45 days not seen, 20 days N/C... can I resist when my xBPDgf reaches out?

[dagwoodbowser]

So I am now on my 20th day of N/C, over 45 days since our last night together. First 10 days I was paralyzed in a deep well of sadness and depression. Couldnt eat, couldnt sleep. Chills and trembling. My mind obsessed  and played erotic scenarios of our intense taboo sexual encounters. I started taking longer and longer walks and now something I do daily. Before I start I reciet the Lords Prayer, focus inwardly and visualize her and tell myself and God that I Forgive her. More and more days are positive where I feel alive again... free. Somedays it's crash and burn.

I did about 4 recycles. Over the past year I have been buying calendars where each day you can write commentary or make notes. I used it to mark off each day that passed, with brief notes... sort of like a brief diary. I looked over last years calendar and there were 2 recycles last year. One ended last February, the other in August. What I saw was a unique pattern. Seemed that after 20 to 25 days I would get a random text, call or email. In each case I would respond the next day. 7-10 days would pass and she would hit something back across the net. This would go on for a while and then stop. However, around 3 months (80 days or so) she would come on really strong. The texts and emails a gushing fountain of her regret and her yearning to be with me. Sure enough, I would fall for it. After this last recycle, I had a mini stroke, what is called a TIA. My left hand went numb and had to be hospitalized. The way she just suddenly turned me to Black and dropped me on my head was terrible timing as there were other negative factors playing out.

Truly, this last episode with her just about killed me and I am afraid. I am afraid of how strong I can truly be. I installed an app on my phone called Blacklist which blocks texts and calls and her number is there. Email settings where any of the 2 addresses she uses will be deleted so I dont even have to know if she sent anything. I love this woman. However, I sometimes dont know if she loves me or not. I know for sure that I may not survive another round. I know what I have to do and not do... just wondering if anyone out there has experienced this?

[Reecer1588]

 Before I start I reciet the Lords Prayer, focus inwardly and visualize her and tell myself and God that I Forgive her. More and more days are positive where I feel alive again... free. Somedays it's crash and burn.

Trying to forgive someone who was hurt you so badly, and make absolutely no attempt to reconcile with you, is denying how you really feel. I am also exactly 45 days NC with my exgf. I gave up the notion of trying to "forgive her" because I read insightful posts from user 2010. Therapists, common wisdom, religion, tells us to forgive; however, this is DENYING how you really feel. This sort of blocking of your real emotions/feelings deep inside might be contributing to your intense cognitive dissonance

Do yourself a favor. Don't forgive her. She doesn't deserve that or anything else from You.

Allow yourself to feel the anger, the sadness, depression. I'm NOT saying become vindictive.

But stop trying to deny how you really feel.

Your feelings are just as important as hers. Stop giving her the right to feel but deny yourself the right.


I understand not everyone will agree with this.

But I am a religious person myself.

In my honest opinion, (take this for what it is worth), God did not intend for you to "Forgive" and deny how you really feel.


Sorry for the long reply.

TL:)R: Stop denying how you really feel. Stop forgiving someone who doesn't deserve it.

All the best


~Reece

[dagwoodbowser]

Do yourself a favor. Don't forgive her. She doesn't deserve that or anything else from You.

Allow yourself to feel the anger, the sadness, depression. I'm NOT saying become vindictive.

But stop trying to deny how you really feel.

Your feelings are just as important as hers. Stop giving her the right to feel but deny yourself the right.

Reece, I can understand where your coming from. I have in fact felt and experienced the anger, the sadness, the depression. Does she deserve my forgiveness? Probably not. However, most everything I've read on this type of situation is that part of letting go of omeone that hurt you is to release them, let them go. Each time I went back I tried a different approach and it has finally dawned on me that I will simply never be enough for her. Doesnt matter sexually (she's a nymphomaniac and I'm tired of her orbitors), financially she's an impulsive spendaholic or uses any spare money for her drug/alcohol habits and emotionally the more I show her how much I care, value and love her the more she grasps at straws to tell her friends and family what a horrible person I am. So, I surrender, I am Done. My approach may not work. My main question was this Time I want to be strong enough to avoid, ignore her seduction. I realize it's a game to her to snag me... to woo me.

[Reecer1588]

Do yourself a favor. Don't forgive her. She doesn't deserve that or anything else from You.

Allow yourself to feel the anger, the sadness, depression. I'm NOT saying become vindictive.

But stop trying to deny how you really feel.

Your feelings are just as important as hers. Stop giving her the right to feel but deny yourself the right.

Reece, I can understand where your coming from. I have in fact felt and experienced the anger, the sadness, the depression. Does she deserve my forgiveness? Probably not. However, most everything I've read on this type of situation is that part of letting go of omeone that hurt you is to release them, let them go. Each time I went back I tried a different approach and it has finally dawned on me that I will simply never be enough for her. Doesnt matter sexually (she's a nymphomaniac and I'm tired of her orbitors), financially she's an impulsive spendaholic or uses any spare money for her drug/alcohol habits and emotionally the more I show her how much I care, value and love her the more she grasps at straws to tell her friends and family what a horrible person I am. So, I surrender, I am Done. My approach may not work. My main question was this Time I want to be strong enough to avoid, ignore her seduction. I realize it's a game to her to snag me... to woo me.

You are right on track. Again sorry If my first post came across as crass. I just have strong feelings on that subject.

About the 'game' concept, you are right in that it is indeed a game to her. But her motive isn't machiavellan or pre-determined (I will woo him now), rather it is much more about HER. I feel bad= I will contact that part of me I lost (You)

I was also doing something about the comment you made about her being a nympho. I actually lost my virginity to one in high school. I think it's a sad existence they must have. To them, they CRAVE sex, they have to fulfill an urge.

We on the other hand, have sex in order to create a deep, intimate connection with our partners (at least that's what I would like to think we do)

One last thing: I often make the mistake of envying my ex, envying her ability to just "eliminate me." Jealous of her new life without me. But trust me, they aren't worth envying. In my case, she's gained 20 pounds, can't find a replacement, teeth are yellow, seems like she is in an emotional turmoil now... .Yeah nothing to be envious of.

All the best to you,


Reece

[once removed]

dagwoodbowser, it seems to me that noticing the pattern of reengaging might keep you focused on it, feeling its inevitable, understandably so. ime 20 days feels like a minute. theres little concept of being psychologically removed even with very limited contact, so do give yourself a break.

if youre indeed committed to NC, then id suggest simply ignoring any effort. or, if youre not comfortable with that, changing your approach and being short, boring, and distant. think about this: you are aware of both the pattern of reengaging and the inevitable outcome of responding.