The first Mom NC birthday

[StarStruck]

Hi guys/girls - quite nerve wracking but not really... . doesn't make much sense that does it?

The world of NC - I am NC with my mother and this will be the first of her birthday's I choose to ignore, she is unaware but no doubt has a strong suspicion this is going to happen.

I am nervous but shouldn't be... . but its on my mind a little, not as much as the proper NC pull away but enough that when my mind starts wondering it goes straight to it. The doubt wanders into old crumby memories and they are a sure fire way to tell me I AM doing the right thing.

I can't wait until this is over with. It's the final stance that I'm serious with this and no doubt when this happens nothing will change it will still be calm waters.

I will feel even more empowered but not until its over.

I thought I would share this part of the process with you all in the same/similar boat. The last bit of my BPD story really.

[lucyhoneychurch]

I recall the nausea of the first birthday, then the following Mother's Day without my patsy, scared, enabling greeting... .

Perhaps the day they finally believe WE MEANT IT when we used to say, "that's enough, I am not dealing with this anymore... . " and yet they go chance after chance... . and blew it.

Simply because they have no clue how to encompass someone else's right to autonomy with respect.

We embrace other persons where we end and they begin. UBPD'd folks cannot.

I'm sorry it came to this.

I think you deserve somethign special to remind your heart that you have been brave and protected your integrity and soul.

[StarStruck]

Thank you very much lucyhoneychurch that is so very sweet  

[StarStruck]

o christ... . good point I forgot the mothers day after yes... . thats going to be a clanger.

O well this ships sailed. 

[StarStruck]

Actually I think the no show birthday stuff, will smack a big punch*... . so it will be a good warm up to the next moms day. She will have a good few months to to consider a moms day no show. . Almost over the last bit, phew.

* like saying wish you weren't born isn't it

[lucyhoneychurch]

I could almost hear the exasperated slapping hand to forehead, Starstruck... . it's okay - it's going to go like it's going to go.

Alot of empathy from me when you wrote this:  "It's the final stance that I'm serious with this."

Same here - she never believed me when I said, "You simply are not going to talk to me this way, you aren't going to treat my kids this way, you're not you're not... . " ad infinitum.

She finally believed me. On all of it.  Because the last month of her life she rang here, gave my lovely youngest child hell... . and we didn't bite - that child thanks to my miserable upbringing and telling mine they deserve better always - knew to hang up the phone when the dying woman got abusive. And it was awful.

What she thought that would accomplish I don't know - 10 years of no contact... . well you didn't know me after all then did you, if you thought I would roll over at this late date... .

It worked on one sibling though. He's sucked back under the family dynamic vortex.

Whatever.

What I want to say to you is - in spite of being disordered, in spite of maybe never being able to "help" that she is the way she is, and I have come to believe that they really really can't (so how could we possibly make any change to the problems?)... . she's a big girl. If the worst thing that can happen is they don't get a crummy Hallmark card for an event, that we dread ever having to send in the first place (it took me years to stop the search for one that said Happy Mother's Day or Happy Birthday but the words "I love you" nowhere on it, neither in print or in my handwriting)... . they'll survive. Look what we've survived. Look what we've refused to pass on to our own children.

*huffy* whew! I mean... . really! 

Deep breath and know... . this was a train wreck before you and I ever existed as little zygotes.  :'(

Big hug.

[StarStruck]

You have really made me smile lucyhoneychurch. Really hearing what you are saying there... . it is so so true... many thanks for your kindness.

It's quite incredible to me that you understand exactly what this is like. Your words keep me strong here, thank you again really.

[HazelJade]

I hope the day has passed, and that you are feeling stronger and calmer.

It is so difficult, no matter what we do, it is difficult. I guess a big part of the anger, sadness and exhaustion comes from this. WHY it has to be so difficult for us?

My father's birthday is coming in a few weeks. As you know I'm not NC and yes, I will see him; do I feel calmer and more relaxed than you? Oh no, of course not. I feel like someone who has to go to war.

I just wanted to share with you my thoughts reading your post: we didn't choose for this relationship to be so difficult. They've made it so.

Sending you warmest thoughts and affection

HJ

[StarStruck]

Hi HazelJade - thank you so much...

we didn't choose for this relationship to be so difficult. They've made it so.

yes they 'designed' the relationship this way, what should they expect!

It is so difficult, no matter what we do, it is difficult. I guess a big part of the anger, sadness and exhaustion comes from this.

Having to deal with process of 'them' did contain all these things when I was LC. For me and the NC I've chosen has alleviated those things now though; other than anxiety this day has brought up.

WHY it has to be so difficult for us?

because we got used to the dance and we care too much to walk away (even though they had one foot out of the door the whole time).

do I feel calmer and more relaxed than you? Oh no, of course not. I feel like someone who has to go to war.

I used to have a tummy full of rocks, with a slight light breeze around me of slightly confused wishful thinking 'can it really be that bad... I'm sure this time will be different... . whatever this 'thing' is'.


Best of luck when you have your bday visit... . an opportunity maybe to put your new way forward... . even if you lose a few fingers you can still operate a grenade launcher and walk away with a spring in your step. You have to think big   

[HazelJade]

... even if you lose a few fingers you can still operate a grenade launcher and walk away with a spring in your step. You have to think big   

You made me really smile with this! He... . only from survivor to survivor. Thank you, it actually helps a lot seeing it like this!



I really appreciate how gently you are explaining the differences that you experienced between LC and NC, without trying to convince me. I really do.

I'll keep you updated. Hugs you. 

[StarStruck]

... even if you lose a few fingers you can still operate a grenade launcher and walk away with a spring in your step. You have to think big   

You made me really smile with this! He... . only from survivor to survivor. Thank you, it actually helps a lot seeing it like this!

. Actually thinking of it... . I will have to give myself the same advice soon; I have a wedding coming up, narc step mom there, what fun! Time for me to practice my new way too I think... . hey practice what you p... .

I really appreciate how gently you are explaining the differences that you experienced between LC and NC, without trying to convince me. I really do.

I'll keep you updated. Hugs you.  

Yes updates more than welcome HJ... blessings