struggling this week

[willtimeheal]

Hi All. I have been out of my six year relationship with my unexBPDgf for almost six months. I have posted about it. It just sort of ended. She went silent after a vacation and I knew she had met someone else. Which she did. I don't know if she is happy or not. I have been working on me. Going to therapy. Getting better. I have had moments of pure happiness again that I never thought I would. Here is my problem. This past week has been really tough but find myself going backwards. Hoping she will call. Tell me she made a mistake. I find myself thinking of the past a lot. I know healing is different  for everyone. But I thought after six months I would be better off. That these feelings would come and then go quickly. This is lingering. I don't like it.

[cosmonaut]

I completely understand, willtimeheal.  I am in a very similar situation.  My ex abruptly ended our relationship without any cause or even really much of an explanation, and then disappeared from the face of the Earth.  Despite her assurances that we would stay in touch and one of the very last things her saying to me was "we'll talk soon", I've never heard from her again.   It's been surreal, to say the least.  So, I can appreciate how confusing and painful this all is.  It doesn't make any kind of rational sense.

I have good days and bad days too.  Some weeks are better than others, but she is still on my mind far more than I would care to admit.  She still has my heart, even despite her behavior.  I love her deeply, and that has endured.  I think perhaps you feel the same.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand and I sympathize.  Remember that this will pass and you will have some better days again soon.  Take heart in that.  Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, too.  You have been through a terrible trauma and you have been deeply damaged.  It's perfectly natural that it will hurt.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi All. I have been out of my six year relationship with my unexBPDgf for almost six months. I have posted about it. It just sort of ended. She went silent after a vacation and I knew she had met someone else. Which she did. I don't know if she is happy or not. I have been working on me. Going to therapy. Getting better. I have had moments of pure happiness again that I never thought I would. Here is my problem. This past week has been really tough but find myself going backwards. Hoping she will call. Tell me she made a mistake. I find myself thinking of the past a lot. I know healing is different  for everyone. But I thought after six months I would be better off. That these feelings would come and then go quickly. This is lingering. I don't like it.

Try to get behind the thought... .what is it you're really hoping for? What is it that you believe you won't have unless she comes back? What do you think you will you gain if she does come back?

If you can identify the thought behind the feeling, you will probably come to recognize that the thought doesn't make sense... .you probably think you would be happy if she returned to you - right? But if she came back all the attendant chaos and pain and whirlwind would come back, too.  Then you would be unhappy. So your longing for her doesn't actually make sense, does it?

This is what I'm learning: my unhappiness is more about my thoughts than about her.  When she first left I believed it was because there was something inherently unlovable or defective about me.  When I desperately wanted her to come back it was to assuage THAT thought - not really because I thought her return would make me happy,  In fact, I knew it wouldn't.  I was pretty unhappy in the four years before she left.

Digging to the root about why I believed her opinion - that I was unlovable - is my work today.

[willtimeheal]

Yes the last few years together were not fun. She cheated lied and broke my heart more times than I can count. I know in my head me being without her is best for me. But then the thought of he  loving someone else kills me. Also the last few months things got better. She entered therapy. We got at least I thought on the right track. But then therapy got hard and she quit and fell into a depression. That's when she blamed me for trying to change her. She didn't want to do the work and went back to her old ways. Found someone new to make her happy and fulfill the fairytale. It's hard not to wonder sometimes if I am not the problem. I just miss her and I still love her.

[jhkbuzz]

Yes the last few years together were not fun. She cheated lied and broke my heart more times than I can count. I know in my head me being without her is best for me. But then the thought of he  loving someone else kills me. Also the last few months things got better. She entered therapy. We got at least I thought on the right track. But then therapy got hard and she quit and fell into a depression. That's when she blamed me for trying to change her. She didn't want to do the work and went back to her old ways. Found someone new to make her happy and fulfill the fairytale. It's hard not to wonder sometimes if I am not the problem. I just miss her and I still love her.

I understand... .my ex cheated and lied as well.  She was in therapy the last year of our r/s, so I held out lots of hope... .but I found out she was being deceptive even while in therapy. For the entire last year we were together, in fact.  It was enormously painful when I discovered this.

I, like you, wondered if I was the problem. I have my own shortcomings, so I spent a lot of time thinking about this very topic.  But when I got into the nuts and bolts of comparing the behaviors of each of us during the r/s, things suddenly got very, very clear.  She compulsively lied. She was repeatedly unfaithful. She was emotionally avoidant.  She lacked empathy.  It wasn't me, even with my shortcomings tallied up and honestly acknowledged.

I was in an 8 year r/s; I am approaching 8 months post b/u and 6 months n/c. I too had a difficult time right around the 6 month mark... .I'm not sure why.  Hang in there - month 7 seemed to be the point at which I stopped looking at her as the key to my happiness, and started realizing that it was my own thoughts and beliefs that were either making me feel better - or worse. As you shift the focus off of her and onto yourself you will see things start to change, albeit slowly.

Right now you believe you can't be happy without her. You are wrong. You love her, I know. But no one can make you happy - it's an inside job.  And you won't be ready for another, healthier r/s until you figure that out and do the work.

Are you seeing a T?

[mitchell16]

its must be something in the air. This week has been a struggle for me as well. maybe because its spring and every year we was together we always took a vacation to our favorite city, in april. Matter of fact that was the only trip she never ruined. LOL. what helps me, its reminding myself that the person and the so called connection we shared was not real. it was manufactured by her. and If I went back to her after all this time all the mess and junk she brought to my life will return with her. I tried so many times to believe that she had changed and each time i took her back with her pleas that she had changed, seen what she did to me etc... .it would always go back to same things, lies, push/pull, drunken rages, etc... So when I feel myself going down that road of thinking thats what helps me. Im not always so strong, some weeks its a hard struggle.

[willtimeheal]

Thanks jhkbuzz.

Yes I am in therapy. I have been for the last two and a half years. I was just about to say that was once I started therapy and started putting up boundaries that things started falling apart but that's not true. She was always distant, lied, and cheated. It  just when I started therapy I was  not  in tune with it and would no longer be the scape goat for it. She blamed me for her unhappiness for a long time cuz I didn't tell my family about us. I struggled with telling my family I was in a relationship with a woman. But when I came to terms with me and gave her everything she wanted... .She ran. I don't think she ever thought I would get to that point and when I did she couldn't handle it. She couldn't handle having a real adult mature life where both people count. Sometimes I struggle if I just told my family sooner. I know it won't change anything but it haunts me.

[willtimeheal]

Mitchell... .we always took a trip also. It is killing me not being on that trip with her and the kids. And she always ruined it. The whole vacation was about her and wondering how drunk she would get or who she was texting. But yet here I am missing her. Ugh!

[jhkbuzz]

its must be something in the air. This week has been a struggle for me as well. maybe because its spring and every year we was together we always took a vacation to our favorite city, in april. Matter of fact that was the only trip she never ruined. LOL. what helps me, its reminding myself that the person and the so called connection we shared was not real. it was manufactured by her. and If I went back to her after all this time all the mess and junk she brought to my life will return with her. I tried so many times to believe that she had changed and each time i took her back with her pleas that she had changed, seen what she did to me etc... .it would always go back to same things, lies, push/pull, drunken rages, etc... So when I feel myself going down that road of thinking thats what helps me. Im not always so strong, some weeks its a hard struggle.

Yes, the change of seasons can be a trigger - the beginning of the warmer weather made me sad for a bit. I think I will stop being triggered once I've gone through all the seasons without her - at that point new memories will settle atop the old ones, and it won't be painful anymore.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks jhkbuzz.

Yes I am in therapy. I have been for the last two and a half years. I was just about to say that was once I started therapy and started putting up boundaries that things started falling apart but that's not true. She was always distant, lied, and cheated. It  just when I started therapy I was  not  in tune with it and would no longer be the scape goat for it. She blamed me for her unhappiness for a long time cuz I didn't tell my family about us. I struggled with telling my family I was in a relationship with a woman. But when I came to terms with me and gave her everything she wanted... .She ran. I don't think she ever thought I would get to that point and when I did she couldn't handle it. She couldn't handle having a real adult mature life where both people count. Sometimes I struggle if I just told my family sooner. I know it won't change anything but it haunts me.

I was also in a r/s with a woman... .I too struggled with telling my family.  I finally did - but like your situation, it didn't help.

One of the things I'm going to take to my T this week is my realization that I have a tendency to take on on responsibilities in close, emotional r/s’s that aren't my responsibilities to bear.  I took on the responsibility for my mom’s anger and raging when I was a kid – I usually felt like her anger was my fault (“it must be me!”) and tried to do things to lessen it.  I took on responsibility for my ex's emotionality in the beginning of our r/s – I tried to regulate my moods because she was so hyper-vigilant, fragile and needy.  I took on the responsibility for her unhappiness at the end of the r/s (“it must be me!”) – I really thought it was me and what I was or wasn't doing.

I’m beginning to understand that I've been blurring the lines. Is this a boundary issue?  Does it arise from the lack of boundaries in my family? Is it enmeshment? How do I learn to recognize what are and are not my responsibilities within any type of emotionally charged r/s?

Do you think you struggle with this?

[willtimeheal]

Jhkbuzz ... .

Boundaries have always been an issue with me. I have always been a generous person but I now see a lot of that came from insecurity. I have worked on boundaries for the last two and a half years in therapy. I am really good at saying no now and for speaking up for myself. I do believe  That is one of my best qualities now... .the ability to stand my own ground and do the things I enjoy and make me happy instead if sacrificing myself for others.

Today I find myself ruminating again quite a bit. My therapist told me the first year is the hardest. I have a want and I can't have it. I have to learn to live with the ache in my heart. It will fade but for now it is there.  I have to remember this is a vacation week and in the past we would be together so this week I am making new memories that she is not part of. That is the void but I will make it through.  The thing is... .I wish I didn't have to. I wish we were together instead she is loving someone else. And I know she has nothing but heart ache to offer me... .I need to keep telling myself that. Especially during these hard times.