Estranged BPD mother update

[Spruce927]

Hi All,

I just joined this group and posted a bit of my story as of recent.  I got some nice replies and one of the moderators encouraged me to keep telling my story.  Even the two replies I got made me feel that SOMEONE out there understands when I have lived so long with the feeling of being "alone" in experiencing a BPD parent and trying to grasp their behavior.

I have not spoken to my mother in almost 4 weeks.  This is the longest I have ever gone (I'm 30) without speaking to her.  Usually, even during her vicious attacks i'll write back SOMETHING.  This time I have completely cut her off.  The only "contact" I even have with her name is my with my father.  Her and my dad have been divorced since I was 25.  Him and I became estranged for a while (I wrote before my mother made up a fake email address and contacted him for almost 3 years as me.)  Now we have taken some inventory of the past, and I've come to find out some very hurtful things.  My mom lied endlessly about my father.  I cannot believe she wrote these emails. 

My moms "style" of BPD is very text book.  She is magnetic and people who do not know her well instantly like her.  Every single one of her relationship ends in some dramatic fashion.  From wild stories about how a recent friend tried to "come onto her" to ways that she's been dramatically wronged.  When she moved to her place after her divorce, she had a blow out with her neighbor.  She thrives on chaos, has endless energy that's generally channelled into her being an endless victim.  She had chosen to become VERY emotionally dependent on me.  I would literally give up plans with friends to "stay with her."  She HATES to be alone.  Most of her conversations have to do with my father and how terrible he is.  I have been in a  serious relationship for almost 2 years.  My mom has tried to ruin that relationship since it started.  I believe she knew how serious and well we are fit for each other (sad I know.)  She also was treated because my partner is a therapist.  She'd constantly say "you won't diagnose me."  She'd also lash out and send the both of us horrible emails. 

My mom has called me every single name in the book.  Some so vulgar, I'd probably be blocked from this forum.  I think most people would be STUNNED to hear their mother speak this way, but my response is usually just indifference.  She loves to call me "lazy" and loves saying "everyone thinks this" and "everyone has told her that I'm a brat."  She knows about my damaged relationship with my dad and since not speaking with her she's written "Let me remind you, you're alone in the world."  Wow, nice.  Then a couple of hours later she literally wrote me "I love you more than the world, mom."  When she feels guilt/realizes how she flew off the handle bars it's tears and she was "under stress." 

At the current time while I'm not speaking to her she's writing my father constantly.  She faked a breast cancer surgery to my father and is apparently still in the "hospital."  I am so glad that I finally found information on this disorder.  I feel like I finally have a name for the "problem."

As I'm not talking with my mom, I'm trying to heal and learn about my life and the way my mothers illness affected it.  I wanted to know if anyone out there notices certain behavior they do in their ADULT life BECAUSE of their BPD mother.  Her lack of presence in my life has me examining my behavior deeper. 

Thanks all!

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Spruce927!    Welcome to the forum. Your mom sounds like a real piece of work. I want to congratulate you on being able to take a big enough step away that you can begin healing and examining yourself to see how you want to continue to grow as your own person.

... .that sentence sounds patronizing; let me add that I'm on here tonight because I received unwanted happy-birthday correspondence from my uBPDmil, my uBPD/NPD grandfather and religious-fanatic grandmother, and my uBPDmom in the last two days, and one of the ways I myself struggle to heal and grow is in what I do when feeling threatened by my pwBPD's refusal to just leave me the hell alone. So I'm taking a deep breath and doing something productive with my irritation. Or at least trying to.   

As I'm not talking with my mom, I'm trying to heal and learn about my life and the way my mothers illness affected it.  I wanted to know if anyone out there notices certain behavior they do in their ADULT life BECAUSE of their BPD mother.  Her lack of presence in my life has me examining my behavior deeper. 

Thanks all!

Well, one tendency I have as a result of my upbringing by BPDmom is to constantly try to manage other people's emotions for them. I find that it is difficult to know when I'm being tactful (this is something that is supposed to be good) and kind (likewise) and when I've gone over the line into spinning conversations just the right way to avoid upsetting someone (which, for me, is over the line into manipulation.) I feel a bit like an overreactive pendulum-swinger on the matter, because in order to avoid managing others' emotions for them, I sometimes become unduly abrasive/blunt. Or maybe it's not unduly. Maybe it's just fine. At any rate, I'm getting better at not worrying about it - accepting that this is a way I'm flawed and will not always be my best, and that that won't ruin anyone else's day, or necessarily their understanding of me.

[rebl.brown]

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am so proud of you, both for sharing and for taking time out to process what has gone on in your relationship with your mom.  Don't give up, keep at it, it will get better and you will learn how to handle her and to have a happy life.  Don't give up!

My BPDmother left me with big trust issues.  They've improved tremendously but trust, it is very hard.  I agree with the other poster too.  I constantly try to read people and manage their emotions.  Over time I have almost completely stopped that but if I'm not careful I will fall right back into it.  Trust, letting go of the things I cannot control like others emotions and thoughts and problems is so important.  The training the BPmothers do to us makes that hard.  It becomes so automatic.

[clljhns]

  Spruce927,

I wanted to know if anyone out there notices certain behavior they do in their ADULT life BECAUSE of their BPD mother.  Her lack of presence in my life has me examining my behavior deeper. 

I don't know if there is enough space to list all of the  I "inherited" from my uBPDmom. 

I know that being on the defensive at all times was the hallmark of my existence. I constantly tested the water with anyone I came into contact with and often would misread or misinterpret their actions. Often, I assumed that I was being mistreated, or targeted. So, I was paranoid about others intentions. I also was in "fight or flight" mode almost 24/7 for many years. Even though this finally seemed to diminish, I would still have episodes of feeling like I needed to run immediately. I felt danger all around me. I was hyper-sensitive to others' needs. I would give up myself and my needs to please others. All the while, trying to get my needs met by doing this. Co-dependent to the max! I constantly had the negative messages from my mother and father running through my head, which would interrupt conversations with people and result in miscommunication. I can relate to what you wrote about your mom's abusive verbal attacks. My mother also called me and my siblings vile names and would tell us that we were worthless and wouldn't amount to much. She didn't stop with us, she also did this to our children. Another issue for me was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I always felt that something would go wrong in a relationship and would look for the signs. Funny thing here is, I didn't look for signs of problems in the relationship until after I married the man. Then, miraculously, the problems would "arise." My thinking was clouded. I found it hard to concentrate and stay focused, so I easily became a multi-tasker. I would start many projects and finish them, but it always took me much longer to complete, than if I had just started one project and completed it before moving on the next project. I was an incredibly needy person who needed reassurance from others that I was doing the right thing and couldn't stand the thought of being alone. I would rather have had a lousy relationship with a friend or husband, than be alone.

So, these are some of the fleas that I have worked on for many years. I am happy to tell you that I am no longer hyper-sensitive to others' needs and am quite comfortable being alone. I have been single for almost 5 years, and it has been wonderful. I like myself and enjoy being with myself for the first time in my life. I started working on the negative messages more than 20 years ago, and am free from these messages taking up space in my head.  I don't feel the need to go into "fight or flight" mode anymore. I finally gave myself permission to experience what ever was causing me to feel this way and trust myself that I would make the right decision. My T has helped me so much in all of these areas! I am not perfect and there are still days that I doubt my decisions. I still get down and wonder if I will ever put all of this truly behind me. In the end, it has helped to look back at how far I have come to see the progress I have made. This helps keep me going and having trusted people here on this site to encourage me has been invaluable in my healing.

I hope this answers your question, and gives you hope that anything is possible. You can rid yourself of your  as well! 

[Spruce927]

Again, how NICE it is to read that people actually take the time to respond to my posts.  I am totally new to even typing these things.  The ONLY person I've told the entire details to is my partner, so this is the first type I'm typing/reading part of my story that I held for secret so long. 

It feels good to get these feelings out and like the first response said work on growing into who I want to be.  I feel empowered that I'm telling my story, and even better that people are experiencing the same thing as I am. 

Like one of the responders on this thread said, my mother IS a piece of work.  I look back at the past couple of years and I almost feel stupid for how much of my time and energy I gave to her.  I guess I was always in hope that she would "get better."  After my parents divorce I felt sorry for her and didn't want her to feel so alone.  I wanted to be there for her.  The fact is that she was abusive and hurtful. 

The reason I posted, was because now that I'm looking at my mother I'm obviously looking at myself.  I can't help but think since I finally came to terms with how truly sick she is that I have to have some issues from being raised by a person like this.  I smiled at the word "fleas" because I for sure have some fleas because of my mother.   Thanks again for the support!

[clljhns]

  Spruce927,

I feel empowered that I'm telling my story, and even better that people are experiencing the same thing as I am.

I am so happy to know that this has given you the support and encouragement you needed! Know that we are hear to listen, support, and encourage. You are always welcome here and I look forward to hearing more of your story.

By the way,  are something that we all have in common here, so definitely understand your need to self-evaluate. 


Glad you are here. 

[Suzn]

Hello Spruce  

Welcome. I'm sorry you went through all of this with your mother.    I get needing to take a break for yourself. I did the same not long ago. I am now LC (limited contact). The only contact we have really is from afar on Facebook. We aren't really talking but she's let go of her vice grip hold by way of text after text trying to reel me back in. My mom is more waif/hermit so I don't have the same war like stories like some of the stories you read on this board. I'm thankful for that part. My biggest flea would have to be fear. I lived in fear, about everything, all my life. She passed catastrophic thinking on to me. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I will be looking into EDMR. It's held me back from tons of things I would have done otherwise.

I can't imagine my mom sending emails to someone pretending to be me. That must be really hard to know your mother has done this. My mother has vented to family members and I've gotten caught up in triangulation in the past. Today I have nothing to do with those that get involved and either take her side or those that decide from what she's said to take mine. Both are uncomfortable.

I'm really glad you found us and are taking on the courageous task of a look within yourself. I read something another poster said on a different board, she told a member "you have the gift of introspection." I thought that was pretty awesome way to word working on yourself.