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Author Topic: Healed, browsing trough my history of interactions with the board...  (Read 585 times)
borderdude
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 295



« on: March 21, 2015, 10:45:55 PM »

All I can say is... .what happened really, was i totally brainedwashed? In a hypnotized State? Was it the real me who performed all these replies with you?


I always tried to adapt to the partner, by giving away my boundaries, letting go og my values, lie to myself, until there where no more self to be detected. Falsely self adjusted myself to her.

I really went to a fantasy world, because my partner was a acting out a fantasy. BY not living in the reality and add to the lies, I lost myself in the process.
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borderdude
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 295



« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2015, 10:57:50 PM »

This board has served its purpose and passed the test, mildely spoken. Have a friend who after 20 years still engage in a borderline fog, I was lucky and got support from the right people when I needed It,


It has been a period of learning, most of all about my self and my boundaries. And no, I am not at all strong enough to take on a BPD rs, but I admire those who do those kind of rs, what are you made of?


She really hijacked my feelings, just like I would care for a child, not an ordinary healthy adult rs setting.
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Inside
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2015, 12:37:38 AM »

Borderdude,

They’ll take down those who give; and from what I’ve learned, most around here are loving givers... .  Because of that, we’re sucked dry.  But what we don’t know is that it’s by design, we are purposefully driven away by someone knowing they’re totally incapable of matching or living up to the depth of our love.  So after they’ve taken all they can, they shove away, blame us - and run.  They are scared to death we’ll discover how shallow, immature and limited they are…  And if they can’t/ don’t blame us ... .it must be them.  But it can’t be - because if it were, they’d not be worthy of life, let alone us…  I feel sorrier for them an us :'(, we’ll heal.

It’s as vicious a human condition as I’ve ever witnessed or experienced - absolutely insidious.  But it’s not their fault… or ours...   It’s a permanent biological condition that no amount of drugs, therapy or love can fix.  But we don’t care - we love them anyway.  But - they won’t let us.  It’s all too much for their limited minds … forever-children with the appearance and responsibilities of adults.  Either diving into or creating one disaster after another ... .because nothing they do feels right or makes sense.  And the harder anyone works to stabilize them the faster they self-destruct - taking down those closest to them.

Humans are a competitive lot, more often putting others down while placing some on a temporary pedestal than looking to cooperate.  As we’re in constant competition, or have grown up abusively criticized, we learn to suspect or doubt ourselves first.  Those who either sidestep or quickly escape a BPD r/s are likely the few with a solid and healthy feeling of self.  The rest of us are like raw meat to a pwBPD … and they’ll consume us.  What’s left is witnessed around here ... .those attempting to rejuvenate after a horrific trauma…  It’s Hell - and that’s coming from a guy who doesn't believe in such a place.

So, we’re targeted and attacked because of our personality flaws, the most difficult aspects of our lives to change - then left to repair those flaws in a weakened or battered state.  We’re in pain and spinning ~ damage upon damage...   I’ve seen it suggested we “fix ourselves first,” to me, another harsh attack... .  Others suggest we “get over” our BPx’s ... .easier said than done - and often something we’ve been working on for months - or years! 

I say escape, then ride it out, and if you can do therapy - do it.  Anyone familiar with BPD will so love to have and help you ... .as compared to the person having further messed you up.  And, you get to work on the reason’s you were susceptible in the first place!  I rode it out without therapy but with folks around here and the best of friends ... .but I’m shifting some major gears in life so have taken several steps back anyway.  ‘Hell,’ it’s Saturday Night and I’m doing this!  But it’s alright, and so are you.  I think we’re good people, impressive in many many ways…  We care, if we didn’t, we’d not have to work through it.  I’d rather care, and am proud to feel surrounded by others who feel the same … some still staggering & spinning, and those like myself who are beginning to spot BPD anywhere and everywhere.  We helped or pwBPD - now it’s time we help ourselves and those who can appreciate our love. 

Get your ___ in order, stabilize, consolidate, reorganize and learn.  As you do, the hell you’ve been through will become a ‘degree,’ something you earned and knowledge no one can ever take away from you!  You will shine, and other’s - healthy others will notice.  And you’ll see a large swath of life than you ever knew existed, and it’s peaceful and beautiful.  There’s more than hope - there’s a kick-ass future out there - so prepare yourself Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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LimboFL
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 330


« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2015, 08:15:50 AM »

Thank you Inside, for that excellent post.

There is a slowly subsiding part of me that yearns to find someone new with whom I can share and love. However, 4 years spent in a relationship with my exBPDgf, who I still love very deeply has made it's impact. The more I read about the need to address my own "flaws" the more I am starting to appreciate this necessity. That finding new love is ill advised, at this point, no matter how much I want to.

There was a time where, whenever I was on this board, my focus was on trying to identify coping mechanisms and a direction on how I could adjust my on behavior to accommodate hers, all in the name of trying to soothe and guide the relationship into more positive territory. It is weird how my focus has slowly shifted into a search for red flags, the search for reasons why nothing I could have done could have accomplished the desired objective of nudging things down the right path. This search is turning from a trip into the darkness of the disorder into a voyage where the shades are slowly being opened and the light is being allowed space in the room. Letting go is not easy but necessary.

There has been a lot of guilt with internal voices saying "if only I had done this or not done that". That guilt is subsiding in favor of those voices saying "there is nothing that I could have done, that so much of the negative emotions I felt or expressed were in reaction to hers and not inherent in me.

What I deeply appreciate is your statement that it isn't their fault. This was the reason why so many of us stayed, after we had an understanding of what we were up again. Our empathy only made us love them more and drove us to excuse unacceptable behaviors. For all of the difficulties we had growing up ourselves, very few of us could ever imagine what it was like under the tortuous circumstances many of of ex pwBPD's experienced. We wanted to be different, to not give up on them, to show them that they were genuinely loved, but in the end we realize that they don't know how to accept true love. They fear it and recoil from it.

I am fortunate because my ex stepped over a couple of boundaries that I could not accept, so I have banished the guilt and decided to protect myself.

It IS a degree that we have earned and one that came at a tremendous cost. 

Thanks, again, for your insightful post, Inside.
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thicker skin
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 255



« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2015, 08:27:03 AM »

 There’s more than hope - there’s a kick-ass future out there - so prepare yourself Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

You're 100 percent right Inside  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It can be as beautiful as it was horrific... .It's all down to us to make the right call and do our homework.
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borderdude
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 295



« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2015, 10:07:32 AM »

Inside, your post was beautifully defined, I have to digest it a little , anyway thank-you for caring about my little view.
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Inside
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 604



« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2015, 11:00:32 AM »

LimboFL, you’re welcome... and equally appreciated Smiling (click to insert in post)

Letting go is not easy but necessary.



With regard to a pwBPD, that should be framed.  I was run off or left multiple times, and doubting myself.  In the end, I left, having concluded things would never change.  My BPDxgf lacked the capacity to grow, not me... .

There has been a lot of guilt with internal voices saying "if only I had done this or not done that". That guilt is subsiding in favor of those voices saying "there is nothing that I could have done, that so much of the negative emotions I felt or expressed were in reaction to hers and not inherent in me.

Well put.  In order to disguise their condition, those closest are blamed.  As loving and trusting people, we initially accept that blame.  But the question appears to be: for how long?  How long does it take for us to figure out it’s them … as they leave us in a smoke trail…  And how much of our life-energy and self-esteem is drained away before we finally discover it’s not us... ?  How much additional damage have we experienced? 

Ours was truly a mission impossible :'( 

We wanted to be different, to not give up on them, to show them that they were genuinely loved, but in the end we realize that they don't know how to accept true love. They fear it and recoil from it.

Yes…  And we need to use that understanding as our reason to move away; it will never be right, it can’t be.  But not only have we lost the focus of our love, we appear to harbor lingering doubts over our inability to have made it work, viewing the r/s as a failure…  As messed up as our partners are, they appear to have chosen us well, those willing to doubt themselves before others.  Perhaps as an enhanced self defence, we’ll at least begin to recognize the behavior that so deeply hurt us … yet retain our positive and caring view of others. 

Are we victims of our kindness, or a naivety... ?  Well, with our priceless degrees, we’re certain to be less naive Smiling (click to insert in post)
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