher.  Be aware.  Beware.

She hasn't done that, but anything is possible.

Even if there aren't outright false allegations, your stbEx is likely to feel entitled to as much as she can get out of the marital assets and as little as she has to take of the marital debts.  While that tendency is present to some extent with just about everyone, that trait is to an extreme in a person with an acting-out PD.

I'm expecting that at some point.  In my proposed settlement I have suggested we sell the house, which has a fair amount of equity, and treat all debts the same--pay off the house, car, and any other debts (which are small; we don't have credit cards) before dividing the rest.  That way we both start out debt free with a nest egg.  She goes in cycles as to how high-conflict she can be and right now she is in a relatively calm place, so I'm hoping we get through this before she cycles back again.

[livednlearned]

jedimaster,

You've been on the Staying board and probably learned some things to help minimize conflict. It's also possible that, while your wife is BPD, she is not high-conflict. Bill Eddy distinguishes between HCPs (high-conflict personalities) and people with BPD because the two are not the same. Although HCP's do usually have PDs, not all pwBPD are HCP.

I'm also wondering if her response is in some way a reflection of how you handled things? Maybe we could learn from you here.

[jedimaster]

LnL, one thing I've noticed is that my wife has cycles of behavior.  She can certainly be high-conflict, and there are times when she has been so for extended periods.  She also has calmer times, and fortunately she seems to have entered one of those.  I am sure the coping skills I have learned on the Staying board have helped immensely, even though as I began learning them I also discovered that I am not prepared to go through the rest of my life having to use them to "manage" both sides of a relationship. 

What always catches me off guard with her is the rapid and unpredictable shifts from one pattern of behavior to another.  I was prepared for an all-out battle, and suddenly I find myself calmly discussing a divorce settlement with a quiet, (mostly) rational person.  If I didn't know that she reacts rather than strategizes, I'd be tempted to believe that she did it purposely to throw me off base.  But I know that's not how her mind works.  I also know that at any given moment she could cycle back into a high-conflict mode for no apparent reason, so I'm trying not to let any grass grow under my feet.  The balancing act is how to keep both of us moving toward a settlement without causing her to feel pushed and trigger a reaction.  So far so good.

[livednlearned]

LnL, one thing I've noticed is that my wife has cycles of behavior.  She can certainly be high-conflict, and there are times when she has been so for extended periods.  She also has calmer times, and fortunately she seems to have entered one of those. 

It can go a long way to helping you exit the contract of the marriage with as little scorched earth as possible if you factor in your ex's particular expressions of BPD. And having the emotional insights and maturity helps too. I really hope things go ok, jedimaster. I'm pulling for you 

[jedimaster]

Not long after my last post I got an email from my lawyer.  He has received a letter from her lawyer asking for the usual documentation-- bank statements, copies of deeds, loan payoffs, etc.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  Her lawyer reiterated that it was her desire for an uncontested, out-of-court divorce.  Not that it's binding, but at least that is in writing now from both sides.  Up until today I didn't know who she was using for an attorney, but her lawyer is an older fellow who has practiced almost 50 years.  Given his age and reputation I think he might be a calming influence should she become agitated and want to fight.  Of course he has an obligation to represent her interests, but I hardly think he'd be inclined to enter a protracted court fight with a difficult client given the limited amount of assets we have. 

Most of the documents asked for I can gather over the weekend.  The only one that may delay things is a request for an appraisal on the house.  We are finishing some construction and I want to wait until it is done to get it appraised.  Still that is only at most 3-4 weeks away, so looks like we're moving right along. 

I'd love nothing more than to report that it took less time to plan the divorce than it did the wedding.   

[jedimaster]

My uBPDstbexw has started acting strangely normal since I moved out two weeks ago and asked for a divorce.  She is being very calm and rational about the divorce.  Some days she is open and friendly, other days distant and formal, but never mean.  Some of her requests have been odd but not crazy irrational.  Moreover, she has started back to church, not only on Sundays but a women's group on Wednesday evenings.  And my mother in law, who lives with her, says she has been extremely nice ever since I moved out.  Previously, even up to the day before I left, she was almost always rude, short, and harsh with her mother.  

Let me say first, there is no way, no how, no circumstance under which I am going back, so recycling is NOT an option.  I didn't wait 34 years only to get halfway out of a marriage.  But this is very weird and unanticipated by me.

She has not said anything about getting back together and seems to be trying to put her affairs in order so that we can move ahead with selling the property and dividing the personal stuff.  She is seeing her lawyer this week so we can begin working out the details of an uncontested settlement.

Has anyone else had a pwBPD "go normal" after a breakup?  I know it can't last, but I'm hoping that things hurry along so by the time the "regular" pwBPD returns, she will find herself amicably divorced.  

Just goes to show some of their behavior is extremely predictable, while some is impossible to predict.

I think I had a bit of insight this morning regarding her unusually normal behavior.  She recently wrote a post on her personal blog about how she is "decluttering" her life.  She referred to an incident last fall where she decided, against my advice, to get rid of her entire collection of arts and craft supplies, over 30 years' worth.  It was very upsetting to her and frustrating to me.  Yet in her blog she described it as a refreshing and positive experience, and the first step in her new process of decluttering and simplifying her life.

What dawned on me is that she has decided to rewrite the entire circumstance of our divorce.  She has cast herself as the reasonable, brave, capable woman ready to tackle this new experience.  She is Mary Tyler Moore in the big city, throwing her hat in the air.  It explains several things, including why she has told almost no one except a very few close friends.   I suspect that once she has decided on the "official" version of what has happened, she will begin going public with her side of the story.  If I'm right, I can almost guarantee that within six months, she will be telling everyone that she divorced me!     It would be far from the first time she has totally reversed reality, and once she decides on a story she sticks to it like Super Glue.  

Do I care?  Not a bit, as long as we end up unmarried.  It can be my fault, her fault, the cat's fault for all I care.  My only stipulation is that if she starts claiming that she left because I had an affair, I will demand she produce the mistress, because I've been missing out on some action  

[Sunfl0wer]

This makes sense.  An actress, Playing a part in a new role.  I'm glad you figured it out.  That can help you enjoy your peace of mind.

My uBPDx was recently being nice-ish.  I just figured out why.  There is always a why, now isn't there?  I hate to sound jaded all the time, but with them, it is just called being realistic.  Anyway, he found a new apartment.  He must be have projected onto me the assumption that I would react in a rage at him.  Well, I'm glad us separating makes him feel guilty, because at least his guilt will bring me peace for this time. Whew!

[Grey Kitty]

... .so... .now that you have some idea where this is coming from... .and you do know your wife better than anybody else here... .

Do you think it will 'stick' long enough to finish a divorce and sell the house?

[jedimaster]

... .so... .now that you have some idea where this is coming from... .and you do know your wife better than anybody else here... .

Do you think it will 'stick' long enough to finish a divorce and sell the house?

I do think that if that is what she is thinking, she will keep it up at least all the way through the divorce, so that she has a good "story" in her own mind.  Barring of course anything that might be a strong trigger.  I'm trying to be as pleasant as possible and limit my contact (did I ever mention my parents live next door? I can look out their back door into her front door) to minimize any triggering opportunities.  Her lawyer has asked for my financials, so we are just about to get into the negotiating phase. If we can navigate that without a blowup, we stand a good chance of getting through this in a civil manner.  If she wants to be the one who decided the marriage was over, I don't care.  The end result is the same and that's all I care about.