Final discard no closure hostility please help

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was discarded for good this time recently. I wrote him a goodbye letter that made me cry I (stupidly) asked a friend to deliver. He told the mutual friend to tell me good riddance. I begged bad just to hear that directly from him so I can move on. He refuses. I don't understand the hate even if he no longer wants me around. Please someone help me. I have horrible nightmares from this everyday I feel really bad off. Someone please.

[Beach_Babe]

I was discarded for good this time recently. I wrote him a goodbye letter that made me cry I (stupidly) asked a friend to deliver. He told the mutual friend to tell me good riddance. I begged bad just to hear that directly from him so I can move on. He refuses. I don't understand the hate even if he no longer wants me around. Please someone help me. I have horrible nightmares from this everyday I feel really bad off. Someone please.

[jhkbuzz]

I was discarded for good this time recently. I wrote him a goodbye letter that made me cry I (stupidly) asked a friend to deliver. He told the mutual friend to tell me good riddance. I begged bad just to hear that directly from him so I can move on. He refuses. I don't understand the hate even if he no longer wants me around. Please someone help me. I have horrible nightmares from this everyday I feel really bad off. Someone please.

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this... .many of us have been discarded without any type of closure.  It's brutal.  I am personally learning how to give myself closure because my ex can't - or won't - give it to me.

How long were you together? Do you have any children together?

[Recooperating]

Hi Beach Babe,

I am so sorry you are going through this! Its so hard to be treated like this by the person you gave your heart, soul and pretty much everything to! Its the hardest part of the break up and we all here can relate.

Please know that it has nothing to do with you personally. His behaviour is his and it absolutely says nothing about you. He probably feels shame, pain, guilt, hurt and the only way for him to cope is to project it all on you! My dBPDexbf did the same, although he did it to me personally. And even months after break up he found a way to tell me how terrible I was, that I was the mentally ill one, he told me how happy he was now he finally got rid of me... .What he infact was showing me is that even months after break up he still felt hurt and he needed to vent and project that onto me... .Anger=pain. If he didnt care he wouldnt feel pain and he wouldnt lash out.

Staying NC and taking care of you is the best thing you can do for yourself. Accept that he is not good for you and you deserve better. I know its a cliche, but the longer you stay NC, work on yourself, the better it will get. I am now 6 months NC, 7 months post bu. I still have horrible days, but it really gets better and better. Have you read the lessons here to the right ------->

They are really helpfull in detaching and moving forward. Unfortunately closure is a rarity in rs with pwBPD... .You probably will have to find it on your own.

Take good care of yourself Beach Babe. Share your story, keep posting, you have found an excellent group if people here that completely understand what you are going through and will support you every way they can. Remember to take care of you and do whats best for you!

Hang in there!  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Beach Babe, What makes you think your Ex has BPD?  If he does suffer from the disorder, then you have a dodged a bullet, although I understand it doesn't feel like that now.  Despite how lousy you may feel at the moment, a day will come, I predict, when you will be grateful to be out of a r/s with a pwBPD.  In the meantime, hunker down and take good care of yourself.  LuckyJim

[Beach_Babe]

Jhkbuzz: 14 years. He was my best friend as well =(  no kids.

Recooperating: 6 months wow! The longest I've ever gone is 3 weeks. And he always would charm and return though with restrictions (ie: no phone calls or visits email only most recently). This time was different. I was finally discarded he never said good riddance before. Why so cruel? All I asked was a kind goodbye in return.

Luckyjim: ex was diagnosed BPD by a psychiatrist. He seems to be more npd though to me. Very grandiose with a lack of remorse. Uses people.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Jhkbuzz: 14 years. He was my best friend as well =(  no kids.

Recooperating: 6 months wow! The longest I've ever gone is 3 weeks. And he always would charm and return though with restrictions (ie: no phone calls or visits email only most recently). This time was different. I was finally discarded he never said good riddance before. Why so cruel? All I asked was a kind goodbye in return.

Luckyjim: ex was diagnosed BPD by a psychiatrist. He seems to be more npd though to me. Very grandiose with la lack of remorse. Uses people.

Beach our experience sounds similar tho my uBPDexgf is female and so am I. We were together 9.5 yrs, knew each other 10. She ended our relationship in a type written note in a birthday card to me last summer. She didn't even say our relationship had ended, just that she had been dating men all summer and that she and her kids were going down a "different path".  When I called to find out what the heck was going on, she didn't even pick up, went straight to voicemail. I let her have it with a litany of things, the why is entirely too long to go into here.

She too had walked away in the past. Usually only a few hours. Then about 4 years ago, she took a longer jump, but we were in contact the entire time and eventually got back together. That hasn't happened this time. In my ex's case I feel sure her mother triggered her and since my ex has internalized homophobia, she ran off to find some man to pay for her kids to stay in private school. If you think I'm exaggerating that last part, unfortunately I'm not. Her words, paraphrased.

It has been a hard time for me. 14 years is longer than ten years of course and I really, sad to say, haven't processed this very well. My self-esteem has suffered, her betrayal still fills me with anguish and anger.

I also understand the grandiose with no remorse. I am sure she got it from the idea that she was leaving and that she could get anyone she wanted. They can, even if they're 46, divorced, and have 2 kids. Somebody always wants to ride in on the horse and give them the love they've never had. Right?

My ex has used the silent treatment on me since the day I let her have it. That's been almost 8 months now. I even apologized. That was the first time I had ever cursed and called her a name in 10 years. Shocked me too!

It's hard to say what causes them to go when they have been with someone for so long. Even though my ex's mother triggered her, I do believe it was either an excuse to leave or a way to punish her mother by projecting onto me her anger toward her mom.

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand the confusion. I wish I knew what to say that would make it feel better. Maybe they really are just crazy after all.

[jhkbuzz]

Jhkbuzz: 14 years. He was my best friend as well =(  no kids.

Recooperating: 6 months wow! The longest I've ever gone is 3 weeks. And he always would charm and return though with restrictions (ie: no phone calls or visits email only most recently). This time was different. I was finally discarded he never said good riddance before. Why so cruel? All I asked was a kind goodbye in return.

Luckyjim: ex was diagnosed BPD by a psychiatrist. He seems to be more npd though to me. Very grandiose with a lack of remorse. Uses people.

Wow, 14 years is a long time... .that's hard.  :'(

So your'e 6 months post breakup... .when did you actually last speak to him?

It's funny you should mention that he "charmed" you during the recycles.  I didn't recycle with my ex, but I did find her to be quite charming.  It took me a long time to figure out that "charming" people don't necessarily have my best interests at heart; they are often looking out for themselves and their "charm" is a "tool"; a means to that end.

It is very possible that he is NPD instead of BPD... .or perhaps both; comorbidity is common.

Why did you break up 6 months ago?  What were some of the difficulties you were experiencing in the relationship?

[cosmonaut]

Being abandoned is extraordinarily painful and deeply damaging.  This is true for everyone, but it is particularly acute when we have been in a relationship with such idealization and have been told with such seeming sincerely how special we are and how completely we are loved.   That is a devastating loss, and it's one that we should not minimize.  It's real and it hurts tremendously.  I am also going through a similar experience, and I am sorry that you are as well.  This has been the hardest, most painful, most pointless emotional torture of my life, so I can understand something of how you must feel too.

My ex disappeared on me too.  I also tried to contact her many times, and she had told me very sincerely that she wanted to remain friends and that I could call her when she left me (out of the blue).  One of the last words she ever spoke to me were "we'll talk soon".  But, that was the last I ever spoke to her.  She never returned a single call or text.   I also wrote her a letter shortly after our breakup trying to say how much I supported her (she has some extremely serious issues she's dealing with and that was ostensibly her reasons she "can't do this anymore", and cared about her, and hoped that she could overcome all that she is dealing with.  I assured her that I was and always will be here for her and she could count of me for anything.  I told her how much I admired her and how much strength she has - to keep going and keep fighting.  I never heard a thing back.  After a few months I finally received the coldest text from her "This relationship is over.  Please stop contacting me."   I haven't heard a thing from her since, and while it has crushed me to pieces, I have respected her wishes and not contacted her since.  I still love her, and I want her to be happy and healthy so much.  I still miss her terribly, and I worry about her.

What we have to remember is that none of this is our fault.  This silent treatment and discarding - erasing even - is due to the disorder.  Far from being nothing to our ex, we mean an extraordinary amount to them - far more than their fragile, underdeveloped selves know how to handle.  They are, almost certainly, in tremendous pain at the loss of us, and the splitting, dissociating, and hiding are all elaborate, and very primitive coping mechanisms to escape that agonizing pain.  You are being ignored because you were deeply loved - at least as much as your partner was capable of love, which isn't to say that it wasn't real love.  It was real to them, and it was the most real love they could give.  We are now a powerful trigger to our exes.  We never intended to become this, of course, but we have none-the-less.  The very thought of us hurts more than they can stand, so every effort is being made to avoid it.  But we must remember that this is because we were loved, and it is not our fault.  This is BPD.

[fromheeltoheal]

Jhkbuzz: 14 years. He was my best friend as well =(  no kids.

Recooperating: 6 months wow! The longest I've ever gone is 3 weeks. And he always would charm and return though with restrictions (ie: no phone calls or visits email only most recently). This time was different. I was finally discarded he never said good riddance before. Why so cruel? All I asked was a kind goodbye in return.

Luckyjim: ex was diagnosed BPD by a psychiatrist. He seems to be more npd though to me. Very grandiose with a lack of remorse. Uses people.

ex was diagnosed BPD by a psychiatrist.

As a diagnosed borderline, we can assume his emotions got too strong, so he dealt with it the only way he could, by projecting all his crap on you and disappearing.  It's survival for him, and you are no longer the soother to his emotions, which is what he was using you for, you are now the trigger, so you gotta go.  And it hurts like hell.

I begged bad just to hear that directly from him so I can move on.

You probably won't, because he would have to acknowledge you, which means you exist, and he's doing everything he can to make you not exist in his reality, to soothe emotions that are too strong.  Plus, he might have to acknowledge responsibility for his actions, which would probably trigger shame; a borderline goes to shame too easily anyway, and he ain't going there voluntarily.

Standard borderline there, apply as needed.

So you gotta change your rules, you gotta find a way to move on without closure from him, which you probably won't get.  You can start by taking his behavior as a compliment: you matter very much to him and really got under his skin, to the point that the only way he could deal with it was flee; weak maybe, but also a natural response for someone who's emotions are turned up full blast all the time.  That's a testament to your power.  And it's also an opportunity: if you use the pain you're in and your power to focus on giving yourself closure, once you come out the other side, which you will, you'll be stronger and wiser than you were before all of this, the closure will be more powerful, and you'll be right where you need to be to build the life of your dreams, without the nightmares.  Something to have faith in, as you put one foot in front of the other.  Take care of you!

[Beach_Babe]

Ripped: did your ex grow increasingly distant before the final discard? Our recycles got shorter and shorter this last one lasted 24 hours.

Jkhbuzz: no the final 'good riddance' was 2 days ago. Maybe I pushed him to it since I had often suggested parting ways in the past. Not to be mean but because I was exasperated with the push pull cycle. Always he would return and offer limited contact not this time. Maybe I finally pushed him to it. It is my fault.

[Beach_Babe]

Being abandoned is extraordinarily painful and deeply damaging.  This is true for everyone, but it is particularly acute when we have been in a relationship with such idealization and have been told with such seeming sincerely how special we are and how completely we are loved.   That is a devastating loss, and it's one that we should not minimize.  It's real and it hurts tremendously.  I am also going through a similar experience, and I am sorry that you are as well.  This has been the hardest, most painful, most pointless emotional torture of my life, so I can understand something of how you must feel too.

My ex disappeared on me too.  I also tried to contact her many times, and she had told me very sincerely that she wanted to remain friends and that I could call her when she left me (out of the blue).  One of the last words she ever spoke to me were "we'll talk soon".  But, that was the last I ever spoke to her.  She never returned a single call or text.   I also wrote her a letter shortly after our breakup trying to say how much I supported her (she has some extremely serious issues she's dealing with and that was ostensibly her reasons she "can't do this anymore", and cared about her, and hoped that she could overcome all that she is dealing with.  I assured her that I was and always will be here for her and she could count of me for anything.  I told her how much I admired her and how much strength she has - to keep going and keep fighting.  I never heard a thing back.  After a few months I finally received the coldest text from her "This relationship is over.  Please stop contacting me."   I haven't heard a thing from her since, and while it has crushed me to pieces, I have respected her wishes and not contacted her since.  I still love her, and I want her to be happy and healthy so much.  I still miss her terribly, and I worry about her.

What we have to remember is that none of this is our fault.  This silent treatment and discarding - erasing even - is due to the disorder.  Far from being nothing to our ex, we mean an extraordinary amount to them - far more than their fragile, underdeveloped selves know how to handle.  They are, almost certainly, in tremendous pain at the loss of us, and the splitting, dissociating, and hiding are all elaborate, and very primitive coping mechanisms to escape that agonizing pain.  You are being ignored because you were deeply loved - at least as much as your partner was capable of love, which isn't to say that it wasn't real love.  It was real to them, and it was the most real love they could give.  We are now a powerful trigger to our exes.  We never intended to become this, of course, but we have none-the-less.  The very thought of us hurts more than they can stand, so every effort is being made to avoid it.  But we must remember that this is because we were loved, and it is not our fault.  This is BPD.

See this is why I believe he is also npd. The games. A few days after he told my friend to tell me good riddance the friend asked him if I could call (unbeknownst to me) and get that closure personally  (I was crying to this friend about the lack thereof) and ex said "OK tell her to call me. But not from a restricted number" so I did. Called, texted and emailed for 2 days no answer. Why would he do that ?

When your ex sent you that cold message, was it out of the blue or were you still contacting her?

Fromheeltoheel: that's very wise advice and true. I wonder why he had to give closure to our friend though and not me directly. What a coward

shadow sorry the first response (mistakenly addressed to ripped) was for you. Apologizes I'm a bit out of sorts today ♡ thank you for such a kind and thoughtful response!

[jhkbuzz]

Ripped: did your ex grow increasingly distant before the final discard? Our recycles got shorter and shorter this last one lasted 24 hours.

Jkhbuzz: no the final 'good riddance' was 2 days ago. Maybe I pushed him to it since I had often suggested parting ways in the past. Not to be mean but because I was exasperated with the push pull cycle. Always he would return and offer limited contact not this time. Maybe I finally pushed him to it. It is my fault.

Repeat after me: His cruel behavior towards you is NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT YOUR FAULT.

You said you had often suggested parting ways in the past - that you were exasperated with the push pull cycle.

Consider this: perhaps what you are experiencing right now are the painful birth pangs of a new life; a new life that includes peace - not frustration, anxiety, abuse, and a general lack of love.

I know you miss him, but do you REALLY want him back if nothing will ever change?

[cosmonaut]

See this is why I believe he is also npd. The games. A few days after he told my friend to tell me good riddance the friend asked him if I could call (unbeknownst to me) and get that closure personally  (I was crying to this friend about the lack thereof) and ex said "OK tell her to call me. But not from a restricted number" so I did. Called, texted and emailed for 2 days no answer. Why would he do that ?

When your ex sent you that cold message, was it out of the blue or were you still contacting her?

It is entirely possible that he also has NPD traits.  There is significant comorbidity between BPD and NPD.  They are both members of what are known as Cluster B Personality Disorders.  So, it would not be uncommon if he has features of both.

Yes, I was still contacting her at that point.  I'd give her a call every week or two to try and see how she was doing and would shoot her a text now and then too.  I got nothing back.  For the first few weeks after she left me, I had no idea about BPD and then when I learned about it, for a long while I wanted to use everything I could learn about it to get her back.  I didn't want her to feel like I had forgotten or abandoned her.  So, I keep diligently letting her know I was there and I cared even though I never got anything back.   Now, I think that nothing I could do would have fixed anything.  In fact, contacting her may have made things worse.  She is triggered and I am the trigger.  She can't let me close, at least not until the emotions have cooled.  My having anything to do with her is painful and she's running from it.  I suspect she also is feeling deep shame over the end of the relationships, because she knows it's her fault.  She told me that explicitly when she broke up - that it wasn't my fault at all and she was sorry but she just can't do a relationship.  Shame is the mortal enemy of pwBPD.  I do still want to hear from her so badly, even if we have no future as a couple.  I still care about her beyond words - still love her.  But I have to wait for her to contact me.  If she ever does.

Edit:  Misread part of your message.  Corrected as needed.

[fromheeltoheal]

that's very wise advice and true. I wonder why he had to give closure to our friend though and not me directly. What a coward

I don't know about your ex, but mine, when she got triggered, could think of nothing but herself, a trait anyway, but to the extreme when emotions were high.  I learned to turn it around on her: we'd be sitting in a restaurant eating, and I could tell by the look on her face it was taking everything she had to not rage at me in public, and once we left, if I had already decided to be a jerk because I was sick of it, I'd ask her to thank me for dinner, which she hadn't done from her funk, and she'd realize her oversight and melt into a puddle of shame, which made it worse later, but by then I didn't care.

Point is, if he's disordered and a victim to his emotions, he's doing things for his own reasons and the rules of civility don't necessarily apply.  Best to get selfish yourself, necessary when we need to take care of ourselves so we can have something to give those who deserve it.  Take care of you!

[Beach_Babe]

Jkhbuzz: I can accept he has chosen to end things. He is an adult and has that right. But I can't accept the HATE he has for me. I am now his enemy.

cosmo: I appreciate you sharing that; sadly I think that's what will happen if I continue trying. He is gone for good. 14 years I can't believe it.

Fromheeltoheel: I admit sometimes I was so desperate for a response sometimes I'd purposely say things to trigger him just to get a response. The silent treatment killed me. Also he was angry I was hanging out with mutual friends he introduced me to.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Ripped: did your ex grow increasingly distant before the final discard? Our recycles got shorter and shorter this last one lasted 24 hours.

Jkhbuzz: no the final 'good riddance' was 2 days ago. Maybe I pushed him to it since I had often suggested parting ways in the past. Not to be mean but because I was exasperated with the push pull cycle. Always he would return and offer limited contact not this time. Maybe I finally pushed him to it. It is my fault.

Beach, yes she did as a matter of fact. At the time it was going on, the 2.5 yr custody battle with her exH was winding down, but when I look back in retrospect she had begun devaluing me and acting distant right after the judge's orders came down in April. So I had about 30 days of devaluing, not every day naturally, but she acted annoyed when we spoke. I figured she was stressed about the case and the new orders and preparing for the final hearing on the orders (me always excusing her behavior for the things she said). We didn't live in the same city so she either was working or was tired on weekends, but less and less calls. We went from 2-3 a day to sometimes 2 or 3 times a week. Then the calls ended and we only texted by June. When I asked her about it, she was busy, she was tired. No she wasn't, she was shopping my replacement. Finally the texts ended about the middle of July. Two and a half weeks later, in August, she tells me she's been dating men all summer. A lie if there ever was. In retrospect I know now that she started searching in April and going out with them in May. But she paints it as summer probably because it was warm weather!

We actually had had more recycles in the early years of our relationship. They usually lasted a few hours, at the most a few days. The biggest one happend 4 years ago. She actually went on dates with men, but we were in contact the whole time. I realize now, she had no real intention of letting me go. She made me "work" to get her back, but I know now she was planning on coming back all along. The interesting thing? We hadn't had a single argument to speak of and not a single instance of her wanting to leave during the last 4 years, until New Years 2014. I am sure that was initiated by a conversation with her mother. So four years no break up talks, no come here/go away. We were quite happy, speaking of finally being able to have a home together and mostly getting the custody battle behind us. It hurts me to know she just left out of the blue.

I know you feel frazzled, but try to get some rest and if there is anything you can find to concentrate on besides this for even a few minutes, try that. For one thing, by doing that if you are trying to see where things changed, it will help you to see things more clearly. Hugs and thoughts sent your way, beach.

[Beach_Babe]

Omg, what you said how she wanted to keep you around but made you "earn" her back. That is exactly what my last year has been like... .until contact grew less and less. Until nothing and I am now Satan to him. He tells everyone. But yet treats our mutual friend a guy who stuck his nose where it didn't belong serving as an intermediary can do no wrong and is awesome.

[jhkbuzz]

Jkhbuzz: I can accept he has chosen to end things. He is an adult and has that right. But I can't accept the HATE he has for me. I am now his enemy. 

You are correct in saying that you "can't accept the HATE" he has for you.  You shouldn't accept it; don't take it on. You are not worthy of hate - you are worthy of loving, tenderhearted care. But he cannot give that to you if he is suffering from BPD/NPD .

The "hatred" you are experiencing is his self-hatred projected outward onto you. It is his self loathing, externalized.

If you continue to seek your validation from such a damaged human being you will make yourself ill.

[Beach_Babe]

I think I already have made myself ill =(

[jhkbuzz]

I think I already have made myself ill =(

I understand how painful the silent treatment is.  I was in the middle of a texting conversation with my ex and she simply stopped responding.  

An 8 year r/s and that was it - done.  I've never felt such incredible emotional pain in my life.  So I truly understand, and I'm sorry for your suffering. Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

This is the problem in a nutshell: you believe that your pain relief can come from the person who is causing your pain. And you will continue to make yourself ill with this illogical thought.

He can't / won't end your suffering. The person who causes your pain will continue to cause your pain.

YOU HOLD THE KEY.

Try to take your focus off him and turn it onto yourself.  Spend time with people who love you. Distract yourself - go out, do some shopping, treat yourself to a good meal. One foot in front of the other.

I was where you are 8 months ago.  I too had to accept that the person I loved, who professed to love me, could discard me so coldly.  I thought I was going to die.

But I didn't.  I put one foot in front of the other - on some days.  On other days I just laid on the couch and cried. But the pain slowly receded. And today I'm feeling much more whole, much more pain free.

Things will get better, I promise.  But first you have to stop chasing an illusion. Your healing lies within you - not with him.

[Beach_Babe]

Thank you for that, jk. 8 years is a very long time. It's hard to go complete no contact because of mutual friends (though I have tried. The longest was 3 weeks). One in particular who he worships like a god when all this "friend" of his does is stick his nose where it doesn't belong and cause trouble.

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for that, jk. 8 years is a very long time. It's hard to go complete no contact because of mutual friends (though I have tried. The longest was 3 weeks). One in particular who he worships like a god when all this "friend" of his does is stick his nose where it doesn't belong and cause trouble.

Think about the steps you need to take to protect your own mental health and act accordingly.