My Mother has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am 44 years old and I diagnosed my Mother about 4 years ago when I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother."  Looking at her behavior, I can recall symptoms of the disorder back to when I was about 13, but they may have been there before, I just don't recall as much.  Today, I have very limited contact with her, mostly because she lives in another state, but she also doesn't make a large effort to have contact with me.  She says she "loves me" and laments on "loving and missing" her 7 year old grandson "so much", but has seen him only 3 times since he was born and two of those times was me bringing him to her.

Typical of a BPD, she says all the right things, but her behavior does not follow through and therefore, I don't trust her and I am very guarded and protective of myself and my son.  My dad protects her.  I think he is aware that something is wrong with her, but she has never been formally diagnosed.  It is not an open discussion with him.  They have been married 28 years.

They want me and my son to come visit them at their new house.  I am considering it, but will limit it to 1-2 days tops.  Typical, I built a new house a few years ago and they did not come and see it, but want me to come see theirs.  I was hurt at first and now that they want me to come see their home, I am dealing with some anger.

I really wanted to post this so that other people can hear that they are not alone in living each day with a person in their lives that creates pain.

I believe it is the most difficult situation when the pain is caused by a Mother or Father with BPD.  I want to be loved for the adult I am, but it is impossible for her.  I have seen moments of hope in that she can say "I am sorry" after treating me poorly, but the fact that I am subjected to her poor behavior in the first place is difficult to forgive.

I have a supportive husband and a great life, but still feel anxious when I need to set a boundary or speak up for myself.

[BeautifulLife]

I am 44 years old and I diagnosed my Mother about 4 years ago when I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother."  Looking at her behavior, I can recall symptoms of the disorder back to when I was about 13, but they may have been there before, I just don't recall as much.  Today, I have very limited contact with her, mostly because she lives in another state, but she also doesn't make a large effort to have contact with me.  She says she "loves me" and laments on "loving and missing" her 7 year old grandson "so much", but has seen him only 3 times since he was born and two of those times was me bringing him to her.

Typical of a BPD, she says all the right things, but her behavior does not follow through and therefore, I don't trust her and I am very guarded and protective of myself and my son.  My dad protects her.  I think he is aware that something is wrong with her, but she has never been formally diagnosed.  It is not an open discussion with him.  They have been married 28 years.

They want me and my son to come visit them at their new house.  I am considering it, but will limit it to 1-2 days tops.  Typical, I built a new house a few years ago and they did not come and see it, but want me to come see theirs.  I was hurt at first and now that they want me to come see their home, I am dealing with some anger.

I really wanted to post this so that other people can hear that they are not alone in living each day with a person in their lives that creates pain.

I believe it is the most difficult situation when the pain is caused by a Mother or Father with BPD.  I want to be loved for the adult I am, but it is impossible for her.  I have seen moments of hope in that she can say "I am sorry" after treating me poorly, but the fact that I am subjected to her poor behavior in the first place is difficult to forgive.

I have a supportive husband and a great life, but still feel anxious when I need to set a boundary or speak up for myself.

[DreamGirl]

I am considering it, but will limit it to 1-2 days tops.

So, I think this is a really good limit to set for yourself. When it came to the disordered soul in my life, I could prepare myself for this kind of visit. Short and light. His narcissism still would shine, but my resilience could help me participate in a more grounded way.

I have a supportive husband and a great life, but still feel anxious when I need to set a boundary or speak up for myself.

It's hard. It's still our parents --- there is a certain standard that is just engrained into our minds, I think. It seems like this should be an easy relationship in our lives. When it comes to family members, we don't always remember that we have a certain power/authority over our lives.

Have you considered checking out any of our communication tools? It can make these kinds of visits a lot smoother.

So glad to have you here, Beautiful Life (love that name!). Welcome to our family. 

~DreamGirl

[HappyChappy]

Hi total relate to all you write. You do seem quiet aware of the situation, which is half the struggle. But welcome.

[Leaving]

I am 44 years old and I diagnosed my Mother about 4 years ago when I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother."  Looking at her behavior, I can recall symptoms of the disorder back to when I was about 13, but they may have been there before, I just don't recall as much.  Today, I have very limited contact with her, mostly because she lives in another state, but she also doesn't make a large effort to have contact with me.  She says she "loves me" and laments on "loving and missing" her 7 year old grandson "so much", but has seen him only 3 times since he was born and two of those times was me bringing him to her.

Typical of a BPD, she says all the right things, but her behavior does not follow through and therefore, I don't trust her and I am very guarded and protective of myself and my son.  My dad protects her.  I think he is aware that something is wrong with her, but she has never been formally diagnosed.  It is not an open discussion with him.  They have been married 28 years.

They want me and my son to come visit them at their new house.  I am considering it, but will limit it to 1-2 days tops.  Typical, I built a new house a few years ago and they did not come and see it, but want me to come see theirs.  I was hurt at first and now that they want me to come see their home, I am dealing with some anger.

I really wanted to post this so that other people can hear that they are not alone in living each day with a person in their lives that creates pain.

I believe it is the most difficult situation when the pain is caused by a Mother or Father with BPD.  I want to be loved for the adult I am, but it is impossible for her.  I have seen moments of hope in that she can say "I am sorry" after treating me poorly, but the fact that I am subjected to her poor behavior in the first place is difficult to forgive.

I have a supportive husband and a great life, but still feel anxious when I need to set a boundary or speak up for myself.

Beautiful,

Welcome to the group. There is so much support here and you can glean a lot of understanding and wisdom from others about yourself and your relationships. 

I too have a mother with BPD.  I didn't know until recently that she had been diagnosed with NPD when I was very young but she divorced my father and would never allow him to return even for visitation and so, I never knew what I was dealing with. My father tried to visit but my mother would make it such a violent ordeal that he quit coming in order to keep peace and not upset me. My mother used me as a pawn to fight her battles with him. Anyway,  It wasn't until I was about 20 years that I began to know something was pathologically wrong.  I had been going to therapy because my  mother told me that I needed it since my father had abandoned me and screwed me up.  In hindsight, I know that she was just manipulating me, undermining my success and confidence and projecting. Granted, I did miss my father but it didn't destroy me.  I sort of understood that it was best in order to keep peace in the family and besides, I was the invisible child of the narcissist mother so, I didn't really feel abandoned since I never felt that I existed independently from her to begin with.  Hope that makes sense.  Anyway,  during those counseling sessions, the therapist suspected that something was 'off' in my perception of my problems and my family and she asked my mother to attend a session. She didn't believe that my father was my problem and suspected that all my responses had been ' programmed' and wanted to meet my mother.   I'll spare you the horrific details of that session but basically, after about ten minutes, the therapist threw her out of the office and told me to work on making myself as independent from her as possible and have no contact with my mother. I didn't do that right away.  But, I have severed ties with her two or three times in my life for 5 or more years each time. 

I'm so glad that you have a wonderful husband. That speaks volumes about how healthy you are.  Continue to nurture your marriage and family and learn to set boundaries with your mother and you will be fine. Do you have a counselor?  I'd like to recommend a book that really helped me immensely , ' The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists'.  That book has become my bible and I listen to it anytime that I can.  It helped me to learn how to set necessary boundaries with my mother AND husband and helped me to understand what my mother did to me.   I had a wonderful husband but my mother destroyed my first marriage.  I'm not making excuses, she really did. My second marriage is a horror story because I married a man with BPD and I'm in the process of divorce.   He is my mother's twin.   

[Spruce927]

Hi There,

I first of all want to sympathize with you and your situation.  My mother is severely BPD, and it has affected my life to the point that I became physically ill.  I have finally made the decision to cut her off. 

That being said, like another response, you seem AWARE of the situation and that is indeed half the battle.  As strange as it sounds I think KNOWING that your mother has BPD (and coming to understand it) truly helps with the healing process.  My mother does not acknowledge and is in full denial of her disorder, but for me that's not important.  What's important is that I finally have a name for something I have known was a "problem" since I've been a child. 

I can relate to you on another level because my parents (while divorced now) were married for 32 years.  My father was the ultimate passive parents and enabler.  He knew there was something "wrong" like you said but never discussed it. 

It's great that you have a good life, supportive partner, and a distant life from your mother.  Please understand I know what it's like to hear this "showered with love" affect.  This is what they do.  Just don't be hurt when their actions to match what they say. 

I fully understand the anxiety you would have about bringing your child to your moms and visiting.  The problem with BPD is that you might go with the best intentions and chaos can erupt any time.  I'm 30 and have no children, but it's bad enough to walk on egg shells only thinking of YOU, I cannot imagine having to consider a child.  My only advice is to keep it short and sweet!

There are people here for you.  Good luck

[BeautifulLife]

Thank you so much for the support.  I hope this goes to everyone who wrote me... .I am still figuring out the site.  It is so nice to have friends that understand this particular type of difficult person and for many of you, it is a parent... .so hard.  My heart goes out to all of you as well.  Let's make the choice to have a GREAT day today, OK!   

[DreamGirl]

Let's make the choice to have a GREAT day today, OK!   

Absolutely! I agree.