Am I the weird one? Am I the exception now?

[going places]

I will make this quick

Lady comes into my workplace. Grabs a table, says it will be a party of 3

Lets me know she got there early to get a seat.

And that she is meeting her exhusband and his new toy, so they can be friends.

The look of horror on my face was clear.

She assured me it was going to be 'ok'.

Well, after 2-3 hours, she left, in tears, while her ex and new toy sat at the table and ate, laughing at her.

I KNEW this was not going to end well.

Ok, I GET IT, that if you have children and you have to see the ex (court ordered) that you and your ex should be adults, and do what's best in the interest of the children.

WHAT I DON'T GET is ex's who are 'friends' with each other and their new 'person'?

Of the billions of people in the world I could be friends with, why in God's Name would I want to be friends with the person that abused me and his new trick?

I hear all the time (I'm a bartender) about ex wives / ex husbands who are 'friends' on Facebook with the new person, follow them on social media, meet for cocktails... .WHAT?

That's messed up.

Is it because I am 'old fashioned'? Is this some new 'modern trend'?

Is it because I was abused, and my mind cannot process this?

Is it because it's just so not normal, so wrong, that I just can't wrap my head around it?

There is NO chance I will EVER have to worry about this with my ex. I made it CLEAR to him that this was NOT going to be like his parents; where his mom and her bf and his dad and the woman that destroyed the marriage have DINNER TOGETHER... .

OMG that is just so screwed up?

5 years after my ex's dad dumped his mother (married 25 years) for a woman 10 years her jr. that was a family friend and co-worker... .

5 years later, his mother, who was living with and had been living with her ex's friend (moved in w him 4 months after they divorced) is at their weekend spot... .she gets drunk (she does not drink) and BURNS her wedding dress on the "30th Anniversary".

THIS IS A WOMAN who was still hurting.

This was her cry, that it still hurts.

And yet for YEARS she would go out to dinner with her ex and the woman who broke up her marriage... .play nice, smile and conversate.

No friggin' way. There is no friggin' way.

That is so messed up.

Am I out of touch?

Does anyone else see this as messed up as I do?

[Sunfl0wer]

If someone is "my ex," I typically feel that it is most healthy to not seek to be involved in their life in anyway. 

However, if it is an ex I had kids with, I may want to be on fine terms with his new partner and get to know her as she would be influencing my kids.

[hope2727]

I learned in a psych class once long ago that about 6% of people remain amicable and cooperative after a divorce. Not neutral but truly friendly. My really good friend B is one of these. He and his wife had 2 lovely children and just ran out of steam. They weren't angry or bitter just not in love at all. They bought houses down the block from one another and co-parented well together. She met someone with a child and B and his ex and the new man all cooperated to help raise all 3. B would sometimes pick all 3 kids up from school if it was cold. The ex or her new man would throw on an extra steak and tell B to come over if they saw it was late and he wasn't home yet. (He's a bear when his good sugar is low). When the ex went away with the new man for a weekend B took all 3 kids camping. It is a really kind caring situation. IT can be done but there has to be no cruelty start to finish.

[going places]

Hope I guess I can see it when there was no abuse / infidelity... .still seems so weird to me... .but it is for the children.

But to have an affair, destroy a marriage, wreck the children because on spouse was a selfish monster THEN EXPECT everyone to just sweep it under the rug and be buddies?

That's just messed up.

[Notwendy]

Since I am not in this situation, I don't know how I would feel, however, I speculate that a consideration for me would be if there were kids. If this man had a new girlfriend, and we have children, then this new woman would be part of the childrens' lives. In this case, I would want to have a relationship with an ex and the woman. I do think it is worth tolerating my own bad feelings, because I am an adult. Kids are kids and don't see the whole picture. They are little magical thinkers and may think that dad left them because they were "bad kids" or whatever.

If the woman, or any number of women remain in a parent's life, then she will likely be present at graduations, weddings, and other family occasions. If it is in the best interest of the kids to remain amicable, then that's a reason to do so.

Although forgiveness would be a tall order, the benefit of forgiveness ( not forgetting, but letting go of resentment) would be for me. In this case, I think it is worth it to make that effort.

[going places]

I agree, forgiveness is not only healing and amazing, but it's Commanded.

However, you can forgive someone for an offense.

And you should.

If a neighbor, rapes your child, forgiveness is Commanded.

Asking that neighbor to babysit? Um, totally unacceptable.

You forgive what what done.

You pray for the perpetrator, you do not repay evil for evil.

HOWEVER, that does not mean you just 'go with the flow' and 'not rock the boat' and allow someone the opportunity to cause you harm again. You can forgive, but you do not have to sign up for more abuse by 'allowing what others think about you'.

Maybe I am not clear.

I think adults, should act like adults, when children are involved.

HOWEVER... .the ex husband and ex wife who share children, are the #1 people in those children's lives.

Ex wife and ex husband need to find a way to continue to parent to the best of their ability given the situation.

What I am talking about, that is so bizzare to me is the ex's, with their new partners all being buddy's going out and having a beer, playing cards, having a dinner together... .like they are just 'neighbors'. ESPECIALLY when abuse and infidelity are the cause of the divorce... .

[rarsweet]

I am a bartender also, I have a customer who comes in with his current wife and 2 ex wives. Yes they all hang out together, the women shop together. They are all great friends. I think its mind blowing. A friend of mine, her parents have been divorced 20 years, they all go on vacation together with the new spouces. It can happen, but yes its weird.

[Panda39]

I am a bartender also, I have a customer who comes in with his current wife and 2 ex wives. Yes they all hang out together, the women shop together. They are all great friends. I think its mind blowing. A friend of mine, her parents have been divorced 20 years, they all go on vacation together with the new spouces. It can happen, but yes its weird.

I think it can happen but it really depends on the type of relationship and break up you had in the original relationship or if something changes regarding that relationship post break up.

If the relationship was high conflict to begin with and/or if the divorce was high conflict I think it is doubtful anyone will be getting along very well post divorce... .hopefully if kids are in the mix everyone will be on their best behavior. (This could improve if there is some forgiveness post split)

However if the initial relationship was okay... .just not what everyone wanted but not hostile and the divorce was amicable I could see this at least being a friendly situation post divorce.  Not necessarily everyone hanging out together all the time but truly okay being in the same room with each other This would be a good situation for the kids.

Having both new families co-mingling a lot could be the ideal for the kids.  But when I left my marriage I felt like I was moving forward and moving on.  I really wouldn't be interested in hanging out with my ex and his new SO it feels like going backwards into something I am already done with... .besides my 48yo ex-husband's new SO is 26 and I'm 51 so I don't think we would really have much to talk about.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't think being friends with your ex and your ex's new partner is a universal one-size-fits-all situation.

Some breakups are horrible toxic painful things full of betrayal. Others are relatively clean.

Some relationships are full of a toxic mess of conflict and abuse, and need to end for the health of both parties. Others end due to incompatible life plans or goals.

I'm separated from my wife. Fortunately I'm not living near her right now. I'm making a choice to avoid most any contact beyond personal business, as we have lots of joint stuff to deal with still. I'm choosing that because I need to grieve the loss of our marriage, and if I were to spend more time with her it would mess that up. I hope that months or years from now, we'll be close friends again--there is a lot of good connection, respect, love between us still. She has decided that she can't be in a marriage with me, probably can't even be in a relationship with anybody right now. That is a rejection, and it hurts.

Heck, I remember being on a camping trip for a week... .it was four couples. One woman had previously been involved with two of the guys and was currently involved with the third one. Both her exes had a new partner. All of them seemed OK with it, although I suspect that the new girlfriend of one of the guys was a touch uncomfortable. (I wonder if I should have had a fling with this woman to even things out     )

And that she is meeting her exhusband and his new toy, so they can be friends.

The look of horror on my face was clear.

She assured me it was going to be 'ok'.

Well, after 2-3 hours, she left, in tears, while her ex and new toy sat at the table and ate, laughing at her.

I KNEW this was not going to end well.

This woman and her ex obviously weren't ready to be friends. He was awful, and she got hurt.

It had to be hard to watch.

I hope she learns that this is a bad idea, or (at best) something she's not ready for yet... .before she accepts the next invitation.

I'm not detached enough for that kind of thing yet... .and I know it.

[going places]

It was VERY hard to watch.

I had the other bartender take care of them.

I was on the 'edge' of a complete meltdown... .fading in and out of 'reality'... .my mind trying to run from 'the pain'... .but tryin to stay 'in the moment' because I WAS AT WORK! AHHHHHHH

Talk about an 'out of body experience'.

My heart broke for that poor woman.

I hope the new wife took notes, because if the ex can treat the mother of his child with such disrespect and disgust; I hope she doesn't think 'she's so special' that she will 'never see this side of him'... .cause that's just plain dumb.

[Grey Kitty]

It was VERY hard to watch.

I had the other bartender take care of them.

I was on the 'edge' of a complete meltdown... .fading in and out of 'reality'... .my mind trying to run from 'the pain'... .but tryin to stay 'in the moment' because I WAS AT WORK! AHHHHHHH

 Managing it that way was an awesome way to take care of yourself in a really difficult situation.

 My heart would probably break too. I hope that all three of those people learn the lesson that was presented to them that time.

[Rifka]

I will make this quick

Lady comes into my workplace. Grabs a table, says it will be a party of 3

Lets me know she got there early to get a seat.

And that she is meeting her exhusband and his new toy, so they can be friends.

The look of horror on my face was clear.

She assured me it was going to be 'ok'.

Well, after 2-3 hours, she left, in tears, while her ex and new toy sat at the table and ate, laughing at her.

I KNEW this was not going to end well.

Ok, I GET IT, that if you have children and you have to see the ex (court ordered) that you and your ex should be adults, and do what's best in the interest of the children.

WHAT I DON'T GET is ex's who are 'friends' with each other and their new 'person'?

Of the billions of people in the world I could be friends with, why in God's Name would I want to be friends with the person that abused me and his new trick?

I hear all the time (I'm a bartender) about ex wives / ex husbands who are 'friends' on Facebook with the new person, follow them on social media, meet for cocktails... .WHAT?

That's messed up.

Is it because I am 'old fashioned'? Is this some new 'modern trend'?

Is it because I was abused, and my mind cannot process this?

Is it because it's just so not normal, so wrong, that I just can't wrap my head around it?

There is NO chance I will EVER have to worry about this with my ex. I made it CLEAR to him that this was NOT going to be like his parents; where his mom and her bf and his dad and the woman that destroyed the marriage have DINNER TOGETHER... .

OMG that is just so screwed up?

5 years after my ex's dad dumped his mother (married 25 years) for a woman 10 years her jr. that was a family friend and co-worker... .

5 years later, his mother, who was living with and had been living with her ex's friend (moved in w him 4 months after they divorced) is at their weekend spot... .she gets drunk (she does not drink) and BURNS her wedding dress on the "30th Anniversary".

THIS IS A WOMAN who was still hurting.

This was her cry, that it still hurts.

And yet for YEARS she would go out to dinner with her ex and the woman who broke up her marriage... .play nice, smile and conversate.

No friggin' way. There is no friggin' way.

That is so messed up.

Am I out of touch?

Does anyone else see this as messed up as I do?

I agree it is not a one-size-fits-all. My children's father and myself are best friends. Our marriage didn't end because of infidelity or anything bad it just ended because we grew apart. There was some hurt feelings but it was never because of another person it was because of ourselves so I think it's a different situation. We are still business partners, parents, and completely there for each other as friends. We meet weekly for business and children conversations and exchanges of documents for both. He did meet my exBPD a few times at parties or concerts we all attended together. My children's father will one day become a grandparent as I do. He is a good man and will always be my family, nothing more. It works because we accept nothing less. New people will come and go, but if they choose to stay, everybody must get along and check their pride and insecurities at the door in our lives. Life is way too short!

I am friends with some ex boyfriends, but none that I let abuse me!

Rifka